How did I get here?

Tomorrow is August 1. I found myself reflecting on the past year, and how last August marked the beginning of the most challenging time of my life thus far. And a year later, everything is so different. If you had told me last August, I'd be sitting here today in love, getting married in less than 2 months (Sept. 21!), taking a 3 month trip to India with my soon to be husband and son in less than 4 months... I might have told you you were crazy. But I might of also said anything is possible! So how did I get here, to be this happy, this blessed? well, for one, not thinking the work is over. And by work, I mean this spiritual journey, this thing called LIFE. Two, by being totally honest and to see myself through no filter. Three, through self compassion and a total and deep surrender, or softening. I think when we reach a place of joy and bliss after a period of deep suffering we may ask how did it happen, where did it all come together? And often we can't lay the pieces out or connect the dots completely but we can say it came together as a result of a life fully lived, of a life that has felt both deep joy and deep sorrow. I think there's also a recognition when we get to this place that the journey is happening, life is unfolding - daily. There's a magic and wonder to it all and there's no holding on or grasping for ground under our feet. In this place, there is immense freedom. You can't see what the future is going to look like - you can't get your hands around it - but you know it's going to be great. It's going to be for your highest good because you're in a place of deep and immense love. So I feel blessed I'm here. I'm blessed the pain is gone. I'm blessed the thing I have to deal with the most is simply allowing this happiness to be mine, cause it is. To simply soften and soften into that vulnerable spot in my heart. Many of you have been on this journey with me. I thank you for all your support and love. I look forward to sharing these happy moments with you, enjoying a life well-lived, and seeing where this adventure takes me!

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day. Ah, the word mother. It conjures up different things for different people but I think it embodies qualities that exist on both sides of the coin - joy, pain, raw, tender, fierce, gentle, strong, weak. I think all of us should be grateful for our mothers. I don't say this because I am a mother. I say this because if we are grateful for our lives, and our ability to live and love as we choose, we should be grateful for our mothers. Without them, we wouldn't have had the initiation into this world. And we all choose our parents if you ask me. We choose them to learn some life lessons - tough ones at times. You could say you had a mother who did a great job, or you had a mother who did a terrible job, but we all had or have a mother who is doing the best job they know with the tools they've been given. I love being a mother. It is all I ever wanted, and more. I am discovering so many hidden gifts I didn't even know were possible. I loved my son from the moment I knew I was pregnant but my love for him has grown in leaps and bounds. When he was a newborn, there was constant demand and to be honest, I looked forward to a few hours away when I could take them! Now I still look forward to those few hours but I miss him so much more. He is a little person, with a personality, who gives me kisses and hugs, who tests my patience, who has an understanding greater than I ever thought possible for almost 15 months and who is so so happy and just in the mix of it all, loving and living life. He inspires me, he makes me laugh, he brightens my day and I value his presence in my life as the individual he is. That isn't to say we don't have our difficulties. We do. I'm able to look at them with more love these days. There's a me that's unfolding that's filled with so much grace these days. After the Boston bombings, I was so angry because of how vulnerable and raw and exposed I felt. I was so angry at the realization that this vulnerability also taps me into the truth that all I love, all whom I love, will be taken away from me someday. I will die or they will die. It fucking pissed me off to be honest. We know this to be true but do we ever really sit with it? We're always trying to grasp or push it away. Grasp in the sense of being needy, clingy suffocating those we love or pushing away in the sense of being aloof, distant, disconnected and cold to those we love. Now if we could just do neither of those things, and sit in the discomfort of this vulnerability, of the knowledge of everything changing, we would know gratitude. We would know happiness. We would know joy. And yes we'd know pain too. We'd know how these things exist side by side. I find myself in this in between place more and more and surprisingly not wanting to leave. This is the dream. When you wake up, you're dead. This phrase has been in my head a lot lately after reading this quote: "Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender the past, you can live the dream that is happening right now." I am living an amazing dream. I have a beautiful son who fills my days with adventure and fun. This nice weather allows us to walk everywhere, discovering new people and places - we can walk to Davis Square, Union Square and about 6 or 7 playgrounds all within a mile or two! I have a fiance who is the man I have always dreamed of sharing my life with but wasn't sure he existed and here he is - in the flesh! I have yoga communities I love teaching and practicing in, I have friends I love sharing time with, I have a city I live in that takes me breath away and I have a wedding I am so excited for in September and a 3 month trip to India with my soon to be husband and son! Seriously, how fucking awesome is my life? I realize I have thought for a long time Ive practiced abundance but the truth is I was just scratching the surface. Real abundance is a complete faith in all being taken care of, in not wanting or needing anything more, in freely giving of what you have and another piece of it I am recognizing these days, in knowing when to say NO. I've been a yes, yes, yes girl and that's all good but when yes yes yes is not filling up my cup it's time to say no so I can create the space for that which nourishes me to come in. For love to flourish and grow. So I see my time ahead as one of less is more. Truly when someone asked me the other day what I did I told them I taught yoga, I liked to write but what I truly wanted to say to that question was "I am a mother" Cause to me, that is one hell of an important job and one that doesn't need any fillers or jargon to make it seem more important. Raising the next generation of members to this society, to this human race is damn important. If you ask me, the most important. My fiance gave me a beautiful card this mother's day that he made. It included a poem from Rumi that said Through love all that is bitter will be sweet Through love all that is copper will be gold Through love all dregs will turn to purest wine Through love all pain will turn to medicine A mother's love is the most special kind. Cherish it when you have it, nurture it in yourself if you are a mother, and if you don't have it, know that it exists and you can tap into it. It's a love that rests in that place of gratitude, of abundance, of knowing that this child, this child is more than enough. This child does not have to be anything more. Create that for yourself and you have felt the love of a mother.

There is no us and them

Wow. What a week. I feel as if I've been living my life in a dream - a bad dream. I'm sure many of us felt that way. Tonight we feel the end of this horror, but in many ways it's the beginning. I sit here tonight as I get ready to meditate with a heavy heart. I do not feel joyous one suspect in the Boston marathon bombing has been killed and the other captured. I feel instead very sad. Let me first say I do not take lightly the loss of the lives of Martin Richard, Krystle Campbell, Lingzi Lu and Sean Collier, nor the hundreds that were injured, the dozens who lost limbs or the thousands who have suffered trauma as they witnessed these events, lived in a city on lockdown as a suspect was hunted, or lived in a town where gunfights and heightened police presence dominated their day. I think many of us out there at one time or another have subscribed to the idea of there being an us and a them. Perhaps even right now. We sit in fear, judgment and disconnect. I know I have. I think that many of us also on the flip side, certainly in the yoga community but I am sure elsewhere too, have come to the conclusion that there is a universal source or ONE that we are all a part of, that we stem from. If we hold this to be true, then there can be no us and them. We are all joined as human beings on this planet. And if we believe that then we too are responsible when tragic events such as these happen. No, we did not plan this attack, or put the bombs together or place them or detonate them. I don't believe that any of us are cultivating a home based around terrorism and fear. But we do form a society. A society that stretches beyond our towns, beyond our countries, our borders to include the entire human race. We then share the same human wants and needs, the same suffering, the same hopes and dreams, the same loneliness of our own minds and pain. And every time we have acted in a way that breeds fear, that breeds judgment that is any way not compassionate or loving toward ourselves or another individual, then we too are responsible for perpetuating this feeling of disconnect and loneliness and this feeling of an us and them that keeps these events happening. I recognize there are political implications often, but I do believe that on a truly cellular level we are human, we can connect with whomever if we come from a place of seeing each other, of hearing one other, of feeling on an emotional level with one other. So yes I have a heavy heart. I am saddened that another tragedy like this has come to pass and it occurred in the place I've called home for 11 years. I'm sad that people will cheer and say nasty things about these men forgetting that they too are people, they too have families, parents who are hurting. I feel sad for all the loss that happened that day at the Boston marathon and people whose lives with never be the same. And I feel sad for all of us who will go on not sitting with this pain in our hearts, using anger and blame to cover it up, and soon another event like this will happen and we will again question why. It's time to wake up folks. I am including myself in this. It's time to take responsibility as ONE human race that we are. Community is needed. Connection is needed. I am looking to foster it wherever or however. I am opening up my home, my heart, my ears... you name it. Let's talk. Let's cry. Let's heal. We'll move forward with heavy vulnerable raw and beautiful courageous hearts. All my love Boston. All my love to you all.

We ebb and we flow

Ah post engagement bliss! How long does it last? It lasts until we let doubt step in again surrounding our fears of what we should or shouldn't do, what people think, what the future holds... So, it's been a rough couple weeks! I told my fiance last night... sometimes I just want to scream "Why the fuck did you ask me to marry you? Everything was going just fine!" Perhaps you can't relate to that statement, but I bet some of you can. He chose me! He chose me out of all the many many women in this world. And suddenly a voice inside me screams, WHY? Why would he choose me? And just like that I'm back in the pattern of not feeling worthy of love and belonging and I start to feel closed off. I don't sing out loud or dance around the house, I don't want to listen to music something I like to do, I don't want to have sex, I don't want to see friends, I don't want to teach or practice yoga, I just want to hide hide hide... Luckily I have here to write about it and thankfully my future husband will listen to anything at all I have to share or dish out - and you know what he tells me? I too think these thoughts. You aren't alone. You aren't crazy. I am engaged to a man my parents met the day after we got engaged. I am engaged to a man some of my friends have not even met yet or had a chance to really hang out with. So as one friend told me the other day, she had her reservations. I don't blame her. I don't blame any of you! It's very good off the mat yoga practice for me. I feel as if people are judging and questioning my choice to marry my fiance and perhaps they truly are - yet the person who is really judging and questioning myself is ME. And I tell you this as a girl who just got a huge tattoo (a full sleeve) all along my left arm!! A big tattoo? No biggie. Quit my job and teach yoga full time? No biggie. Surviving emotionally in the raising of my son on my own for 6+ months? No biggie. As Nike says, I just do it. I don't care what people think. Doing many of the self sufficient independent and sometimes off the wall outside the box things I have done comes easy to me. I am a passionate person! Yet choosing a partner for life who no one I am friends with knows that well, who I met in the most fated way, who is in many ways nothing like my family or the family I grew up with - that I struggle with. I struggle with being unconventional even though it's the only thing that makes me happy. I struggle with people who say when they hear of my engagement "Well that was fast" or people who say "You're going to have a long engagement, right?" We aren't by the way - we are getting married THIS September! I struggle with people who when we tell them of our plans after the wedding - to travel to India with Julian for 3 months Nov - Feb - "That's crazy! With the baby? You can't possibly be serious!" And the answer is, yes, we are serious. I struggle with putting the power behind my words, behind my actions and not getting swayed by that need for approval. I grew up wanting the approval of those I loved most, and trying so hard to please those around me. I grew up doing what I was supposed to do, what was expected, until I got to college where I *secretly* rebelled in all kinds of ways. I was not doing what I was supposed to be doing, but nobody knew - but me and my close friends. I kept doing what I was supposed to do - until I quit my job to teach yoga full time. Yoga when it came into my life in many ways was the start of me figuring out who I was and what I wanted. I will tell you this - I haven't figured it out fully. I still struggle sometimes daily to answer that question - what do I want? I know this. I want to be happy. I recognize that I am making choices to make me happy. I fully believe those around me also want me to be happy even if some of them aren't in my "yoga world" so to speak. The whatever that keeps me from my happiness lies in my palms only. So I honor my feelings. I honor that I get stuck on what Julian will ask as he gets older and knows his biological Mom and Dad aren't together and what I will tell him, what will his Dad tell him. I get stuck in that I don't feel fully resolved in the ending of our relationship because it was so sudden for me and how suddenly his Dad moved on and I feel there's a lot more to be said besides simply I'm not in love with you anymore but I see the truth in that statement and even if there was more to it would it even matter now? No. I get stuck in when people ask about my fiance and I and our relationship I can't exactly put into words what it is that makes him the man I want to marry (we're writing our own vows, so I hope to have a few more words by Sept!) but that I could speak to his actions - how he is the man who brought over food from his fridge as a gift when he first came to visit Julian and I on his own at our home, how he is the man who encourages me to tell him whatever I am thinking or feeling (I told him about my fear of him having a double chin when he gets older and how vain I feel to say that but I truly think it!) he is the man who said we should have a box in our home and a sign next to it that says need a dollar? take a dollar. have a dollar? leave a dollar. (and there's money in there folks) He is the man I meditate with before bed most evenings, who cooks and does the laundry and picks up around the house, who spends time with Julian painting, hanging out, playing music, who is authentic is his concern and compassion for others, who hung up a painting today that I mentioned Julian had scribbled all over and he said it's Julian's masterpiece! the man who reminds me to be gentle and at ease with myself the man who says yes we can travel to India for 3 months with a year and a half old and come back to the states and if our jobs our work doesn't look the same we'll figure it out... the man who believes I am enough. That being a mother and teaching yoga and just being me is enough. I know that it's me who doesn't always feel enough but he reminds me I am. So we ebb and we flow. And I can tell you this. When I am practicing yoga, on and off the mat, when I am in that state of bliss - of love and light - of namaste - he is the man I want to be with. I am enough. We are enough. There is nothing more. We are not going into marriage as a couple who's checked off the checklist so to speak - we are going into marriage challenged, and scared and blissfully happy. We are planning a wedding at the home he grew up in, in our bare feet, with a drum circle, BYOB (no alcohol), yard games like horseshoes and croquet, good local food, music, dancing, no bridal party, nothing fancy, just us, our friends, our family, a celebration. So we hope whoever comes is happy for us - cause otherwise honestly - stay home! You know I say that with love ;)

Fear is the heart saying YES

On March 23, 2013, I received the greatest surprise I've received in a long time. My partner asked me to marry him, and I said YES! The engagement was a surprise, as we've only been officially dating for 2 months or so, and our relationship while very happy, has been challenging in the triggers that have come up for both of us. We communicate very effectively and have chosen to stay together, despite us being together challenging long held belief systems. I think the engagement is in many ways a way for both of us to say these long held belief systems of judgment, doubt, of not feeling deserving of love and belonging or happiness just don't work for us anymore. We are tired of doing what we think we should do, or others think we should do, and instead want to live the life we've only imagined. And we're doing it already in such a short span of time! The moment he asked me to marry him was amazing in that I had fear, but not a single shred of doubt. And a YES came out with no hesitation whatsoever. I used to believe fear was a negative. In some ways I can see how this is true when fear rules your life and holds you back from living the life you've imagined. These fears though are these long held belief systems I mentioned above - the ones you didn't choose, but were placed on you by family, society, etc. Fear that comes from the hearts desire to be free - to live and love as it wishes - is never wrong. In fact it's healthy - it's a sign of bliss! My partner and I have discussed this a lot in the time we've been together and recognize there is fear - this honesty sets us free and allows us to love and connect more deeply, and the fear to change to a deep feeling of gratitude. The fear I am speaking to comes with a smile on our face. It comes with a resounding yes in our heart, our body, our being. Doubt when we feel it is totally a construction of the mind. Doubt can cause you to live in those long held belief systems that don't serve you any longer, instead of admitting your fear about moving past what no longer serves you. When you can admit the fear, the doubt is gone. And if the doubt is still there when you admit the fear, then it's a good sign the fear is telling you that your heart doesn't agree with what the mind is trying to resolve itself to. Byron Katie says "Isn't the past kind? It's always over." We are creating a YES household, a YES life each time we admit these fears, we shut the past out of our present, we live more fully in the now, we embrace what IS and find such deep gratitude for having found each other. Doubt no longer has a place as long held belief systems are knocked down and we are living in the vibrancy of our being. Embrace fear, embrace what the heart is calling you to do. Embrace fear and know courage and joy. Everlasting joy!

Happy Birthday Julian!

Dear Julian, Well baby boy, here we are, your first birthday! And what an amazing year it has been. There have been so many changes since you have arrived in this world! Changes in you as you've grown from a babe into a little boy, changes in me as I've grown into the role of your mama, changes in all of those who have been touched by your presence! Mama was teaching her usual back to back Saturday morning yoga classes this week at Open Doors, one of the highlights of my weekends for many years. I was finishing up my second class, they were in Savasana (you'll know the bliss of Savasana one day!) and I suddenly was struck by so much emotion. I wept as my students rested, composed myself to finish class, and continued weeping when the studio was empty and I was alone again. I wept because I was overjoyed we have made it this far and I am seeing you grow into a loving, kind, spirited, funny little boy. I wept because I am realizing a time that existed between us is ending. This time of you and I solely being each others worlds. Ending may not be the right word - it's shifting. It's clear though, that a time that was, is past. When you get older and ask when you were a babe, there will be lots to tell. This first year of your life was a challenging one for me. The challenge was not you - you were and are the most amazing gift I could ever receive. You've brought me on the most incredible journey - that of being your mama - that will last a lifetime! Your daddy and I created you, though I do believe you chose us. We created your physical form but you, your essence, has and will always be a part of this world. You simply decided that Daddy and I had something to learn by having you in our lives and let me tell you, you are an amazing teacher! We are learning everyday. I won't speak for Daddy, I am learning, but I would say that he agrees. You will probably have questions about what happened between Mommy and Daddy as you came into this world and why Mommy and Daddy are no longer together. There's really no easy answer for that one, buddy, as there are no easy answers to many things in life. I will tell you this - there always was and always will be love between your Mommy and Daddy. You were created out of love. You are precious and loved so much by your Mommy and Daddy and are lucky enough to be loved by so many in our circle of friends and family. Growth is why we are here, love. Evolution of consciousness, of ourselves. You are already a sign of that - how much you've grown in a year! So on this path of growth, things change constantly. And nothing is certain. You just have to love yourself, know yourself, and live from that place and grow from that place. Sometimes this will mean relationships with others will shift and that's ok. Nothing lasts forever. Some relationships will grow with you, and fear not, if some pass, others will come into their place. Your birth was the denouement of a beautiful journey together Mommy and Daddy had traveled. Now we are traveling this journey with you, and still learning, though just not quite as we thought it would look like together. That's ok. Life often does not look like we expected, but if we let go of how it should look, we are able to embrace the mystery of the unknown, of the NOW and the miracles that occur there. Mommy is honest, and honestly bud Mommy had reached a point where she wouldn't want to date herself, and if I didnt want to date me, certainly no one else would either! I needed some time alone, and luckily with your birth, I didn't have to do it alone. You were by my side, helping me as I grew. I will tell you also that some of the things Mommy has realized about herself as a result of no longer being with Daddy are very important lessons, and lessons that would not have been learned with him as we were before you were born. I believe in many ways you are my greatest teacher, my son. You have already just by being here revealed to me so much about myself. I am so grateful to you for that! I believe as you grow and communicate on different levels with me you will continue to teach me so much. Here is what you have taught me already: I cannot control anything. Life is in a constant state of change and flux and nothing is certain. The one thing I have control over is my choice to live in the now, to be happy, to feel worthy of love and belonging and to receive it. You daily show me that you embrace this constant state of change and you still love and life fully! Once I accept I cannot control anything, I am set free. To be me. I am working on this one daily, and I am reminded that I don't have to try so hard because simply being aware that I am working with it, is enough. That brings me to this - I don't have to try so hard. I can just be me and that is enough. You've shown me that trying so hard only frustrates me, those in my circle and pushes people away. You've shown me how important it is to find gentleness and ease within myself and translate that to every area of my life. Your mama has had to be strong for a long long time to feel safe but my son, I intend to never have you have to know what that feels like while you are in my care. You will be safe in my arms, in our home, in the people I surround you with. You can be free to live the childhood I never did and will find your own strength when you are ready, and as you step into adulthood and of course with me waiting in the wings to remind you you are loved, you have someone in your corner, when you feel that you don't. You've taught me that letting go is the greatest gift I can give you, I can give to myself, to my relationships, to my life. Letting go and that process of surrender allows me full freedom to love and to trust. You've shown me how I've spent my life trying to be perfect, trying so hard to hold it together, to be what people expect of me, to consider always what others want of me and how this has caused me to live inside of an extremely fragile shell of a person. Because of you Julian, because of your love, because you have chosen me as your mother I have blossomed. I am more authentic than I have ever been. I am kinder. I am wiser. I can look at myself and see my contribution to all my mistakes, my failures, in work, love, you name it. I can see my role in them all. I weep today recognizing my part in keeping me locked down, my part in pushing people away, my part in creating this illusion of self I had held onto. You've shown me I am enough. The Universe has trusted me with this gift that you are and with that trust has said I am enough. You've shown me love can be easy simply by showing up. You've shown me the process is the journey - the work is always happening - there is no fixing or final destination. This is it, right NOW so live and enjoy it! Worry no more, let the pain of the past go as it's not happening now. That has been the hardest one my son, as the past is quite painful, and happy memories are shrouded in a lot of hurt, but each new day with you shows me the more I hold onto that hurt, the less I get to enjoy you. And I want to enjoy you and grow with you and love you this day and every day - for always. You are my son. And with you, I am eternally blessed. Thank you Julian James Puskarich. Thank you thank you thank you! I love you Chunkadoos. May we always have cheesy smiles, and dancing, and tickles and laughter and smashing peas on our noses, and all other kinds of silliness. xoxoxo

The Year of the Snake

I recently found out we are in the Year of the Snake. The Year of the Snake is all about shedding layers. I've felt this powerful energy within and around me already. Falling in love in many ways is a process of shedding layers. When we first begin to fall in love, we delight in the merging of two souls when we feel an ease in conversation, sex, the entire co-existance of two beings. We are inspired and excited by what the other person brings. We are joined at the hip, so to speak. The honeymoon phase, my friend calls it. Then something happens - our first fight, one person suddenly wanting more space, feeling distant. Our hearts feel a tug and we want to retreat. This is when we are getting to the good stuff in my opinion. It's when we truly start to care for another that we want to pull back. It's when we are beginning to not only care for another person on a deeper level, but also to allow them to see us. They are no longer seeing just our BEST selves, they are also seeing us at our WORST. Fear steps in and if we aren't acknowledging our fear or talking about it with our partner, we retreat, and possibly end the relationship. We are too scared to proceed. We recognize that a great relationship is one where we will consistently be challenged to grow - or we accept that we are content with just staying as we are. Either way we are changing and growing even if it feels stagnant and boring and disconnected - we are certainly growing apart. If you look at it that way, you can choose to grow apart or grow together. I choose the growing together in my relationships and I have someone who is exploring the option of growing with me. I don't know if it's a choice one continually makes, daily, or monthly or yearly, or if it's a choice you just make at once, and then you commit to that choice no matter what shows up. I am learning as I go along. This period when I can feel the heart tugging and more truth coming out and more space occurring in the past would cause me to retreat. My partner recently told me he didn't like how I asked him to do things. I am a yoga teacher so I am used to directing students into poses. I am also a mother so I am used to directing my child. I am realizing I have a little too much of this energy. I am a born leader in many ways, a do-er, someone who gets shit done. I want it to happen, I make it happen. It's strength and fierceness I've had for a long long time. I think I've been afraid to let this go to bring in some more gentleness and ease because I'm afraid I'll crumble. I can see though, it's time. It's time to bring in more suggestion in my yoga classes, which I am doing, and why a strict alignment flow (though I love alignment!) is less of what I am into these days and I find myself into more free form movement, simple repetitive movements combined with breath so one can exist in the body. I find in my own practice I'm drawn to slower flows, more holds, more exploration. With my partner, rather than saying "I'm going to get the grocery bags, you'll get Julian's shoes, etc" I am asking and treating him as the equal human being he is. With my child, I am saying please as I ask him to do something and thank you when he does and treating him as the equal human being he is. I was at Target today and I didn't know but I picked the line where the woman was new and wasn't able to figure out how to print the receipt for the person in front of me. You could tell she wasn't that happy there, was frustrated and when it got to me, I asked her how she was doing. She didn't look me in the eye or acknowledge me at all, but I think I might have heard a fine. It didn't matter. It was simply me trying to bring some gentleness and ease to let her know, hey, I'm a human being just like you and I care how you are doing. I was recently talking to a yoga friend of mine about the changes going on at a studio and how I felt like perhaps more ego was coming into the studio. I realized after talking that it wasn't more ego. It was strong confident people who knew themselves, were comfortable in their skin, and not afraid to show it, to do their own thing. I feel that is where I am moving. My partner has mentioned things about me that challenge him. We talked about how this energy of mine that does challenge him can also be used to inspire him, and that it does. I find the same thing within him. The choice then becomes to be challenged or not. I recognize that I am at a point in my life where I am strong enough and secure enough within myself that I think I can go there. I can choose a relationship that challenges and ignites, that supports and nurtures at the same time. And still be myself. My partner is still choosing such a relationship too, but if he changes his mind, that's ok too. I would be sad and hurt because I am allowing myself to love, but I would know I haven't lost myself. I am still here. I feel very much like a vessel. An energetic being housed in this human body. I think I have always felt this way somewhat but a rational acknowledgment of it didn't happen until I became a mother. I always knew I wanted to be a mother. And a mother is a vessel. She grows and houses a child. Child and mother are separate yet joined which is how one can relate the ego to the SELF. I am here in this physical body yet when I am still and quiet I am energetically connected on a level that transcends this physical body. I have felt perhaps always but more strongly these days that I can see the best in people, and I can see their flaws too because I can see this in myself. I admit and am aware of it in myself. Thus I have this amazing gift to support and encourage and love all of those close to me. I can encourage and help to shine the best in them. It's such an awesome job, that's not a job! I used to get caught up in judging and fixing an individual before I was awake but now I can nurture and grow, because I've had this experience of being a vessel who nurtured and grew a child. I can reflect back to another the love that's within me and they can reflect back the love that's within them. Namaste - when I am in that place of love within me, and you are in that place of love within you, we are LOVE. Feeling and existing as a vessel more frees me up in many ways but it's also ungrounding. I think I can provide so much fire, energy, action that those close to me need a breather and even though I find myself most fueled by such relationships, I need a breather too. I need to write, and teach, and practice and inspire myself to continue on this path of exploration and ultimately manifestation. I can feel what yoga has been to me is changing and it's so much more than my physical practice. The practice that's most important to me is what's off the mat and that is going to allow me to do bigger and better things in this world. I am learning the ability to hold space while feeling this energetic feeling of being a vessel and that is where I will find a sense of being grounded in the moment. This connection to I am an energetic being having a human experience. I can connect to what I am doing in each moment with joy and ease. I can let go of all the story, the past the future - even if they are great stories like I've had recently in my life! I can trust the unknowing. I can fall into the mystery. I can embrace this nothingness. It's the shedding of layers. The shedding of layers so that you essentially become more fully YOU. You exist in a space separate yet connected to this human existence. It is the path I am on. I had a nice reminder today after almost two years. I started to get my period again. People immediately think - that sucks! You haven't had it for so long and now it's back. I was excited. This physical process that happens each month is a shedding of what is needed to create. On an energetic level it's the shedding of what keeps me from being a whole and complete woman. And on another level it reminds me that I am still here, I am still me, I still have the ability to create life again. Energetically I still have the ability to dream and create a life and do work that inspires and enriches me. Embrace this shedding of layers, whether it's the physical practice of menstruation, the physical shedding of layers from winter to spring, the shedding of layers around the jewel that is your heart, your radiance, your essence. It is what allows us to create, to live and love.

To be able to receive love

It's amazing how when you are doing the work alone you can feel so strong. Then you add another person into the mix, a new relationship and suddenly you falter. Old patterns and old triggers emerge. This is where I'm at these days. I'm lucky I connect on an intimate level with my new partner and we are able to communicate effectively most of the time. I am understanding a lot about myself and how I got to where I am today. It's true it takes two to make or break a relationship, but I am seeing my part in the failure of all my relationships along the way and it's quite painful. I'm a woman who desires love, who wants connection, who wants fulfilment and challenge, who wants to grow. I want this for myself and I want this in a relationship. The breakup from Julian's Dad and the almost 6 months I spent alone allowed me to see how I can achieve these things for myself. The new relationship I am in now is showing me how I keep these things from myself. I am an angry person. Am I as angry as I used to be? No. Do I express my anger in most situations? No. But do those dating me or getting to know me on an intimate level feel it? Yes. My life is blessed right now. I have all I could want and more. I have nothing to be angry about. Yet it's there, beneath the surface, just simmering. I want it to go desperately. I think it involves feeling and acknowledging pain. I have been doing this, I feel for quite some time. It seems there's more to feel, more places to go that scare me. I'm going there, not kicking and screaming, but not willingly either. I understand that not going there will keep me from the life I want, the happiness I want, the love I want. It will keep me in a pattern of relationships that end or relationships that aren't truly fulfilling. I can feel this is a huge wall within me. It is the wall that keeps me from receiving love. It is the wall that shuts down my creativity, my playfulness, my joy, my curiosity my wonder of life. Truly it's the wall that keeps me from being the amazing being I see in my son. I don't think I am alone in having it. I think there are many of us who if we were honest know it exists within us too. I've talked a lot about being vulnerable and courageous and I was getting there alone. The Universe presented me with many gifts this last year and into this new year - my son, and a relationship and love I've only dreamed of. Both of these things I didn't have to effort my way into - they were given. This shows me that intuitively on a deeper level I know these things to be mine. I just haven't accepted them on a mental logical rational level yet. So to get my mind to accept what my Self knows. I don't know the way. It's scary and frustrating. I believe the way involves feeling everything. Being honest. Being courageous. Being vulnerable. It involves stillness and quiet. It involves patience. It involves perhaps most importantly being kind to myself - and I mean truly being kind. I have seen some small examples of this. I remember I took the scale out of the bathroom when Julian's Dad and I broke up. I started doing more restorative yoga and yin practice. I'm cooking good food for myself and Julian and my partner. I've recently let Julian cry it out a bit with the help of my partner so I can sleep better at night (he sleeps now a good 8 to 10 hour stretch!) I've done many things I would feel guilty about but the guilt is about doing something positive for myself. I used to always think guilt was a sign of an action you've committed that was wrong but I'm starting to believe guilt could also very well be a sign of an action you are doing that's positive and needed for your own personal growth. Guilt these days to me feels part of the process of surrender. Perhaps it's a guilt for neglecting this inner child inside of me for so long. Guilt for having pushed her to be so strong because she had to. Guilt for not giving her break after all these years. Guilt for still forcing her to be so strong when there's no need anymore.

This is my life

There is a beauty and power that comes from fully embracing something - whether it be a decision, a song, food, a scent, falling in love - you name it. There is beauty and power in surrender which is truly what embracing is, though we often think that the power comes in holding on tightly to something and a preconceived notion of how something should be. There is only struggle and pain in that. The mind will tell you YES this is how it's SUPPOSED to be. Yet your body is very much telling you NO if you listen. My mind still tells me no sometimes these days but my body and my whole being keeps saying YES with my life now and it's current course. I feel outside myself when I am stuck in my head and my mind is saying this isn't how it's SUPPOSED to be, this isn't what I expected. I breathe then, I listen and my body gives a resounding YES. And I smile. This is my life. I would recommend to anyone starting a family that they become clear on what kind of partner or relationship they need to support them into their role as parent. The thing is, I thought I knew what I needed, but it wasn't until becoming a mother that I realized I didn't have what I needed in a partner or relationship. This is the case for many of us unfortunately. How can we know as first time parents? I believe that I knew I wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember. I didn't always know I wanted a long term relationship, a partner in life. My actions wouldn't support that idea since I have been in many relationships over the last almost 20 years, but the truth is these relationships were a means of seeking attention, safety, of a man to care for me, to fix me, to save me. And the relationships always failed once the fixing or saving was done, once I had moved into a new phase in my life, my womanhood. I admit I thought the relationship that brought Julian into this world was different. It was in that for the first time I chose to be with this person - it wasn't just something I fell into. And we fell in love and had all kinds of hopes and dreams for the future. I think my problem lay in that I hadn't fully acknowledged my pain. Deep down I expected this relationship with him to fix that pain. I had had to be strong for so long. I had to put up walls to protect and shield for as long as I can remember. The trauma occurred early in my childhood where I felt the need to do this (unconsciously) and in adulthood I was still carrying around those walls, though I think I wanted to let them come down with Julian's father. So in many ways I fell in love with him, but I fell in love in where I imagined we could go. A deep and true intimacy like we'd never known. I think I expected this to happen while he stayed up on his white horse so to speak. It couldn't happen unless he chose to get off and I believe we both knew one of the reasons I chose and was drawn to him was because he was strong - he didn't need anybody just as I didn't need anybody. I thought this could be the basis of something great because we'd choose to want to be with one other. I see now I was mistaken. When we both become the most vulnerable we could be as parents, we needed one other, yet didn't know how to say it or change it since we'd played out this pattern of not needing one other for so long. I then felt pain like I've never felt before as our relationship disintegrated and I realized there was a whole other pain there left - a pain that had been for some time. I was sitting in meditation with my new love last night and I had very vivid images come up. An image of a disheveled frightened girl in so much pain. Images of happy moments between Julian's father and I. I felt and was overwhelmed by this great pain. A pain that has been with me for so long. And then I saw a meadow, light, my new love and I in the comfort of our home. The Universe has given me a gift in this new relationship. The gift of having the life I've only imagined. Living it now. With so much possibility and excitement. I'm able to see that I am a person that wants to LIVE that wants adventure and rich and vibrant life experiences. I had pushed that down because I didn't feel worthy of it. I didn't see people around me modeling it so I couldn't see why I would deserve it too. Yet unconsciously or consciously I was making choices to support that adventure and richness in life - rowing in school, going to London as a teenager, going away to college, living away from home, relationships, drugs, traveling to Italy, India, yoga, quitting my job to teach yoga, teaching at my dream studios, writing writing writing, different cuisines and people, tattoos, having a child... These aren't the choices of someone who doesn't want to live. I took on false beliefs of how I should live, how I should love and here I am at 33 finally free to live the live I've only dreamed of. A life I can't see how it's going to look. A life unfolding now. It's amazing. My mind gets stuck still and I feel guilty that here I am and others aren't, that who am I to have this, the fear of what happens when I fully surrender and let go of this pain, what happens when these walls are gone - will they ever be? I don't expect my new love to rid me of this pain nor does he try to. We support each other where we are which fosters a deep intimacy. It's the feeling that it can only get BETTER. And that time is our friend. I struggle with if these last walls could go. I think I'd like them to. I'd like to be fully me, all the time, everywhere, everyplace. No roles, no need to hide. It's a process and a process that I am lucky to share with another and the wonderful people in my life. It's not what I imagined it to look like, but honestly, none of my life has been. I had thought I'd be married with three kids by the time I was 25 and I am blessed to be 33 with a son and a love who makes me giddy and family and community to support me. I consider that to be what I would call blessed. This is my life. And I love it.

Who am I not to?

I had this blog post written, almost published and then I said... I can be a little more truthful and honest than that, so... let's go there. I've been slacking. I've been a little... busy. I have decided to embrace this notion of be happy NOW and have begun dating again. It took me 5 months but here I am. And it's been an intense couple weeks. In many ways, I think this choice to be happy now and feel I'm worthy of love and belonging is a direct and positive way to deal with the anger and pain surrounding the end of my relationship with Josh. I've said what I need to say yet the pain still resides and the actions of those around me show they are living their life, so why shouldn't I live mine? Who am I not to be happy? I have gone back and forth in these last couple weeks when I finally decided to allow myself to be happy between thinking this could lead somewhere with the person I am dating to complete and utter what the hell I am doing. The truth is this new relationship, me, and those in my life - we are all in process. So yes, it is leading somewhere. I just can't see what it looks like. I am living it right now. I will say I am blissfully happy. I am in love. I feel I've come full circle to be able to journey with my partner and exist in a state of BEING. Rather than reflecting egos patterns or dysfunction, love is being reflected. The only thing that could hold me back from the life I have imagined is ME - this monkey mind of mine which cannot grasp that I do deserve to be this happy. My unconscious, my entire being know me to be worthy of happiness so my actions in many ways are leading me in that direction without even trying. It's amazing the energy the excitement the possibility! Yes it is new but it could be possible that by living my life now in this way I will continue to create connections and open doors and there is no telling where being happy now could lead, or how it will set my free. Of course there's a but.... it's scary as hell! Yet over these last months and truly always if I think about it, the Universe has shown me I'm taken care of. A higher power is at work. And how my partner and I met is totally a higher power story for those of you who've heard - no if ands or butts around the fact that the Universe wanted to bring us together. How can I deny it? How can I push it away? Is it too crazy to be true? I don't think so. I reach out and hold on with a ferocious fear in my heart, a fear I lean into, a fear I face with courage and love. I'm worthy of this bliss!! I'm ready for the life I have dreamed of. I'm done thinking my way through and will just enjoy being. I've been reading The Places That Scare You and Pema Chodron talks about our walls and how when we hit up against them instead of running or trying to take a sledgehammer to them (I've always been the sledgehammer type) we should get closer to them, examine them, know them. Treat them with the kindness and compassion they deserve because they have served a purpose for us - keeping us safe. I've been doing this and it's helping as I take baby steps (though they are moving quickly!) into this new world. I feel like Charlie in the Chocolate Factory when he get the Golden Ticket and gets to step inside the Chocolate Factory!! When I was alone before I started to date again, I thought I had crossed a threshold. I was in my power and all was good! That is true... but.. that's just the tip of the iceberg. Now the real work begins! Another person has come into the mix and I realize there are still layers to explore - my most deeply rooted false beliefs about myself. The who am I to have the life I imagined? Who am I to love and be loved? Who am I to be happy? Choosing to be happy daily and recognizing when I am trapped inside these walls is a daily process. It's slowly working. I recognize that there won't be a destination. There won't be a time when I say - the work is done! Yet as I grow more fully into my life as the person I know I can be, as having the life I have imagined and dreamed of, I know the work is getting easier and I am finding more connections, more joy. I'd be lying if I said when I look into my son's face and see his father it doesn't break my heart all over again. It does. But then I take a deep breath, I smile, I remember all is in process. I doubt the pain will ever disappear but will it morph and change into gratitude or love? I think it is doing that as I recognize I wouldn't be this happy without Julian being in my life, and I wouldn't have Julian without Josh. Knowing that purpose can help me let go of my story - the pain. I sit with why I feel guilty about falling in love with another. Why I feel guilty for allowing another person to step into this role of parenting Julian with me. Why I can see the life I've imagined in front of me - a life of connection, joy, travel, lush rich and vibrant life experiences, and I'm afraid to take hold. Why do I feel the need to explain myself away instead of just be direct and let myself stand tall. I practice compassion. I practice loving kindness. I let myself be seen and known. I invite another into my world, my heart. I remain open and vulnerable. I love. Who am I not to? Who am I not to?

Integration

Integration. It's defined as the act or process of making whole or entire. Integration is a big part of my life these days as I live with courage. Courage involves being seen or known, and to do this one must integrate. You celebrate and live it ALL. You no longer take what you like, and disregard the rest. For a long time I only took what I liked and lived in shame regarding the rest. This allowed me to be less vulnerable and I thought safe, but truly I was locked down by my own fear. As I integrate, I accept fully my past. I accept my mistakes. I know my strengths. I honor my weaknesses. I embrace me even when me isn't what someone may like to see or hear. It's a necessary process for growth. I am also discovering it's a necessary process for parenting. I have a very spirited child. Many people thought I would have a zen yogi and I would not say my child is calm. He's chill, but calm... not so much. He's curious about everything, has a ton of energy, and already declaring himself an individual and finding himself pretty entertaining while doing it. I recognize that this is a child who needs boundaries and a form of discipline that encourages what he CAN do and not just what he can't. Right now there is a lot of no, though I am trying to infer with a can. When he's biting me or banging the remote on my head, there isn't a lot of can with that. So I describe my emotional state - it hurts - and since he's also more emotional being so spirited, I think he will one day understand that. I also distract him to a new activity instead of the one that I didn't want him to be doing. Parenting in such a way would not be possible if I was not a whole individual. When you are stuck in your head and in your stuff, you are distracted. No child needs a distracted parent, but especially my child. I am not perfect and yes I am still distracted but I recognize this is something to work on, and I am taking steps to deal with the distractions in my life. Sometimes eliminating them, but other times this is not possible, so speaking up out of vulnerability and courage is the way as it clears out my head and makes space to be the mother I need to be. I was teaching a class recently and one of my regular students said after class "That wasn't as hard as usual" Now this student is a regular reader of my blog so let me say - I love you - but that comment brought me right into my stuff, and I thank this student, because it was a good teaching moment. I said to her, "Yoga doesn't have to be hard" with a smile. I then felt the need to explain myself, or compare myself, which gets into my stuff, and this feeling of not being good enough - should it be hard? For most of my life I lived with the belief that yes, things have to be hard. I didn't want them to be hard, but deep down I had this false belief that yes, they had to be hard. It went along with my feelings of not deserving happiness or being good enough, so I would get myself into situation that were filled with drama often. I brought this feeling of things having to be hard to have a sense of accomplishment into everything I did - academics, relationships, physical activity, etc I began yoga in a gym and was quickly hooked to the challenging aspect of it and when my then teacher left to open her own studio, I followed and from there fell into the hot power yoga craze - intense physical activity and in a room heated to 90 to 100 degrees - sign me up! I began teaching and took pride when students would describe my classes as the hardest out there. A new student would come into my class and I'd bust out all my hardest moves, focusing my attention on correcting his or her posture, fixing them so to speak. I remember vividly Josh taking my classes and saying that I focused too much on him and it made him not want to come. All of this fixing, this focus on how "tough" I was was really a practice in shame. I didn't want to look at my imperfection or be vulnerable and truly put myself out there so I was going to beat myself and those around me into being perfect. And those were the kind of folks I'd draw into my life and around me - those not feeling good enough who needed to be fixed or those who wanted to get beat up with me. Motherhood has allowed me to cross the threshold into realizing that life is already hard - I don't need to make it harder. Lose your love and become a single mom when your baby is 5 months, parent mostly on my own, ex starts dating someone new and moves in with her - all within the last 6 months? Yeah I'd say life is hard enough. The best I can do is practice gratitude for all that I do have and self care for my very imperfect self. Have that extra cookie without guilt, take childs pose in class, take a yin class, admit my mistakes, stop competing, accept everything. It's a work in progress - a work in process as I like to say. It's a daily practice. The Universe does a good job of putting before you everything you need to know if you are on your path or if you've veered off. If there's a lot of struggle, the Universe is saying pause, LISTEN. And sometimes the Universe will put before you what seems to be just what you want. This happened to me recently. You want to jump and grab onto it before it runs away, before you lose it! Yet if you pause and listen and ask yourself - am I happy? Would I change anything? For me the answers were Yes to am I happy and No to would I change anything. I knew there was no rush. An integrated person derives their strength and feelings of self worth from within. They don't need things to be hard to define them being good enough. They don't need to explain themselves and instead are direct, letting their actions and words speak for themselves. They don't believe in things just happening to them, as they recognize their choices are theirs and do have consequences. There's no rushing, as they trust all is coming to them.

Sobriety

I was looking through Facebook before I went to bed New Years Eve (at 9pm! ;)) and I saw a friend of mine post how Sobriety was at the top of his list for 2013. I didn't think much of it then as he's a recovering addict and all recovering addicts I know put sobriety as number one. I've been angry these last few days. Something was said to me New Years and it was one of those things that later you think - what the f*ck did they say? No way in hell! I need to clear that out. There's been a pouring out of angry words in my head and venom to this person. There's a lot of anger, and what always lies behind anger - hurt. A lot. I need to say something but I am at a point where I choose my words wisely. This person is sick. Stuck in their own story, their own deluded mind. So to tell a sick person something they can't understand, it doesn't help. You have to tell them what you believe they can understand, not what you think they should already know. That's very hard for me, but I think having a child helps. Julian will ask me things when he's young I'm sure where I'll think, it's not time for him to know the whole truth. His childlike mind isn't ready for it. This getting caught up in our own story, the patterns of not good enough, who am i to deserve happiness, etc etc are a sickness. A sickness that is an addiction just like alcoholism and other such addictions. I don't mean to diminish those addictions whatsoever. I think though that someone addicted to their story can cause just as much pain as an alcoholic. The alcoholic too is addicted to their story but it shows up differently than someone addicted to their story with no substance abuse issue. Addiction is hidden by the rose colored glasses of the rational mind - you can make yourself believe anything, syndrome. Yet if those addicted sat still for a moment the unconscious mind would speak loudly enough to let them know they have a problem. These stories and dysfunctional patterning destroy marriages, relationships, jobs, happiness, love... you name it. A person can die having this addiction. You may ask what do I mean by story. Here's an example - You meet this great guy. You fall in love. You're blissfully happy thinking about the future. A voice comes in. You've been hurt before. You've failed at love before. You're not good enough for him. Who are you to think you deserve to be happy? Heard that voice? I have. It's not REAL. It's a sick addicted mind. Yet for many of us that is what drives our actions. How sad! We keep ourselves from what we want so dearly or destroy it all together. I have drawn many people into my story. I've been drawn into many others. I wasn't able to let go of mine until I was truly alone. No relationship. No one waiting in the wings. Just me and my sick twisted mind and thoughts, and the feelings that come along with them. That relationship - of sitting with my thoughts and feelings - was and still is the most important one of my life. I never got so clear in who I am - and who I am not - as I did then. I found this quote by Anais Nin today: "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to ones courage" I found my courage and I discovered happiness, the source of which I was responsible for. I discovered love in so many places - ones I didn't know existed. We are often so afraid to do that thing because we think we won't have love, we won't have belonging.... what we don't realize is that when we do that thing and after we rise from the ashes we radiate courage and bravery and that draws love and belonging to us. Fear pushes all love and belonging away. So I will put sobriety at the top of my list for 2013. Without a healthy clear mind, I am nothing.