This is my life

There is a beauty and power that comes from fully embracing something - whether it be a decision, a song, food, a scent, falling in love - you name it. There is beauty and power in surrender which is truly what embracing is, though we often think that the power comes in holding on tightly to something and a preconceived notion of how something should be. There is only struggle and pain in that. The mind will tell you YES this is how it's SUPPOSED to be. Yet your body is very much telling you NO if you listen. My mind still tells me no sometimes these days but my body and my whole being keeps saying YES with my life now and it's current course. I feel outside myself when I am stuck in my head and my mind is saying this isn't how it's SUPPOSED to be, this isn't what I expected. I breathe then, I listen and my body gives a resounding YES. And I smile. This is my life. I would recommend to anyone starting a family that they become clear on what kind of partner or relationship they need to support them into their role as parent. The thing is, I thought I knew what I needed, but it wasn't until becoming a mother that I realized I didn't have what I needed in a partner or relationship. This is the case for many of us unfortunately. How can we know as first time parents? I believe that I knew I wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember. I didn't always know I wanted a long term relationship, a partner in life. My actions wouldn't support that idea since I have been in many relationships over the last almost 20 years, but the truth is these relationships were a means of seeking attention, safety, of a man to care for me, to fix me, to save me. And the relationships always failed once the fixing or saving was done, once I had moved into a new phase in my life, my womanhood. I admit I thought the relationship that brought Julian into this world was different. It was in that for the first time I chose to be with this person - it wasn't just something I fell into. And we fell in love and had all kinds of hopes and dreams for the future. I think my problem lay in that I hadn't fully acknowledged my pain. Deep down I expected this relationship with him to fix that pain. I had had to be strong for so long. I had to put up walls to protect and shield for as long as I can remember. The trauma occurred early in my childhood where I felt the need to do this (unconsciously) and in adulthood I was still carrying around those walls, though I think I wanted to let them come down with Julian's father. So in many ways I fell in love with him, but I fell in love in where I imagined we could go. A deep and true intimacy like we'd never known. I think I expected this to happen while he stayed up on his white horse so to speak. It couldn't happen unless he chose to get off and I believe we both knew one of the reasons I chose and was drawn to him was because he was strong - he didn't need anybody just as I didn't need anybody. I thought this could be the basis of something great because we'd choose to want to be with one other. I see now I was mistaken. When we both become the most vulnerable we could be as parents, we needed one other, yet didn't know how to say it or change it since we'd played out this pattern of not needing one other for so long. I then felt pain like I've never felt before as our relationship disintegrated and I realized there was a whole other pain there left - a pain that had been for some time. I was sitting in meditation with my new love last night and I had very vivid images come up. An image of a disheveled frightened girl in so much pain. Images of happy moments between Julian's father and I. I felt and was overwhelmed by this great pain. A pain that has been with me for so long. And then I saw a meadow, light, my new love and I in the comfort of our home. The Universe has given me a gift in this new relationship. The gift of having the life I've only imagined. Living it now. With so much possibility and excitement. I'm able to see that I am a person that wants to LIVE that wants adventure and rich and vibrant life experiences. I had pushed that down because I didn't feel worthy of it. I didn't see people around me modeling it so I couldn't see why I would deserve it too. Yet unconsciously or consciously I was making choices to support that adventure and richness in life - rowing in school, going to London as a teenager, going away to college, living away from home, relationships, drugs, traveling to Italy, India, yoga, quitting my job to teach yoga, teaching at my dream studios, writing writing writing, different cuisines and people, tattoos, having a child... These aren't the choices of someone who doesn't want to live. I took on false beliefs of how I should live, how I should love and here I am at 33 finally free to live the live I've only dreamed of. A life I can't see how it's going to look. A life unfolding now. It's amazing. My mind gets stuck still and I feel guilty that here I am and others aren't, that who am I to have this, the fear of what happens when I fully surrender and let go of this pain, what happens when these walls are gone - will they ever be? I don't expect my new love to rid me of this pain nor does he try to. We support each other where we are which fosters a deep intimacy. It's the feeling that it can only get BETTER. And that time is our friend. I struggle with if these last walls could go. I think I'd like them to. I'd like to be fully me, all the time, everywhere, everyplace. No roles, no need to hide. It's a process and a process that I am lucky to share with another and the wonderful people in my life. It's not what I imagined it to look like, but honestly, none of my life has been. I had thought I'd be married with three kids by the time I was 25 and I am blessed to be 33 with a son and a love who makes me giddy and family and community to support me. I consider that to be what I would call blessed. This is my life. And I love it.

Who am I not to?

I had this blog post written, almost published and then I said... I can be a little more truthful and honest than that, so... let's go there. I've been slacking. I've been a little... busy. I have decided to embrace this notion of be happy NOW and have begun dating again. It took me 5 months but here I am. And it's been an intense couple weeks. In many ways, I think this choice to be happy now and feel I'm worthy of love and belonging is a direct and positive way to deal with the anger and pain surrounding the end of my relationship with Josh. I've said what I need to say yet the pain still resides and the actions of those around me show they are living their life, so why shouldn't I live mine? Who am I not to be happy? I have gone back and forth in these last couple weeks when I finally decided to allow myself to be happy between thinking this could lead somewhere with the person I am dating to complete and utter what the hell I am doing. The truth is this new relationship, me, and those in my life - we are all in process. So yes, it is leading somewhere. I just can't see what it looks like. I am living it right now. I will say I am blissfully happy. I am in love. I feel I've come full circle to be able to journey with my partner and exist in a state of BEING. Rather than reflecting egos patterns or dysfunction, love is being reflected. The only thing that could hold me back from the life I have imagined is ME - this monkey mind of mine which cannot grasp that I do deserve to be this happy. My unconscious, my entire being know me to be worthy of happiness so my actions in many ways are leading me in that direction without even trying. It's amazing the energy the excitement the possibility! Yes it is new but it could be possible that by living my life now in this way I will continue to create connections and open doors and there is no telling where being happy now could lead, or how it will set my free. Of course there's a but.... it's scary as hell! Yet over these last months and truly always if I think about it, the Universe has shown me I'm taken care of. A higher power is at work. And how my partner and I met is totally a higher power story for those of you who've heard - no if ands or butts around the fact that the Universe wanted to bring us together. How can I deny it? How can I push it away? Is it too crazy to be true? I don't think so. I reach out and hold on with a ferocious fear in my heart, a fear I lean into, a fear I face with courage and love. I'm worthy of this bliss!! I'm ready for the life I have dreamed of. I'm done thinking my way through and will just enjoy being. I've been reading The Places That Scare You and Pema Chodron talks about our walls and how when we hit up against them instead of running or trying to take a sledgehammer to them (I've always been the sledgehammer type) we should get closer to them, examine them, know them. Treat them with the kindness and compassion they deserve because they have served a purpose for us - keeping us safe. I've been doing this and it's helping as I take baby steps (though they are moving quickly!) into this new world. I feel like Charlie in the Chocolate Factory when he get the Golden Ticket and gets to step inside the Chocolate Factory!! When I was alone before I started to date again, I thought I had crossed a threshold. I was in my power and all was good! That is true... but.. that's just the tip of the iceberg. Now the real work begins! Another person has come into the mix and I realize there are still layers to explore - my most deeply rooted false beliefs about myself. The who am I to have the life I imagined? Who am I to love and be loved? Who am I to be happy? Choosing to be happy daily and recognizing when I am trapped inside these walls is a daily process. It's slowly working. I recognize that there won't be a destination. There won't be a time when I say - the work is done! Yet as I grow more fully into my life as the person I know I can be, as having the life I have imagined and dreamed of, I know the work is getting easier and I am finding more connections, more joy. I'd be lying if I said when I look into my son's face and see his father it doesn't break my heart all over again. It does. But then I take a deep breath, I smile, I remember all is in process. I doubt the pain will ever disappear but will it morph and change into gratitude or love? I think it is doing that as I recognize I wouldn't be this happy without Julian being in my life, and I wouldn't have Julian without Josh. Knowing that purpose can help me let go of my story - the pain. I sit with why I feel guilty about falling in love with another. Why I feel guilty for allowing another person to step into this role of parenting Julian with me. Why I can see the life I've imagined in front of me - a life of connection, joy, travel, lush rich and vibrant life experiences, and I'm afraid to take hold. Why do I feel the need to explain myself away instead of just be direct and let myself stand tall. I practice compassion. I practice loving kindness. I let myself be seen and known. I invite another into my world, my heart. I remain open and vulnerable. I love. Who am I not to? Who am I not to?

Integration

Integration. It's defined as the act or process of making whole or entire. Integration is a big part of my life these days as I live with courage. Courage involves being seen or known, and to do this one must integrate. You celebrate and live it ALL. You no longer take what you like, and disregard the rest. For a long time I only took what I liked and lived in shame regarding the rest. This allowed me to be less vulnerable and I thought safe, but truly I was locked down by my own fear. As I integrate, I accept fully my past. I accept my mistakes. I know my strengths. I honor my weaknesses. I embrace me even when me isn't what someone may like to see or hear. It's a necessary process for growth. I am also discovering it's a necessary process for parenting. I have a very spirited child. Many people thought I would have a zen yogi and I would not say my child is calm. He's chill, but calm... not so much. He's curious about everything, has a ton of energy, and already declaring himself an individual and finding himself pretty entertaining while doing it. I recognize that this is a child who needs boundaries and a form of discipline that encourages what he CAN do and not just what he can't. Right now there is a lot of no, though I am trying to infer with a can. When he's biting me or banging the remote on my head, there isn't a lot of can with that. So I describe my emotional state - it hurts - and since he's also more emotional being so spirited, I think he will one day understand that. I also distract him to a new activity instead of the one that I didn't want him to be doing. Parenting in such a way would not be possible if I was not a whole individual. When you are stuck in your head and in your stuff, you are distracted. No child needs a distracted parent, but especially my child. I am not perfect and yes I am still distracted but I recognize this is something to work on, and I am taking steps to deal with the distractions in my life. Sometimes eliminating them, but other times this is not possible, so speaking up out of vulnerability and courage is the way as it clears out my head and makes space to be the mother I need to be. I was teaching a class recently and one of my regular students said after class "That wasn't as hard as usual" Now this student is a regular reader of my blog so let me say - I love you - but that comment brought me right into my stuff, and I thank this student, because it was a good teaching moment. I said to her, "Yoga doesn't have to be hard" with a smile. I then felt the need to explain myself, or compare myself, which gets into my stuff, and this feeling of not being good enough - should it be hard? For most of my life I lived with the belief that yes, things have to be hard. I didn't want them to be hard, but deep down I had this false belief that yes, they had to be hard. It went along with my feelings of not deserving happiness or being good enough, so I would get myself into situation that were filled with drama often. I brought this feeling of things having to be hard to have a sense of accomplishment into everything I did - academics, relationships, physical activity, etc I began yoga in a gym and was quickly hooked to the challenging aspect of it and when my then teacher left to open her own studio, I followed and from there fell into the hot power yoga craze - intense physical activity and in a room heated to 90 to 100 degrees - sign me up! I began teaching and took pride when students would describe my classes as the hardest out there. A new student would come into my class and I'd bust out all my hardest moves, focusing my attention on correcting his or her posture, fixing them so to speak. I remember vividly Josh taking my classes and saying that I focused too much on him and it made him not want to come. All of this fixing, this focus on how "tough" I was was really a practice in shame. I didn't want to look at my imperfection or be vulnerable and truly put myself out there so I was going to beat myself and those around me into being perfect. And those were the kind of folks I'd draw into my life and around me - those not feeling good enough who needed to be fixed or those who wanted to get beat up with me. Motherhood has allowed me to cross the threshold into realizing that life is already hard - I don't need to make it harder. Lose your love and become a single mom when your baby is 5 months, parent mostly on my own, ex starts dating someone new and moves in with her - all within the last 6 months? Yeah I'd say life is hard enough. The best I can do is practice gratitude for all that I do have and self care for my very imperfect self. Have that extra cookie without guilt, take childs pose in class, take a yin class, admit my mistakes, stop competing, accept everything. It's a work in progress - a work in process as I like to say. It's a daily practice. The Universe does a good job of putting before you everything you need to know if you are on your path or if you've veered off. If there's a lot of struggle, the Universe is saying pause, LISTEN. And sometimes the Universe will put before you what seems to be just what you want. This happened to me recently. You want to jump and grab onto it before it runs away, before you lose it! Yet if you pause and listen and ask yourself - am I happy? Would I change anything? For me the answers were Yes to am I happy and No to would I change anything. I knew there was no rush. An integrated person derives their strength and feelings of self worth from within. They don't need things to be hard to define them being good enough. They don't need to explain themselves and instead are direct, letting their actions and words speak for themselves. They don't believe in things just happening to them, as they recognize their choices are theirs and do have consequences. There's no rushing, as they trust all is coming to them.

Sobriety

I was looking through Facebook before I went to bed New Years Eve (at 9pm! ;)) and I saw a friend of mine post how Sobriety was at the top of his list for 2013. I didn't think much of it then as he's a recovering addict and all recovering addicts I know put sobriety as number one. I've been angry these last few days. Something was said to me New Years and it was one of those things that later you think - what the f*ck did they say? No way in hell! I need to clear that out. There's been a pouring out of angry words in my head and venom to this person. There's a lot of anger, and what always lies behind anger - hurt. A lot. I need to say something but I am at a point where I choose my words wisely. This person is sick. Stuck in their own story, their own deluded mind. So to tell a sick person something they can't understand, it doesn't help. You have to tell them what you believe they can understand, not what you think they should already know. That's very hard for me, but I think having a child helps. Julian will ask me things when he's young I'm sure where I'll think, it's not time for him to know the whole truth. His childlike mind isn't ready for it. This getting caught up in our own story, the patterns of not good enough, who am i to deserve happiness, etc etc are a sickness. A sickness that is an addiction just like alcoholism and other such addictions. I don't mean to diminish those addictions whatsoever. I think though that someone addicted to their story can cause just as much pain as an alcoholic. The alcoholic too is addicted to their story but it shows up differently than someone addicted to their story with no substance abuse issue. Addiction is hidden by the rose colored glasses of the rational mind - you can make yourself believe anything, syndrome. Yet if those addicted sat still for a moment the unconscious mind would speak loudly enough to let them know they have a problem. These stories and dysfunctional patterning destroy marriages, relationships, jobs, happiness, love... you name it. A person can die having this addiction. You may ask what do I mean by story. Here's an example - You meet this great guy. You fall in love. You're blissfully happy thinking about the future. A voice comes in. You've been hurt before. You've failed at love before. You're not good enough for him. Who are you to think you deserve to be happy? Heard that voice? I have. It's not REAL. It's a sick addicted mind. Yet for many of us that is what drives our actions. How sad! We keep ourselves from what we want so dearly or destroy it all together. I have drawn many people into my story. I've been drawn into many others. I wasn't able to let go of mine until I was truly alone. No relationship. No one waiting in the wings. Just me and my sick twisted mind and thoughts, and the feelings that come along with them. That relationship - of sitting with my thoughts and feelings - was and still is the most important one of my life. I never got so clear in who I am - and who I am not - as I did then. I found this quote by Anais Nin today: "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to ones courage" I found my courage and I discovered happiness, the source of which I was responsible for. I discovered love in so many places - ones I didn't know existed. We are often so afraid to do that thing because we think we won't have love, we won't have belonging.... what we don't realize is that when we do that thing and after we rise from the ashes we radiate courage and bravery and that draws love and belonging to us. Fear pushes all love and belonging away. So I will put sobriety at the top of my list for 2013. Without a healthy clear mind, I am nothing.