Sobriety

I was looking through Facebook before I went to bed New Years Eve (at 9pm! ;)) and I saw a friend of mine post how Sobriety was at the top of his list for 2013. I didn't think much of it then as he's a recovering addict and all recovering addicts I know put sobriety as number one. I've been angry these last few days. Something was said to me New Years and it was one of those things that later you think - what the f*ck did they say? No way in hell! I need to clear that out. There's been a pouring out of angry words in my head and venom to this person. There's a lot of anger, and what always lies behind anger - hurt. A lot. I need to say something but I am at a point where I choose my words wisely. This person is sick. Stuck in their own story, their own deluded mind. So to tell a sick person something they can't understand, it doesn't help. You have to tell them what you believe they can understand, not what you think they should already know. That's very hard for me, but I think having a child helps. Julian will ask me things when he's young I'm sure where I'll think, it's not time for him to know the whole truth. His childlike mind isn't ready for it. This getting caught up in our own story, the patterns of not good enough, who am i to deserve happiness, etc etc are a sickness. A sickness that is an addiction just like alcoholism and other such addictions. I don't mean to diminish those addictions whatsoever. I think though that someone addicted to their story can cause just as much pain as an alcoholic. The alcoholic too is addicted to their story but it shows up differently than someone addicted to their story with no substance abuse issue. Addiction is hidden by the rose colored glasses of the rational mind - you can make yourself believe anything, syndrome. Yet if those addicted sat still for a moment the unconscious mind would speak loudly enough to let them know they have a problem. These stories and dysfunctional patterning destroy marriages, relationships, jobs, happiness, love... you name it. A person can die having this addiction. You may ask what do I mean by story. Here's an example - You meet this great guy. You fall in love. You're blissfully happy thinking about the future. A voice comes in. You've been hurt before. You've failed at love before. You're not good enough for him. Who are you to think you deserve to be happy? Heard that voice? I have. It's not REAL. It's a sick addicted mind. Yet for many of us that is what drives our actions. How sad! We keep ourselves from what we want so dearly or destroy it all together. I have drawn many people into my story. I've been drawn into many others. I wasn't able to let go of mine until I was truly alone. No relationship. No one waiting in the wings. Just me and my sick twisted mind and thoughts, and the feelings that come along with them. That relationship - of sitting with my thoughts and feelings - was and still is the most important one of my life. I never got so clear in who I am - and who I am not - as I did then. I found this quote by Anais Nin today: "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to ones courage" I found my courage and I discovered happiness, the source of which I was responsible for. I discovered love in so many places - ones I didn't know existed. We are often so afraid to do that thing because we think we won't have love, we won't have belonging.... what we don't realize is that when we do that thing and after we rise from the ashes we radiate courage and bravery and that draws love and belonging to us. Fear pushes all love and belonging away. So I will put sobriety at the top of my list for 2013. Without a healthy clear mind, I am nothing.