2 months

Julian is two months today. I have decided to be more committed to this blog, and my writing. I've decided to change the direction of the blog a bit, to write on yoga and motherhood, which would have happened anyway. How could it not? Julian has been the most influential person in my life to date. And he can't even talk... officially :) A mother's brain is a foggy brain. Or at least the mother of a 2 month old, as that's what I can speak to. In some ways, I feel more stupid than before in that I can't remember much of anything for long. I'm not as good a listener as I used to be. I'm easily distracted. There are two places these things don't apply most of the time - when I am with my son, when I am teaching yoga, when I am practicing yoga. I am working on having it apply in my relationship with Josh, and other friendships, relationships, areas of importance in my life. I've never had anyone need me so much and at the same time need me so little. As I sit her writing this, Julian is sound asleep upstairs in his pack n play bassinet. He's been sleeping on his own in there since birth, and now at longer stretches. Sometimes he wakes and coos and I go in but he isn't really looking for me but just enjoying his space. The fact that he needs me for food, for comfort at times, for a buddy to play and sing with and just hang with, and as someone to figure out what he needs without him being able to communicate it. This is what distracts me, keeps me thinking.. wondering.. am I getting it? Do I know my son like I think I do? And then he'll do something to show me it's not that hard, he doesn't need me as much as I think he does.. in the sense.. he's got it figured out. And I don't have to try so hard. He does this by seemingly having a schedule and then changing it up one day. Being his happy go lucky self and then fussy and crying for apparently no reason. I wonder what did I do. What does he need. And the next instant he's smiling. Or sleeping peacefully. My mind races through the day with is he eating enough, too little, too much, sleeping enough, did he nap, is he having enough wet diapers, is his poop looking weird, does that cough sound rattly, he isn't smiling as much today, is he extra fussy, etc etc And he'll remind me at some point during the day to just breathe, to slow it down, to realize I'm doing a good job. One of my friends said that to me today while we had lunch and I was breastfeeding him somewhat comfortably for the first time in public - not in a bathroom. She said it and there was this voice inside of me that said, thank god, I'm doing a good job! He can't tell me that. I know I'm doing the best I can yet apparently I don't truly KNOW otherwise I wouldn't need that validation. This is something I've never done before. Ever. And it involves a human being. That's scary! This is the hardest job I'll ever do and I am realizing it is a job that comes with no validation, guarantees, pats on the back, etc etc It's a job you do selflessly every day and seeing the growth of this beautiful being and having them in your life - that is the reward. I'm getting more comfortable with that. I think time is my friend. The more he grows into a happy healthy boy the more confident I am that I am doing something right. The more I'll KNOW, the less I'll need to be TOLD. So I suppose one of the greatest lessons Julian is teaching me thus far is compassion for myself, trust in myself. The realization I won't be perfect. He won't be a perfect baby. There will be awesome days, there will be rough days, but we'll still love each other. He may not be able to say it but the fact he smiles at me, is comforted when I hold him - let that be enough. Not trying so hard will give me that space to breathe. Just like on my mat. We have a better practice when we practice compassion because we are able to hold off on our postures a bit, meeting them with tenderness instead of strength and might, and being able to thus breathe into them more cause the effort is less. And that is strength in itself. A lesson I remind myself of everyday when I let that monkey mind run wild. So I hope my brain will allow my thoughts to come together a little more cohesively. But here's to a good beginning and I'm asking all of my blog writing friends to help me keep on top of this weekly endeavor!