Mama's Guilt

Last week was the first week Josh traveled since I had the baby. He was in NJ from Mon to Thurs night and it was me and Julian most days. In some ways, it wasn't that different. Josh has been going into the office more, and on those days often to aikido afterward, which means for a long day with the babe. I'd see him at the end of the day though, however brief, to check in, cuddle, talk about Julian. He'd also go into the office usually Tues Wed or Wed Thurs which meant I could get at least one yoga class in during the week. With him traveling, it meant no yoga classes. Just home practice. The first day I had to teach at noon so Josh's Mom came to watch Julian at the house. This was my first experience leaving him with someone else other than Josh or I except for when a yoga friend of mine took him for a walk at the studio while I taught. Julian started crying the moment I handed him to Josh's Mom and as I tried to explain a few things to her before I left, he just cried and cried and looked at me like "Why aren't you picking me up?" Believe me, I had to exercise some self control to not just scoop him up. I could have stayed a bit longer but left to get to the studio early and cried the whole way. I called my Mom as I knew she had been there before and could relate. I was amazed at how hard it was to leave him - it seems silly, but I was surprised at my attachment to him. I also felt mama guilt - is it bad we are so attached? Why is he crying with people he doesn't know as well when they hold him? Is it bad he prefers me over anyone else? I taught class and it felt as good for me as it did for the students. I got home, he was still kinda upset, but Josh's mom told me he slept for a bit and didn't cry constantly. I felt awful my kid was fussy with her and she simply seemed happy to have some time with him. We spent the rest of the week getting out to run errands, to visit with friends, and just try to stay cool as it was very hot and humid and Josh hadn't put in the AC before he left. We talked to Josh at the end of the day, usually at a time when Julian was fussy or getting ready for bed - between 6 and 7. I'd try to keep him up for Josh so we could face time on the Iphone and he could see him, but I felt frustrated trying to do that as much as I wanted them to have that time. Truly Josh would understand if Julian was asleep - he wouldn't expect him to be anything other than a baby on his own schedule. When I finally had an hour or so to myself when he went to bed, I was usually too tired to do much of anything but eat and get into bed, knowing he'd be up soon to eat. I felt myself getting depressed, and a bit edgy. Josh arrived home on Thursday night and instead of being happy to see him, I nit picked and nagged at him as soon as he got home. Put the AC in, take care of this, my car is making this noise, etc etc I knew I was doing it but I just couldn't seem to stop! I was stuck in a pattern, in a bad place, and instead of listening and vocalizing what I needed, I was attacking, reacting. I found myself exhausted and crying in the middle of the night as I woke up to feed Julian and Josh was sleeping beside me and I was like, what is going on? It took a few days for this to pass. More tears and processing on my own. I realized that getting to do something for myself each week, even if it's just once, without the baby, is very very important to my health and well being. I hadn't had that while Josh was away - it has been over a week with nothing of the sort for myself. I realized that even when the baby was asleep and I'd do a home practice, read, or something else for me, I'm still on in the sense I know the baby could wake up at any moment and I'd be needed. That once, twice a week I make it to a class I am able to truly let go and be with myself, and honestly not think too much about what's happening at home with the baby. Sometimes not at all! I think the tears were my realization of this need for myself, my frustration it wasn't being met, and taking it out on Josh, when there was nothing he could do about it, and not much I could either unless I wanted to get a sitter, which I knew I didn't. I wasn't vocalizing my needs assuming that no one would want to hear anyway - especially the person I am in love with and share this beautiful child with. And there was a bit of mama guilt that I shouldn't have these needs anyways - I am super mom! I am someone who doesn't feel guilty about anything anymore, after many years of feeling guilty for lots. And here I am swamped with this new guilt as a mother. I love the time I spend just Julian and I. I also love that he needs me, and at the same time, it's challenging how much he needs me. I love and cherish that I am the person he's the least fussy with and he prefers to have me take care of him, yet I feel guilty he doesn't feel that way with others yet and wonder if I am doing something wrong because of it. I love getting a class in for myself or a visit with friends and know how this supports me and makes me a better mother, yet I feel guilty for leaving him often at a time of day he needs me most - getting to bed. People ask if Josh and I have gone on a date night and I say no - mainly cause the thought of someone else watching him, especially at night, scares me. Even people I trust and love. I make the excuse that Josh and I don't need it that bad - we spend a lot of time together when he works from home, we enjoy family time, and we connect with the babe around... but I know deep down it would be nice for both of us to remember what it was like when it was just us. I've found I have to be really compassionate with myself on this one. Give myself a break. And do what I can. Am I ready to go on a date night.. maybe.. maybe not.. could I leave Julian for a couple hours in the afternoon before bedtime to go on a bike ride with Josh - yes, I think I could. Do I want to leave him crying to go teach a yoga class - no - but will I - yes because it's healing for me and he'll begin to learn others love and care for him too. Do I agonize when my kid cries when other people hold him or gets fussy - yes - is it probably cause he's tired - yes - and is he just a baby and babies cry - yup. Do I feel guilty I'm his whole world and he's mine - yes - should I - no - I carried him in my body for 10 months - I nurtured him then and I continue to nurture him from my body now as we breastfeed - I am his world and it is as it should be. It is as it should be. And I remind myself how fleeting it all is - that could be a whole other blog post! You look outside and see summer flying by, you realize how fleeting it is. Your newborn is almost a 4 month old who is rolling over and getting mobile and talking, and you realize how fleeting it is. You remember 2001 and graduating college like it was yesterday and here you are 12 years later... it is all so fleeting. The heart hurts at this notion but the heart knows it to be truth. The mind will resist and keep us from being in these fleeting moments - watching them go by instead of living them. This mamas guilt is a trap of the mind. I recognize it. I intend to move past it by living in these fleeting moments. And getting back into my meditation practice. I think my body does need some home practice when I can't make a class, but my mind needs a daily dose of meditation to keep the chatter out and keep these beautiful moments in. I feel grateful for the awareness to know what I need to do and to keep reminding myself to stay on my path and do it. Not just for me, but for Julian. My practice in so many ways is all for him.