It's been over a month since I've posted. I would usually attribute this to having too much end of the summer fun. That wasn't it for me this year. I had plenty of time to write but have been feeling lonely, uninspired, disconnected, and just overall blah. I read an article in the latest Yoga Journal this afternoon on experiencing major change and then sat down to meditate in what has been the longest time. It hit me like a ton of bricks pretty suddenly - I'm grieving.
I've always been someone who handles major changes in my life in such a way that I become scared, super emotional and almost unable to deal as the change approaches. Once the change has happened, I am fine. I adapt quickly.
Yoga has helped me to weather the change in my life with more grace but it doesn't stop the emotions of change from coming through. This pregnancy for me has not been one of physical complaints at all thus far, but it has been one of many emotions. I think when people ask how I'm doing I always figure they are asking about the physical stuff, but there's a whole other component too. And it's a component that you just can't talk that easily about in the min before or after yoga class. It's one that takes more processing time.
I don't think I ever realized how big a part grieving is when it comes to change in our lives. We get it when someone dies (and sometimes not even then), but we dont' seem to get it when it relates to other change, especially happy change, such as a baby being born. I don't believe I recognized grieving as an important part of the process of change until now. I would always say yeah this stinks, or it's a happy thing so it's intense but ok, or it hurts now, but will get better soon... I never gave myself permission to say I'm grieving the loss of THIS, however good the change may be, or in the past, however painful THIS has been.
Yes, I know I will carry parts of me into me as a mother, parts I love, parts I don't like so much. I will change yet remain the same. At this time though, I need to recognize loss. I will allow myself to grieve for the loss of my selfish, individual life I have loved so much. I will grieve for all the things I haven't done and now wonder if I ever will. I will grieve for my childhood, my early adulthood, the times of freedom and expression and discovery. I will grieve for things I can't put to words but feelings I can feel.
And then will come acceptance. Joy. Embrace.
