Saturday, May 18, 2013

Happy Mothers Day

Happy Mother's Day. Ah, the word mother. It conjures up different things for different people but I think it embodies qualities that exist on both sides of the coin - joy, pain, raw, tender, fierce, gentle, strong, weak. I think all of us should be grateful for our mothers. I don't say this because I am a mother. I say this because if we are grateful for our lives, and our ability to live and love as we choose, we should be grateful for our mothers. Without them, we wouldn't have had the initiation into this world. And we all choose our parents if you ask me. We choose them to learn some life lessons - tough ones at times. You could say you had a mother who did a great job, or you had a mother who did a terrible job, but we all had or have a mother who is doing the best job they know with the tools they've been given. I love being a mother. It is all I ever wanted, and more. I am discovering so many hidden gifts I didn't even know were possible. I loved my son from the moment I knew I was pregnant but my love for him has grown in leaps and bounds. When he was a newborn, there was constant demand and to be honest, I looked forward to a few hours away when I could take them! Now I still look forward to those few hours but I miss him so much more. He is a little person, with a personality, who gives me kisses and hugs, who tests my patience, who has an understanding greater than I ever thought possible for almost 15 months and who is so so happy and just in the mix of it all, loving and living life. He inspires me, he makes me laugh, he brightens my day and I value his presence in my life as the individual he is. That isn't to say we don't have our difficulties. We do. I'm able to look at them with more love these days. There's a me that's unfolding that's filled with so much grace these days. After the Boston bombings, I was so angry because of how vulnerable and raw and exposed I felt. I was so angry at the realization that this vulnerability also taps me into the truth that all I love, all whom I love, will be taken away from me someday. I will die or they will die. It fucking pissed me off to be honest. We know this to be true but do we ever really sit with it? We're always trying to grasp or push it away. Grasp in the sense of being needy, clingy suffocating those we love or pushing away in the sense of being aloof, distant, disconnected and cold to those we love. Now if we could just do neither of those things, and sit in the discomfort of this vulnerability, of the knowledge of everything changing, we would know gratitude. We would know happiness. We would know joy. And yes we'd know pain too. We'd know how these things exist side by side. I find myself in this in between place more and more and surprisingly not wanting to leave. This is the dream. When you wake up, you're dead. This phrase has been in my head a lot lately after reading this quote: "Whatever life takes away from you, let it go. When you surrender the past, you can live the dream that is happening right now." I am living an amazing dream. I have a beautiful son who fills my days with adventure and fun. This nice weather allows us to walk everywhere, discovering new people and places - we can walk to Davis Square, Union Square and about 6 or 7 playgrounds all within a mile or two! I have a fiance who is the man I have always dreamed of sharing my life with but wasn't sure he existed and here he is - in the flesh! I have yoga communities I love teaching and practicing in, I have friends I love sharing time with, I have a city I live in that takes me breath away and I have a wedding I am so excited for in September and a 3 month trip to India with my soon to be husband and son! Seriously, how fucking awesome is my life? I realize I have thought for a long time Ive practiced abundance but the truth is I was just scratching the surface. Real abundance is a complete faith in all being taken care of, in not wanting or needing anything more, in freely giving of what you have and another piece of it I am recognizing these days, in knowing when to say NO. I've been a yes, yes, yes girl and that's all good but when yes yes yes is not filling up my cup it's time to say no so I can create the space for that which nourishes me to come in. For love to flourish and grow. So I see my time ahead as one of less is more. Truly when someone asked me the other day what I did I told them I taught yoga, I liked to write but what I truly wanted to say to that question was "I am a mother" Cause to me, that is one hell of an important job and one that doesn't need any fillers or jargon to make it seem more important. Raising the next generation of members to this society, to this human race is damn important. If you ask me, the most important. My fiance gave me a beautiful card this mother's day that he made. It included a poem from Rumi that said Through love all that is bitter will be sweet Through love all that is copper will be gold Through love all dregs will turn to purest wine Through love all pain will turn to medicine A mother's love is the most special kind. Cherish it when you have it, nurture it in yourself if you are a mother, and if you don't have it, know that it exists and you can tap into it. It's a love that rests in that place of gratitude, of abundance, of knowing that this child, this child is more than enough. This child does not have to be anything more. Create that for yourself and you have felt the love of a mother.