Thursday, December 8, 2011

Fear as my greatest teacher

Most of my Facebook posts are light, often about my teaching schedule, or what fun things I have planned for the day, who I am thankful or grateful for, or a spiritual tidbit/quote. Today I posted in response to something that keeps showing up: "Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I don't need to be fixed and neither do you. I trust that you are being guided by intuition and a bit of the divine. I trust that I am being guided by the same." What irritates or bugs us the most, and especially if it keeps showing up, is the Universe's way of saying, take a look at this - within yourself. The words I posted were a pep talk - to myself.

I have always been someone who does not like being told what I should or should not do. Or can and cannot do. It may be an oldest child thing, or a child growing up in an alcoholic family thing. Little adult at an early age. So I've always walked my own path and trusted that I know myself best.... or so I thought (about that last part, the trusting part)

I've realized over the years, and with the help of yoga for sure, that this pattern of not liking to hear the shoulds or should nots have irritated me more than most people. I had a harder time letting go when someone would voice an unasked for opinion on my life to me. Being pregnant has brought more of this on than before. People who are strangers, to acquaintances, to friends will offer up their opinions, advice, without me asking for it - and more so now that I am really showing and my due date gets ever closer. At first I'd brush it off, thank them politely, take it with a grain of salt. But apparently it affected me more than I wanted to admit or deal with. And then I asked what is all of this saying about me?

As someone who doesn't like to be told should or should not, I have lived in a place of fear. I put up a good front, say I know what I'm doing, but as soon as those words SHOULD came out I question my belief in myself. My so called trust in myself isn't as strong as I thought. And I get angry - it's directed at you, but I'm truly angry at me, for not believing.

It's most easy to see in others what you don't want to see in yourself. I'm good with being supportive, compassionate, offering suggestions but not dishing out my own should or should nots with friends, students, coworkers, acquaintances.... but when it comes to those in my innermost circle - family, my boyfriend Josh, my soon to be son... I am not so good at keeping my mouth shut.

This has come up most with my boyfriend Josh. I've found myself during my pregnancy telling him he SHOULD go to the doctor, get a check up... he SHOULD get to yoga more.... he SHOULDN'T be going out having drinks with his buddies.... he SHOULD be reading more pregnancy books, preparing for our son's arrival... etc etc Not once did I hear a SHOULD from him... he's never been the "let me treat you different cause you're pregnant" boyfriend and I so thank him for that. He's listened, been supportive, for my highest good.. I have not done the same for him. And the more I sit with this I understand it's my own FEAR coming up. The FEAR of him not being around and having to do this alone. The FEAR we won't be good parents, we'll screw up in some way. Loads and loads of FEAR.

I think we can all say when we dish out the should or should nots, when we try to FIX someone we do it with the best intentions. We care about said person so much. But what we truly care about is masking our own fear, taking the quick way out by reacting to another person so we don't have to deal with it - fixing them so we feel better. It's not about that person's highest good. And so the fear remains.

The work becomes trusting myself and what I intuitively know to be true - in my body, in my life, in myself. If I truly trust, when someone gives me a should, should not, when someone tries to fix me, I won't feel this internal bubbling of fear. I'll be able to smile, recognize that what they are saying is about them, and only I am the one who can make it about me. When I trust in myself, I will trust in another person's ability to do the same. I will trust that just as I know how to care for myself, Josh, and those I love, know how to do the same. It's scary to let go of that fear. It's been such a safety net, but I'd rather believe I can fly.