Who am I not to?

I had this blog post written, almost published and then I said... I can be a little more truthful and honest than that, so... let's go there. I've been slacking. I've been a little... busy. I have decided to embrace this notion of be happy NOW and have begun dating again. It took me 5 months but here I am. And it's been an intense couple weeks. In many ways, I think this choice to be happy now and feel I'm worthy of love and belonging is a direct and positive way to deal with the anger and pain surrounding the end of my relationship with Josh. I've said what I need to say yet the pain still resides and the actions of those around me show they are living their life, so why shouldn't I live mine? Who am I not to be happy? I have gone back and forth in these last couple weeks when I finally decided to allow myself to be happy between thinking this could lead somewhere with the person I am dating to complete and utter what the hell I am doing. The truth is this new relationship, me, and those in my life - we are all in process. So yes, it is leading somewhere. I just can't see what it looks like. I am living it right now. I will say I am blissfully happy. I am in love. I feel I've come full circle to be able to journey with my partner and exist in a state of BEING. Rather than reflecting egos patterns or dysfunction, love is being reflected. The only thing that could hold me back from the life I have imagined is ME - this monkey mind of mine which cannot grasp that I do deserve to be this happy. My unconscious, my entire being know me to be worthy of happiness so my actions in many ways are leading me in that direction without even trying. It's amazing the energy the excitement the possibility! Yes it is new but it could be possible that by living my life now in this way I will continue to create connections and open doors and there is no telling where being happy now could lead, or how it will set my free. Of course there's a but.... it's scary as hell! Yet over these last months and truly always if I think about it, the Universe has shown me I'm taken care of. A higher power is at work. And how my partner and I met is totally a higher power story for those of you who've heard - no if ands or butts around the fact that the Universe wanted to bring us together. How can I deny it? How can I push it away? Is it too crazy to be true? I don't think so. I reach out and hold on with a ferocious fear in my heart, a fear I lean into, a fear I face with courage and love. I'm worthy of this bliss!! I'm ready for the life I have dreamed of. I'm done thinking my way through and will just enjoy being. I've been reading The Places That Scare You and Pema Chodron talks about our walls and how when we hit up against them instead of running or trying to take a sledgehammer to them (I've always been the sledgehammer type) we should get closer to them, examine them, know them. Treat them with the kindness and compassion they deserve because they have served a purpose for us - keeping us safe. I've been doing this and it's helping as I take baby steps (though they are moving quickly!) into this new world. I feel like Charlie in the Chocolate Factory when he get the Golden Ticket and gets to step inside the Chocolate Factory!! When I was alone before I started to date again, I thought I had crossed a threshold. I was in my power and all was good! That is true... but.. that's just the tip of the iceberg. Now the real work begins! Another person has come into the mix and I realize there are still layers to explore - my most deeply rooted false beliefs about myself. The who am I to have the life I imagined? Who am I to love and be loved? Who am I to be happy? Choosing to be happy daily and recognizing when I am trapped inside these walls is a daily process. It's slowly working. I recognize that there won't be a destination. There won't be a time when I say - the work is done! Yet as I grow more fully into my life as the person I know I can be, as having the life I have imagined and dreamed of, I know the work is getting easier and I am finding more connections, more joy. I'd be lying if I said when I look into my son's face and see his father it doesn't break my heart all over again. It does. But then I take a deep breath, I smile, I remember all is in process. I doubt the pain will ever disappear but will it morph and change into gratitude or love? I think it is doing that as I recognize I wouldn't be this happy without Julian being in my life, and I wouldn't have Julian without Josh. Knowing that purpose can help me let go of my story - the pain. I sit with why I feel guilty about falling in love with another. Why I feel guilty for allowing another person to step into this role of parenting Julian with me. Why I can see the life I've imagined in front of me - a life of connection, joy, travel, lush rich and vibrant life experiences, and I'm afraid to take hold. Why do I feel the need to explain myself away instead of just be direct and let myself stand tall. I practice compassion. I practice loving kindness. I let myself be seen and known. I invite another into my world, my heart. I remain open and vulnerable. I love. Who am I not to? Who am I not to?