Thursday, June 28, 2012

Mama's Guilt

Last week was the first week Josh traveled since I had the baby. He was in NJ from Mon to Thurs night and it was me and Julian most days. In some ways, it wasn't that different. Josh has been going into the office more, and on those days often to aikido afterward, which means for a long day with the babe. I'd see him at the end of the day though, however brief, to check in, cuddle, talk about Julian. He'd also go into the office usually Tues Wed or Wed Thurs which meant I could get at least one yoga class in during the week. With him traveling, it meant no yoga classes. Just home practice. The first day I had to teach at noon so Josh's Mom came to watch Julian at the house. This was my first experience leaving him with someone else other than Josh or I except for when a yoga friend of mine took him for a walk at the studio while I taught. Julian started crying the moment I handed him to Josh's Mom and as I tried to explain a few things to her before I left, he just cried and cried and looked at me like "Why aren't you picking me up?" Believe me, I had to exercise some self control to not just scoop him up. I could have stayed a bit longer but left to get to the studio early and cried the whole way. I called my Mom as I knew she had been there before and could relate. I was amazed at how hard it was to leave him - it seems silly, but I was surprised at my attachment to him. I also felt mama guilt - is it bad we are so attached? Why is he crying with people he doesn't know as well when they hold him? Is it bad he prefers me over anyone else? I taught class and it felt as good for me as it did for the students. I got home, he was still kinda upset, but Josh's mom told me he slept for a bit and didn't cry constantly. I felt awful my kid was fussy with her and she simply seemed happy to have some time with him. We spent the rest of the week getting out to run errands, to visit with friends, and just try to stay cool as it was very hot and humid and Josh hadn't put in the AC before he left. We talked to Josh at the end of the day, usually at a time when Julian was fussy or getting ready for bed - between 6 and 7. I'd try to keep him up for Josh so we could face time on the Iphone and he could see him, but I felt frustrated trying to do that as much as I wanted them to have that time. Truly Josh would understand if Julian was asleep - he wouldn't expect him to be anything other than a baby on his own schedule. When I finally had an hour or so to myself when he went to bed, I was usually too tired to do much of anything but eat and get into bed, knowing he'd be up soon to eat. I felt myself getting depressed, and a bit edgy. Josh arrived home on Thursday night and instead of being happy to see him, I nit picked and nagged at him as soon as he got home. Put the AC in, take care of this, my car is making this noise, etc etc I knew I was doing it but I just couldn't seem to stop! I was stuck in a pattern, in a bad place, and instead of listening and vocalizing what I needed, I was attacking, reacting. I found myself exhausted and crying in the middle of the night as I woke up to feed Julian and Josh was sleeping beside me and I was like, what is going on? It took a few days for this to pass. More tears and processing on my own. I realized that getting to do something for myself each week, even if it's just once, without the baby, is very very important to my health and well being. I hadn't had that while Josh was away - it has been over a week with nothing of the sort for myself. I realized that even when the baby was asleep and I'd do a home practice, read, or something else for me, I'm still on in the sense I know the baby could wake up at any moment and I'd be needed. That once, twice a week I make it to a class I am able to truly let go and be with myself, and honestly not think too much about what's happening at home with the baby. Sometimes not at all! I think the tears were my realization of this need for myself, my frustration it wasn't being met, and taking it out on Josh, when there was nothing he could do about it, and not much I could either unless I wanted to get a sitter, which I knew I didn't. I wasn't vocalizing my needs assuming that no one would want to hear anyway - especially the person I am in love with and share this beautiful child with. And there was a bit of mama guilt that I shouldn't have these needs anyways - I am super mom! I am someone who doesn't feel guilty about anything anymore, after many years of feeling guilty for lots. And here I am swamped with this new guilt as a mother. I love the time I spend just Julian and I. I also love that he needs me, and at the same time, it's challenging how much he needs me. I love and cherish that I am the person he's the least fussy with and he prefers to have me take care of him, yet I feel guilty he doesn't feel that way with others yet and wonder if I am doing something wrong because of it. I love getting a class in for myself or a visit with friends and know how this supports me and makes me a better mother, yet I feel guilty for leaving him often at a time of day he needs me most - getting to bed. People ask if Josh and I have gone on a date night and I say no - mainly cause the thought of someone else watching him, especially at night, scares me. Even people I trust and love. I make the excuse that Josh and I don't need it that bad - we spend a lot of time together when he works from home, we enjoy family time, and we connect with the babe around... but I know deep down it would be nice for both of us to remember what it was like when it was just us. I've found I have to be really compassionate with myself on this one. Give myself a break. And do what I can. Am I ready to go on a date night.. maybe.. maybe not.. could I leave Julian for a couple hours in the afternoon before bedtime to go on a bike ride with Josh - yes, I think I could. Do I want to leave him crying to go teach a yoga class - no - but will I - yes because it's healing for me and he'll begin to learn others love and care for him too. Do I agonize when my kid cries when other people hold him or gets fussy - yes - is it probably cause he's tired - yes - and is he just a baby and babies cry - yup. Do I feel guilty I'm his whole world and he's mine - yes - should I - no - I carried him in my body for 10 months - I nurtured him then and I continue to nurture him from my body now as we breastfeed - I am his world and it is as it should be. It is as it should be. And I remind myself how fleeting it all is - that could be a whole other blog post! You look outside and see summer flying by, you realize how fleeting it is. Your newborn is almost a 4 month old who is rolling over and getting mobile and talking, and you realize how fleeting it is. You remember 2001 and graduating college like it was yesterday and here you are 12 years later... it is all so fleeting. The heart hurts at this notion but the heart knows it to be truth. The mind will resist and keep us from being in these fleeting moments - watching them go by instead of living them. This mamas guilt is a trap of the mind. I recognize it. I intend to move past it by living in these fleeting moments. And getting back into my meditation practice. I think my body does need some home practice when I can't make a class, but my mind needs a daily dose of meditation to keep the chatter out and keep these beautiful moments in. I feel grateful for the awareness to know what I need to do and to keep reminding myself to stay on my path and do it. Not just for me, but for Julian. My practice in so many ways is all for him.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I Love You With All of My Heart

You aren't told that being a mother is lonely. You aren't told about how this love you feel for your child brings you immense joy and sadness at the same time. It's lonely feeling both of these emotions so intensely as you watch your child grow. I truly feel only other mothers know. It's so hard to put into words but with a glance of knowing into each others eyes we understand. Dads may get it too, I don't come from a Dad's perspective, but Dad's seem so much more focused on the growth, the "look what my son/daughter did!" and Mom's more on the "i can't believe how grown my baby is" I feel this so intensely already at this early age. I have moments Julian and I are utterly united in joy over his learning and growth, and then I have those moments where we share a tender embrace, touch, as we look into each others eyes and he makes a sound or no sound at all and we hold that space and I know this is fleeting, this moment. And I tear up a bit. I tell him they are happy tears, but there is a little sadness in there too. A joyful sadness, cause as mothers we want to see our children grow and experience the world, to see the people they'll become, but we want to hold onto those fleeting moments as babes when you are each others world. My Mom sent a package for Julian this week. It's been hard on her being a grandma and living farther away so we keep in touch on face time through the Iphone. Yeah technology! I never thought much of my Mom's experience as a mother until now. She had always told me this or that, and I've always been so independent, so a lot of it would go in one ear and out the other. Sorry Mom! But she's always had a way of showing her love, and I've always thought it a bit too much at times - I still have to call to say I'm home safe when I get back to MA from a trip to PA or NY even when I am almost 33! I've always been one to feel things immensely but harder to show them. I feel the love just comes pouring out with Julian - there's not much I can do to not show it! It overwhelms me sometimes - the joy and sadness mixed together - and I try to remember to breathe. Well this week my Mom sent along a book I can read to Julian since he's enjoying books now. This book though was something she had bought for me in 1999 (yes, 13 years ago!) and had misplaced and never given to me. I think it was meant to be as this book meant something very special being given to me now. It's called "I Love You With All of My Heart" A young polar bear is told his mother loves him with all of her heart and he is curious how this is possible and goes on a journey to find out, asking all of his friends how their mothers love them. It's a beautiful beautiful story. My mother would always write inside of books she gave to me and in this one she wrote "2/14/99 Amanda, No matter where you are in life, when days are great or not so great, when you feel out of sorts and falling apart, know that I love you with all of my heart!" I get it Mom. I think I've found an understanding with you we didn't have before. I love you.

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Guilty of Zoning Out

Julian will be 3 months this Friday. Time is going by so quickly! Josh was around a lot at the beginning, working from home, but now he goes into the office 2 or 3 days a week, and will be traveling again soon. It's good to know I feel fully capable of taking care of Julian while he's gone (at the beginning I was a little scared!) but I also miss the adult interaction. Julian and I have visitors or visit when people are free, but on some of the days Josh goes into the office, he'll go to aikido and catching up with friends afterward, which makes for a long day with the babe. We agreed to this before he was born - that Josh's aikido practice was important for him, and time with his friends. He wanted to get to class three days a week and I wanted to get to yoga class 3 days a week since my practice was also important. Well guess who isn't going to class 3 days a week ;) It's my choice - I often make two classes during the week and on the weekends I find myself choosing to spend time with my family (Josh and Julian) instead. It's funny - when Julian was younger I found it much easier to leave him to go to yoga or out with friends. I think this is because he wasn't interacting as much - he needed me for food yes, but hadn't really come to know me as Mom yet, and me know him as my son. 3 months later though, that bond is strong, and growing, and I find I don't want to be away from him as much. I know going to classes during the week is important for taking care of myself. I enjoy it and the community, it helps my teaching, so I make the effort to go. I need to get back to my home practice. It's suffered of late and I've noticed I've started to become guilty of zoning out now that I have these longer days with the babe. I try my best not to be guilty of zoning out with him - he's very alert so when awake we play, read books, sing, talk, etc but there are moments I throw on the TV or am glued to my Iphone and I feel bad as I don't want to miss anything with him. This is why it's good when we get out or have visitors as it keeps me more in the moment and less checking out. I think the days we don't have visitors or are visiting I'm not quite sure what to do with a 3 month old. We go for walks, we play and interact, we go to the store, run errands, and if the weather is nice, get outside, but if you've been in New England, you know the weather has been a bit rainy as of late. I find that at the end of a long day with him and trying to be present for him, I have such a hard time being present for myself. We don't have cable but we have Netflix and our new thing Hulu and you can zone out to tons of stuff on there. My latest guilty zoning out show was 16 and Pregnant on MTV and I would watch thinking I'm not supposed to be taking this seriously but it is serious - these are real people with real kids and their lives are a mess and these kids take the brunt. I think zoning out or checking out is something we're all guilty of or have been guilty of. Maybe it's TV, maybe it's not being fully present in our relationships, maybe it's eating crappy food, sitting on our butts, or just letting our mind run wild. Why do we do it? It's easier I suppose but it also makes us depressed and unhappy. It's often because we don't want to deal with what we need to deal with if we checked in and were present. In my case, it's totally sleep deprivation. When it's 8pm and he's asleep, and I have maybe an hour or so to myself I often don't have the energy to do much except cook, take care of a couple household things, and flip on the TV. It doesn't help that I have a partner who totally loves to zone out to TV. He grew up differently than me with both parents who worked and he often at home alone as he was older so he'd heat up his dinner and flip on the TV. It's relaxing to him and so not the case for me. Usually the nights he's home, he'll make dinner and we'll catch up on the day then without TV or interruptions, but the TV gets flipped on as we eat and we watch House or something more intelligent than just reality drama filled TV. We don't have a kitchen table as our apartment is small but if we did, that could certainly help with the tendency to just flip on the TV. One thing my family did when growing up was eat at the dinner table with no distractions! So I think the most I can do in my sleep deprived state is start with me. The days and nights Josh isn't here and it's me and the babe, get out of the house, stay present and find things to play with and interact with if inside, and do something for myself at night - read a book, home practice, self massage, etc Stay connected rather than just zone out. And if I do feel I really need to check out, as sometimes I think we all do, watch one crappy reality tv show, eat one slice of pizza, eat some ice cream, etc etc whatever I may need to check out. And for Josh and I, encourage us to eat dinner without the TV when we eat together, which is usually 4 nights a week, so let's shoot for one without the TV. And I could make it a night I cook! Starting small gives me the compassion I need to move forward. And on that note, I'm going to do a little self massage with some lacrosse balls, have some greek yogurt with raspberries and honey for dessert, and head up to bed to read.