Julian James Puskarich was welcomed into this world on March 8, 2012, 715pm. He weighed 8lbs 13 oz. The finale to my pregnancy was not what I expected and was dealt with a lot of joy, tears, pain, fear and courage. Here's my story.
I had a terrific pregnancy. No complaints till the end, and those complaints were minor. I was able to remain active - teaching and practicing yoga. I have pictures of me doing handstand at 8 months! My practice become more restorative in my 9th month as I prepared for labor - but there was still a chatturunga in there sometimes ;) Well, I had dreams Julian was arriving early. But my due date came and went. And a week past my due date came and went. My anxiety built with each passing day. I was doing my best to enjoy my time with Josh just the two of us, to enjoy some me time before the baby, long walks with the warm winter weather, but it was challenging to just... wait. Really, to just be. I knew induction would start to be talked about. I was delivering with a midwife but at a hospital. I knew they didn't like women to go past 42 weeks and my blood pressure had been higher after I went past my due date, so they were concerned about that. I just felt so much pressure... so many watchful eyes... and I wanted this to be as natural as possible, just as Julian was created. The baby was probably causing some of my BP woes since he did turn out to be 8lb 13oz but I am sure my own anxiety did not help. I just wanted to be left alone... to go on a desert island to have this baby!
On March 6th I had a mid wife visit. We talked about induction but I said I'd really like to wait till 42 weeks to give him a chance to come on his own. She agreed to it in the office though later on that evening she called me and said she was really concerned about my BP being higher the past couple weeks and recommended I get induced that night. I said we'd come in the next day for another NST (non stress test) for me and baby which had shown him fine all along and talk about induction then. We went in, test was great for him, my BP still high, and we agreed to begin cervical ripeners as a form of induction to see if that would put me into labor on my own. So we were admitted to the hospital on March 7th and the cervical ripeners began around 12pm. I started feeling crampy, nothing significant, they suggested I order lunch. We relaxed, or rather I relaxed and Josh was pretty bored. Can't blame him! He took some walks, played with his Iphone. I got another dose around 4 and started to feel contractions but nothing major, a little more consistent. I ordered dinner, something light. I tried to sleep. The third dose began around 8 and we watched American Idol. I was feeling stronger cramps and contractions but nothing I couldn't talk through or handle at this point. Then I remember distinctly I heard a pop around 1030pm and I thought the baby had kicked me very hard. All of a sudden I realized something was different when I went to shift and gush after gush of fluid came out. There was so much! I said to Josh very calmly I think my water just broke. He jumped right up - finally something was happening! We were both excited. We got the nurse and she confirmed, said I was in early labor so try to sleep. How could I sleep? My baby was coming! I was full of adrenaline. Josh decided to get some sleep and I sat on the birth ball breathing, listening to my Hypnobabies Come Out Baby mp3. I walked around the room. I got on hands/knees for some cat/cow. I enjoyed this time. I felt the contractions coming close together and the peaks and valleys of them. I was glad for the rest in between. I would wake Josh to ask him to rub my back as I felt a lot of discomfort right in my sacrum. I felt most of my contractions or pain in my sacrum and low belly. Oh yeah - I didn't want any pain meds so was choosing to do this med free.
Well they checked my cervix sometime in the early morning hours - time frames get fuzzy here! I forget exactly how far along I was but it wasn't what they were looking for for the time I'd been in labor. I came in at 1.5 so a lot of cervical ripening had to be done. They said I was doing good so let's let you go along on your own a bit longer but time to think about pitocin to help the contractions become stronger. I was experiencing regular contractions (about 2 min apart) but they weren't increasing in strength. They all knew I wanted to let this run its course as natural as possible, but they were showing dips in the baby's heart rate sometimes and that concerned them. They believed he was head down but a star gazer - chin lifted rather than tucked, so when he would attempt to make his way down, he wasn't quite getting his head engaged to ripen the cervix. My cervix was still very posterior and needed to drop down. Well, at some point pitocin was given. I didn't handle it that well, and neither did the baby, so they didn't let us go with it for too long. At some point I was in the bath tub. That was heavenly. I took a snooze for a bit. I was definitely still able to talk just not during my contractions now, and I was certainly exhausted. So we began to talk about other methods of getting the contractions to pick up, baby to tuck his chin. They suggested different positions to labor in which I tried - childs pose, half lunge - but if baby's heart rate dipped again, I needed to shift. C section was brought up the longer I labored and still not a lot of progression. They knew this was a last resort for me so they suggested inserting a catheter into my cervix filled with a balloon of fluid that would cushion the baby's head. I had lost all my fluid by now and they thought baby might also have trouble coming down cause there was no fluid to cushion him. I said ok - we were now at about 24 hours, 12pm on Thursday. They wanted me to lie on my back for awhile for this and only shift side to side. I said ok, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do as I was having a lot of sacrum pain. They said this had to do with the cervix being so posterior. Well, this was a very invasive procedure. I had already had a number of cervical checks which kept feeling more and more invasive, and now I have people sticking this catheter up my cervix. There were more people in the room now. I was very scared at this point. I think Josh was scared seeing how much pain I was in as they did this procedure and then my contractions really picked up. They were coming 1 min apart about with no break and I was having such a hard time focusing and breathing without being able to move. Josh was holding my hands, locking my eyes, trying to keep me focused. They offered me a popsicle, I tried it and threw up. I was moaning in pain and writhing in pain. I was hoping beyond hope this was doing something - it felt like it was in my body. At some point finally I could move and I went and sat on the toilet. I just felt comfortable there! I would moved between leaning on the bed and sitting on the toilet to labor. Contractions were definitely more intense and my eyes would roll back in my head while in them - I couldn't focus on anything but them and couldn't do much in between. I had a bit more rest between contractions, and then they started to slow again. This is when they suggested more pitocin. I had been at 5cm for some time now. They thought my body was doing a good job but it was taking its time and baby was showing distress and dips in his heart at times. We were both exhausted. I said ok. They started it and I quickly knew I couldn't handle the pain. After laboring as natural as I could, I asked for an epidural, about 29 or so hours in... I wanted this to work but knew I needed some pain relief and rest for it to be an option. I was confined to the bed, a catheter was put in, more drugs and fluids pumped into me... I felt helpless and hopeless. It was good to rest, and I just hoped the pitocin would get me the vaginal birth I wanted. Unfortunately, it became quickly apparent the baby was not tolerating the pitocin. The spikes in his heart rate were concerning to the doctors. A c section was mentioned for a second time. They said I could continue as I was seeing if the pitocin would work, but they said it was apparent the baby was in more distress. I was so exhausted, so over wanting what I wanted, and just wanted more than anything a healthy baby boy in my arms. Josh had been so supportive during all of this, letting me choose the labor I wanted through it all. We both agreed to the c section at this point, knowing it was the right option for the situation we were in. I felt relief knowing I'd meet my son soon, but also scared as I'd never had surgery before let alone been in the hospital hooked up to so many things, so many drugs and such pumped into my body. Josh and I held hands and cried, more out of relief for me, sadness over not getting the delivery I wanted, Josh more out of fear I believe. He later told me he kept thinking how his whole life was on that operating table. Josh put his scrubs on and had to wait in the room while they got me into the operating room. There were so many people and voices in there. They kept me calm by talking to me and making jokes. It helped, though I was shaking so bad. They kept asking me if I was cold, I said no, just nerves. Shock really I believe at this point. They put an oxygen mask on me which freaked me out a bit and they made sure I couldn't move from my chest down as the epidural took further effect. They told me I was going to feel a lot of pressure and people kind of prodding, moving things around. Josh was finally let in and we held hands and locked eyes. There was a lot of pressure - I wouldn't say I felt pain initially but it was uncomfortable. It seemed like forever... but eventually they told me we're almost there, and then he's out! He didn't cry right away but very shortly after I heard his first cry. I can't even remember if Josh cut the cord. I know he didn't want to see them taking the baby out of me. Josh went to Julian as they cleaned him up and swaddled him. He had a good set of lungs. I could see a bit, and very shortly after Josh brought him right up to my face so I could say hi and give him a kiss and talk to him. We were both crying, happy, relieved. It turned out Julian's cord was against my cervix so every time the little guy would try to come down he'd press on his cord and drop his heart rate. That wad the trouble we were having the entire labor and possibly because he was so big, it was difficult to get him to turn, move or reposition. Josh went with Julian to the nursery while I stayed in the operating room to get closed up. I felt more pressure this time around and pain - the pressure was so intense. I found out they took my uterus out and then put it back in. I was starting to go into shock a little more now - having trouble staying focused. I don't know if they gave me something to relax or if I just passed out for a bit, cause I woke up and they were about done. I was wheeled off to recovery and finally allowed to hold my son and breastfeed. He breastfed immediately, like a champ. That made this mama happy. Once I held him, he opened his eyes and we locked eyes, nothing else mattered. He was perfect. How he got into the world didn't seem as important.
10 days later my hormones have finally started to settle. Instead of constant highs and lows I'm more grounded and vary from a state of elated happiness at getting to be this little boy's Mom and states of exhaustion, and crankiness. Each day gets a little easier, there's a little more of a groove. I start to feel a bit of my old self, and also begin to understand more this new self. And I take the time to grieve. I cry over what I didn't have in my birth experience. I cry over the trauma inflicted on my body - literally having my baby cut out from me. I don't know if every woman feels as I do, but I know my body knows something happened - in the sense the journey from egg and sperm meeting to our baby being born wasn't quite completed. It's like a short circuit. But breastfeeding my boy, holding my boy, singing and loving and sharing with my boy, closes that short circuit. And my body is healing fast... so fast.... which doesn't surprise me. I don't push it but I know I'll be back to a yoga class soon for the support of community and the guidance of some of my favorite teachers. In the meantime, I practice at home when I can. A down dog here, a forward fold there, this and that.... the focus less on building anything and more on healing and releasing. I think in some ways I'll always grieve over this labor and delivery, but the pain lessens over time. The compassion for myself and honoring and recognizing the strength and beauty in what I did go through, increases. I was able to labor naturally for quite some time and be in that experience and know my body has the ability to birth. I was able to labor with my little boy for 31 hours. I was able to provide the vessel from which he grew and came forth. And I know a VBAC is very possible for me in the future. I will keep savoring every moment with my little guy as I heal myself physically and emotionally.
