Monday, March 15, 2010

2010.. the year of no expectations

You'll have to excuse me for all of my posts today. I am shutting down my website and just using blogger and my monthly newsletter and facebook to keep in touch, so I wanted to archive my old blog posts on here, but somehow I can't seem to change the date to 2009. Maybe I'll figure that out as I learn blogger more :)

I have had a great three months of the new year already. Can you believe we're already about 3 months in? I've traveled to Kripalu for the first time to study with David Vendetti and Todd Skolgund, I've begun practicing at South Boston Yoga much more, and I've started a daily yoga practice (30 days in TODAY). Not bad huh? And through it all I'm learning that one of my lessons this year is no expectations. I was always someone who put high expectations on myself, but often higher expectations of those closest to me. This made me very competitive, a perfectionist, control freak and quite demanding. Through my practice of yoga, and also perhaps the wisdom that comes as you get older, I have loosened those expecations on myself significantly. I know my strengths, I know my limitations, I know when I can push harder, and I know when I have to let go. That doesn't mean I still don't feel insecurities as to whether I'm doing my "jobs" well - as a yoga teacher, volunteer coordinator at yogahope, girlfriend, daughter, friend, etc I've realized when I worry less about these roles and more about just being me as much as I can I know I'll be doing my best.

The issue I've often had is dropping these expectations for others, particularly those I am closest to. I still am demanding at times, and finding myself disappointed and frustrated. I am the creator of my own suffering. The more I am present to what I am doing I start to realize how unfair it is of me to expect of others what I do not expect of myself. They are not robots and are human like me, and carry their own stresses and are sometimes distracted, in their head, tired, or just not feeling like their usual self. The ones I love the most give me the space to just be me, in whatever capacity that is for my current moment and situation, so shouldn't I do the same? I noticed in those moments when I have I receive more. When I am not expecting, I can see all around me, instead of just the wall in front of me. I am more aware, and have less tunnel vision. This allows me to be open to receiving. If I am not open, the universe will not send such gifts to me. I am understanding this lesson slowly and hoping to live it in 2010.

Stop seeking and receive

Wow, my last post was intense huh? Well, I’m happy to say I’ve definitely moved through some stuff into a place where I’m more grounded and confident and just simply, ok with me. I don’t think those old feelings of being unlovable and not good enough are completely gone (they’ve made their presence known here and there, and sometimes they are REALLY hard to resist) but I’m in a place now where the future is not as big a concern as it was. I used to constantly think about what’s next, having a goal in mind to keep my focus. Now, I’m happy with what is. I’m in the moment more, not striving toward one thing, but receiving blessings. I notice in this new place my mind can act up more from time to time because nothing is happening… or so it seems. The mind wants to seek out constantly instead of trusting that what is meant to come to you, will come. So my mind will get restless, and that’s when those old feelings will come up and I’ll focus on the negative. My lesson when that happens is to stop and remember where I am, what I have, and those thoughts will stop. It doesn’t always work, but more often than not. For example…. today I was in the shower, doing my thing, and I happened to notice something written on the bathroom window, that showed up as the window fogged up. It said “I love you” It brought the biggest smile to my face you can imagine. Josh had told me he’d written it there days ago but I just saw it today… you know why? Because I wasn’t seeking it out. When I seek it out, it doesn’t come. But when I let things be, those words and actions of love, and blessings abound. Truly something to remember as we move into the Holiday season and a time where people tend to expect and seek. How about you let go a little more and just see what gifts you will receive?

Something is happening, but I don't know what

I’m prompted to write after 2 weeks that have kind of blown me away and left me feeling something is happening, but I don’t know exactly what it is. I gave my first private reiki treatment on Sept. 18 and after that treatment something changed. I suddenly felt a new energy or rather an old one that hadn’t left me. I was angrier, more lonely, sad, frustrated… and I began to take it out on the one closest to me. Now you’d think a yogi would know not to do that, but I was hit so suddenly with these old emotions I had thought had left, but apparently made a come back. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my bad relationships when I felt this way all the time. I got out of that, into a great relationship, a place where I’m very happy in my life, yet all of a sudden it seems lost. I feel helpless and sometimes hopeless. I’m making mistakes and screwing up left and right. I’m acting very selfishly, which I’ve always been selfish, but not this bad. I feel almost like I’m possessed and something is fighting to get out and sometimes it does in fits of crying and yelling. It’s exhausting.

I’ve been trying to tap in with all this energy and see what it’s trying to tell me, to figure out what is happening. The only conclusion I have come to is the death of my old self, the birth of a new self. I don’t follow astrology exclusively but all my horoscopes keep saying I’m missing out on how wonderful and amazing I truly am. That I have so much to offer. I always thought I believed that but I think I’m realizing that way way way deep down, I don’t. I’ve always felt unlovable and not good enough. That’s what’s fighting to get out. The only thing I can hope is that it’s fighting because it knows it’s dying. This energy knows I won’t accept that for long, that I too will be strong again. And that I too will realize my worth. For real this time. I think it’s all coming out now as I approach my 30th birthday, as my boyfriend finally puts the last of his past behind him with the selling of his house from his divorce, and this leaves me with a future. A real future. And I think this is happening now so I can be strong and ready for it. Cause that old energy, it won’t stand up, heck it won’t even come close to giving me the future I can see. It’s like here I am in the now with one leg still clinging on in the past, and another stepping into the future, and I’m being torn to bits in the middle. I have to understand how to pick up that other foot and move it ahead. That is what I am calling out to the universe to show me and I need to prepare myself to receive. I know it won’t come until I am ready to receive it. So here’s to making that happen.

Oh well: My new coin phrase

I’ve really let this blog thing go. I am more lazy by nature, but I think it’s simply that I haven’t had much to say. And that’s okay. Today though, prompted me to write again. Though it really began yesterday.

I decided to have a day of “getting things done” yesterday which included scheduling my annual exam with my OBGYN and finding out if I have another eye exam covered under insurance or do I have to wait another year, scheduling an oil change for my car, and calling the IRS to figure out why they only credited me $95 on a recent payment of $200 I made and what’s up with all the interest and penalties they’ve charged me.

OBGYN visit scheduled for next January (yes, this woman books out that much in advance, good lord), no eye exam coverage till 2010 (every two year thing, luckily my eyes don’t change much), oil change for next Tuesday (though they wanted me to do some $300 general maintenance thing , the things you don’t really need but kinda need and the dealers will push for it) and then there was the IRS. It turns out the rest of my recent payment went to a $105 fee to set up an installment agreement in order to pay some taxes I owed in 2008. I didn’t owe a ton, but I couldn’t pay it at once. So I thought I was being a good citizen setting up this agreement to pay them monthly until I was done. This agreement has resulted in this $105 fee, plus interest, and a penalities for not paying it on time in the first place. I did not yell at the lady who works for the IRS on the phone. I could tell she was almost expecting me to yell at her – I could feel her hesitation as she gave me that information, waiting for me to say something nasty back, the icyness in her voice… but I didn’t. I thanked her for her time and hung up. Now I was angry, but I said to myself “Oh well” Nothing I can do about that, and she’s right, I didn’t pay the remaining balance in April. Then I proceeded to make myself a yummy lunch and carry on with my day.

Today I was scheduled to have a massage with Mary, my massage therapist and friend who is extraordinary. I was looking forward to it all week, last night as I finished a busy teaching day, and this morning when I woke up and felt a sore body from a big road trip not too long ago where we were in the car for 15 hours a day, not to mention from a week of getting back into my regular yoga practice, and regular schedule of teaching. I take yoga this morning and afterward get ready to head down to Foxborough. The drive to see Mary once a month takes me about 45 minutes, and with this construction on 95S, sometimes longer, but she is totally worth it. Today is gorgeous if you haven’t noticed already, and I cruise along to Foxborough, sun on my face, wind in my hair. I get there and she’s running late, and when she comes out she told me a fuse blew while she was in the middle of a massage with the previous client. I can see she’s a bit stressed about this. She asked me if I can wait while she calls the landlord. She comes back telling me the landlord wants her to shut down everything (all the electric) for a bit and then turn it back on. Mary is clearly out of her element with this one, as would I be! She asks me so politely and nicely if I could come back tomorrow after I teach, and I without hesitation say of course. She says it just wouldn’t be the kind of massage she’d want to give to me, because she’s a bit stressed about the situation, and I can’t help but love her sincerity and dedication to her work. I say again “Oh well” and get in my car and drive back home.

I’ve learned that the greatest happiness comes in being able to say “Oh well” when those things come up in life that truly suck, but you have no control over them. You say “Oh well” with a smile on your face and you go about your day, letting that moment slip away. Once whatever crappy thing that has happened to us is done, there’s nothing we can do to make the event not happen. The best we can do is make a choice to not let it affect our future moments. Just try it… the next time someone cuts you off “Oh well” the next time the cat or dog pukes on the floor “Oh well” you go to yoga and your favorite yoga teacher couldn’t make it last minute and there’s a sub you’ve never heard of before “Oh well” You just might feel lighter, and more joyful, and shine a more radiant light to those around you!

The beauty of not trying so hard

Lately I’ve been realizing the beauty of not trying so hard. It’s something I’ve realized in other areas of my life for awhile now, but it’s shifting into my intimate relationships for what seems to be the first time.

There was a time when I tried hard to succeed at everything, anything I did. I would only surround myself with those things I knew I could succeed at – school when I was younger, and the competitive sport of rowing. In college, it wasn’t so much the school thing but I knew I could succeed at being the girl who was the biggest partier around, always ready for fun in whatever form that consisted of – there weren’t many limits to how far I’d go to have the laughs and amusement of others. I took up running after college and went so far to complete a marathon to convince myself I could succeed at that too. When yoga came into my life after this time, I even tried to convince myself I was succeeding at that too. Slowly, through my practice, I realized the only thing I was succeeding in was creating my own suffering. By trying so hard to please everyone, to make eveything right, to fix everything, to succeed without even knowing what I was moving toward, I was creating a person who was angry and very lost.

I think I’ve stopped trying so hard when it comes to certain areas I used to deem success – career, money, right clothes, look, etc and that’s allowed me to focus more on me and what brings me joy in this world. I know I want to grow as a yoga teacher but I know that it’s something I don’t have to try too hard for because as long as I am dedicated to my practice, I will grow as a teacher as well.

Intimate relationships, sharing love with another, was always the area I tried the most at – and the one I always failed at. I’m finally in a relationship that brings me joy beyond any words can really say – the kind of joy where you want to wipe the glass to make sure that person you see in it with a huge freaking grin on their face is really you. And yes, it really is you! And yes, you’ve had that grin for months now, and yes the feeling of joy just keeps growing! And that is when my fear comes in of losing it all and then I start trying too hard to hang on to that feeling of joy, to that person that has helped bring it into my life, and this only results in tears, frustration and conflict. I am starting to realize when I can let go of my grip and trust I can be grounded in this joy everything flows, the relationship grows, I still have that big grin and I don’t have frustration tears or conflict.

The things that bring the most beauty in this life can’t be forced. They are delicate, they are soft and the only way we can enjoy them is to be IN them. To truly be IN them.

The strength of community

This past weekend I learned of the death of a fellow yoga teacher in the Boston community, Gabriel Feld. I did not know Gabriel personally, but I felt a deep sadness of learning of his death, especially at the young age of 24. As I talked with my fellow yogis, those who teach and practice, I began to learn a bit more about Gabriel and how much he was loved and respected in the Boston yoga community. I found that there were many of us who didn’t know him but also felt deeply connected and saddened by his death. As more of the story unfolded, I learned that his death was a suicide. It was a shock to me to know that someone who was so loved and supported in this community would take his own life, and leave his family and friends wondering why. Yet the more I have sat with this sadness I know and understand that his suffering was my own. Whatever darkness he felt I have felt too. My good friend Heather told me that as yogis we are much more intuitive and connected with ourselves, so this includes the darker more hidden aspects of our lives and personalities. I think we can get overwhelmed by this understanding (I know I do) and sometimes feel alone. But as soon as I talk to my yogi friends, step on my mat to practice or simply teach I understand that my experience is my students experience, my friends experience…. We all have the same fears. I didn’t know Gabriel well enough to speculate on what he was thinking in those final moments, but I do know that he wasn’t alone. And perhaps that’s what we can all learn from. We are spreaders of love and light but that is not all we carry. We carry our own suffering and that too can be shared.

Out with the old, in with the new

Lately I’ve been noticing something about my yoga practice. My left hip and hamstring are slightly tighter than my right. This is a new development. When I first started yoga, it was always the right. I attribute being tighter on the right to being in a competitive mindset when it came to yoga, or much of anything in my life. I was harder, more agressive, not as kind to myself. It seems things have shifted. I can feel that competitiveness is long gone. It’s not important anymore. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve began to love myself much more deeply and therefore am able to love others that way too. I think the reason I’ve been tighter on the left recently is that this love is so great, so deep, I am not very grounded in it yet. It is overwhelming at times and hard for me to fully accept and be in. Love for myself, love for Josh, love for my students and my friends and sometimes when I’m truly open, every person I meet. So even though I am not grounded in this feeling yet, and it can be unsettling, I’d much rather be in this place. I’d much rather have the ability to love this deeply rather than be back where I was hard, on edge, and in a lot of pain. It’s a good change, and I look forward to seeing where it takes me.

Roll with it

Yesterday I was looking forward to taking yoga at my usual Monday spot, noontime with Jene. I had stuffed myself silly on Easter with pasta and garlic bread, more so than any kind of chocolate candy. I needed to sweat out the carb bloat. About 15 minutes before class Jene called me and informed me she was way too sick to make it too class – a last minute can’t leave the bathroom kind of sick. She asked if I could teach and I didn’t hesitate to say yes. We’ve all been there with that kind of sickness right? It’s awful. Now I knew Jene was a popular teacher and people weren’t going to be too happy that she wasn’t teaching. They come just for her class. And add to that the humidity wasn’t working either. You have some grouchy yogis. I walked in around 12 and informed them there was a change of plans. The daggers immediately came out. Now when that happens I can have two reactions – fight back with indifference, negativity, anger (ie if they are going to be nasty, I’ll be nasty back) or try to diffuse that energy with my own grounding, accepting, take it as it comes kind of energy. I told them all this could be great real life yoga practice for them. Taking the unexpected and dealing with it head on instead of resisting and creating more suffering. And you know, they did a good job taking an unexpected situation and turning it into a positive one. The energy shifted from daggers and resistance to a group who was focused and connected.

We have that ability to diffuse negative energy in any situation. It’s not always easy, but if you meet resistance with acceptance, it has to change. If you meet resistance with more resistance, you breed a whole lot of suffering.

Everything in it's right place

Everything in its right place
Two posts in one day? Lord have mercy! I am writing because it simply amazes me how sometimes everything falls right into place for a moment that can last a short while or a long while, but when it does, you are so connected, wide eyed and awake riding that energy. That happened to me today. I usually go to South Boston on Wednesdays with David who is terrific. But it’s a Josh and Me thing and tonight Josh wasn’t able to go. I kept saying I’d go, keep the routine, but something inside me right around 3:30 pm said I wonder who’s teaching the 4pm at Prana, and it was Jacqui. I felt that Jacqui was who I needed to take class with. I show up and it turns out there is no one to do the door/check people in, so since I do it other days during the week, I open up and begin checking people in. Sign one of being in the right place. Then there was Jacqui’s class. Her presence with us, her ability to help us create space, the way I felt physically emotionally spiritually – completely connected. Joyful. At peace. One thing she kept repeating was how we need to walk through our life our practice. She used the example of being in a car and when you ride in a car not paying attention to what passes you by. You walk the same path to get to the same place as in the car and you see so much more. So we walked through our practice, giving attention to everything and anything and that is just what I needed.

I think we all have moments like this whether they are in a yoga class or eating at a certain restaurant, watching a certain movie, meeting a certain person – whatever it is, you can feel it is aligned perfectly. It seems the more present we are to how we are feeling during the day more moments like this can be created.

It's a path we take together

I didn’t have the best start to a day off today. It probably began last night.

Josh had been stressed last Sunday about this work meeting he’s had all week because they were going to discuss Sunday travel for the consultants and having to travel into the office when they are not on site somewhere. Two things he did not want to do and which would make a job he otherwise enjoys a bit more intolerable. Well, he found out yesterday that he is exempt thus far from both of those things. I was happy, I thought he’d be happy about it. We were chatting in bed last night (the best place to chat for a couple, I swear) and I couldn’t quite figure out why he was still so stuck in his head about the whole thing. He told me he wanted the changes that applied to him to apply to everyone – he was concerned about the whole group. I didn’t understand and he said while he was happy for himself for like 5 minutes, that quickly changed. He said it was selfish to care just about himself in this situation. Needless to say, him saying that, brought up my monster and it started to feed on me saying ”yes, look how selfish you are, can’t you think about anyone else but yourself?” Even though he had not called me selfish at all.

The truth is I am selfish. But the also bigger truth is so is everyone else sometimes. I couldn’t think of that though at this particular moment, even when Josh reminded me of that fact. I let my monster feed on me for awhile thinking about what an awful selfish person I was and how could he love me until I asked him does it bother you I am that way and he said no. Then I started to think about how compassionate he was and how I was not, more monster feeding. Somehow I feel asleep with the knowledge that I was “ok” in his eyes. Or rather the monster was able to sleep. I found acceptance and that lulled me off to sleep.

So onto this morning. He wakes up early because he has to head into the office again and I’m laying in bed half asleep half awake waiting for him to come kiss me goodbye. This is something he does anytime he leaves the house – whether it’s 7am, 2pm, 9pm, whatever… he never leaves without kissing me goodbye. I have come to expect it, to be honest, but also to look forward to it. Well this morning, I hear him puttering around and then poof he’s out the door, and I have no kiss. My mind panics, thinking about last night, and wondering if I am really so selfish as to not deserve this kiss. I wonder what I did. I text him quickly and soon after I hear his car outside and him coming up the stairs to kiss me, saying he was in his head this morning about something else, he was sorry he forgot. I feel relieved, but then he leaves, and I burst into tears.

There was a huge fear the moment something unexpected came into my life – something as simple as him not doing what he usually does. I fell to sleep for another 45min or so eventually and when I woke, the monster had settled and my mind was clearer.

I realized to expect him to behave as he always does is unrealistic because he’s not a robot. And neither am I. I think the more connected we are to our hearts life will be more middle ground, we won’t be so stuck in our heads. But until then, we’re going to sway back and forth. We are going to be human. We won’t be in the moment always. And in many ways this swaying back and forth is good practice for us to release our fears and deal with the unknown. To allow each of us to be as we are – selfish, stuck in our heads, sometimes insensitive, whatever it is – to be that along with all those great qualities that make us shine. I’ve realized it’s easy to understand someone when you see that they are just like you – they too are striving toward the light, and sometimes stumbling back into head and ego. It’s a path we take together.

Being joyful has its perks

It’s a rainy damp day and while I could grumble with the rest of the folks about how awful the weather is, I find myself joyfyul, content, happy. This creating space kick I’ve been on lately has truly opened up the door for me to be more joyful. I find my heart filled up most days and the mind kicks in to question whether this is truly a phase but I smile and tell it to go shed that negativity somewhere else. I think gratitude has started to come into my life and in a big way. Last night I was listening to music in the livingroom and Josh was cooking in the kitchen and one of my favorite Santana songs came on (Samba Para Ti) and he came out and danced with me. And I thought how lucky am I for this moment.

I remember my yoga teachers used to tell me gratitude has the highest vibration and I would say it myself in my classes but I never understood. Perhaps it’s what I’ve seen in India, or what I’ve realized I have here, but I am beginning to get how truly blessed I am. And getting that equates to joy.

I admit I’d like everything to continue to go my way. I think we all want that. But I know it probably won’t. Acceptance of that fact has brought on more joy because I can let go and surrender and create space instead of holding onto things I cannot change. I’m finding the more I enjoy all that I have the less I think about it getting taken away. I would hope that if it ever did and things shifted, I’d be happy for how much I enjoyed the things I had, the people I’ve loved, rather than regretting I never enjoyed what I had or showed those I love how much I care. It’s not easy, but it’s seemed lately the more I fill myself up this way, the more it just starts to spread.

I also credit my recent weekly trips to South Boston Yoga as a big help. David Vendetti is such a playful joyful individual and his classes have caused me to realize that as my own nature. I find myself bringing this playfulness, this joy into my classes more.

I don’t really know what’s ahead. I sometimes wonder if I’m not doing enough. But I know that if I’m aligned with joy I can’t be doing too bad.

Springing ahead and turning the page

I’ve been a real slacker with this blog. What can I say… It’s springtime or at least the brighter sunny long days give the illusion of spring and I find myself just wanting to enjoy more. Get out, celebrate life, and be active. So active usually involves not sitting in front of my computer though some days I’ll be caught in front of it but being active by facebooking instead. Life has been good. I think the space I’m creating in my life has been allowing for love to blossom and flourish in my heart. I’m happy. Just like the daffodils and crocuses opening their hearts to Spring, I too am shedding some layers.

Accepting things as they come

It’s almost 3:30pm on my day off. I had expected myself to do absolutely nothing today, just watching movies, reading, napping. I have done none of the above. After a call to the accountant this morning, I decided it was time to get my shit in order, so to speak. Last year was my first year teaching yoga full time, and during that year I taught at I think 11 different places for varying amounts of time. Needless to say, I had a number of W2’s, 1099’s and mileage to track. I can only hope I’ll be more organized for 2009. Organization has not been my forte but when I buckle down, I get it done.

My reason for writing all of this is that while I could be pissed I am doing tax stuff on my day off, I could develop a mood of frustration and anger while I press through it, I chose not to. When you take things as they come, you accept that whatever you are doing right now, is where you need to be in that moment. And when you do that, life just flows much more smoothly. I finished my tax preparation with the exception of a few small things, and can now head off to that hot bath I’ve been thinking about for my sore back.

I find that since I’ve been back from India life has seemed just too damn fast here and that I’ve wanted more and more to just be enjoying a day with nowhere to be with Josh, watching the cats, listening to the sounds around me on a day I’m alone in the house, such as today. Just the sound of Nomar, my cat, snoring next to me. Or my fingers clicking away on the keyboard. Or the cars passing by on the street. And life here doesn’t afford me to do that all day. I have a schedule, I have obligations and responsibilities, I have needs that I have to meet. So, I’ve felt myself frustrated when I am pushed toward something I don’t want to do at that moment. Or when my beautiful moment I’m having starts to shift. The key here is the awareness that comes knowing that if I choose to resist I’ll be in a moment I have no control over living it unhappily. If I choose to breathe, create some space, and just let things come as they may, I find my day flows easier, lighter, more free. It’s something I’m working on.

It's becoming clearer

It’s March and it’s 12 degrees out. The 80 degrees I felt during my last days in India seems long gone now. My tan has faded and I am almost as pale as the rest of us out there.

So I’ve been home from India now about a month. I’m afraid the more time passes from when I returned that I’ll forget the trip, not remember all that I experienced. It will become like when you’re a kid and you try to remember your first house, first toys and you can’t. But I’m starting to feel that what I’ve taken away from the trip, what I’ve learned, is becoming clearer – simply becoming part of who I am.

One thing I took away from being there is how truthful life seemed. Everything is completely out in the open. Disease, death, poverty and corruption to wealth, and the richness and simplicity of everyday life, traditions and customs. Nothing is nice and pretty and put away in its neat little box like try to do here. It’s raw, but feels so alive. I felt so many emotions as I experienced new sites and situations and I think in some ways I had to keep these emotions under wraps in order to stay grounded amongst a new world. And if any of you know me, you know that’s very challenging!

This first month back I have been on an up and down rollercoaster. That first week I felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong here. I was afraid to be alone and felt unsure of myself, not sure what was expected of me. In India, I didn’t have any roles for 6 weeks. I was completely free to be me. My only responsibility involved showing up for a plane, train, car to my next destination. I come back to the States and roles are a part of life here – me as a yoga teacher, a girlfriend, a friend, etc. I know none of that mattered to me before but I felt how strongly these roles mattered to our culture when I returned. Practicing yoga and teaching allowed me to come back home to ME, getting grounded and trusting myself again. My heart was tender and a bit shielded, not sure how much to share about my experiences or what to share. Would people care or understand? I’m starting to realize now that being in India has helped me to have the courage to live my life fully with an open heart. What I saw has broken away any armour around my heart, showing me the truth of human suffering, and that all our needs are the same. We all want to be loved, feel safe, be happy. I find myself feeling more vulnerable lately but completely open and loving. It’s a feeling I don’t want to lose. It’s what I hoped I’ve brought back with me, what I hope will continue, and what I hope I can share.

Woman of Steel

I keep asking myself if I have to write in this blog everyday. I suppose the more I write in it, the more of a chance at success it has. I was actually going to write yesterday but it was in the middle of the afternoon on my day off, and I thought, I’ll write in the evening. And I didn’t finish my evening until 11pm or so and there was no energy to blog at that point.

So today I found myself inspired by a comment a student made after a class tonight. I admit my ego was initially drawn to the comment, but it brought up some other interesting thoughts. After my class, a student asked if practicing yoga will make you strong. She told me she was amazed at how muscular I was and wondered if it was just from yoga. I was kinda surprised when she said this because recently I stepped on a scale (which I never do) and it seemed to be more than I remembered, and I thought I’d probably had way too much Naan in India. I told her that I have always been fairly strong physically, but yoga has brought me more strength physically than I had ever known before. I realized though that the physical strength I’ve drawn from yoga is nothing compared to the mental, emotional and spiritual strength I’ve taken from my practice. I truly believe that because of the strength my spirit has drawn my body has become strong. When your heart is open and your mind is calm, your body is free to express it’s strength and grace – because they go hand in hand. I’ve seen students in my classes who are physically strong, yet their solid but often inflexible bodies mask the pain of a broken spirit. It is my hope that they too will find the strength to give their emotions they light they are asking for, that ability to be recognized. Then their mind will find the calm it needs because it won’t need to create scenarios and situations to hide true feelings. Then their body too will show the radiance of a being firmly grounded in their own spirit.

It took about a year

Well hello cyberworld. The blogging portion of my website finally got added and I hope all I’m responsible for is the content of the message here, because I certainly have no idea how to edit the look of my blog page. Hell, today I learned from Josh, my wiz of many things boyfriend, that on my laptop, where my touchpad mouse is located, I can also use the touch pad to scroll up and down a page. I have had this lap top for a 1 1/2 years and I never figured that one out.

So the completion of this blog allows me to reflect on 2008 and what an amazing year it was in many ways. It actually began in September 2007 when I traveled to Italy on a yoga retreat with an awesome organization called yogaHOPE and the even more amazing founder of this organization, Sue and came to the realization that I wanted to quit my job of 5 years and move my life in a new direction – teaching yoga full time. That change began in November 2007. A year and 3 or so months later I’m still here, with a roof over my head, food in my belly and plenty of happiness. It certainly hasn’t been easy but it was the best decision I ever made. It involved wondering how the hell I would survive on a yoga teacher salary and somehow I did – sometimes teaching 20 classes a week if needed and sometimes relying on the help of some very amazing friends. This last year or so has also involved looking at my fears in a very bright light because I have begun to let go of many of the comforts that allowed those fears to stay hidden. Taking a leap as I did has allowed me to believe in myself more than ever and allow my heart to be a little more free, and less scared. This newly given freedom to my own passion allowed me to fall in love with someone and admit that it scares the hell out of me but still committ to being here, and not running away. This last year also saw me realize a dream, traveling to India, and spending 6 amazing weeks exploring a country I will never forget. I arrived back on Jan. 30 and am still processing it all. That’s for another post… Let me finish by saying how blessed I feel when I reflect on all that has been given to me in this last year, and that I wouldn’t trade the ups or the downs of this beautiful life for anything.