Most of my Facebook posts are light, often about my teaching schedule, or what fun things I have planned for the day, who I am thankful or grateful for, or a spiritual tidbit/quote. Today I posted in response to something that keeps showing up: "Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I don't need to be fixed and neither do you. I trust that you are being guided by intuition and a bit of the divine. I trust that I am being guided by the same." What irritates or bugs us the most, and especially if it keeps showing up, is the Universe's way of saying, take a look at this - within yourself. The words I posted were a pep talk - to myself.
I have always been someone who does not like being told what I should or should not do. Or can and cannot do. It may be an oldest child thing, or a child growing up in an alcoholic family thing. Little adult at an early age. So I've always walked my own path and trusted that I know myself best.... or so I thought (about that last part, the trusting part)
I've realized over the years, and with the help of yoga for sure, that this pattern of not liking to hear the shoulds or should nots have irritated me more than most people. I had a harder time letting go when someone would voice an unasked for opinion on my life to me. Being pregnant has brought more of this on than before. People who are strangers, to acquaintances, to friends will offer up their opinions, advice, without me asking for it - and more so now that I am really showing and my due date gets ever closer. At first I'd brush it off, thank them politely, take it with a grain of salt. But apparently it affected me more than I wanted to admit or deal with. And then I asked what is all of this saying about me?
As someone who doesn't like to be told should or should not, I have lived in a place of fear. I put up a good front, say I know what I'm doing, but as soon as those words SHOULD came out I question my belief in myself. My so called trust in myself isn't as strong as I thought. And I get angry - it's directed at you, but I'm truly angry at me, for not believing.
It's most easy to see in others what you don't want to see in yourself. I'm good with being supportive, compassionate, offering suggestions but not dishing out my own should or should nots with friends, students, coworkers, acquaintances.... but when it comes to those in my innermost circle - family, my boyfriend Josh, my soon to be son... I am not so good at keeping my mouth shut.
This has come up most with my boyfriend Josh. I've found myself during my pregnancy telling him he SHOULD go to the doctor, get a check up... he SHOULD get to yoga more.... he SHOULDN'T be going out having drinks with his buddies.... he SHOULD be reading more pregnancy books, preparing for our son's arrival... etc etc Not once did I hear a SHOULD from him... he's never been the "let me treat you different cause you're pregnant" boyfriend and I so thank him for that. He's listened, been supportive, for my highest good.. I have not done the same for him. And the more I sit with this I understand it's my own FEAR coming up. The FEAR of him not being around and having to do this alone. The FEAR we won't be good parents, we'll screw up in some way. Loads and loads of FEAR.
I think we can all say when we dish out the should or should nots, when we try to FIX someone we do it with the best intentions. We care about said person so much. But what we truly care about is masking our own fear, taking the quick way out by reacting to another person so we don't have to deal with it - fixing them so we feel better. It's not about that person's highest good. And so the fear remains.
The work becomes trusting myself and what I intuitively know to be true - in my body, in my life, in myself. If I truly trust, when someone gives me a should, should not, when someone tries to fix me, I won't feel this internal bubbling of fear. I'll be able to smile, recognize that what they are saying is about them, and only I am the one who can make it about me. When I trust in myself, I will trust in another person's ability to do the same. I will trust that just as I know how to care for myself, Josh, and those I love, know how to do the same. It's scary to let go of that fear. It's been such a safety net, but I'd rather believe I can fly.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
What the body already knows
It's been hard to keep up with this blog. I'm almost 6 months pregnant, past the halfway part of my pregnancy, and find myself trying to slow down more, to enjoy this all because soon it will end. To enjoy all the kicks, jabs, rolls I feel, to enjoy the quiet moments at home, to enjoy time spent with Josh just the two of us, to enjoy the time to watch two movies, or a whole season of a show I like on netflix, to enjoy time spent with friends, loved ones, to enjoy taking a class as often as I can now, the list goes on and on. Enjoy now and appreciate, so I won't have regrets, and can enjoy Julian and the changes he brings fully when he arrives!
One thing that comes up more and more now in my pregnancy is fear. It's somewhat ironic that it's not the fear of labor. Perhaps that will come later, but for now, I feel very confident in my ability to delivery this baby as I feel so in tune with my body. I totally attribute this to yoga and the mind body connection it brings. If I think back, I think I knew I was pregnant very quickly before a test, but I doubted what my body knew because my mind was like "we've never done this before!" I could feel my hips spreading before I could TRULY feel my hips spreading and recognizing the need to modify my practice more (can you say Mula Bhanda?) I could feel Julian moving as early as 14 or 15 weeks but I didn't trust what my body was telling me completely as my mind hadn't understood it before. Isn't it amazing how often we all do this, wait for the mind to catch up to what the body already knows?
So this fear thing. My body has been feeling it for awhile. Shallow breath at times, tightness in shoulders and chest, general feeling of unease and uncertainty. I practice yoga, I breathe, I feel better. But I haven't been sitting with fear as much as I need to. This has become apparent because of my recent emotional outbursts in the last month or so. They've been minor, tears here or there when I feel Josh and I aren't connecting as parents, when I can feel the weight gain and wonder who's body is this as I don't feel as sexy as I used to, etc etc They pop up, I'd feel the fear in my body, and I'd kind of pass it off as silly, as come on, you know better. But that isn't really acknowledging fear exists, is it?
I love being pregnant. I feel beautiful - most days. Sexy, eh, not so much, but I'm trying. Beautiful, yes. This is when I embrace my experience. When I don't, fears come in about not being good enough, of resenting where I am, of remembering how it was. I have expected others to see me as I do during this time but I've realized, that won't necessarily happen. So it's up to me to see me as I want to be seen, as I feel when fully embraced in my experience. That is how I try to live each day.
So come the days when I get ahead of myself, and start thinking about parenting, about the next year, two years, 5 years, etc.. what will I be like? How will I handle this? All this talk of things yet to come, and perhaps things that may never come. I drive myself crazy with this fear, of the unknown. I talk to Josh and I drive him crazy, because neither of us know how we'll deal with it until we're in it. Until we embrace our experience fully. I worry so much about us not connecting as parents, that I don't give us a chance TO connect.
Case in point - Josh brings up how he wants Julian to learn Chinese. Josh is half Chinese and never got the chance to learn as his Dad said no - a mistake he has apologized for. Josh doesn't want the same thing to happen to his son. He feels learning Chinese would be beneficial in this world, and it's part of Julian's heritage. He talked about sending Julian to a Chinese speaking preschool. Well, I reacted, and I reacted strongly, throwing out all the half assed reasons of why this couldn't happen, all of them totally based in fear. I kept saying NO NO NO NO with nothing to back it up. I didn't even know why I was saying no. Later, I understood it was not an objection to Julian speaking Chinese. How amazing for my kid to be fluent in another language at an early age? To be able to converse with his grandma in Chinese, maybe his Dad too? To travel to another country where he can speak the language? To teach me perhaps? I was stuck in a place of fear and what I feared was losing him - of losing our connection.
This bond I have with him is so strong already. Now that I have it, I don't want to lose it. But how can I? I am his mother. This will always be. I am realizing that thinking about me and what I want in this journey is not going to work. Setting up Julian's life around MY fears is not the work of a good parent. So I am making the choice to look at these fears as they come up - as they will continue to do. To recognize their feeling in my body. To allow myself to feel and talk about them without judging myself. This is how I will be able to love more deeply than I've ever known, to be the best mother and human being I can be.
One thing that comes up more and more now in my pregnancy is fear. It's somewhat ironic that it's not the fear of labor. Perhaps that will come later, but for now, I feel very confident in my ability to delivery this baby as I feel so in tune with my body. I totally attribute this to yoga and the mind body connection it brings. If I think back, I think I knew I was pregnant very quickly before a test, but I doubted what my body knew because my mind was like "we've never done this before!" I could feel my hips spreading before I could TRULY feel my hips spreading and recognizing the need to modify my practice more (can you say Mula Bhanda?) I could feel Julian moving as early as 14 or 15 weeks but I didn't trust what my body was telling me completely as my mind hadn't understood it before. Isn't it amazing how often we all do this, wait for the mind to catch up to what the body already knows?
So this fear thing. My body has been feeling it for awhile. Shallow breath at times, tightness in shoulders and chest, general feeling of unease and uncertainty. I practice yoga, I breathe, I feel better. But I haven't been sitting with fear as much as I need to. This has become apparent because of my recent emotional outbursts in the last month or so. They've been minor, tears here or there when I feel Josh and I aren't connecting as parents, when I can feel the weight gain and wonder who's body is this as I don't feel as sexy as I used to, etc etc They pop up, I'd feel the fear in my body, and I'd kind of pass it off as silly, as come on, you know better. But that isn't really acknowledging fear exists, is it?
I love being pregnant. I feel beautiful - most days. Sexy, eh, not so much, but I'm trying. Beautiful, yes. This is when I embrace my experience. When I don't, fears come in about not being good enough, of resenting where I am, of remembering how it was. I have expected others to see me as I do during this time but I've realized, that won't necessarily happen. So it's up to me to see me as I want to be seen, as I feel when fully embraced in my experience. That is how I try to live each day.
So come the days when I get ahead of myself, and start thinking about parenting, about the next year, two years, 5 years, etc.. what will I be like? How will I handle this? All this talk of things yet to come, and perhaps things that may never come. I drive myself crazy with this fear, of the unknown. I talk to Josh and I drive him crazy, because neither of us know how we'll deal with it until we're in it. Until we embrace our experience fully. I worry so much about us not connecting as parents, that I don't give us a chance TO connect.
Case in point - Josh brings up how he wants Julian to learn Chinese. Josh is half Chinese and never got the chance to learn as his Dad said no - a mistake he has apologized for. Josh doesn't want the same thing to happen to his son. He feels learning Chinese would be beneficial in this world, and it's part of Julian's heritage. He talked about sending Julian to a Chinese speaking preschool. Well, I reacted, and I reacted strongly, throwing out all the half assed reasons of why this couldn't happen, all of them totally based in fear. I kept saying NO NO NO NO with nothing to back it up. I didn't even know why I was saying no. Later, I understood it was not an objection to Julian speaking Chinese. How amazing for my kid to be fluent in another language at an early age? To be able to converse with his grandma in Chinese, maybe his Dad too? To travel to another country where he can speak the language? To teach me perhaps? I was stuck in a place of fear and what I feared was losing him - of losing our connection.
This bond I have with him is so strong already. Now that I have it, I don't want to lose it. But how can I? I am his mother. This will always be. I am realizing that thinking about me and what I want in this journey is not going to work. Setting up Julian's life around MY fears is not the work of a good parent. So I am making the choice to look at these fears as they come up - as they will continue to do. To recognize their feeling in my body. To allow myself to feel and talk about them without judging myself. This is how I will be able to love more deeply than I've ever known, to be the best mother and human being I can be.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Grieving as a part of new beginnings
It's been over a month since I've posted. I would usually attribute this to having too much end of the summer fun. That wasn't it for me this year. I had plenty of time to write but have been feeling lonely, uninspired, disconnected, and just overall blah. I read an article in the latest Yoga Journal this afternoon on experiencing major change and then sat down to meditate in what has been the longest time. It hit me like a ton of bricks pretty suddenly - I'm grieving.
I've always been someone who handles major changes in my life in such a way that I become scared, super emotional and almost unable to deal as the change approaches. Once the change has happened, I am fine. I adapt quickly.
Yoga has helped me to weather the change in my life with more grace but it doesn't stop the emotions of change from coming through. This pregnancy for me has not been one of physical complaints at all thus far, but it has been one of many emotions. I think when people ask how I'm doing I always figure they are asking about the physical stuff, but there's a whole other component too. And it's a component that you just can't talk that easily about in the min before or after yoga class. It's one that takes more processing time.
I don't think I ever realized how big a part grieving is when it comes to change in our lives. We get it when someone dies (and sometimes not even then), but we dont' seem to get it when it relates to other change, especially happy change, such as a baby being born. I don't believe I recognized grieving as an important part of the process of change until now. I would always say yeah this stinks, or it's a happy thing so it's intense but ok, or it hurts now, but will get better soon... I never gave myself permission to say I'm grieving the loss of THIS, however good the change may be, or in the past, however painful THIS has been.
Yes, I know I will carry parts of me into me as a mother, parts I love, parts I don't like so much. I will change yet remain the same. At this time though, I need to recognize loss. I will allow myself to grieve for the loss of my selfish, individual life I have loved so much. I will grieve for all the things I haven't done and now wonder if I ever will. I will grieve for my childhood, my early adulthood, the times of freedom and expression and discovery. I will grieve for things I can't put to words but feelings I can feel.
And then will come acceptance. Joy. Embrace.
I've always been someone who handles major changes in my life in such a way that I become scared, super emotional and almost unable to deal as the change approaches. Once the change has happened, I am fine. I adapt quickly.
Yoga has helped me to weather the change in my life with more grace but it doesn't stop the emotions of change from coming through. This pregnancy for me has not been one of physical complaints at all thus far, but it has been one of many emotions. I think when people ask how I'm doing I always figure they are asking about the physical stuff, but there's a whole other component too. And it's a component that you just can't talk that easily about in the min before or after yoga class. It's one that takes more processing time.
I don't think I ever realized how big a part grieving is when it comes to change in our lives. We get it when someone dies (and sometimes not even then), but we dont' seem to get it when it relates to other change, especially happy change, such as a baby being born. I don't believe I recognized grieving as an important part of the process of change until now. I would always say yeah this stinks, or it's a happy thing so it's intense but ok, or it hurts now, but will get better soon... I never gave myself permission to say I'm grieving the loss of THIS, however good the change may be, or in the past, however painful THIS has been.
Yes, I know I will carry parts of me into me as a mother, parts I love, parts I don't like so much. I will change yet remain the same. At this time though, I need to recognize loss. I will allow myself to grieve for the loss of my selfish, individual life I have loved so much. I will grieve for all the things I haven't done and now wonder if I ever will. I will grieve for my childhood, my early adulthood, the times of freedom and expression and discovery. I will grieve for things I can't put to words but feelings I can feel.
And then will come acceptance. Joy. Embrace.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Everyone connects differently
Practicing and teaching yoga has shown me that we all connect differently when it comes to our practice. Some of us connect physically, and like precise cueing that we can hear, or a pose that we can see demonstrated. Some of us connect to the feeling of a pose or movement, and enjoy less alignment, and more intuitively understanding what the body needs. Some of us connect more to what's said in class, the sound of a teacher's voice, the metaphors or spiritual insights they provide, and dont' care as much about what the body is doing. Most of us are a combination of these which demonstrated there's not one right way to your own truth.
I've come to my own truth (and when I say my own truth, I mean the privilege of knowing myself) through a variety of means. They were introspective as a child - many hours holed up in my room listening to music I connected to and writing depressing poetry for the emotions I couldn't quite process yet. As a teenager, and young college student, I connected through giving to another person, falling in love, and again dealing with the emotions I couldn't quite process or put my voice to through writing and experimental drug use. I came out of that fog numb and lost, and that's where yoga came into my life. For me, it was the final step in discovering my truth, in peeling back the layers that had built up, at finally processing the emotions underneath. What was left was me, raw and vulnerable. My beautiful truth had been revealed and I realized all was not lost afterall.
Here I am, about 10 weeks pregnant, connecting to my baby in my own way. I find the moments I connect the most are during my yoga practice or in quiet reflection. Sometimes I may talk as I rest my hand on my belly, but mainly I tune in, I listen. These early moments here are reminding me that as many times as I want to talk to my child, tell them how it is so to speak, there will be many more moments I'll need to listen. Only then will I know how to respond. Understanding my own process of connection has helped me to understand Josh's way is not my way. I tend to talk more than he does about hopes, fears, how I'm feeling and I used to think this meant he was disconnected. He's told me it's him remaining present to what is now - and not to dwell on what has not come to pass. I find that already a challenge as a parent to be and I admire him for keeping it simple. We get the usual question of if we'll find out the sex of the baby. When I tell them that we will, sometimes I hear "you should wait, it's the biggest surprise there is! be cool with the unknown, isn't that what yoga folks do?" etc etc I honestly thought I'd wait. I have a partner in this pregnancy and Josh told me immediately he wanted to know. I questioned him, and he said he's an inquisitive person. I thought more about it and realized this is HIS way to connect. He finds out it's a boy or a girl, and he can begin to place his hand on my belly and feel his son or daughter, or talk to his son or daughter, or just in his own time reflect on them. So no, I am not going to take the Draino test. Or hold a pendulum over my belly, or place a penny on my belly, or however many other old wise tales I've heard can detect the sex of the baby (though I did do the Chinese gender prediction test early on!). I'll keep connecting, practice what IS, and look forward to the knowledge of our son or daughter, news that will come one way or another :)
I've come to my own truth (and when I say my own truth, I mean the privilege of knowing myself) through a variety of means. They were introspective as a child - many hours holed up in my room listening to music I connected to and writing depressing poetry for the emotions I couldn't quite process yet. As a teenager, and young college student, I connected through giving to another person, falling in love, and again dealing with the emotions I couldn't quite process or put my voice to through writing and experimental drug use. I came out of that fog numb and lost, and that's where yoga came into my life. For me, it was the final step in discovering my truth, in peeling back the layers that had built up, at finally processing the emotions underneath. What was left was me, raw and vulnerable. My beautiful truth had been revealed and I realized all was not lost afterall.
Here I am, about 10 weeks pregnant, connecting to my baby in my own way. I find the moments I connect the most are during my yoga practice or in quiet reflection. Sometimes I may talk as I rest my hand on my belly, but mainly I tune in, I listen. These early moments here are reminding me that as many times as I want to talk to my child, tell them how it is so to speak, there will be many more moments I'll need to listen. Only then will I know how to respond. Understanding my own process of connection has helped me to understand Josh's way is not my way. I tend to talk more than he does about hopes, fears, how I'm feeling and I used to think this meant he was disconnected. He's told me it's him remaining present to what is now - and not to dwell on what has not come to pass. I find that already a challenge as a parent to be and I admire him for keeping it simple. We get the usual question of if we'll find out the sex of the baby. When I tell them that we will, sometimes I hear "you should wait, it's the biggest surprise there is! be cool with the unknown, isn't that what yoga folks do?" etc etc I honestly thought I'd wait. I have a partner in this pregnancy and Josh told me immediately he wanted to know. I questioned him, and he said he's an inquisitive person. I thought more about it and realized this is HIS way to connect. He finds out it's a boy or a girl, and he can begin to place his hand on my belly and feel his son or daughter, or talk to his son or daughter, or just in his own time reflect on them. So no, I am not going to take the Draino test. Or hold a pendulum over my belly, or place a penny on my belly, or however many other old wise tales I've heard can detect the sex of the baby (though I did do the Chinese gender prediction test early on!). I'll keep connecting, practice what IS, and look forward to the knowledge of our son or daughter, news that will come one way or another :)
Friday, July 8, 2011
Pregnancy: A Practice in Faith
George Michael knew what he was talking about when he said "You gotta have faith" I found out two weeks ago I was pregnant, and here I am 7 weeks. Faith, or as I like to call it, trust, is a huge part of my world right now. It is the heart of my yoga practice.
The first week I found out I was pregnant I was elated, excited and thrilled, and thought my boyfriend to have the same reaction especially since this was a planned pregnancy. He was excited, but was more quiet, thinking. The pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had my first pregnancy meltdown - does he want this baby? Will he be here for me? Waaa, waaa, waaaa. Where was my faith and trust? How quickly it left as our world began to change.
So I began to journal again. I began to share my news with those I loved. My boyfriend began to share his news too. We talked. We agreed to take it a little bit at a time and not think of everything that needs to be done at once.
And then begin my symptoms. Week 5 and 6 I had no morning sickness, but my small boobs became increasingly swollen and tender. And still are, LOL. I was so gassy and bloated, and was cramping, but no blood thankfully. My faith began to lose hold again as I read online (you can GOOGLE anything!) about my symptoms. Some women said all of this is normal, as did some of the expert sights, but then of course you read the cases were this lead to miscarriage. My mind of course wanted to focus there. So I turned the computer off. I practiced yoga, breathed into my body that I could feel was beginning to change, but was really still my own when it came to my practice. I called my Mom. She told me not to worry. And here I am 7 weeks and a lot of the gastrointestinal stuff is gone and I just feel tired and have swollen boobs and wonder.... am I really pregnant?
Century after century women have been giving birth with no ultrasounds, no doctors, sometimes on their own, and sometimes in the most horrid conditions. I remind myself this as I wonder what the heck is going on in my body, as I remind myself to trust my body knows what to do. A friend who is an ultrasound tech said she'd give me one before my first prenatal visit (at 9 weeks) and I told her thanks, but no thanks. Some people were shocked. Why wouldn't I want to see? I read online of women buying their own ultrasound kits so they could do it themselves as insurance often pays for just one or two, or makes you wait till end of first trimester. This is crazy! Women have turned from a place of intuitively trusting their own bodies and the change of pregnancy, process of labor. They have changed to a state of fear, operating from that place.
I will acknowledge my fear of going to this first prenatal visit and being told there's no heartbeat, nothing there, and recognize this fear is not based in reality, of anything that is known. I will focus on what is known - 3 positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, no period for almost 2 months. I will acknowledge my fears of the process of labor, having a natural childbirth, will I be able to do it, and recognize this is the unknown and like anything that is unknown I approach it with intention and presence. I will acknowledge my fear of being a bad mother and hold steadfast to my belief that YES LOVE IS ENOUGH.
When you acknowledge fear, you can set it free. You understand it is not based in reality, in what is known, when you examine it closely. Your recognize it's your trust and faith that have got you this far, not your fear. It is enough, it will carry you through.
The first week I found out I was pregnant I was elated, excited and thrilled, and thought my boyfriend to have the same reaction especially since this was a planned pregnancy. He was excited, but was more quiet, thinking. The pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had my first pregnancy meltdown - does he want this baby? Will he be here for me? Waaa, waaa, waaaa. Where was my faith and trust? How quickly it left as our world began to change.
So I began to journal again. I began to share my news with those I loved. My boyfriend began to share his news too. We talked. We agreed to take it a little bit at a time and not think of everything that needs to be done at once.
And then begin my symptoms. Week 5 and 6 I had no morning sickness, but my small boobs became increasingly swollen and tender. And still are, LOL. I was so gassy and bloated, and was cramping, but no blood thankfully. My faith began to lose hold again as I read online (you can GOOGLE anything!) about my symptoms. Some women said all of this is normal, as did some of the expert sights, but then of course you read the cases were this lead to miscarriage. My mind of course wanted to focus there. So I turned the computer off. I practiced yoga, breathed into my body that I could feel was beginning to change, but was really still my own when it came to my practice. I called my Mom. She told me not to worry. And here I am 7 weeks and a lot of the gastrointestinal stuff is gone and I just feel tired and have swollen boobs and wonder.... am I really pregnant?
Century after century women have been giving birth with no ultrasounds, no doctors, sometimes on their own, and sometimes in the most horrid conditions. I remind myself this as I wonder what the heck is going on in my body, as I remind myself to trust my body knows what to do. A friend who is an ultrasound tech said she'd give me one before my first prenatal visit (at 9 weeks) and I told her thanks, but no thanks. Some people were shocked. Why wouldn't I want to see? I read online of women buying their own ultrasound kits so they could do it themselves as insurance often pays for just one or two, or makes you wait till end of first trimester. This is crazy! Women have turned from a place of intuitively trusting their own bodies and the change of pregnancy, process of labor. They have changed to a state of fear, operating from that place.
I will acknowledge my fear of going to this first prenatal visit and being told there's no heartbeat, nothing there, and recognize this fear is not based in reality, of anything that is known. I will focus on what is known - 3 positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, no period for almost 2 months. I will acknowledge my fears of the process of labor, having a natural childbirth, will I be able to do it, and recognize this is the unknown and like anything that is unknown I approach it with intention and presence. I will acknowledge my fear of being a bad mother and hold steadfast to my belief that YES LOVE IS ENOUGH.
When you acknowledge fear, you can set it free. You understand it is not based in reality, in what is known, when you examine it closely. Your recognize it's your trust and faith that have got you this far, not your fear. It is enough, it will carry you through.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
It happens for me, not to me
I have been reminded of the words of Byron Katie a lot lately - asking why things happen FOR me, rather than TO me. I can't say there is a particular reason for this. It's not as if life has thrown me any speedbumps lately. I am cruising along, happy.
I think an event a few weeks ago changed my perspective. I taught at Saluting the Spirit, an event in Boston that benefits Pathways to Wellness and yogaHOPE - two non profits that serve the Boston community in a compassionate, mindful and holistic manner. The populations served by these organizations are often those who are underserved, overlooked, neglected when it comes to holistic healing. This event featured many of the "who's who" of Boston - teachers I admire and look up to. I definitely didn't consider myself a "who's who" I was so stressed leading up to the event, wishing the day to just be over, so concerned about what people would think of me and my teaching. Silly, huh? The day of the event I taught my 20 min segment a bit nervously, and then assisted for most of the day. I was in the ZONE as I assisted. It was what I needed and from the comments from others, what they needed too. The whole experience made me realize how I created my own suffering - I was stuck in a mindset of something happening TO me. My ego was fully involved and engaged. When I could step outside of that box, create more space, I felt and understood why this was happening FOR me. The FOR me part does not involve ego. It involves the SELF - my ability to be a conduit of healing for others and thus myself.
Since that time, I feel much more empowered, which makes sense. When you are in a mind set of things happening TO you, you are a victim. You have lost your power. When you can transform that to things happening FOR you, you become empowered. It's a good feeling. It has stuck with me.
I taught a class this past Friday where we focused on headstands. Now at the studio I teach at, and other places I've encountered, no one really teaches headstands in a regular class. The inversions are forearm stand and handstand usually. People may say "go into your headstand if that's part of your practice" but no one actually TEACHES it. I decided to do it, though I thought to myself, "am I breaking a cardinal rule?" It was a great class. People were responsive. I approached headstand in a way that was safe and provided the students with building blocks toward the peak pose, and I reminded them constantly "if you feel unstable, you ARE unstable" And then this one girl toppled out of tripod on to her block when I wasn't watching. I had taken a glance earlier and she looked stable - not sure what happened. The student in front of her who was probably the most advanced asana wise I thought gave me a look as to almost say "how could you let this happen" Aha - here's my ego saying how could this happen TO me. I checked on the student, gave her a few tips to release her back which had hit the block, and continued with class. In the back of my mind, I wondered what that more advanced student thought. I taught a few more vatiations of basket headstand later, and then began to close the class with some restoration for neck and shoulders, as many students who are newer to inversions often create tension in those areas because they don't know how to engage their shoulderblades.
Now at the end of class I was still wondering if the class was successful and accomplished giving these students a basis to go into headstand safely. I decided to give myself a pep talk so to speak, as I talked to them. I told them how some teachers may say you don't approach a peak pose until you're a 6 year practicing Ashtangi, been trained by Iyengar himself, etc etc I told them my philosophy is that I believe anyone can learn the building blocks toward a peak pose and practice them. And if you are listening to your body as you should be during your practice, you will know what you are and are not ready for. I told them this is possible for all of them. I also told them that sometimes we don't listen, we fall, we injure outself. We could sit there and say "why did this happen to me? that teacher made this happen to me," etc etc or we can say that the fall or the injury happened FOR me. It's here to show me something, give me a greater awareness into my self. If you've ever read Matthew Sanford's book Waking (if not, read it!) he talks about this when he breaks his femur by pushing into a yoga pose and he talks about this major injury happening FOR him and where it took his practice and life.
I challenge you to do this daily. Ask yourself why is this happening FOR me rather than TO me. You will recognize the empowerment immediately as your own true nature.
I think an event a few weeks ago changed my perspective. I taught at Saluting the Spirit, an event in Boston that benefits Pathways to Wellness and yogaHOPE - two non profits that serve the Boston community in a compassionate, mindful and holistic manner. The populations served by these organizations are often those who are underserved, overlooked, neglected when it comes to holistic healing. This event featured many of the "who's who" of Boston - teachers I admire and look up to. I definitely didn't consider myself a "who's who" I was so stressed leading up to the event, wishing the day to just be over, so concerned about what people would think of me and my teaching. Silly, huh? The day of the event I taught my 20 min segment a bit nervously, and then assisted for most of the day. I was in the ZONE as I assisted. It was what I needed and from the comments from others, what they needed too. The whole experience made me realize how I created my own suffering - I was stuck in a mindset of something happening TO me. My ego was fully involved and engaged. When I could step outside of that box, create more space, I felt and understood why this was happening FOR me. The FOR me part does not involve ego. It involves the SELF - my ability to be a conduit of healing for others and thus myself.
Since that time, I feel much more empowered, which makes sense. When you are in a mind set of things happening TO you, you are a victim. You have lost your power. When you can transform that to things happening FOR you, you become empowered. It's a good feeling. It has stuck with me.
I taught a class this past Friday where we focused on headstands. Now at the studio I teach at, and other places I've encountered, no one really teaches headstands in a regular class. The inversions are forearm stand and handstand usually. People may say "go into your headstand if that's part of your practice" but no one actually TEACHES it. I decided to do it, though I thought to myself, "am I breaking a cardinal rule?" It was a great class. People were responsive. I approached headstand in a way that was safe and provided the students with building blocks toward the peak pose, and I reminded them constantly "if you feel unstable, you ARE unstable" And then this one girl toppled out of tripod on to her block when I wasn't watching. I had taken a glance earlier and she looked stable - not sure what happened. The student in front of her who was probably the most advanced asana wise I thought gave me a look as to almost say "how could you let this happen" Aha - here's my ego saying how could this happen TO me. I checked on the student, gave her a few tips to release her back which had hit the block, and continued with class. In the back of my mind, I wondered what that more advanced student thought. I taught a few more vatiations of basket headstand later, and then began to close the class with some restoration for neck and shoulders, as many students who are newer to inversions often create tension in those areas because they don't know how to engage their shoulderblades.
Now at the end of class I was still wondering if the class was successful and accomplished giving these students a basis to go into headstand safely. I decided to give myself a pep talk so to speak, as I talked to them. I told them how some teachers may say you don't approach a peak pose until you're a 6 year practicing Ashtangi, been trained by Iyengar himself, etc etc I told them my philosophy is that I believe anyone can learn the building blocks toward a peak pose and practice them. And if you are listening to your body as you should be during your practice, you will know what you are and are not ready for. I told them this is possible for all of them. I also told them that sometimes we don't listen, we fall, we injure outself. We could sit there and say "why did this happen to me? that teacher made this happen to me," etc etc or we can say that the fall or the injury happened FOR me. It's here to show me something, give me a greater awareness into my self. If you've ever read Matthew Sanford's book Waking (if not, read it!) he talks about this when he breaks his femur by pushing into a yoga pose and he talks about this major injury happening FOR him and where it took his practice and life.
I challenge you to do this daily. Ask yourself why is this happening FOR me rather than TO me. You will recognize the empowerment immediately as your own true nature.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Yoga teachers UNITE
I have been hearing a lot of talk lately whether on Facebook or just with friends I know in the yoga community about what does or doesn't make a good yoga teacher. Some people say creative and safe sequencing, advanced physical practice, attention to alignment are important in class. Some say a teacher who is spiritual and compassionate, and gives them a daily dose of insight. Some say just a teacher who looks hot and plays good music, a teacher you can have fun with in class.
All of this tells us that everyone's idea of a great yoga teacher is not going to be the same. We step onto the path of yoga at different places in our lives, and we walk on this path hopefully growing and changing in our practice, both physically and spiritually. I know that all of the above has spoken to me at one time or another.
Personally, I am in a place where I have done a good dose of spiritual work on my own, and with the help of some incredible teachers. I enjoy a creative sequence that challenges me and accesses new places in my body that I connect to through my breath. I don't care so much about good music (though it can help) or flow, or a teacher who is fun, but a teacher who guides me safely and is compassionate and confident in what they are teaching me. I am at a point in my practice where the teacher is truly myself. The teacher at the front of the room is not a god or goddess to me, but an inspiration. Some teachers are more inspiring to me than others, but this doesn't mean that whoever is teaching doesn't have worth in my eyes. When your practice becomes your practice, you can take with whomever and enjoy your class. You'll have your favorites but you won't judge the first time teacher who's leading you through a basic flow and probably nervous as all hell - cause I have been that teacher! You also won't judge that teacher who doesn't give you a dose of spirituality cause you got that all taken care of by yourself - you don't need someone else to make you feel inspired or happy.
The physical practice of yoga has been my connection to something deeper. The breath and challenge of more advanced postures has made me understand patterns of holding in my body, and ultimately patterns of holding within myself. I don't go in expecting this or that, but when something incredible happens, like when I was able to touch my foot to my head in pigeon the other day, the feeling was amazing. Not so much a feeling of accomplishment, but a feeling of elation, joy. Something shifted within me to make this possible. And yes, I look forward to the day I can balance in the middle of the room in handstand - cause I believe it will happen! My spiritual work is more my own now - listening, observing and being with what shows up for me in class as I breath, and I don't need a daily dose of spirituality to get there.
I think so many of us as yoga teachers eventually start to feel entitled and feel we can judge what makes a great teacher. It's all a matter of opinion. All we can do is teach authentically, with honesty. I know when a teacher gets under my skin so to speak it's something for me to look at. Why does it bother me this teacher has a larger class than mine? Why does it bother me this teacher can jump into crow and I can't? Why does it bother me this teacher is being raved about by someone and it's not me they are raving about?
I am the teacher who's continued practicing at a yoga studio after I had taught there and was told I wasn't a good fit. I am the teacher who practiced at a place I loved even though I could go for free elsewhere and eventually ended up teaching at this place. I am the teacher who has upset or had words with other teachers and then shows up to take their class. I have guts and heart. I challenge myself both physically and spiritually because I know that is the only way I am going to grow. Sometimes that challenge resides in less, sometimes it resides in more. We are here to be the human examples of change. Through this change is our potential, our purpose. So I am giving the shout out, yoga teachers UNITE. Quit your bitchin.
All of this tells us that everyone's idea of a great yoga teacher is not going to be the same. We step onto the path of yoga at different places in our lives, and we walk on this path hopefully growing and changing in our practice, both physically and spiritually. I know that all of the above has spoken to me at one time or another.
Personally, I am in a place where I have done a good dose of spiritual work on my own, and with the help of some incredible teachers. I enjoy a creative sequence that challenges me and accesses new places in my body that I connect to through my breath. I don't care so much about good music (though it can help) or flow, or a teacher who is fun, but a teacher who guides me safely and is compassionate and confident in what they are teaching me. I am at a point in my practice where the teacher is truly myself. The teacher at the front of the room is not a god or goddess to me, but an inspiration. Some teachers are more inspiring to me than others, but this doesn't mean that whoever is teaching doesn't have worth in my eyes. When your practice becomes your practice, you can take with whomever and enjoy your class. You'll have your favorites but you won't judge the first time teacher who's leading you through a basic flow and probably nervous as all hell - cause I have been that teacher! You also won't judge that teacher who doesn't give you a dose of spirituality cause you got that all taken care of by yourself - you don't need someone else to make you feel inspired or happy.
The physical practice of yoga has been my connection to something deeper. The breath and challenge of more advanced postures has made me understand patterns of holding in my body, and ultimately patterns of holding within myself. I don't go in expecting this or that, but when something incredible happens, like when I was able to touch my foot to my head in pigeon the other day, the feeling was amazing. Not so much a feeling of accomplishment, but a feeling of elation, joy. Something shifted within me to make this possible. And yes, I look forward to the day I can balance in the middle of the room in handstand - cause I believe it will happen! My spiritual work is more my own now - listening, observing and being with what shows up for me in class as I breath, and I don't need a daily dose of spirituality to get there.
I think so many of us as yoga teachers eventually start to feel entitled and feel we can judge what makes a great teacher. It's all a matter of opinion. All we can do is teach authentically, with honesty. I know when a teacher gets under my skin so to speak it's something for me to look at. Why does it bother me this teacher has a larger class than mine? Why does it bother me this teacher can jump into crow and I can't? Why does it bother me this teacher is being raved about by someone and it's not me they are raving about?
I am the teacher who's continued practicing at a yoga studio after I had taught there and was told I wasn't a good fit. I am the teacher who practiced at a place I loved even though I could go for free elsewhere and eventually ended up teaching at this place. I am the teacher who has upset or had words with other teachers and then shows up to take their class. I have guts and heart. I challenge myself both physically and spiritually because I know that is the only way I am going to grow. Sometimes that challenge resides in less, sometimes it resides in more. We are here to be the human examples of change. Through this change is our potential, our purpose. So I am giving the shout out, yoga teachers UNITE. Quit your bitchin.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
We are worthy
These days when we step outside everything is changing before our eyes. Doesn't it seem like we get a ton of rain one day and then overnight we wake up to grass and flowers and everything blooming? My life has felt this energy of change lately, too. It becomes harder for me to keep up with this blog and my periods of reflection because so much is happening around me that I am a part of. Perhaps you feel this too. The sluggishness of winter is falling away, and the upbeat excitability of Spring is here. More people want to get together, more people want to make things HAPPEN. It's a great feeling. Yet it can also be fearful as well, because we are encouraged to come out of our shells, our hibernation, and many of us are more comfortable out of the mix, rather than right in it.
Just last week I came home after a long day to find a voicemail and email and Facebook messages saying "Did you see? You're in Yoga Journal!" I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I discovered through friends that I was in this month's Yoga Journal on page 24, assisting the ladies of Hello House, a substance abuse treatment center I used to teach at for yogaHOPE, www.yogahope.org, a non-profit I also worked for. YogaHOPE and Sue Jones are a huge part of where I am today. When I was on the brink of change, in the Fall of 2007, wanting to teach full time but fearful if I could do it, Sue Jones and yogaHOPE showed me the way by hiring me as their part time Volunteer Coordinator - after I took the leap and quit my full time job! I had been teaching for yogaHOPE for some time then and considered it part of my giving back what yoga had brought me, to women who weren't likely to receive it, but could so benefit from yoga. I gave up my teaching position and part time position at YH about a year ago so I could make more space to grow my teaching and practice.
After hearing about this photo in YJ, (I still haven't seen it!) I contacted Sue and asked her about it. She said "Hey, maybe it's time for you to come back? Our new Trauma Informed Mind Body Programming is incredible!" And wouldn't you know it, she had a meeting that week about this programming on a night I could attend, for current and old teachers. I went and heard all about this programming we had dreamed about that was now in place and being implemented in a pilot facility. I was all excited to see how this year had shaped yogaHOPE, and reflected on how this year had shaped me as well. When I left yogaHOPE, I had been asked to teach at South Boston Yoga, my yoga community but certainly not a place I expected to teach at, because these were all my "gurus" so to speak. I was fearful of standing amongst my gurus, and was not sure I was worthy. And here I am a year later, part of the amazing teaching community there, and my teaching and personal practice has grown leaps and bounds as a result. How wonderful to see the same changes for yogaHOPE!
To place the icing on the cake to speak, Sue texts me the next day after this meeting to let me know that one of the teachers for yogaHOPE's main fundraiser, Saluting the Spirit, cannot make it and would I teach on that day. This fundraiser has been one of the biggest yoga fundraisers in Boston for a few years now. The lineup of teachers from the Boston area is incredible. And here Sue is, asking me, if I would join! I of course said yes, but not without fear. Who am I, to be considered, a voice says. Again, to be a part of something with the people I look up to and supporting a cause that is dear to me for what it brings to the community, and for how it has shaped my life - the emotions are almost too much to try and describe. Yet it's these emotions, these experiences that make me worthy.
So here I am, standing amongst the clouds so to speak, and still feeling my feet on the ground. What I take from all of this is that change is happening to all of us all the time. It's when we fear the most, that change is truly upon us. Every time something big has happened in my life it's because I've been willing to go there - to go to that place where the critical voice inside my head says who am I, this is not possible. Yet something believes. Something says I AM. Something says YES. In many ways it's a piece of God, of the Divine - that knows purpose and possibility. It is yours just as much as it is mine. We are worthy.
Just last week I came home after a long day to find a voicemail and email and Facebook messages saying "Did you see? You're in Yoga Journal!" I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I discovered through friends that I was in this month's Yoga Journal on page 24, assisting the ladies of Hello House, a substance abuse treatment center I used to teach at for yogaHOPE, www.yogahope.org, a non-profit I also worked for. YogaHOPE and Sue Jones are a huge part of where I am today. When I was on the brink of change, in the Fall of 2007, wanting to teach full time but fearful if I could do it, Sue Jones and yogaHOPE showed me the way by hiring me as their part time Volunteer Coordinator - after I took the leap and quit my full time job! I had been teaching for yogaHOPE for some time then and considered it part of my giving back what yoga had brought me, to women who weren't likely to receive it, but could so benefit from yoga. I gave up my teaching position and part time position at YH about a year ago so I could make more space to grow my teaching and practice.
After hearing about this photo in YJ, (I still haven't seen it!) I contacted Sue and asked her about it. She said "Hey, maybe it's time for you to come back? Our new Trauma Informed Mind Body Programming is incredible!" And wouldn't you know it, she had a meeting that week about this programming on a night I could attend, for current and old teachers. I went and heard all about this programming we had dreamed about that was now in place and being implemented in a pilot facility. I was all excited to see how this year had shaped yogaHOPE, and reflected on how this year had shaped me as well. When I left yogaHOPE, I had been asked to teach at South Boston Yoga, my yoga community but certainly not a place I expected to teach at, because these were all my "gurus" so to speak. I was fearful of standing amongst my gurus, and was not sure I was worthy. And here I am a year later, part of the amazing teaching community there, and my teaching and personal practice has grown leaps and bounds as a result. How wonderful to see the same changes for yogaHOPE!
To place the icing on the cake to speak, Sue texts me the next day after this meeting to let me know that one of the teachers for yogaHOPE's main fundraiser, Saluting the Spirit, cannot make it and would I teach on that day. This fundraiser has been one of the biggest yoga fundraisers in Boston for a few years now. The lineup of teachers from the Boston area is incredible. And here Sue is, asking me, if I would join! I of course said yes, but not without fear. Who am I, to be considered, a voice says. Again, to be a part of something with the people I look up to and supporting a cause that is dear to me for what it brings to the community, and for how it has shaped my life - the emotions are almost too much to try and describe. Yet it's these emotions, these experiences that make me worthy.
So here I am, standing amongst the clouds so to speak, and still feeling my feet on the ground. What I take from all of this is that change is happening to all of us all the time. It's when we fear the most, that change is truly upon us. Every time something big has happened in my life it's because I've been willing to go there - to go to that place where the critical voice inside my head says who am I, this is not possible. Yet something believes. Something says I AM. Something says YES. In many ways it's a piece of God, of the Divine - that knows purpose and possibility. It is yours just as much as it is mine. We are worthy.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
When life hands you a pile of crap...
When life hands you a pile of crap you....? I had to deal with this question recently. Literally. I came home after a long day of teaching and luckily saw this huge pile of crap on my doorstep before I stepped in it. I was shocked and curious more than angry, and had to laugh. I told Josh about it and said I wondered what it meant (Josh is my other half, if you don't know him) and he told me maybe it was just a pile of crap. I told some of my yogi friends and they, like me, started to look for the meaning in finding a pile of crap on my doorstep. One friend said fertilization, growth, another said something about taking care of my own crap, another said perhaps it had to deal with not taking other people's crap. I wasn't sure at that moment.
A few days later I received an email from a yoga colleague indicating that I had upset them with some recent wording of an event I was doing. I was very upset when I received this email as I had not intended to upset this person at all, and had instead used them as inspiration for something I was planning. I made a mistake, even with good intentions. And all of a sudden negative voices and emotions I hadn't heard in awhile got activated BIG TIME. My monster as Sue Jones would call it, was having a field day. Will this person forgive me? I never make mistakes! But my intentions were good! I don't want to admit I'm wrong! I don't want to take responsibility! How can I make this right? How can I sweep this under the rug? I want to be liked/loved!
I didn't want to admit that I hadn't taken into consideration all the hard work this person had done to develop their workshop. I didn't want to admit that I had acted hastily because I felt under pressure to do more since I'd had a recent change in my financial situation and was feeling stressed. I didn't want to acknowledge that I hadn't done enough of my own work to get the wording of the workshop to come from my authentic voice.
The old me would have taken this pile of crap and tried to manipulate it or throw it back into the faces of those I suspected had dealt it. I would blame and not accept responsibility. The old me would not have looked at this as an opportunity for growth and instead looked at it as another mistake I'd made and I'd make sure I felt guilty and ashamed about it. I would have cleaned this pile of crap up, but messily.
Instead I cleaned up this literal pile of crap with not too much complaint or frowning (ok, just a little - it did stink!) I emailed the person I had upset and apologized, accepting responsibility and chose to grow from the situation, and hold my head up high. So I ask you, what do you do when life hands you a pile of crap?
A few days later I received an email from a yoga colleague indicating that I had upset them with some recent wording of an event I was doing. I was very upset when I received this email as I had not intended to upset this person at all, and had instead used them as inspiration for something I was planning. I made a mistake, even with good intentions. And all of a sudden negative voices and emotions I hadn't heard in awhile got activated BIG TIME. My monster as Sue Jones would call it, was having a field day. Will this person forgive me? I never make mistakes! But my intentions were good! I don't want to admit I'm wrong! I don't want to take responsibility! How can I make this right? How can I sweep this under the rug? I want to be liked/loved!
I didn't want to admit that I hadn't taken into consideration all the hard work this person had done to develop their workshop. I didn't want to admit that I had acted hastily because I felt under pressure to do more since I'd had a recent change in my financial situation and was feeling stressed. I didn't want to acknowledge that I hadn't done enough of my own work to get the wording of the workshop to come from my authentic voice.
The old me would have taken this pile of crap and tried to manipulate it or throw it back into the faces of those I suspected had dealt it. I would blame and not accept responsibility. The old me would not have looked at this as an opportunity for growth and instead looked at it as another mistake I'd made and I'd make sure I felt guilty and ashamed about it. I would have cleaned this pile of crap up, but messily.
Instead I cleaned up this literal pile of crap with not too much complaint or frowning (ok, just a little - it did stink!) I emailed the person I had upset and apologized, accepting responsibility and chose to grow from the situation, and hold my head up high. So I ask you, what do you do when life hands you a pile of crap?
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Belonging
This past weekend was the graduation of the 2010-2011 South Boston Yoga teacher trainees. It was a weekend of joy, of celebration, and sadness over the end of what was an amazing 7 months. I was more excited than sad because I had seen the unveiling of these 50 or so individuals over the course of these 7 months. They learned to choose freedom first, and with that they will shine wherever they go. I also knew that because of this time we spent together, they belonged to me, and I belonged to them. I witnessed their process and for that I am forever grateful because it changed me as well. The time we spent together formed a connection, and I truly believe we will feel like we've come home, like we belong, whenever we see each other again.
All of that being said, I think it's easy to lose this sense of belonging as years past, as our lives change, and we start to forget and feel lost. We question whether we are where we are supposed to be, perhaps with the person we are supposed to be with, or doing the job we're supposed to be doing. We forget that until we feel we have a place where we are, we will not have a place anywhere. Until we feel we belong where we are, we will not belong anywhere.
So much time is spent resisting where we are, looking forward or looking back, wanting and desiring more. I am not saying that if you're in a suck your spirit dry job or loveless relationship that that is where you belong, but in a sense, if you are there, you need to take a closer look before you can move forward. You need to understand what part of you feels it belongs there and often when you take a look, you realize that part of you isn't working anymore, and then you can move on.
When I moved to MA, I moved here for a boy. I was dating someone in college, we graduated, and he and his family lived here. I decided to come even though I had doubts. It was where I belonged. The relationship ended soon after moving here and I was left with no car, no apt, very little money, and no friends. Where did I belong now? I thought about packing it all in and moving back to NY to live with my parents and in a town I did not want to be in. I knew that was not what I wanted and I knew that was not where I belonged. I got into therapy, I got a car, learned to drive stick, got an apt with roommates, and got into yoga. I found peace within myself and belonging there.
It feels like it's not an easy task to belong because we put up walls as to why we can't connect with this person, or do this job, or live in this place, etc etc If there were no walls, it would be easy to belong anywhere, because you are at home with YOURSELF. If we keep running away, we won't belong whether we are single, married or divorced, in our dream job or a job we loathe, living in sunny California or snowy Boston. Belong where you are before you can belong anywhere.
All of that being said, I think it's easy to lose this sense of belonging as years past, as our lives change, and we start to forget and feel lost. We question whether we are where we are supposed to be, perhaps with the person we are supposed to be with, or doing the job we're supposed to be doing. We forget that until we feel we have a place where we are, we will not have a place anywhere. Until we feel we belong where we are, we will not belong anywhere.
So much time is spent resisting where we are, looking forward or looking back, wanting and desiring more. I am not saying that if you're in a suck your spirit dry job or loveless relationship that that is where you belong, but in a sense, if you are there, you need to take a closer look before you can move forward. You need to understand what part of you feels it belongs there and often when you take a look, you realize that part of you isn't working anymore, and then you can move on.
When I moved to MA, I moved here for a boy. I was dating someone in college, we graduated, and he and his family lived here. I decided to come even though I had doubts. It was where I belonged. The relationship ended soon after moving here and I was left with no car, no apt, very little money, and no friends. Where did I belong now? I thought about packing it all in and moving back to NY to live with my parents and in a town I did not want to be in. I knew that was not what I wanted and I knew that was not where I belonged. I got into therapy, I got a car, learned to drive stick, got an apt with roommates, and got into yoga. I found peace within myself and belonging there.
It feels like it's not an easy task to belong because we put up walls as to why we can't connect with this person, or do this job, or live in this place, etc etc If there were no walls, it would be easy to belong anywhere, because you are at home with YOURSELF. If we keep running away, we won't belong whether we are single, married or divorced, in our dream job or a job we loathe, living in sunny California or snowy Boston. Belong where you are before you can belong anywhere.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Ripple Effect
Ah... sunshine, warm breezes, t-shirts and open windows. It's happening. Can you feel it? Spring is a time to put out the trash so to speak and welcome in the new. It's ironic that we make resolutions and set intentions in January when most of us just want to hibernate. Our energy usually isn't about creating anything new, but just surviving. Spring is often the time of new relationships, the whole love is in the air effect. And sometimes spring is the end of old ones as we feel that energy to get rid of what's not working. A spring clean.
I was sitting outside this past week on a Thursday afternoon. This is a busy day for me, as I teach 4 classes. I get a break in the middle of the day and while I used to drive back home to the studio after my noon class for lunch, I often hang around. A friend treated me to lunch, a nice surprise, and then I took a drive looking for a park. I ended up parking in Dedham town center and walking along the river. I found a somewhat quiet spot - quiet enough. It was just me there. I closed my eyes, took in the sunshine for a bit, listened to chatter of kids nearby walking home from school, birds chirping. I decided to throw some rocks into the water, and began to watch the ripples move in the water. It was interesting to see how the rock made a splash upon impact in the water but it was the ripple that continued on indefinitely - until I couldn't tell if it was there or not anymore as much as I tried to follow it with my eyes. And nature once again became my teacher.
Our thoughts and actions are like that initial stone. We simply think a thought, maybe speak a thought, and it has an effect on our energy, those we come in contact with. The same goes for our actions. This ripple carries on indefinitely, so that our initial thought or action is affecting dozens, hundreds, thousands... we have no idea if there is a limit or where it would be. Imagine if you made this a positive thought or action. Imagine if it was a negative thought or action. It's very easy to get caught up in our own lives, our own drama, our own bubbles and not consider this ripple effect. All you need to do is drop a stone into the water to be reminded of how powerful and influential a being you are.
I was sitting outside this past week on a Thursday afternoon. This is a busy day for me, as I teach 4 classes. I get a break in the middle of the day and while I used to drive back home to the studio after my noon class for lunch, I often hang around. A friend treated me to lunch, a nice surprise, and then I took a drive looking for a park. I ended up parking in Dedham town center and walking along the river. I found a somewhat quiet spot - quiet enough. It was just me there. I closed my eyes, took in the sunshine for a bit, listened to chatter of kids nearby walking home from school, birds chirping. I decided to throw some rocks into the water, and began to watch the ripples move in the water. It was interesting to see how the rock made a splash upon impact in the water but it was the ripple that continued on indefinitely - until I couldn't tell if it was there or not anymore as much as I tried to follow it with my eyes. And nature once again became my teacher.
Our thoughts and actions are like that initial stone. We simply think a thought, maybe speak a thought, and it has an effect on our energy, those we come in contact with. The same goes for our actions. This ripple carries on indefinitely, so that our initial thought or action is affecting dozens, hundreds, thousands... we have no idea if there is a limit or where it would be. Imagine if you made this a positive thought or action. Imagine if it was a negative thought or action. It's very easy to get caught up in our own lives, our own drama, our own bubbles and not consider this ripple effect. All you need to do is drop a stone into the water to be reminded of how powerful and influential a being you are.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Detox with Stillness
It's March and finally we can see the grounds and sidewalks again. It's a muddy, dirty and often hilarious mess. I've found not only the Christmas tree we placed out before one of our many storms between Dec. 26 and early Feb, but a hairdryer and small fan in our melted snowbank. I look at this mess and I think DETOX. Yard needs to be picked up, branches cleared, sidewalks cleaned and soon we will see green grass growing, flowers and trees blooming, people walking about. This detox applies to us as well. During the winter we hibernate, we plant seeds for our spring growth and hopefully do some internal work for what is to bloom. Sometimes more often than not, we're eating heavy foods, being lazy and watching episode after episode of Grey's Anatomy on our couch - myself included.
One thing I made a routine this winter, in addition to keeping up with my yoga practice, was a meditation practice. I started taking class once or twice a week at South Boston Yoga and attempted to add in some time during the week at home. I began this because I found during my meditation class when I sat for 30 to 45 min that my mind was going in all kinds of directions. It made me realize that if it was doing this while I was still, it must also be doing it while I was moving around, even during my yoga practice, and that I was never truly PRESENT. This was scary to me, in the sense I didn't want to live my life that way. I wanted to fully show up for my students, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, etc.
There was a great article on Elephant Journal recently http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/03/why-yogis-dont-meditate/ which talked about why yogis don't have a regular meditation practice. I admit I was one of these yogis. The only times I've been able to commit to a regular practice is with a teacher - first years ago with a Buddhist monk at the Concord Buddhist Center and now at South Boston Yoga. I kept telling myself before my regular practice that I didn't need to sit to meditate - I'd meditate while practicing, teaching, doing the dishes, etc. Some of this was true. I have found that teaching is one of the places I am truly in the moment - most days :) But within my yoga practice it depended on the teacher. If I was with a teacher who encouraged rest and doing what worked for me, I could get out of my head. If I was a teacher who was tougher, more vigorous, I became competitive. And in my daily life, I was a horrible listener with friends and family, often stuck in my head, zoning out.
It's a practice, but I find I am able to listen better, to look people in the eye, to HEAR them and to notice when I am not. I am able to be there for my students more, and for myself in my own practice. I take challenging classes and teachers and modify, rest as I need to. I am not fully present all the time, but I am calmer, able to be ok with stillness and not just filling space with endless chatter. I am even considering a 10 day silent meditation this June. http://www.dhara.dhamma.org/ns/ My meditation teacher recommended it to me recently and my first reaction was completely from my head "what? me? are you sure?" I was in total fear. He reassured me and then I thought more about it, and said, why not? What better way to detox than to be with myself in the most intimate format? I was telling one of my students about it and he said "Heck no! I'd go crazy." I'm not saying this type of retreat would be right for everyone - some people need to talk it out. For many of us though, we've talked it out until we are blue in the face and sometimes we still play out old patterns or are still unhappy. If you think you'd go crazy, more reason to do it, right? That's how I see it. My meditation teacher said it would take my teaching to the next level, as well as my relationship with myself and others, and I have no doubt he's right. Deep down, it feels like just what I need over any kind of yoga workshop or teacher training. Don't get me wrong - I love to study with my favorite yoga teachers and new ones and learn new ways to approach my practice, but I don't feel it will give me right now the kind of transformation I am seeking.
Meditation has been the detox I have needed. Detoxing with stillness has led to more insight into the nature of my mind - the restrictions and holds I place on myself and others based on fear, where my mind likes to roam to escape (fantasy, daydreams about future) and it's shown me in terms of my body how things work or don't work. It's also give me a great gift - stillness, nothing, emptiness. I have felt it here and there in my meditation practice and it's incredible to know that exists for me, that I can rest in it and feel love and joy, instead of fear. I make healthier choices all around. My Meditation practice won't take me out of this world, as I've heard many anti-meditation folks speak about, but it will allow me to live more fully in it.
One thing I made a routine this winter, in addition to keeping up with my yoga practice, was a meditation practice. I started taking class once or twice a week at South Boston Yoga and attempted to add in some time during the week at home. I began this because I found during my meditation class when I sat for 30 to 45 min that my mind was going in all kinds of directions. It made me realize that if it was doing this while I was still, it must also be doing it while I was moving around, even during my yoga practice, and that I was never truly PRESENT. This was scary to me, in the sense I didn't want to live my life that way. I wanted to fully show up for my students, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, etc.
There was a great article on Elephant Journal recently http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/03/why-yogis-dont-meditate/ which talked about why yogis don't have a regular meditation practice. I admit I was one of these yogis. The only times I've been able to commit to a regular practice is with a teacher - first years ago with a Buddhist monk at the Concord Buddhist Center and now at South Boston Yoga. I kept telling myself before my regular practice that I didn't need to sit to meditate - I'd meditate while practicing, teaching, doing the dishes, etc. Some of this was true. I have found that teaching is one of the places I am truly in the moment - most days :) But within my yoga practice it depended on the teacher. If I was with a teacher who encouraged rest and doing what worked for me, I could get out of my head. If I was a teacher who was tougher, more vigorous, I became competitive. And in my daily life, I was a horrible listener with friends and family, often stuck in my head, zoning out.
It's a practice, but I find I am able to listen better, to look people in the eye, to HEAR them and to notice when I am not. I am able to be there for my students more, and for myself in my own practice. I take challenging classes and teachers and modify, rest as I need to. I am not fully present all the time, but I am calmer, able to be ok with stillness and not just filling space with endless chatter. I am even considering a 10 day silent meditation this June. http://www.dhara.dhamma.org/ns/ My meditation teacher recommended it to me recently and my first reaction was completely from my head "what? me? are you sure?" I was in total fear. He reassured me and then I thought more about it, and said, why not? What better way to detox than to be with myself in the most intimate format? I was telling one of my students about it and he said "Heck no! I'd go crazy." I'm not saying this type of retreat would be right for everyone - some people need to talk it out. For many of us though, we've talked it out until we are blue in the face and sometimes we still play out old patterns or are still unhappy. If you think you'd go crazy, more reason to do it, right? That's how I see it. My meditation teacher said it would take my teaching to the next level, as well as my relationship with myself and others, and I have no doubt he's right. Deep down, it feels like just what I need over any kind of yoga workshop or teacher training. Don't get me wrong - I love to study with my favorite yoga teachers and new ones and learn new ways to approach my practice, but I don't feel it will give me right now the kind of transformation I am seeking.
Meditation has been the detox I have needed. Detoxing with stillness has led to more insight into the nature of my mind - the restrictions and holds I place on myself and others based on fear, where my mind likes to roam to escape (fantasy, daydreams about future) and it's shown me in terms of my body how things work or don't work. It's also give me a great gift - stillness, nothing, emptiness. I have felt it here and there in my meditation practice and it's incredible to know that exists for me, that I can rest in it and feel love and joy, instead of fear. I make healthier choices all around. My Meditation practice won't take me out of this world, as I've heard many anti-meditation folks speak about, but it will allow me to live more fully in it.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Recognizing my mind, choosing my words
I have been trying to start a regular meditation practice this year. So far it has mainly been a class or two a week at South Boston Yoga where I sit for 30 to 45 min and on a good day actually feel myself slipping in so to speak to basically nothing - and nothing feels real spacious! Often though it's watching my mind and seeing how it gets pulled in one direction so easily and then I'm on a downward spiral. Thinking about what I want for breakfast, and that leading to the pancakes I had at my favorite diner, and then how that diner has a restaurant that serves dinner and how I should really try that sometime, and so on and so on. Exhausting! I believe that being aware of all the doings of my mind is a good first step. I also admit it's kinda fun to indulge my mind when I feel like it and day dream, fantasize, go off on these tangents. All of that though leads to suffering because attachment develops and a fantasy is just that - a fantasy. It has nothing to do with reality, what's happening right now. I've noticed that I like to fantasize, I like to day dream. This is something I've done since I was a kid. As a kid I was doing it mainly because the life I was in I wasn't too happy with. I had parents who at that time fought constantly. My house was not a fun place to be so I'd pour myself into books and go day dream of what my life would be like someday. I'm lucky enough now to be living a life I love. I get to practice and teach yoga, and surround myself with people who are loving and supportive. I have the relationship with my boyfriend I've always dreamed about but never thought I could have. My mind will tell me that my life is not enough some days, that I need more, or worse that it's going to fail. And what my mind comes up with a lot lately is that I am not connecting outside of my teaching and yoga community. I've been watching this pattern and what I notice is it happens when I am feeling fearful, when I am caught up in my story of how I think I should be, or what a relationship should look like. It doesn't happen when I am just in the moment enjoying whatever that may hold. My lack of connection in those moments when I am caught in my head comes from being disconnected myself, from anything that I already have. Isn't that crazy? Here I am feeling disconnected, talking about disconnection and it's all happening while I am not even involved in the present moment, just following a fear and story in my head. One of my biggest problems has always been when my mind is running rampant to want to blame someone else for it. To want someone else to say something, to do something to fix it. It doesn't work that way. I am learning to speak up in the moment if something is disagreeable in a non-confrontational way rather than shove it down, and let my mind have a field day with it until I blow. If I come home and Josh is playing video games and I want to unwind with him and do something else, say "hey babe, mind if I put on some music? It's been a long day. or hey babe, wanna watch some grey's?" instead of "have you been playing video games all day? why is it so loud?" etc etc I'm at a place where I am very aware of the patterns of my mind, and where it goes when I am afraid, insecure, etc I am still working on being able to choose my words in those moments, to speak with honesty, truth and from my heart. I think the more I can try to do this, the downward spiral won't happen so much, and those moments I am feeling disconnected, will go to being connected instantly when I honor my truth.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Intention high, Expectation Low
I taught an arm balance workshop this past Sunday and talked about the difference between intention and expectation before class. I think this is something that we confuse all the time, and it leads to a feeling of disappointment and sense of failure in our practice, and our lives. I thought this lesson was a good one to discuss before arm balancing because so many of us look at success in terms of getting the full posture - our crow, side crow, scissors, flying pigeon, etc We do not look at the important steps required to get into the full posture and feel a sense of accomplishment at working with those steps. I believe this is also how many of us approach our lives. We are hard on ourselves and others to do a certain thing, or attain something in our work lives or relationships. We become disappointed when we do not complete the task or the other person does not, and we feel like a failure or call them a failure. This is because with expectation comes attachment. When we expect something of ourselves or others, we are attached to an outcome. It is an outcome we've already planned out in our minds. This outcome is something that is in our minds, devoid of the present situation we are in, our present state. We leave no room for possibility. For example, you expect the man or woman of your dreams to be this height, have this job, like these things, etc etc You create what is truly a fantasy in your mind and then when the person walks in who is loving you for you, you can't see them because you're caught up with your imaginary person. And then possibility, a moment, is lost. Pretty sad, huh? So here is how intention works. With intention, we do not have an attachment to a desired outcome or result. We are open to possibility, to what form our intention may take. It means connecting to what you desire or want, and then letting it go. It involves trusting that the universe will bring to you what is for your highest good without you having to search hell and high water to find it, to create it. It takes the control out of our hands and allows us to simply be. We don't like this feeling because it causes us to wonder what our purpose is if we are not controlling and creating in our minds exactly how we want things to be. Imagine how much more space for creativity, for expression for POSSIBILITY would exist if you were not holding on so tight to expectation and attachment! Your life would be filled with freedom, with excitement, with joy. Intend the kind of person you want to be, intend the work you want to do, the relationships you want to have - let it come from your heart and not any preconceived notions of who you think you should be or who someone else tells you you should be. Let YOU define YOU. That is what intention is all about, and which expectation has no business being a part of.
Monday, January 31, 2011
The Weary Kind
It's the evening before another foot to 2 feet of snow and wintry mix fall on the Boston area. I am getting weary. I think it's snowed every week like clockwork since Christmas. And we're not talking storms that bring a dusting... we're talking storms that bring inches or feet. This began as the first winter in a long time that I've been feeling good about, excited about. I couldn't wait for it to snow. And now, well enough is enough! It's cozy and nurturing and all kinds of yummy goodness when you can stay in. When you have to drive in it, when you have no place to put the snow - the fun begins to end. The weary feeling starts to set in. Weariness at just hearing about another storm without even having to shovel yet.
I was feeling this as I went to yoga this AM to take class. I was running late and looking for parking in Southie on Foundry St. Many of the available parking spaces are covered in snow or ice since many folks don't move their cars and they just don't plow very well there. I found a space and knew as I pulled into it I was on ice. Tried to back out and spun my wheels smelling burning rubber for a few moments. I decided to let it be and head in to take class and then teach afterward. What could I do at that moment by keeping those wheels spinning except create more suffering for myself? I came out early afternoon and couldn't move my car - still stuck. I walked to the apartment building near there and asked for help. A young guy came out and threw some ice melt down, and moved my car out of the spot for me. I went to the store on my way home, got some ice melt, and threw it in my car. Lesson learned and so grateful for the kindness of strangers!
Winter really seems to bring our community together. People are often helpful because we're all in this together. That's a nice feeling isn't it? Community reminds me of the importance of asking for help. It's easy to do that with our loved ones, and other community of people (friends, work etc) that we trust and see all the time. It's harder to do with our larger community, the Boston community, the MA Community, the USA community, the World community. We forget our humanity. I'm just so happy it all exists. I am not alone. And I don't feel so weary anymore.
Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind
You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this dont feel like home anymore
And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same
Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesnt forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside
And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your lovers wont kiss
Its too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world
Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind
- Ryan Bingham from Crazy Heart Soundtrack
I was feeling this as I went to yoga this AM to take class. I was running late and looking for parking in Southie on Foundry St. Many of the available parking spaces are covered in snow or ice since many folks don't move their cars and they just don't plow very well there. I found a space and knew as I pulled into it I was on ice. Tried to back out and spun my wheels smelling burning rubber for a few moments. I decided to let it be and head in to take class and then teach afterward. What could I do at that moment by keeping those wheels spinning except create more suffering for myself? I came out early afternoon and couldn't move my car - still stuck. I walked to the apartment building near there and asked for help. A young guy came out and threw some ice melt down, and moved my car out of the spot for me. I went to the store on my way home, got some ice melt, and threw it in my car. Lesson learned and so grateful for the kindness of strangers!
Winter really seems to bring our community together. People are often helpful because we're all in this together. That's a nice feeling isn't it? Community reminds me of the importance of asking for help. It's easy to do that with our loved ones, and other community of people (friends, work etc) that we trust and see all the time. It's harder to do with our larger community, the Boston community, the MA Community, the USA community, the World community. We forget our humanity. I'm just so happy it all exists. I am not alone. And I don't feel so weary anymore.
Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind
You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this dont feel like home anymore
And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same
Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesnt forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside
And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try
Your lovers wont kiss
Its too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world
Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind
- Ryan Bingham from Crazy Heart Soundtrack
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
A Year of Firsts
We are almost a month into 2011 and I am amazed at how positive and upbeat I am feeling about this year already. I went into the new year deciding to support my highest good, and within each moment, listening to what I needed or wanted. This is something I've always convinced myself I'm good at because I am such an intuitive person, but being intuitive doesn't mean you necessarily listen to what your intuition tells you :) That was my AH HA moment. I've realized I've been much more comfortable just going along with the flow, and often not speaking up when I needed to or should - and even when I knew what I needed at that moment.
So I started the new year out with yoga. I breathed, I sweat, I meditated, I chanted.... I celebrated community and the joy of being in this body, in this human experience, with about 100 other folks. It was amazing, and cultivated positive energy that has supported me thus far. It was a first for me. The first time I did not ring in the new year drunk. The first time I said what I was going to do without waiting to see what others had planned. The first time I didn't do the traditional new years kiss with my boyfriend. The first time I chose to spend new years without him. Leading up to this empowering choice of mine, I was freaking out. I was agonizing over choosing something I wanted and wondering what others thought of me. And you know what? The world didn't end, my boyfriend and my friends were still there the next day, some of my friends even came out that night to practice yoga. Through it all I started to understand that I actually have what I've always wanted - loving and supporting relationships. That I have become the women I've wanted to be - a woman who makes her own choices. It's allowed me to trust what I have - relationships, work, etc so much more and to just not question like I did. It's led to more firsts - making almost an entire dinner by myself for my boyfriend and I with recipes I chose, marketing myself more because I believe in my teaching and feel my students and friends want to hear what I'm doing, what to know what I'm thinking, hence this blog. Replacing fear with optimism and enthusiasm is quite liberating.
So I started the new year out with yoga. I breathed, I sweat, I meditated, I chanted.... I celebrated community and the joy of being in this body, in this human experience, with about 100 other folks. It was amazing, and cultivated positive energy that has supported me thus far. It was a first for me. The first time I did not ring in the new year drunk. The first time I said what I was going to do without waiting to see what others had planned. The first time I didn't do the traditional new years kiss with my boyfriend. The first time I chose to spend new years without him. Leading up to this empowering choice of mine, I was freaking out. I was agonizing over choosing something I wanted and wondering what others thought of me. And you know what? The world didn't end, my boyfriend and my friends were still there the next day, some of my friends even came out that night to practice yoga. Through it all I started to understand that I actually have what I've always wanted - loving and supporting relationships. That I have become the women I've wanted to be - a woman who makes her own choices. It's allowed me to trust what I have - relationships, work, etc so much more and to just not question like I did. It's led to more firsts - making almost an entire dinner by myself for my boyfriend and I with recipes I chose, marketing myself more because I believe in my teaching and feel my students and friends want to hear what I'm doing, what to know what I'm thinking, hence this blog. Replacing fear with optimism and enthusiasm is quite liberating.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)