It's becoming clearer

It’s March and it’s 12 degrees out. The 80 degrees I felt during my last days in India seems long gone now. My tan has faded and I am almost as pale as the rest of us out there.

So I’ve been home from India now about a month. I’m afraid the more time passes from when I returned that I’ll forget the trip, not remember all that I experienced. It will become like when you’re a kid and you try to remember your first house, first toys and you can’t. But I’m starting to feel that what I’ve taken away from the trip, what I’ve learned, is becoming clearer – simply becoming part of who I am.

One thing I took away from being there is how truthful life seemed. Everything is completely out in the open. Disease, death, poverty and corruption to wealth, and the richness and simplicity of everyday life, traditions and customs. Nothing is nice and pretty and put away in its neat little box like try to do here. It’s raw, but feels so alive. I felt so many emotions as I experienced new sites and situations and I think in some ways I had to keep these emotions under wraps in order to stay grounded amongst a new world. And if any of you know me, you know that’s very challenging!

This first month back I have been on an up and down rollercoaster. That first week I felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong here. I was afraid to be alone and felt unsure of myself, not sure what was expected of me. In India, I didn’t have any roles for 6 weeks. I was completely free to be me. My only responsibility involved showing up for a plane, train, car to my next destination. I come back to the States and roles are a part of life here – me as a yoga teacher, a girlfriend, a friend, etc. I know none of that mattered to me before but I felt how strongly these roles mattered to our culture when I returned. Practicing yoga and teaching allowed me to come back home to ME, getting grounded and trusting myself again. My heart was tender and a bit shielded, not sure how much to share about my experiences or what to share. Would people care or understand? I’m starting to realize now that being in India has helped me to have the courage to live my life fully with an open heart. What I saw has broken away any armour around my heart, showing me the truth of human suffering, and that all our needs are the same. We all want to be loved, feel safe, be happy. I find myself feeling more vulnerable lately but completely open and loving. It’s a feeling I don’t want to lose. It’s what I hoped I’ve brought back with me, what I hope will continue, and what I hope I can share.