Integration

Integration. It's defined as the act or process of making whole or entire. Integration is a big part of my life these days as I live with courage. Courage involves being seen or known, and to do this one must integrate. You celebrate and live it ALL. You no longer take what you like, and disregard the rest. For a long time I only took what I liked and lived in shame regarding the rest. This allowed me to be less vulnerable and I thought safe, but truly I was locked down by my own fear. As I integrate, I accept fully my past. I accept my mistakes. I know my strengths. I honor my weaknesses. I embrace me even when me isn't what someone may like to see or hear. It's a necessary process for growth. I am also discovering it's a necessary process for parenting. I have a very spirited child. Many people thought I would have a zen yogi and I would not say my child is calm. He's chill, but calm... not so much. He's curious about everything, has a ton of energy, and already declaring himself an individual and finding himself pretty entertaining while doing it. I recognize that this is a child who needs boundaries and a form of discipline that encourages what he CAN do and not just what he can't. Right now there is a lot of no, though I am trying to infer with a can. When he's biting me or banging the remote on my head, there isn't a lot of can with that. So I describe my emotional state - it hurts - and since he's also more emotional being so spirited, I think he will one day understand that. I also distract him to a new activity instead of the one that I didn't want him to be doing. Parenting in such a way would not be possible if I was not a whole individual. When you are stuck in your head and in your stuff, you are distracted. No child needs a distracted parent, but especially my child. I am not perfect and yes I am still distracted but I recognize this is something to work on, and I am taking steps to deal with the distractions in my life. Sometimes eliminating them, but other times this is not possible, so speaking up out of vulnerability and courage is the way as it clears out my head and makes space to be the mother I need to be. I was teaching a class recently and one of my regular students said after class "That wasn't as hard as usual" Now this student is a regular reader of my blog so let me say - I love you - but that comment brought me right into my stuff, and I thank this student, because it was a good teaching moment. I said to her, "Yoga doesn't have to be hard" with a smile. I then felt the need to explain myself, or compare myself, which gets into my stuff, and this feeling of not being good enough - should it be hard? For most of my life I lived with the belief that yes, things have to be hard. I didn't want them to be hard, but deep down I had this false belief that yes, they had to be hard. It went along with my feelings of not deserving happiness or being good enough, so I would get myself into situation that were filled with drama often. I brought this feeling of things having to be hard to have a sense of accomplishment into everything I did - academics, relationships, physical activity, etc I began yoga in a gym and was quickly hooked to the challenging aspect of it and when my then teacher left to open her own studio, I followed and from there fell into the hot power yoga craze - intense physical activity and in a room heated to 90 to 100 degrees - sign me up! I began teaching and took pride when students would describe my classes as the hardest out there. A new student would come into my class and I'd bust out all my hardest moves, focusing my attention on correcting his or her posture, fixing them so to speak. I remember vividly Josh taking my classes and saying that I focused too much on him and it made him not want to come. All of this fixing, this focus on how "tough" I was was really a practice in shame. I didn't want to look at my imperfection or be vulnerable and truly put myself out there so I was going to beat myself and those around me into being perfect. And those were the kind of folks I'd draw into my life and around me - those not feeling good enough who needed to be fixed or those who wanted to get beat up with me. Motherhood has allowed me to cross the threshold into realizing that life is already hard - I don't need to make it harder. Lose your love and become a single mom when your baby is 5 months, parent mostly on my own, ex starts dating someone new and moves in with her - all within the last 6 months? Yeah I'd say life is hard enough. The best I can do is practice gratitude for all that I do have and self care for my very imperfect self. Have that extra cookie without guilt, take childs pose in class, take a yin class, admit my mistakes, stop competing, accept everything. It's a work in progress - a work in process as I like to say. It's a daily practice. The Universe does a good job of putting before you everything you need to know if you are on your path or if you've veered off. If there's a lot of struggle, the Universe is saying pause, LISTEN. And sometimes the Universe will put before you what seems to be just what you want. This happened to me recently. You want to jump and grab onto it before it runs away, before you lose it! Yet if you pause and listen and ask yourself - am I happy? Would I change anything? For me the answers were Yes to am I happy and No to would I change anything. I knew there was no rush. An integrated person derives their strength and feelings of self worth from within. They don't need things to be hard to define them being good enough. They don't need to explain themselves and instead are direct, letting their actions and words speak for themselves. They don't believe in things just happening to them, as they recognize their choices are theirs and do have consequences. There's no rushing, as they trust all is coming to them.