Guilty of Zoning Out

Julian will be 3 months this Friday. Time is going by so quickly! Josh was around a lot at the beginning, working from home, but now he goes into the office 2 or 3 days a week, and will be traveling again soon. It's good to know I feel fully capable of taking care of Julian while he's gone (at the beginning I was a little scared!) but I also miss the adult interaction. Julian and I have visitors or visit when people are free, but on some of the days Josh goes into the office, he'll go to aikido and catching up with friends afterward, which makes for a long day with the babe. We agreed to this before he was born - that Josh's aikido practice was important for him, and time with his friends. He wanted to get to class three days a week and I wanted to get to yoga class 3 days a week since my practice was also important. Well guess who isn't going to class 3 days a week ;) It's my choice - I often make two classes during the week and on the weekends I find myself choosing to spend time with my family (Josh and Julian) instead. It's funny - when Julian was younger I found it much easier to leave him to go to yoga or out with friends. I think this is because he wasn't interacting as much - he needed me for food yes, but hadn't really come to know me as Mom yet, and me know him as my son. 3 months later though, that bond is strong, and growing, and I find I don't want to be away from him as much. I know going to classes during the week is important for taking care of myself. I enjoy it and the community, it helps my teaching, so I make the effort to go. I need to get back to my home practice. It's suffered of late and I've noticed I've started to become guilty of zoning out now that I have these longer days with the babe. I try my best not to be guilty of zoning out with him - he's very alert so when awake we play, read books, sing, talk, etc but there are moments I throw on the TV or am glued to my Iphone and I feel bad as I don't want to miss anything with him. This is why it's good when we get out or have visitors as it keeps me more in the moment and less checking out. I think the days we don't have visitors or are visiting I'm not quite sure what to do with a 3 month old. We go for walks, we play and interact, we go to the store, run errands, and if the weather is nice, get outside, but if you've been in New England, you know the weather has been a bit rainy as of late. I find that at the end of a long day with him and trying to be present for him, I have such a hard time being present for myself. We don't have cable but we have Netflix and our new thing Hulu and you can zone out to tons of stuff on there. My latest guilty zoning out show was 16 and Pregnant on MTV and I would watch thinking I'm not supposed to be taking this seriously but it is serious - these are real people with real kids and their lives are a mess and these kids take the brunt. I think zoning out or checking out is something we're all guilty of or have been guilty of. Maybe it's TV, maybe it's not being fully present in our relationships, maybe it's eating crappy food, sitting on our butts, or just letting our mind run wild. Why do we do it? It's easier I suppose but it also makes us depressed and unhappy. It's often because we don't want to deal with what we need to deal with if we checked in and were present. In my case, it's totally sleep deprivation. When it's 8pm and he's asleep, and I have maybe an hour or so to myself I often don't have the energy to do much except cook, take care of a couple household things, and flip on the TV. It doesn't help that I have a partner who totally loves to zone out to TV. He grew up differently than me with both parents who worked and he often at home alone as he was older so he'd heat up his dinner and flip on the TV. It's relaxing to him and so not the case for me. Usually the nights he's home, he'll make dinner and we'll catch up on the day then without TV or interruptions, but the TV gets flipped on as we eat and we watch House or something more intelligent than just reality drama filled TV. We don't have a kitchen table as our apartment is small but if we did, that could certainly help with the tendency to just flip on the TV. One thing my family did when growing up was eat at the dinner table with no distractions! So I think the most I can do in my sleep deprived state is start with me. The days and nights Josh isn't here and it's me and the babe, get out of the house, stay present and find things to play with and interact with if inside, and do something for myself at night - read a book, home practice, self massage, etc Stay connected rather than just zone out. And if I do feel I really need to check out, as sometimes I think we all do, watch one crappy reality tv show, eat one slice of pizza, eat some ice cream, etc etc whatever I may need to check out. And for Josh and I, encourage us to eat dinner without the TV when we eat together, which is usually 4 nights a week, so let's shoot for one without the TV. And I could make it a night I cook! Starting small gives me the compassion I need to move forward. And on that note, I'm going to do a little self massage with some lacrosse balls, have some greek yogurt with raspberries and honey for dessert, and head up to bed to read.