It's been hard to keep up with this blog. I'm almost 6 months pregnant, past the halfway part of my pregnancy, and find myself trying to slow down more, to enjoy this all because soon it will end. To enjoy all the kicks, jabs, rolls I feel, to enjoy the quiet moments at home, to enjoy time spent with Josh just the two of us, to enjoy the time to watch two movies, or a whole season of a show I like on netflix, to enjoy time spent with friends, loved ones, to enjoy taking a class as often as I can now, the list goes on and on. Enjoy now and appreciate, so I won't have regrets, and can enjoy Julian and the changes he brings fully when he arrives!
One thing that comes up more and more now in my pregnancy is fear. It's somewhat ironic that it's not the fear of labor. Perhaps that will come later, but for now, I feel very confident in my ability to delivery this baby as I feel so in tune with my body. I totally attribute this to yoga and the mind body connection it brings. If I think back, I think I knew I was pregnant very quickly before a test, but I doubted what my body knew because my mind was like "we've never done this before!" I could feel my hips spreading before I could TRULY feel my hips spreading and recognizing the need to modify my practice more (can you say Mula Bhanda?) I could feel Julian moving as early as 14 or 15 weeks but I didn't trust what my body was telling me completely as my mind hadn't understood it before. Isn't it amazing how often we all do this, wait for the mind to catch up to what the body already knows?
So this fear thing. My body has been feeling it for awhile. Shallow breath at times, tightness in shoulders and chest, general feeling of unease and uncertainty. I practice yoga, I breathe, I feel better. But I haven't been sitting with fear as much as I need to. This has become apparent because of my recent emotional outbursts in the last month or so. They've been minor, tears here or there when I feel Josh and I aren't connecting as parents, when I can feel the weight gain and wonder who's body is this as I don't feel as sexy as I used to, etc etc They pop up, I'd feel the fear in my body, and I'd kind of pass it off as silly, as come on, you know better. But that isn't really acknowledging fear exists, is it?
I love being pregnant. I feel beautiful - most days. Sexy, eh, not so much, but I'm trying. Beautiful, yes. This is when I embrace my experience. When I don't, fears come in about not being good enough, of resenting where I am, of remembering how it was. I have expected others to see me as I do during this time but I've realized, that won't necessarily happen. So it's up to me to see me as I want to be seen, as I feel when fully embraced in my experience. That is how I try to live each day.
So come the days when I get ahead of myself, and start thinking about parenting, about the next year, two years, 5 years, etc.. what will I be like? How will I handle this? All this talk of things yet to come, and perhaps things that may never come. I drive myself crazy with this fear, of the unknown. I talk to Josh and I drive him crazy, because neither of us know how we'll deal with it until we're in it. Until we embrace our experience fully. I worry so much about us not connecting as parents, that I don't give us a chance TO connect.
Case in point - Josh brings up how he wants Julian to learn Chinese. Josh is half Chinese and never got the chance to learn as his Dad said no - a mistake he has apologized for. Josh doesn't want the same thing to happen to his son. He feels learning Chinese would be beneficial in this world, and it's part of Julian's heritage. He talked about sending Julian to a Chinese speaking preschool. Well, I reacted, and I reacted strongly, throwing out all the half assed reasons of why this couldn't happen, all of them totally based in fear. I kept saying NO NO NO NO with nothing to back it up. I didn't even know why I was saying no. Later, I understood it was not an objection to Julian speaking Chinese. How amazing for my kid to be fluent in another language at an early age? To be able to converse with his grandma in Chinese, maybe his Dad too? To travel to another country where he can speak the language? To teach me perhaps? I was stuck in a place of fear and what I feared was losing him - of losing our connection.
This bond I have with him is so strong already. Now that I have it, I don't want to lose it. But how can I? I am his mother. This will always be. I am realizing that thinking about me and what I want in this journey is not going to work. Setting up Julian's life around MY fears is not the work of a good parent. So I am making the choice to look at these fears as they come up - as they will continue to do. To recognize their feeling in my body. To allow myself to feel and talk about them without judging myself. This is how I will be able to love more deeply than I've ever known, to be the best mother and human being I can be.
