It's a path we take together

I didn’t have the best start to a day off today. It probably began last night.

Josh had been stressed last Sunday about this work meeting he’s had all week because they were going to discuss Sunday travel for the consultants and having to travel into the office when they are not on site somewhere. Two things he did not want to do and which would make a job he otherwise enjoys a bit more intolerable. Well, he found out yesterday that he is exempt thus far from both of those things. I was happy, I thought he’d be happy about it. We were chatting in bed last night (the best place to chat for a couple, I swear) and I couldn’t quite figure out why he was still so stuck in his head about the whole thing. He told me he wanted the changes that applied to him to apply to everyone – he was concerned about the whole group. I didn’t understand and he said while he was happy for himself for like 5 minutes, that quickly changed. He said it was selfish to care just about himself in this situation. Needless to say, him saying that, brought up my monster and it started to feed on me saying ”yes, look how selfish you are, can’t you think about anyone else but yourself?” Even though he had not called me selfish at all.

The truth is I am selfish. But the also bigger truth is so is everyone else sometimes. I couldn’t think of that though at this particular moment, even when Josh reminded me of that fact. I let my monster feed on me for awhile thinking about what an awful selfish person I was and how could he love me until I asked him does it bother you I am that way and he said no. Then I started to think about how compassionate he was and how I was not, more monster feeding. Somehow I feel asleep with the knowledge that I was “ok” in his eyes. Or rather the monster was able to sleep. I found acceptance and that lulled me off to sleep.

So onto this morning. He wakes up early because he has to head into the office again and I’m laying in bed half asleep half awake waiting for him to come kiss me goodbye. This is something he does anytime he leaves the house – whether it’s 7am, 2pm, 9pm, whatever… he never leaves without kissing me goodbye. I have come to expect it, to be honest, but also to look forward to it. Well this morning, I hear him puttering around and then poof he’s out the door, and I have no kiss. My mind panics, thinking about last night, and wondering if I am really so selfish as to not deserve this kiss. I wonder what I did. I text him quickly and soon after I hear his car outside and him coming up the stairs to kiss me, saying he was in his head this morning about something else, he was sorry he forgot. I feel relieved, but then he leaves, and I burst into tears.

There was a huge fear the moment something unexpected came into my life – something as simple as him not doing what he usually does. I fell to sleep for another 45min or so eventually and when I woke, the monster had settled and my mind was clearer.

I realized to expect him to behave as he always does is unrealistic because he’s not a robot. And neither am I. I think the more connected we are to our hearts life will be more middle ground, we won’t be so stuck in our heads. But until then, we’re going to sway back and forth. We are going to be human. We won’t be in the moment always. And in many ways this swaying back and forth is good practice for us to release our fears and deal with the unknown. To allow each of us to be as we are – selfish, stuck in our heads, sometimes insensitive, whatever it is – to be that along with all those great qualities that make us shine. I’ve realized it’s easy to understand someone when you see that they are just like you – they too are striving toward the light, and sometimes stumbling back into head and ego. It’s a path we take together.