Thursday, May 31, 2012

Happy Hippo, Angry Duck

Julian likes it when I read to him. He has always liked me singing or talking to him, but now he's able to sit and "read" a book with me. He makes his own happy sounds as I read out loud. One of his favorite books right now is Happy Hippo, Angry Duck. This is a book one of my yoga friends gave me about moods. It says "Hello Little Person! How are you today? Is your mood quite terrific or only okay? Are you happy as a hippo? Or angry as a duck? Maybe sad as a chicken? Or you grumpy as a moose? Or excited as a dog? Worried as a rabbit? Contented as a frog? Perhaps like a pig you are sweetly amused. Or perhaps like a cow you're completely confused. You might feel that somehow you've lost all your fizz. Or you're frazzled like a um frazzled thing. I'm not sure what it is. Well, I hope you are happy. But if you are not, you have friends that will help you. We like you a lot. And a difficult mood is not here to stay. Everyone's moods will change day to day. Unless you're that duck. He's always that way." I love the wisdom in this book. The last two weeks have given us a chance to implement this wisdom. Julian had his first laugh 2 weekends ago and on that same day he also spent 2 hours crying on and off at Josh's parents house. Was it a new much bigger environment as we stepped into their house? Was it learning something new? Seeing a dog for the first time? Who knows. I only knew I had never had my boy cry this much, especially with me at the end of the day. So I nursed, I rocked, I walked him up and down Josh's parents long driveway (thank heavens cause there are no sidewalks where they are in Pembroke!) and finally he slept a bit, the fit subsided, he goes to bed and is all smiles next time he wakes. The following week I had my very first experience being sick and a mom. Worst combo ever! It was a sinus/cold thing and I didn't want to take any medication as I am breastfeeding. I did take Ibuprofen as that is safe and I needed something to help the sore throat, general eh feeling, and a low grade fever. Now before being a Mom, it sucked being sick, but I could sleep as much as I wanted when not teaching yoga. Not the case anymore. Not only am I up usually twice a night nursing the babe, I'm taking care of him during the day while Josh works. The cold hit on a Wed and I had to teach back to back classes on a Thursday night since I couldn't find a sub. I didn't complain.. much.. I realized being a Mom is something you just do, whether you are 100% or 50%. I remember that first morning waking up sick with my little guy who was slightly sick himself, but faring much better and all smiles at 6am, and I was feeling a bit resentful I couldn't crawl back to bed and then I said this little guy has no idea what I need, only what he needs right now... and he needs his mama. So I gave him a weak smile, told him mama wasn't feeling good or up for singing today, but let's try a quiet tune. And he smiled with that glint in his eye as if he understood, and it was ok with him. It just mattered I was there, 50% or 100%. And so back to this book. Happy Hippo, Angry Duck. This book tells children it's ok to just feel what they need to feel in each moment. We as adults are supposed to be the wise ones and we rarely give ourselves or others permission to be the angry duck or the grumpy moose, etc Julian is teaching me he'll take me as I am, just as long as I show up as fully as I can in that moment. And I am doing the same for him, taking him as he is, happy or grumpy and letting him show up in the moment. This will foster I hope and believe a loving supportive relationship for many years to come between he and I.

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

I am Mom enough

By now, most of you have probably seen and/or heard about the uproar a recent TIME magazine cover caused. It showed a woman breastfeeding her 3 year old son and the cover asked "Are You Mom Enough?" Underneath the headline it reads "Why attachment parenting drives some mothers to extremes - and how Dr. Bill Sears became their guru" Now I must admit, looking at the picture my eyes did get a little big and I did a double take not because a breast was on the cover or that a child was sucking on it - the picture caused me to question if I would do the same, breastfeed Julian when he was three. And this child on the cover was a large three year old - probably the size Julian may be since he is a big kid already. I think TIME intended to shock through their use of a bigger three year old, the fact that the kid is standing on a chair to reach his mom's breast, and their use of the words extremes and guru when talking about attachment parenting. They also did a good job of trying to create a Mommy war by asking "are you mom enough" Luckily I believe Moms are pretty united no matter what their parenting style and will stand by each other through thick and thin. The people that will argue over this cover most are the ones that have either never breastfed (men mainly) or the ones whom this photo instills a sense of fear within them. I catch myself sometimes being "that Mom" We were at the Arboretum for Mothers Day and I saw a mother giving her two younger children soda at the end of the day perhaps because it was all the vendors had left as they were sold out of lemonade, but there was still that part of me that went "soda to kids? and at 5 oclock? oh no! she shouldn't do that" I judge myself enough as a new Mom. I don't need others judging me. I certainly don't need to be judging them. We are all trying to do a good job, love our kids, raise them to be happy and independent, let them find their own unique gifts to this world. I don't subscribe to one type of parenting style. If you co sleep, cool. If you dont, cool. If you breastfeed, cool. If you don't, cool. Etc etc I am figuring out what works for me and my family. I knew I'd be committed to breastfeeding Julian to a year but had never thought past that mainly cause I knew people thought it to be "weird" and I kinda thought it a bit weird myself to be honest - before motherhood. Now I see my breastfeeding relationship with my son to be more than just a nutritional one. There's an intimacy, a connection that only he and I understand. There's times he nurses and he's in the zone - eyes closed, sighing and I know in that moment I am providing him a great comfort and not just a nutritional need. There's times he's nursing with eyes open and he's batting my boob (cause come on, it's a boob at that point when your kid is playing with it like it's a tennis ball!) kinda laughing with his eyes and smiling and I smile and laugh back. Boob as entertainment! This relationship will change as he gets older, as he starts to want to try solids and I'm sure he'll want to nurse less. I found myself anxious already thinking to that year mark because I knew Josh had indicated he supported me nursing for a year, but not after that. We argued about this one. Finally, I talked to him the other night without the emotional charge I had been bringing to the conversation and he said it's not that he thinks boom one year, no more nursing. He just said he thought that was a good time to start weaning. I felt relieved he understood it was a gradual process. I admitted I didn't know how long I'd nurse him but knew weaning would happen at some point - and wanted Julian to be a part of that decision. Being Mom enough means loving your child unconditionally. It means sacrifice. It means surrender. It means being brave. It involves all the nitty gritty details I could post in here but won't.. today. Perhaps one blog post will be that - a day in the life of a mom to a 2 month old! One of my students recently said that becoming a mother has made me more brave. And it has! I chanted to a packed room of students for the first time the other day - a little off key. I am giving up classes I adore because I feel being home with Julian for his bedtime is more important. I kept saying I must take yoga any time I am able to have a free night, weekend and instead I'm walking to get ice cream with my family, or taking a nap sometimes. My yoga practice is certainly on my mat but it's so much more off my mat these days. It's how can I be the best Mom even on those days I am dead tired and can barely muster a smile and there's this little angel smiling at me at 530am... it's how can I be the best partner when I can barely listen to what Josh is saying out of sheer exhaustion and we haven't had a moment just for us in weeks... it's how can I be the best teacher when I didn't get to take the cool workshop I wanted or I can't get to my favorite teachers class or I didn't have time to plan my music or write out my sequence... it's how I accomplish all those things that make me Mom enough. And that is by far the highest and truest form of yoga! It's something we all strive to do everyday - or those of us who are living the lives we love, loving the lives we live. And in honor of being brave, and in support of all breastfeeding mamas out there, I am going to share with you a piece of me and Julian. It's a photo I took of us breastfeeding in one of those serene moments. I honestly haven't shared this with anyone. Not even Josh. It's private. But it's a moment I'm willing to share to showcase bravery to you all - may you all be Mom enough, whether a mother or not!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

2 months

Julian is two months today. I have decided to be more committed to this blog, and my writing. I've decided to change the direction of the blog a bit, to write on yoga and motherhood, which would have happened anyway. How could it not? Julian has been the most influential person in my life to date. And he can't even talk... officially :) A mother's brain is a foggy brain. Or at least the mother of a 2 month old, as that's what I can speak to. In some ways, I feel more stupid than before in that I can't remember much of anything for long. I'm not as good a listener as I used to be. I'm easily distracted. There are two places these things don't apply most of the time - when I am with my son, when I am teaching yoga, when I am practicing yoga. I am working on having it apply in my relationship with Josh, and other friendships, relationships, areas of importance in my life. I've never had anyone need me so much and at the same time need me so little. As I sit her writing this, Julian is sound asleep upstairs in his pack n play bassinet. He's been sleeping on his own in there since birth, and now at longer stretches. Sometimes he wakes and coos and I go in but he isn't really looking for me but just enjoying his space. The fact that he needs me for food, for comfort at times, for a buddy to play and sing with and just hang with, and as someone to figure out what he needs without him being able to communicate it. This is what distracts me, keeps me thinking.. wondering.. am I getting it? Do I know my son like I think I do? And then he'll do something to show me it's not that hard, he doesn't need me as much as I think he does.. in the sense.. he's got it figured out. And I don't have to try so hard. He does this by seemingly having a schedule and then changing it up one day. Being his happy go lucky self and then fussy and crying for apparently no reason. I wonder what did I do. What does he need. And the next instant he's smiling. Or sleeping peacefully. My mind races through the day with is he eating enough, too little, too much, sleeping enough, did he nap, is he having enough wet diapers, is his poop looking weird, does that cough sound rattly, he isn't smiling as much today, is he extra fussy, etc etc And he'll remind me at some point during the day to just breathe, to slow it down, to realize I'm doing a good job. One of my friends said that to me today while we had lunch and I was breastfeeding him somewhat comfortably for the first time in public - not in a bathroom. She said it and there was this voice inside of me that said, thank god, I'm doing a good job! He can't tell me that. I know I'm doing the best I can yet apparently I don't truly KNOW otherwise I wouldn't need that validation. This is something I've never done before. Ever. And it involves a human being. That's scary! This is the hardest job I'll ever do and I am realizing it is a job that comes with no validation, guarantees, pats on the back, etc etc It's a job you do selflessly every day and seeing the growth of this beautiful being and having them in your life - that is the reward. I'm getting more comfortable with that. I think time is my friend. The more he grows into a happy healthy boy the more confident I am that I am doing something right. The more I'll KNOW, the less I'll need to be TOLD. So I suppose one of the greatest lessons Julian is teaching me thus far is compassion for myself, trust in myself. The realization I won't be perfect. He won't be a perfect baby. There will be awesome days, there will be rough days, but we'll still love each other. He may not be able to say it but the fact he smiles at me, is comforted when I hold him - let that be enough. Not trying so hard will give me that space to breathe. Just like on my mat. We have a better practice when we practice compassion because we are able to hold off on our postures a bit, meeting them with tenderness instead of strength and might, and being able to thus breathe into them more cause the effort is less. And that is strength in itself. A lesson I remind myself of everyday when I let that monkey mind run wild. So I hope my brain will allow my thoughts to come together a little more cohesively. But here's to a good beginning and I'm asking all of my blog writing friends to help me keep on top of this weekly endeavor!