Monday, December 31, 2012

I am enough

Oh 2012. What a bitch of a year. The best and the worst of times. My very foundation shaken. Yet here I am, still standing, stronger, wiser, happier. I could reflect on the year and focus on the pain, the heartache or I could look back and say, thank you, thank you Universe for reminding me that playing it safe is not rewarded. Safe may not be the right word for you but it's what works for me. I was playing it safe in many areas of my life. I wasn't saying how I felt to those who mattered, I wasn't admitting my relationships with many close to me had been for some time dysfunctional. I was isolating, shutting down slowly. I felt disconnected from myself and others and I was. I wasn't truly loving or living. Becoming a parent for the first time can do this to you, though I recognize now some of the patterns that came up had been played out before, but they were simply brought to full view as a parent. When you become a parent, you become the most vulnerable you have ever been. You can decide to do two things with this. Shut down. Try to perfect your child, your life to make it completely safe - or presumably safe. Or you can embrace this vulnerability. You can live and love fully and find gratitude for this gift of your child, that yes, has been given to you. YOU. I don't believe Josh nor I knew how vulnerable having a child would make us. How can you? It's impossible to know until it happens. And for us we were unable to be vulnerable together, which is what we needed to coexist. So I became vulnerable alone. Very very vulnerable. And very very alone. And what I found was the greatest strength I have ever known and the greatest support system of friends and community near and far - a lot of which I never knew existed. I step into 2013 building a new foundation. I am not trying to fix anything as there's nothing to fix. I do get caught up in where am I going sometimes, not so much in relationships but in my work and life as I see so many around me doing such great things. I remind myself that teaching my 6 or classes a week, connecting whole heartedly with my students and loved ones and friends, and most importantly, being a wholehearted present grounded mother to Julian is very important work. From this place only love and light can follow. I've learned from my mistakes that it's very important to build a foundation - a strong sense of self - so that I can be a good parent, and if another relationship comes along, I can merge into that one already happy and whole. I am getting a lot of messages about where my focus needs to go. For a number of years now, I've seen the talk by Brene Brown on vulnerability from TED circling around but I never watched it. Saturday I was teaching speaking into what I've been learning and trying to live and a student after class said do you know Brene Browns book Daring Greatly? You should check it out. She was only in class for that Sat - just passing through - she gave me what I needed. Another regular student that day gave me a book on being Fearless. Last night I checked out the Brene Brown talk, another friend posted another longer interview with her last night when I shared the 20 min TED talk, and the baby and I listened to that this morning. I am hooked. I want to listen to these talks, every day of my life moving forward. For so many of us this year was a year of great change. Challenging often painful change. And such sad world events like the recent Newtown tragedy and the rape and murder of an Indian woman on a Delhi bus. The Universe is screaming for us to listen and as I can see from my own journey and the journey of those around me - we are listening. A higher spiritual consciousness is being born and I'm on board. I truly believe the foundation of our world is shifting and for those on board - we're going to be creating and doing amazing things. For those not on board, they will struggle, and we're going to have to watch them struggle. Perhaps I'm a bit presumptious, but it's what has been presented before me already. Back to Brene Brown - I wish I could quote her word for word because she eloquently states what I feel to be true but here it is in a nutshell - vulnerability is our birthright. A close friend of mine actually said that one but it's true - an infant is completely vulnerable. As Brene Brown would state - hardwired for struggle. Struggle comes in, mistakes may happen, and somehow somewhere we start to believe this false truth that we are no longer enough. We no longer deserve happiness and love and belonging. That is the farthest thing from the truth. We internalize this rather than rationalize it because our rational mind would say, that's crazy, I don't believe it. Yet deep down we do. We accumulate things, people, this, that anything to hide those feelings of being not enough - our shame as Brene Brown would call it, and I admit I have a hard time with that word, but I do believe we all have shame. Brene describes it well when she said it's shame, not ashamed. Big difference. We keep making the same mistakes playing out the same or similar patterns pushing down our own birthright of vulnerability, our ability to see and be seen, to know and be known. When all we want truly is that - to see and be seen, to known and be known, to feel that spark, that aliveness when we look in another's eyes and to feel it in our own hearts. I like you perhaps was a nonbeliever in many ways. I thought you open yourself up this much, but you certainly keep something hidden. You show it all you can get hurt! Whomever may not like it. My child is a good teacher that this is not the case. I show him it all - the sad, the angry, the silly, the happy, the many sides of mommy and he loves them all. I don't have to try to earn his love. My friend Pat Donaher posted on his blog Peace and Be Wild this beautiful quote by Ram Dass "You are loved just for being who you are, just for existing. You don't have to do anything to earn it. Your shortcomings, your lack of self-esteem, physical perfection, or social and economic status - none of that matters. This love is actually a part of you, it is always flowing through you. It's a subatomic texture of the Universe, the dark matter that connects you to everything. When you tune into that flow, you will feel it in your own heart. If I go to the place in myself that is love, and you go to the place in yourself that is love, we are together in love. The state of being love." I am enough. And so are you. I haven't believed this fully. I'm working on it. A recent comment by someone close to me when they said I can see exactly why Josh left you really struck a cord. It hurt. A lot. I think it was a mean comment, but more than that, it struck at this fundamental feeling within me of not being enough - of the girl who lost her man, the girl who couldn't keep a man. This deeply ingrained falsehood on how love is attained. Brene Brown spoke in a longer interview on the site On Being about vulnerability and the differences between men and women and how we play out dysfunction in our relationships to avoid stepping into vulnerability. She told this story of how after one of her book tours a couple came up afterward to have them sign her book. The woman went to leave but the man lingered and he asked Brene why her study at that time had focused on women. He said that men have shame too. He said that as women we want men to be vulnerable but we want them to stay up on their white horse. He asked Brene what would you really think if we fell off that white horse? That hit home for me. I want that vulnerability with a man but I also want strength. And for a long time I did not equate vulnerability with strength. That is no longer true. There's a difference between being a door mat and someone who is truly seen - that person is the source of their own power. Brene goes on to talk about these roles we play in a relationship that hold us back from being fully seen. One that resonated with me was the save me, or fix you syndrome. Seeking out someone to save you, to make you happy or whole, to tell you you are enough, or fixing another to make you feel happy whole and enough. Both of these leave us without our power. We essentially give our power to another - either by being saved, or by fixing. I've played both these roles numerous times - trying so hard to be perfect, to fit exactly what another person wanted, letting them fix me, and trying so hard to save another, to shape them into the man I knew they could be which is essentially just manipulating the person so that I'd have them under my thumb, have them as I wanted them to be, but not really letting them be who they were. Both are destructive patterns and leave both people unhappy. The pattern keeps playing out till one person says, I'm not happy. The pattern is either then realized through some time alone or played out again in another relationship. We don't need to be saved because we already are enough. We don't need to fix another because it's the work of realizing our own strength and showcasing our own vulnerability that will make us attractive. Fixing that in another or someone fixing it in us just isn't possible. I am in my own power these days. I am building my foundation. And I know one thing for whatever lies in the future. I want to see and be seen. I want to know and be known. And this does not mean perfecting anything - this means in simplest terms, letting it all hang out. Imperfections are what join us. Let's share ours together in 2013! I feel blessed to go into the New Year with some things to look forward to. Watching Julian grow, my new tattoo, skydiving for a friends birthday... and I know there will be so many more experiences and things to come which I don't even know about, and can't even fathom yet, and for those, I am MOST excited. Happy New Year and thanks for all the love and support this year my friends! xoxoxo

Monday, December 24, 2012

Winter Solstice

This past week has been a time of transformation. Did you feel the energy out there? The Universe is telling us it isn't messing around. These are serious times. I am listening. I have used Facebook and this blog as a way to process and communicate my journey. It has helped me, it has helped others. I feel I've crossed over to the other side. I am walking a transformed woman. I am living my strength. I have a voice. One of my close friends said it best. It's hard when you live as a silent person and then gain a voice. When you begin to rock the boat, all those in the boat get rocked with you. I have hurt some of those in the boat with me by being very candid with my interpretations. I don't regret it as it has helped many of you and was the process of finding my voice. Now that I have it, I can say what I feel directly to those I need to. It doesn't mean I will stop writing this blog, but the story aspect doesn't matter so much anymore. The who's who or play by play. These last 6 months have been a time of deep reflection and the Winter Solstice begins the return of the light. It is a time of manifestation and I am ready. Through reflection I have learned many things but mainly the truth is out there. It's clear as day if you pause and listen. I deserve to be happy. I come from a place of love. I am afraid of being this vulnerable. The recognition of that fear makes it ok. A friend I was visiting with recently said that he was drawn to SBY because of how honest the teachers and community are with their own struggles. Such communities are what we need more of in the world. There are no bad people. There are mistakes and people acting out of delusions rather than truth. Compassion is needed. I begin moving forward with manifestation and the first step is boundaries. I have been a person that has let things happen to me. I have walked on eggshells around many deciding my mood or my feelings based on theirs. Boundaries allow me to stay in my truth and to act or speak from it. Boundaries are crucial and essential for my journey forward. And boundaries don't mean keeping people out. On the contrary they mean to keep people in Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays all!

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

We are not safe

I was getting ready to write a new blog post probably about a week or so ago after I was inspired by my friend Michelle's blog post on her web site Find Your Balance - Why I'm Not Into Attachment Parenting. She spoke eloquently about how you think you are going to be a certain kind of parent, and then your child arrives, and you adjust to meet their and your needs together. Then the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary happened and I began to process what to take from the loss of 26 lives, 20 of them children just 6 and 7 years old. And somehow what I was going to write and what I am taking from this tragedy have come together. We are not safe. Tragedies on such a large and horrific scale as what happened at Sandy Hook remind us of this, as do the smaller tragedies - break ups, the loss of a loved one. Not that any one tragedy is less or more than another. All of them leave us with an unsettled feeling because our world, our existence as we know it individually and perhaps collectively is questioned. We feel unsafe because we are now exposed and raw and vulnerable. This is our natural state - the state a child is born into - but we've spent many years desensitizing ourselves to it and shutting down our ability to feel because we felt it kept us safe. We did this because at some point in our lives some event or perhaps a series of events was too traumatic for us to process so we shoved those emotions aside. We think of trauma to be an event as big as Sandy Hook. The fact is the trauma may not make sense to one person, may seem small or less than, but to the person who has experienced it it is big and has shaped who they are. The trauma has caused us to develop a certain way of living, a certain patterning in our lives - a dysfunctionality. We think its keeping us safe but it's not doing that at all. It's keeping us locked and shut down and unable to live and love fully. Do you ever notice though how many folks love a tragedy? I know people like that. I was one of them. The people who start every conversation with, guess who died? Or did you see such and such on the news? Or did you hear so and so has cancer? Yep, stage 4. Debbie downers I think they are called. I remember I would focus on such stories and used to watch so many shows about murder, crime, etc The First 48, Cold Case Files, etc. I used to tell myself it's just feeding the Jodie Foster in me, the girl who wanted to be a forensic psychologist (for like 20 min) but really it's feeding a dysfunction within me. I could watch episode after episode of this and I would just feed off of it wanting more. Perhaps you two have that show you get sucked into? I am not saying the getting sucked into is a bad thing if you know it's not making you feel depressed agitated or you are using it to avoid sitting with something. For me, these shows were a way to avoid emotions, to zone out in someone else's pain so I wouldn't have to feel my own. We are not safe. The irony is the acceptance of this will make us safe. We recognize we cannot protect our ego, nor our own story we are so attached to and we experience freedom. We are then free to be who we want to be, to let our mind relax because there is nothing to figure out, and we can just abide in the wonderful state of being. Of living. Of loving. We are not safe. We are raw and vulnerable. We are unprotected. There is no place that is safe - except out of the mind and into the heart, into the breath. We can't think our way there. I spent much of my life trying to make myself safe. This was my pattern. And I still see it coming out at times. It's been with me a long time. The fact is all that trying never made me feel safe. And life will throw curveballs into your face whether to you personally or in the world at large like Sandy Hook and remind you that yes, even YOU are not safe. My tendency when I would feel unsafe would be to do whatever I could immediately to feel safe. This would involve jumping from relationship to relationship usually, latching on to someone to feel secure. I was fairly promiscuous when I was younger so it wasn't always a relationship but sex. Sometimes just keeping myself so busy I was never just alone with my own thoughts. And for a time doing whatever I could to not be sober - smoking pot, drinking, doing drugs - experiencing life from an altered state. Also eating unhealthy - sweets and carbs to numb me and depress me further when vegetables in particularly and healthier foods triggered my metabolism and the churning of these stuck emotions. These last 4 or 5 months have been the longest I've spent alone, without a relationship, no sex - just me and my feelings and thoughts a lot of the time. None of my avoidances made me truly feel safe. None of it healed me or helped me to deal with the powerful emotions I was putting aside. So here I am a mother. Something about being a mother has made me finally accept that no, I am not safe. I will never be. I have this amazing child I love unconditionally - I don't even have to try, it just is there. Not that I had to try to love Josh when I was in a relationship with him but in many ways I realize I loved him safely - I wasn't completely vulnerable and honest in my thoughts, feelings as I have been with Julian. I don't want my patterns to be Julian's. I don't want dysfunction based around trauma that happened many years ago to be a part of my life now. I am no longer living that trauma. Julian as part of living in this world will I'm sure have his own trauma to sort out and if I've got mine sorted out I can be the mother he needs when he needs me. I've felt anger lately that I can't point toward a reason. It's an anger that's been there. I think it's a sign of a change and letting go that is happening as I recognize I'm not safe and let myself feel what I haven't felt. It's causing my relationships to shift. It's causing me to realize my own strength. Many of my friends and students ask about my blog, when am I writing again, and share that I have a gift. They say that I am stronger than I realize. I believe both of these things are true. This bad ass is becoming more bad ass! I've always said things but often without thinking, and from an emotionally ungrounded place. As I let myself feel what I need to feel, and I think finally because I am grounded in my emotions, where before I was not, I am going to have the confidence to speak what I have not spoken. And it may surprise people what they hear. There's some people in my life where this patterning has been playing out for some time now and that has to change. It's easier to say it on here than to say it in person. One thing I am becoming more comfortable speaking about is my role as a mother. I could easily tell you how hard it is, and complain about what I have to do, but instead I will tell you how it has made me strong and how I am doing the things I didn't think I'd be doing, but I'm a better parent for it. I thought I would wear my baby everywhere. Julian has been worn in the carrier a handful of times but not many. It's just easier and more natural to pick him up so I do that. I thought I'd never co sleep. We've been co sleeping since he was about 7 months. It's usually half the night in the crib half the night in the bed, but sometimes the full night in the bed with me. And some nights I would love the bed to myself but I'll admit I enjoy having him sleeping beside me and no I don't worry I am creating a habit I won't be able to break. I feed him whatever. Most days it's healthy but the other day he had some sugar cookie with m and ms in it and he loved it. I do not schedule him. We have somewhat of a routine but it's flexible and based on his cues - ie he's tired I try, for a nap, he doesn't go down, we do something else. Yes I've sat in the car if he fell asleep and waited to go into the grocery store so he could get a nap. I am still breastfeeding him on demand though it's less frequent these days and yes I still nurse him to sleep if that's what he wants. No I do not feel I am creating a kid who will never leave his mother's breast. I had thought I'd wean him at a year but to be honest, I don't know if that's when he'll be ready so again, I may be breastfeeding him longer than a year, he may stop next month. I am leaving it up to him and me. I have used TV to calm my kid down. It works when nothing else will. I have let him teethe on some things I know he shouldn't (like the ipod charger) but at that moment its what he really wants so be it. I haven't always told him consistently no with things but now he's definitely getting smarter so I do with the things I don't want him getting into. I am a parent who believes getting into things is a good way to explore though, so I let him make a huge mess with food. He wants to touch it all, mash it all, explore it all. I never gave him purees and offered him whatever he wanted that I was having from 7 months onward. I have had him around adults a lot, children too but he is very familiar with adults. I do not keep antibacterial wipes in my house, I wipe his snot on my shirt or take it off with my fingers sometimes, I take him to the store in clothes that may have dried quinoa or sweet potatoes on them, I have left him a locked running car sleeping while I run in to get coffee. I have very few parenting books in my house and if I do have them, I have probably not read them. We are not safe. So go on out there and drop your story, drop your patterning, drop your dysfunction and all the ways you've tried to protect and shield yourself from hurt and just say what you want to say, mean what you say you mean. Be honest. Be raw. Be vulnerable. Know every day you are not safe and see how it makes you life your life. And who knows, you may find that living with this knowledge has set you free. And here's an instant reminder folks - as I was posting this blog post I get a text from Josh in regards to me asking him to watch JJ so I can teach Thursday night. The text says Nice looking apartment would probably want us to move in Jan 1st. I text back, was that for *his girlfriends name* Answer yes, sorry mistext. I say so you two are moving in together and he says We are looking into it. Splitting rent. I call him up, I talk pretty honesty without getting too worked up telling him I want him to have a place for JJ and expressing my concerns to him as a friend about moving in so quickly and reminding him he finally has the opportunity to be on his own... in his own place... for the first time in his life. He lived in his parents house for a bit in between marriages but that was the house he grew up in. This could be HIS SPACE. I remember when I had my own.. in Rochester... 2002. One of the scariest thing I did in my life but best thing I ever did too. I had to ask... do you love her? He says I think I do. He's on his path, I'm on mine. Our son joins us. But I will tell you all... nothing is safe. Nothing. I'm a living testament to this. Everything I thought was safe in July is nowhere even freaking close to safe now. It hurts. I'm scared. I'm free. I trust all of this is for my highest and best and I'm living my way into it.

Monday, December 10, 2012

I own my mistakes

I am sitting in the Whole Foods parking lot typing out this blog in notes on my IPhone. Julian passed out in his car seat after an exciting couple hours at a new friends house while mama taught yoga. It's 230 and he's been up since 530 with maybe a 30 min cat nap around 9am so a mama has gotta do what a mama needs to do so her babe can sleep and she can get some real food into the house! I find myself embracing imperfection more. This fact that no I do not have it all together but that's fine. Confusion is clarity as my friend said today. She took a workshop where the teacher mentioned this and it makes such sense. It's only when we truly let it all go whether on our mat or off and we aren't sure where we are going but we know that we are on the path that things start to make sense. It's the imperfections, the journey itself, the day to day that matters more than the figuring it all out. Cause you know once we think we have it figured out life will throw a curveball to remind us we don't :) I had told a friend of mine last week that I'd take her dog out on Fri afternoon. Fri came, I taught yoga, I got busy with Julian, I'm heading out to my first yoga class in a week because Josh has been traveling and she calls - how's my puppy doing? Her dog is like her Julian if you know what I mean. And I found myself fumbling my words, starting to lie like I have witnessed people in my family do when they are caught so to speak, and then my mind goes "what the fuck? This is a good friend of mine" So I tell her I made a mistake. I completely forgot. No excuses. I forgot. I could tell she was of course upset. I kept apologizing perhaps too much but I felt awful! She made sure her dog was ok by calling another friend who lives nearby and then called me back to let me know and was very compassionate and kind saying it happens, people make mistakes. It happens. People make mistakes. Even me. I know this but I realize I have tried so hard not to make mistakes - and when I have caught other people in a mistake I have almost relished letting them know they messed up. Well at least the me before my life got turned upside down did these things. Getting caught in a mistake this past week was a perfect opportunity to see how perfectly flawed I am and that the amazing thing is people still love me for it. This friend is still my friend. I feel I've always thought that making a mistake means people won't love you anymore. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, and your role is the one who's "perfect" and that holds the family together, you deep down do believe that you messing up means the ruin of those around you and the loss of their love. Oh childhood. So in the past I would try to lie my way through mistakes, cover them up, hide them. I would try so hard not to make a mistake. Trying so hard made me feel so locked up in a way, walking on eggshells around my own emotions which is probably why I was so ungrounded in them when I did feel them. I wasn't able to just feel relaxed with who I am. I was more rigid and judgmental of myself and others and less passionate, creative, fun, spontaneous, sensual. It was great to make this small mistake. To know I will make many more. Especially as a parent. To know I am still loved. Realizing I am perfect in my imperfections as people say sets me free to have the life that I want. I don't have to settle because there's no shame around who I am - mistakes included - and when you aren't striving for perfect you can relax, intuition speaks louder, and divine guidance steps in. I am not religious, but yes, when you aren't striving for perfect you are connected with Spirit and this is an energy very much alive and very much a part of you. So to connect to it is to find and live your purpose. I am understanding that what serves me in a relationship is not just someone who is kind, loving, accepting, free - but someone who knows their emotions and can express them when the situation arises. I am done with dysfunction and games and living just outside and not at the heart of things. There's this book one of my teachers often refers to in yoga and I believe it's called Go In and In and yes, that's where I'm at now. I am recognizing that others aren't going to want to jump in like me and they may want to get their toes wet first and slowly work their way in and I am fine with that - as long as they are willing to go in. Those are the kind of people I need and want in my life. Life is too short for all the other bull shit. I will finally have the life I desire. And I have no idea what it looks like :)

Monday, December 3, 2012

Be And Be Not Afraid

It took stepping back on my mat and replenishing my cup last Sunday, but I was able to ground myself again after a turbulent holiday week. Unlike many other practices that work to change you from the outside in, yoga truly lets the work come from the inside out. I have been feeling a shift within me that began around the time of the Open House and my emotional breakdown after being with family was the denouement so to speak, and now comes the insight. I think above all - dysfunction cannot continue. It's hold on me is done - in the sense I refuse to step into those patterns of dysfunction anymore. It's clear mine has always been the fix it, make everyone happy pattern. It's now time to see what makes me happy. To be selfish, as Josh told me the other day. I have always thought myself to be a selfish person but in many ways I never have been. I have been selfish in never being grounded in my emotions and letting these emotions run the lives of others, and not just my own. I make my emotional turmoil theirs. I have not had my own emotional grounding. When a shift happens and you can feel the other side, there's always a fear of going back. You aren't even sure of where you've ended up but you know it's better than where you were. Yet I am noticing already that when these patterns of dysfunction do come up, I am more aware to recognize them, hopefully not play them out, or at least know when I am and stop. Now to do this when I see my family again is another story but we'll get there when we get there... There's something about our families and being around them that makes these patterns of dysfunction ring loudly. It makes sense - they are who've shaped us and who we've spent much of our developing lives with! Josh and I are becoming friends. It is something that is happening without my effort or his - or whatever effort is there is organic. It makes Julian happy to have his Dad around more and it makes me happy to not have a huge wall there between us. I feel emotionally grounded to do this. My mind wants to attach to where the friendship will go but the fact is, it's going... I'm on the train... the destination isn't so important anymore. I feel I am someone with nothing left to lose - as I've lost everything I thought kept me safe - and now I realize I was never safe to begin with. And that brings me freedom and allows me to be truly alive. My pattern in relationships has been to take on the responsibility of anothers happiness even though they never asked me to. I then lose sight of my own. With our son, I've always been the one to text Josh Julian did this, here's this picture, this video, etc etc especially when he's traveling. I did it as a way to connect to him but also because I felt bad he wasn't able to be with his son. I realize this is his choice - to not continue our relationship - which unfortunately means less time with Julian. If a moment comes up that's particularly funny endearing or of interest then sure, mention it, send the picture or the video. But do not be responsible for his happiness or make our son a way to connect to him. So today when he was away for work I did not text all day. Evening time was coming and I thought why hasn't he called, doesn't he want to talk to JJ, etc etc and sure enough he texted asking if JJ was still up, could we face time. And he was. He enjoyed some moments with his son and I admit I started to tell about our day when he didn't ask - perhaps to fill the moment - when it didn't need to be filled because we were both enjoying JJ being JJ. I am learning. When I can relax and not play out my patterns, I am free to think, to feel, to be as I wish and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about it. I am learning to play the guitar cause it's fun. I love the new sensation on my fingers and now almost a numbness that comes where the callouses are. I am searching for an artist to begin work on my 5th tattoo - biggest and boldest yet - something I've always wanted to do, and an artist I can have in years to come to integrate the work I already have done. While each tattoo represents a time in my life of importance and growth, they aren't a work of art. And I want them to be. I want to be a work of art! And not in a selfish way but as an offering of beauty. This is how I felt after this uplifting workshop with Les Leventhal this weekend. It was a backbending workshop and physically I did things I had not done before and fell on my head and it was exhilarating and liberating. I was so blissed out I lost my car in the Boston Common parking garage and had to ride around with the attendant in the golf cart to find it! Les at one point during an intense moment looked right at me and said "not so fierce" and there was this voice that said "but I am fierce!" Now he wasn't saying I was not fierce but my mind went there. There was this light bulb that went off that said I don't have to try to be fierce - I already am fierce! Just by showing up in my life with my an open heart. An open heart, vulnerability - that's fierce! I think for so long I have put on this face of fierceness, this warrior look - and yes I am a warrior, I've been to hell and back - but that doesn't have to define me anymore. I can relax and just be and those who like it will like it, those who don't don't matter. Les also talked about the practice of heart opening moving you into a place of selflessness. He talked about how when we see a homeless person we may give them a dollar (which I did not that long ago!) but what if we instead said - what do you need? Now that is scary! That is from a place of total love! The giving of a dollar is love but it makes us feel good in some ways more, right? Now we ask a person what they need - and we are making it about the other person, and we are just a vessel - thy will be done. We don't ask cause we are afraid that someone will actually need something and what if we can't give... or what if we can? Les made the point that asking doesn't mean we have to deliver - we can decide when they reply if it's within our means or not. I had mentioned how gratitude is something I am looking to practice more of. Well, so is this what do you need. I want to ask this more. I want to look people in the eye. I don't want to shy away. I have nothing left to lose and tons to give. I picked this Tracy Chapman song to learn on the guitar, Be and Be Not Afraid and the lyrics didn't hit me until I started to learn the song. I believe in mistakes and accidents That the nature of life is chaos and confusion That man's rules of law and order may not stand I should be and be not afraid to reach for heaven I may think that I know the true hearts needs My pride may bring me low, unable to see No closer than yesterday, but tomorrow I may stand Be and be not afraid, to reach for heaven

Sunday, November 25, 2012

A perfect mess

I swear sometimes I should just call this blog a shit storm. Just when I think I am grounded have got it figured out I'm firing on all cylinders, boom, I fall flat on my face. I was feeling great after my last blog post. I spent that week feeling so alive and connected with others and just having these great insights about my relationship with Josh. I felt resolved that I had figured out what I had learned from him and what I needed to put into practice - so much resolve that I felt completely ok with it all. I had my house warming party to look forward to this past weekend, my birthday, thanksgiving with my family. How quickly a week can change and leave me feeling emotionally ungrounded, sad, and just not wanting to be where I was. I've always been emotional. I thought this to be a strength of mine - to be in touch with my emotions, to know them, and to be able to see emotions in others. I think it is a strength - but a weakness too when I am not grounded in my emotions. This has been a great problem of mine - not being grounded in my emotions - for some time. It would come and go but always in a love relationship with another, I'd lose my footing at some point. I felt Josh was good for me in that he is a live and let live kind of person. He will tell you he's not very emotional which is true in a sense - but the fact is he does feel things very deeply but he doesn't express them always. Now me, I feel them, and I express them but in relationships often with drama and tears and feeling all over the place rather than grounded and clear. I feel this is what Josh has and was teaching me - how to be grounded in those emotions. Now here you have two people - one less emotional, but grounded in their emotions, another more emotional, and often ungrounded emotionally. You throw a baby into the mix and total chaos insues. I retreat further and further into myself, feeling unable to express my emotions clearly cause I am exhausted for one, and feeling so many different things all at once. I nit pick and nag expecting Josh to know what I am feeling or want or need without expressing it. Josh runs away because he's feeling emotionally ungrounded and there's no one there to ground him because I am all over the place. He can't express what he wants or needs either. We become very very alone when we need each other oh so much. And the relationship breaks and we're forced to learn how to be what we need to be in order to parent - to get what we need from ourselves rather than each other. Realizing all of this brought peace. I saw Josh this past Saturday as I got ready for my Open House and we shared an afternoon with the baby together and it was so nice. He sat with us in the kitchen while we had lunch, he played his guitar, the TV wasn't on constantly nor was he glued to his phone - he seemed to really take an interest. And we hung out on the porch and witnessed Julian climbing over the porch step together, for the first time. That was special. I was emotionally grounded during all of this - I felt strong and good. And then I had my Open House on Sunday and I had 30 or so people who came and Julian and I were surrounded by so much love. Then Monday comes. I am stuck in my head wondering what it all means - Josh taking an interest, being more present with us. I put pressure on myself about spending the holiday with the baby but without him. I make the holiday larger than life rather than just another day. I teach and am heading off to PA for Thanksgiving with the baby on my own, without Josh. I was emotional as he brought Julian to the studio after I taught and we both teared up as we said goodbye. I kept expecting something out of the movies were suddenly he's like, no I'm coming with you, but that didn't happen. I cried the whole way there - well the drive is about 6 hours so I didn't cry for the full 6 but I couldn't let go of this heaviness around my heart. Tuesday was my birthday and my parents took me out for lunch with the baby, I shopped a bit at my Mom's consignment store - it was really a lovely day. But no Josh. And Thanksgiving comes and a part of me is hoping he'll just show up at my parents house. But again, no Josh. And seeing my family wasn't a piece of cake to be honest. The baby brings so much joy to everyone. We witnessed him climbing up stairs for the first time. I took a video to send to Josh. Yet my family seemed to be falling into old patterns I thought had passed. I'm not responsible for their happiness nor do they claim me to be, but there is a part of me that does feel responsible. This is a role I took on as a child growing up in an alcoholic dysfunctional family - my actions keep the family together, bring happiness - that is what I learned. And being there this Thanksgiving, I had my brother who is dating a girl he's not truly happy with simply because he feels insecure. He admits this, yet he's willing to settle. My father who is unhappy his mother is living with them since Aug and keeps him from doing as often the things he moved to PA to do (fish, kayak with my mother, etc) drinks and isolates himself. My mother who is unhappy with having to do the majority of caregiving for my grandmother and misses being around her grandson throws her energy into the consignment shop she opened shortly before my grandmother moved in. And my Mom will joke with me and say I'm Dr. Phil and I do feel like that when I am home sometimes. I listen to the complaining and nitpicking and nagging my mother and father will often do to each other and about my Grandma, I'll listen to my brother talk about how he's always working, never making enough money, burning the candle at both ends... I love these people so much and they've always done what they could to help me and the baby. I want them to be happy so I offer suggestions, I try to offer a way out, knowing it's not up to me but to them, and deep down I feel they will continue to live unhappily because they don't feel they can choose different, and maybe they can't (move my grandmother out) but I am a firm firm believer in choosing your own situation and if you don't like it, deal with it, or choose something else. Advice I am trying to take! I come back on Friday emotionally drained and head off to Ray Lamantagne with a friend of mine who offered to take me. Amazing show. Any of you who know Ray Ray know he sings with such emotion. He sang this one song called A Lesson Learned which he said he couldn't sing for a long time on stage cause it was too close to home. I hear Josh singing this song and me being the one sung too... Well, the truth it fell so heavy Like a hammer through the room That I could choose another over her You always said I was an actor, baby Guess in truth you thought me just amateur That you never saw the signs That you never lost your grip Oh, come on now That's such a childish claim Now I wear the brand of traitor Don't it seem a bit absurd When it's clear I was so obviously framed When it's clear I was so obviously framed Now you act so surprised To hear what you already know And all you really had to do was ask I'd have told you straight away All those lies were truth And all that was false was fact Now you hold me close and hard But I was like a statue at most Refusing to acknowledge you'd been hurt Now you're clawing at my throat And you're crying all is lost But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt But your tears they felt so hot upon my shirt Well, the truth it fell so heavy Like a hammer through the room That I could choose another over her You always said I was an actor, baby Guess in truth you thought me just amateur Was it you who told me once Now looking back it seems surreal That all our mistakes are merely grist for the mill So why is it now after I had my fill Would you steal from me the sorrow that I've earned Shall we call this a lesson learned? Shall we call this a lesson learned? And I hear he spent Thanksgiving with his new girlfriend at her uncle's and she met his parents for a bit and I just lose it... I get stuck in my story of wanting somebody to please come save me, to take all this away to make me feel whole again instead of a bunch of shattered pieces...to just love me. I feel like a child again, a sad little girl, seeking out affection. And luckily for me Josh doesn't give in.. He didn't give me a gift from Julian to me for my birthday like he did last year. He didn't show up unexpectedly at my parents on Thanksgiving. There are no grand gestures no words to make it ok - he is not the knight in shining armor. I am left bruised and battered and feeling utterly helpless and consumed with my own pain, my own story, feeling so depleted. All the sweets and carbs and lack of yoga this past week didn't help either! I teach a lot this weekend. I let myself cry a lot. I let myself feel the nausea, the pain the utter sense of hopelesslness in my body. The feeling that all is lost. The sense of regret. Of realizing my own mistakes - of taking someone for granted and not being grateful for that relationship and putting the responsibility of my own happiness on them and having my own agenda and just never truly letting them see me and feel me and letting myself love them and them love me. Now I wasn't always this way with Josh but it did happen at some point. There's this little girl in me at 33 who is still waiting for someone to come save her, to take away her tears and her pain, to always keep her safe and you know, that knight is not coming. That childhood has ended. And I never truly believed all that psychoanalytical crap about mourning your inner child and all that, but I have found some truth to it. This being emotional ungrounded that comes with my love relationship and not being able to vocalize my feelings and resorting to crying and smothering and fear is doing me no good. I want this woman I've become to know and use her voice. To not just write but vocalize her truth. I was blessed to do a private today with three lovely ladies and afterward we are having tea and cookies - so sweet - and chatting. One of the ladies there tells a story about a bridal shower where the woman's family is from Mississippi (or some of them at least) and that the shower gift they are giving for the bridal shower is a bar of Zest soap wrapped up with a nice message on the front and just how tacky was that that it was Zest... and I don't say much - well the rest of us ladies don't say much - but we giggle and laugh a bit but I do say "at least it's an A for effort" cause inside I'm thinking man, at least this woman tried to pull something together, who cares if it's Zest really, I wouldn't... but I don't come out and say what I'm really feeling cause frankly I just met most of these ladies but also I don't know what they'd do with my different opinion and it's easier to just agree and nod my head but inside I'm like, I am so not that girl!! What am I doing!!! And this I realize is the girl who gets into relationships and plays it safe but is so much more interesting when she does not. I'm learning this but it's so hard to put into practice. So I come back to this email on Thanksgiving I received that is about gratitude. And it is making me believe that gratitude is the answer to my problems, the answer to this loss of self I mourn, the answer to what I want in the future - I am starting to believe that gratitude is ALWAYS the answer. Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow. So here's to my next year around the sun - a year of giving thanks for all that's come before, for all that I do have, for all that will come.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Press pause

Some weeks it seems the flood gates are just wide open and I get more than one blog post in a week because realizations are coming and I can't keep myself from writing. After I wrote my last blog post No Distractions on Monday, I was reading old blog posts and remembered I started this blog when I returned from India in 2009, right at the very beginning of my relationship with Josh - the first 6 months. Reading those posts showed a relationship in many ways vastly different in roles than it is now. I was the one feeling more insecure scared unable to trust while Josh was the one being more open. Or at least that was the perception then. And I feel right now I am the one wide open, vulnerable and raw, sad and blissful at the same time, not safe at all, and he is the one closed off to emotion, shut down, playing it safe. I was really struck by it all as I read and decided to call him after about 15 min or so of picking up the phone, putting it down. We see each other a few times or more a week cause of Julian, but we text to correspond and I haven't called him just to call him in.... I don't know how long. So I decided to do it cause I felt it was what I wanted to do. And he picked up. And I talked for about 15 min and he listened not saying much, and then said that he had to go, but if I wanted to talk again soon, we could. Saying that to a Scorpio is like turning on Niagara Falls! And if he knows me, which I feel he does, he knows this - I was hooked. I don't think he intended to be manipulative - but it was. He was unconsciously playing with my emotions by telling me I could talk to him which I desperately want to do - but also not opening up himself. I have a feeling he learned this well from someone very close to him. It has worked on me in our relationship and it was working yesterday and today. Till I paused. Yesterday was a day the Universe spoke loudly to me. About a month ago I was teaching at South Boston Yoga and a man and his traveling companion took my class. They were jovial nice yoga loving guys. He was visiting his son and grandson named Ananda in Boston. I wished them well. Here we are a month later and I'm visiting a friend of mine and her son in Davis Square. We sit with our babies next to a couple with their baby. Conversation strikes and we learn their son is named Ananda. I think this is too different of a name to be a coincidence so I ask, and sure enough it's his dad I met a month before. He calls his dad right then to tell him. We all continued to chat and connect and it turns out he and his partner have been on again off again since the birth of their child - struggling too. And I find out this guy grew up a few towns over from where I did, and the girl rowed crew as I did. So I invite them to this Open House I am having Sunday and as it turns out his Dad is in town and will come too! This guy is an artist who teaches yoga and art and meditation and I go on his web site, and he's been to India! So of course the mind wants to make a story out of all of this... Josh saying I could talk to him means this, this guy who loves yoga and meditation and who I can clearly see I'd have something to talk about and it would be so much easier to communicate with and who understands what it means to be a parent means this... After I emailed him inviting he and his partner and their child to the Open House and I'm waiting all day to see if he emails back wondering what will he say.... I'm thinking of Josh all day searching online about emotional repression, narcisistic mothers, scorpio capricorn astrology texting him about it and even thinking of being so bold to just text him "hey the baby is asleep. wanna fuck?" Excuse my french. I actually have my sex drive back post baby even with my lack of sleep but alas! And truly I just desire that connection so bad as much as I am afraid of going there with someone. I am being brutally honest here... Suddenly I'm like what the hell is going on? I pause, I breath and I reel myself back in. I read the Daily Om a friend sent to me yesterday which struck home when it said "There are people whose psychological problems prohibit them from having a long lasting relationship. These people are married to their pathology - their story. You chasing them will not break their defenses, resistances and impairment" Hello, wake up call. Truth be told I still love Josh so very much. Truth be told I want my family to be whole and intact so very much. Truth be told it can't happen unless Josh is emotionally available. I've done my work, I'm doing my work, and I'm just glad I have yoga and my community and the love and support around me to keep me in check. I may stumble, I may even falter a bit, but luckily it hasn't been too much of a detriment. I know I'm doing the best I can. Josh said when we talked on Tuesday he's simply trying to move forward. The truth is we don't have to try to move forward at all - life is happening. Julian is a beautiful reminder of that. Life moves forward without any action of ours at all. So the more we can sit and press pause and reflect on our feelings, our actions, our state of happiness or lack thereof, and then act accordingly, the better we will be for it.

Monday, November 12, 2012

No distractions

About a week or two ago, I decided it was time to get rid of as many distractions as I could that were keeping me from truly sitting with the emotions and thoughts that have been coming up for me. This decision came about after I was out driving on a Sunday morning with the baby to get groceries for the week and who do I see driving by me? Josh and his new girlfriend who I know. Ugh. Now I suppose I should have referred to him as my boyfriend or my ex months ago when he's been mentioned in here, but as you all know, I am not much of a private person, and he hasn't made a big stink about it, so Josh he remains. Anyway, I cried underneath my sunglasses on a gorgeous morning truly not caring who could see I was crying at this point, posted something about it on facebook, and my Mom called me and gave me a great reminder - that I had the best of Josh in Julian, and that really hit home for me. No matter what happened between us our son is the best of him and me. It was something about seeing the two of them together - the Universe giving me this great reminder that YES this is YOUR LIFE that I decided it was time to get rid of distractions. I unfriended him on facebook that day. He doesn't post much on facebook but when I'd get on there on my iphone I'd check his profile and see if there was anything new, and then I'd search for his new girlfriend, who I am not friends with on FB but I know, and then just seeing her would make me want to puke... you know the drill :) I also took the facebook application completely off my smart phone because I felt I was using facebook as a way to communicate with him and with others, without truly communicating, if you know what I mean? It's much easier to say something on Facebook than it is in person! It's much easier to text or email than it is to talk face to face or call on the phone. Facebook has been a huge source of comfort for me during this time of great change but I'm at a more grounded place now where I feel I need to process all of what's coming up and truly communicate with myself first, and then with others. This blog also has been a huge outlet for me during this but I feel continuing to write here, helps others, and there's no hidden agenda like there could be by posting or going onto facebook. So how has my life changed since no facebook? My hands hurt less! LOL I was glued to it on my phone and now my phone may still be nearby but I play music a lot more. I dance more. I interact with my son more. I am happier. I am discovering things I've wanted to do for a long time - like learn to play guitar. I went and bought myself expensive sexy bra and underwear for my upcoming birthday because even though I have no one to wear it for I'm wearing it for myself! That's a whole other blog post in itself... to be continued... I printed pictures I've wanted to for a long time and bought frames and hung them and feel so happy every time I see them! I'm finding I'm still connected with those that matter even without FB and even more connected actually. Life is happening and I'm IN it rather than trying to just capture it or observe it. No distractions has caused me to understand the feeling of truly missing someone. I was teaching the other day and I wasn't sad or thinking about Josh in particular but all of a sudden it was like BOOM I miss him. My emotions are becoming much more clearer. I also cut out all (well most) of my trips to the Portuguese and Brazilian bakery and more than one cup a day coffee because yes those too are distractions. I am watching for when I am treating myself because I am being good to myself and I am treating myself so I can push or shove an emotion down. I'm getting a better understanding of what I want though I don't know entirely. I am realizing I am still very much a passionate woman - she has not been lost - and I'm sharing that with those around me. I am understanding that I've had this tendency to stop being myself in relationships and that needs to stop. I'm understanding I have this great fear of failure but that isn't going to stop me from trying. I think I always tried to eliminate the fear - it can't be eliminated but by acknowledging it and still trying I'm giving it voice and living with courage. So that's what no distractions as been bringing. Keep it coming!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Pain is a good teacher

"My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding" I have this passage from The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran on my fridge. It was first introduced to me about 5 years ago during a Compassionate Teaching workshop with Sue Jones. Coincidently I was assisting one of these workshops the day Josh and I went on our first date. This passage resonated with me then but I don't think I fully grasped its meaning until recently. It's been 3 months since I've been broken up from Josh, two of them living alone in this new space. This is the longest time in awhile, years, that I've gone without a relationship or dating or sex or just some connection on that level. In the past I'd try to have a distraction while I eased out of one relationship in search of another. There are no distractions this time. When you first ease out of a relationship, especially if you are the one who wasn't intending on it ending, your emotions are all over the place. I was a mess that first month, just trying to hold on. I was resisting what I saw before me as my life and just wanted to go back to what felt safe, even if I knew it was dysfunctional. Change doesn't stop for anyone though, so things kept shifting till there was a solid break. Acceptance began to set in once I began to see that yes, this was my life, no getting around it. With acceptance comes strength and courage and bravery - and a connection back to self. That's where I'm at now. It's a good place. It's also a very painful place - I think more painful than the initial realization that things are changing. My friends will often say Josh is such an asshole, you deserve better, you can meet someone who appreciates you, etc etc This may be true. The grass is always greener on the other side - until you get to the other side. I'm not saying this means I should hope for Josh and I to get back together. I am saying that I understand he is a person on his own journey and none of his actions toward me were malicious. Byron Katie has said that when you accuse or blame another person for something you believe they did to turn it around on yourself - ie You don't listen, becomes I don't listen. You were emotionally unavailable, becomes I was emotionally unavailable. This is hard work but it's helped me to see where I've made mistakes. It's helped me to let go of anger, to honor my hurt. It's caused me to really sit with my pain. My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding. I have taken this to mean that without such pain I've never known love. The pain I am feeling now is like a dull ache that is just always there - sometimes I am sitting right in it, other times I am aware it's there but can distract from it. It's not sharp or shooting. That sharp shooting pain is really the pain of resistance, non acceptance. It doesn't last. This pain lasts - for how long, possibly forever. It seems the ache might lessen over time but not go away completely. It's a pain in which I am able to recognize that I loved another, perhaps not well, but completely. That's an understanding that I did need. So if anything, I take that away. This is also an understanding that comes with being a mother. Julian has been moving everywhere these days, getting bruises, bumps, falls... and I realize the importance even more so of being fully present with him. I find myself more frustrated these days and this frustration is really my realization I can't keep him safe. And that dull ache comes back and the pain sets in amongst this intense joy around his curiosity and independence and fearlessness and I realize - this is love. I do know love after all. I know it very well. My pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses my understanding.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

The guilt trap

This weekend was lovely! I was able to have some babe free mama time celebrating a friends 40th on Saturday and seeing the Cantata Singers at the Longy School of Music. At the friends 40th, I was surrounded with so many people I would not have met, if it had not been for Josh. I met them through the aikido community. And here they were, my friends, and Josh was not there celebrating. Nor was the girl he is seeing who is part of this community. It was only as awkward as I allowed it to be. Clearly some people weren't quite sure how to act around me, but most treated me like their friend, and not some person who needed their pity. I went to a concert at the Longy School Sunday one of my yoga students was in and this was so a new experience for me. I was surrounded by people who were more educated than me in the academic sense - I know virtually nothing about classical music. Yet here I was listening to these soloist for the most part (at times they would sing together) singing in their soprano, tenor, barritone voices. And it was beautiful! The beauty for me lay in how they were sharing their gift with an audience - not shying away from their own light. They were connected to Spirit - whatever we conceive that to be - but it's that moment that when connected we shine and we are just being, rather than thinking our way through or feeding our egos. I was humbled by their courage and bravery, though for some it may be easier to stand up there and shine, but for many of us, we are afraid of our own light. Marianne Williamson says that's what scares us the most - our own light, not our darkness. All of this brought me back to guilt which I've been thinking a lot about lately. I honestly can't think of much I harbor guilt around these days, but I do remember a time I felt extremely guilty. Guilt is beneficial in that it allows us to recognize our mistakes, but it becomes an act of self hatred when we act out of guilt, rather than doing what we truly want. We punish ourselves by acting out of guilt over and over. We don't discover our unique gifts or learn to act out of joy because of this. We have a hard time letting go of the guilt because the guilt is such a big part of our story, our past - who we define ourselves to be. It may even go deeper than that and the guilt is associated with this belief that we are a bad seed - not entitled to happiness or joy. A belief that was placed upon us when we were very young and unknowingly we let this belief become our own. We act on it thinking this is what we must do and instead not realizing we have a choice to believe something different! What an awful cycle. Acting out of guilt does not help anyone - certainly not yourself. Acting out of guilt is closely related to one I identify with - the acting to be nice or wanting to be perceived as nice. This, like acting of guilt, is done with the intention of trying to get something back. It may not be literally getting something back from the person you are performing the action to - but in the sense by acting out of guilt, you do something nice, you feel less guilty. It only lasts a short while and then you must do it again. As for acting to be nice, we are hoping the other person will take our actions as reason to give us what we want - usually their love. At the party I was at this weekend, a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend said "but she's so nice!" and I said that's not a reason to date someone! Unfortunately I think Josh and I fell into this pattern and are continuing to play it out, though I'm much more aware of it than I used to be. When we first split, I found myself doing many nice things for him (and still do) because deep down I wanted him to love me again. Him loving me meant I was safe, which is often the end goal of someone acting out of being nice - to create that safe feeling. But he ended up seeing someone new and I'm thinking, why the hell was I being nice? Now, I don't want to be mean. But do I have to be nice? I'm no longer that girl who would make a scene because frankly while what he has done and is doing seems wrong to me and many others, he is a human being on his journey like I am, so respect he's doing the best he can and I know he isn't hurting me maliciously. Many people don't understand this and want to say "what an awful guy" and I get it - you are my friends, you love me. I'd want to stand up for my friends too. Yet I have been where he has been - I've been the person making mistakes, hurting others, screwing up. I just don't share those stories but if you wanna know, I'll tell you. I've hurt many people and done some major screwing up! I think it comes back to the guilt trap though. When I was feeling guilty about all these things and living in a pattern of self loathing and hatred for myself, these mistakes were all I'd focus on. And I acted out of guilt all the time - which got me into more bad relationships and situations and hurting more people. Vicious cycle! It stopped when I took responsibility for my actions and all that I had done. It stopped when I was able to say what has been done has been done. It stopped when I chose to believe something different about myself - I am not a bad seed, I deserve and can give love. It stopped when I became more compassionate to myself. It stopped when I faced my issues. And this allowed me to truly see what I wanted - and what I wanted could be mine. It allowed me to move forward with grace and dignity. Guilt is such a heavy burden to bear! Josh has been doing a lot of stuff to take care of me and Julian - financially, things we need from store, fixing things, etc etc But emotionally he has not been there. I get the sense he is acting out of guilt though he has not told me he is. I don't know if it's guilt around our situation or guilt from his previous relationships, or even childhood. It's probably both. But him acting out of guilt, if I am correct, makes me feel icky to be matter of fact. I wish he'd act out of what he truly wants. And maybe he is doing what he truly wants. I just don't know. If he is acting out of guilt I feel pity toward him. I remember what a burden guilt was for me to bear. So I want to do something nice to make him feel better, to fix it. I think I was doing it originally to win him back so to speak, but now I just want to stop his hurting. Yet when I do something nice it probably just makes him feel more guilty. What a pattern! So I am trying to be as conscious in my interactions with him but it is super super hard. I'm trying to not be nice all the time, but as I said I don't feel like being mean, so what do I be? Just me. And sometimes I am just thoughtful and that's ok. I'm trying to find that middle ground. And then perhaps this pattern will break and we'll be where we need to be. I find the pattern doesn't show up as much when I am not in a relationship but it's a pattern that has been very common to many of my relationships. So it's time to end the guilt trap, the being nice trap and just get to what I really want or believe or feel - and just plain do it and say it!

Thursday, October 18, 2012

I am a single Mom

Single Mom. When I heard that word I thought of Jerry Springer to be honest. Women who have children whose fathers are not in the picture. Women who are loud and foul mouthed. Women who sleep around. I don't consider myself any of those things. Yet I am a single Mom. Josh would get defensive when I would tell him I felt like a single Mom. He'd say, I'm here, I watch JJ, I pay the bills, I help if you ask. All of that is true. What is missing, and has been missing for some time is the emotional support. I am definitely on my own when it comes to that. And frankly so is Josh. I thought we'd have each other to reach out to but that has not been the case. I began to find the emotional support elsewhere - in my yoga community, my friends, my family, other moms and dads. I don't feel alone anymore. I told my mother the other day I believe this whole situation happened for me and she laughed, but it's true. If this situation did not happen, I'd still feel emotionally unsupported and alone. What I remember about the summer is Julian and I holed up in my tiny apt in the bedroom. Now that all of this has happened, I feel emotionally free. Julian and I are thriving in our new space and creating many memories already and I've been having a Fall I'll remember. Josh told me last week he is seeing someone at his dojo who I know. It was another blow I wasn't expecting. Yet once I had time to process it, it made complete sense why they would be together right now, and why he and I are not. It also gave me the space to realize that while I may be financially tied to him currently, I don't have to be emotionally tied. I was recognizing it hurt more to see him than to not see him, and that I needed to take action for myself to heal even if that meant he would see his son less. I think during this whole situation I've catered to Josh and what Josh needed - I knew Julian was a great source of comfort and joy for him. I didn't really check in with what I needed. Well, him saying he was seeing someone caused me to do that. I've reached out to others to watch Julian so I can teach or take a yoga class and not surprisingly people have offered. I don't have to rely on Josh to do something without the baby as I once did. One of my friends said when I told her I couldn't pay her that she simply enjoyed being a part of our family and watching Julian grow. How blessed am I to have friends like that? I am not having to rely on Josh as much and it feels good. Then when he sees Julian it's a choice he's making rather than me saying "I need you to watch him" The financial piece will be slow to come as we both value my role as a mother and full time caregiver to Julian, but I've been subbing and looking at picking up more classes nearby. I am feeling really good about where I'm at despite my circumstances and the uncertainty of the future. Emotionally I am in a very good place. Do I still hurt? Of course! I hear a song, or visit a restaurant we'd go to, or see a picture of us, or remember a time we had fun together and my heart aches. I feel the emotion, I cry if I need to, and then I come back to the present, my reality, and the joy that exists there. I don't believe there can be great joy without great sadness and the two are coexisting for me right now. Truly they always are because that is one thing we parents who are emotionally in it get - the joy and sadness side by side. Day by day. I've never spent so much time as I am right now enjoying my life - cooking tons, sitting on my porch with Julian on a sunny afternoon, dancing with him around the apt, going for long walks, having people over, connecting.... connecting.... connecting! And Julian is so my buddy... we just know each other as two people who spend a lot of time together do. He is becoming such a loving independent high energy funny and joyful boy. I get upset when people tell me Julian is yours, he looks like you etc etc as if that will make me feel better or even matter. Julian has a Dad and I don't mind at all if I see Josh in him. Julian chose us as his parents and if he did, there's something to be said for that when I see how amazing he is. I know for myself there's a light in Josh that even if no one else saw it, I did. I don't think it's gone. But it's not up for me to find it or shine it again. I do hope he lets Julian see it. Julian needs a father. Yes a grounded Mom like myself is setting a good foundation but there's things a boy can learn from his father and which I hope Josh is ready to teach him. As for Josh and I, there is an us in that we will always be Julian's parents but the us is very different from what it was before. Do I still believe in love? You bet. I have no regrets for all my experiences brought me to right where I am today. I wouldn't change a thing, really. :)

Monday, October 1, 2012

Embracing uncertainty

Hello October! It's been one month since we've moved and we are thriving! Julian is cutting his first tooth this week, scooting all over, doing downward dogs and other yogi poses, babbling and eating solids and I'm happy and blessed. I don't know where Josh and I are going. Some days I feel and think this could work out and other days I don't think so. The fact is we are going somewhere - and only time will give more definition to what it looks like. I am happy that most of my friends don't ask and rather wait for me to talk about it if I want to - I can be with them and we can talk about the baby, teaching, a movie I saw, what I did this weekend, etc etc My mother is honestly the one who asks the most but it worries her this uncertainty, and I can understand. I have a child too and it would probably worry me. I've come to find though that I am actually starting to LIKE this uncertainty, this I don't know that is my life right now. Before this situation came about I thought my life would look a certain way. I was comfortable, happy enough, living, but not thriving. I was safe and now I am not safe. I am completely vulnerable. I like being in this place though because every day is a world of possibility. I feel I am connecting more, seeing people more, hearing people more. I am loving more deeply and living more deeply. Saying I don't know takes me out of my head, takes me out of the need to mask my feelings, to put on a happy face when I'm not happy, to try so hard. I feel I can be myself again, and really enjoy me, and figure out just what I want right now. This uncertainty has caused me to be a better mother, a better teacher, a better human. I would always say, you just don't know where life is going to take you, so live each moment, but now I do know - you just don't know! Julian is growing so fast but I feel I am enjoying each and every blissful moment. Yes, I was a bit sad when I felt that first tooth coming through but I was more excited. Here I am witnessing these milestones, and they will be with me forever. I can tell already that I will look at him when he is a man and remember these blissful moments, and I look forward to telling them to him. I am sad that Josh is not around more to share them with me, but I do feel we've shared some of them together. It has been more of a separate journey though as we each step into our roles of mother and father. I feel each of us is at our best when with our son because he brings out this amazing vulnerability and love within us. We recognize that our time with him is uncertain, that our love will only continue to grow, and that all we can really do is let go and enjoy the ride. Hold onto nothing. And embrace everything. Being a mother has made me realize I can only deal now with emotionally available people. I'm done with the games and the drama and the bull shit and I just want to be real and connect. Put down the masks folks. I think when Julian was first born we were both holding on so tight as parents, going through the motion, not embracing fully this love he's given us. And I know for me at least I'm embracing it - it's scary but it's too hard not to. And this love makes me more human and raw and messy and vulnerable than I ever thought possible. But it's ok. Every moment I spend with Julian tells me it's ok. Because he's every bit as raw and vulnerable and messy and loving it. I don't want to see that ever change about him and I am so grateful he has allowed me to be that way again. And now that I'm here I can't go back. There's only moving forward, and whomever is walking with me on that path. There's no doubt Julian will be there so at least I have a buddy!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Motivated by love

It's been two weeks we've been in this new space. It feels like home though there are still things to do - curtains, plants, hanging pictures, etc. My students remind me it will always be a work in progress - just as I am. How true this is! I've been yearning to be in the space, and have people over. I've been out more than I am used to these past two weekends and while it's good as it's given me a chance to socialize and Josh a chance to be with Julian, I miss just being able to hang at home and have nothing to do. When I've been out people have said how well I am handling the separation between Josh and I, and I suppose it's true. I think when something is happening that you don't want to be happening, as time goes on you have acceptance around it even if it's not what you want. My yoga practice has taught me this lesson - to surrender to the things we can't control. And obviously we can't control other people, just our own actions. Believe me - there have been many tears MANY and I still have days I am sad and lonely. I have found that focusing on my many blessings and practicing gratitude helps me to heal and be the best I can be, and to stay focused on the NOW. Clearly I have no idea what my future looks like as what I thought it would be has crumbled. So it takes shape daily. I can sense things are shifting but I don't know where. I am reminded of my favorite poet Rainer Maria Rilke and his quote "my eyes already touch the sunny hill, going far ahead of the road I have begun. and we are grasped by what we cannot grasp. it has its inner light, even from a distance, and changes us, even if we do not reach it, into something else, which hardly sensing it, we already are. a gesture waves us on answering our own wave, but what we feel is the wind in our faces" As I sit to write this post this evening, I have a draft from another post a week or so ago where I talk about being motivated by love. That's where some of my work lies. It's clear the more time I've had alone to process where my life has brought me that I've been motivated by fear. This fear has caused me to have no clear understanding of what I truly want. As a little girl I would be so scared of thunderstorms, hiding under blankets Last week thunder storms came through during an awesome yoga practice and I felt such peace - so at home in my body. I talked to a student afterward about an amazing new endeavor she was undertaking - she spoke of taking her time to make decisions even though people around her were getting frustrated as she wanted to be sure she was doing what she wanted. I mentioned to those I was with as we waited for rain to let up not being afraid of rain - but lightening - as I parked my car about 5 min away. And then I just said, I'm going to go, and I started walking. And I was blissfully happy as it rained, as lightening pierced sky around me - how awesome to just take action! I have been motivated by fear for so long and I want to be motivated by love. Kate G. spoke in class recently of how everything is born of love - anger, sadness, frustration - even this fear! I can trace it back to love and when I do I am free. I woke up early after a night of being sick this week with a stomach thing and I saw a gorgeous sunrise from the new place and my first thought was once we recognize we are love, we are never alone. I think I've been afraid to be alone to trust my ability to hold the space around me and not have to fill it up. Josh always said I've done this with him - talk to just talk - and it's true, I do, with him and I've noticed with others too. It's harder to not just talk to talk with Josh because it's awkward between us but I also think what comes out of my mouth will be more meaningful and I won't be striving to fill up the space to push down feelings and fear that are coming up. I can instead sit with what comes up and recognize I am love. I can do this with my students and teach more meaningful classes and I can have more meaningful interactions with those I meet. There's a light within me, behind these eyes, and it's dancing. I understand I may have to be a single Mom - i know I'll have the support of Josh financially but on an emotional and spiritual level as a parent I'll be on my own. I also realize I can ask for help. I was looking at my old yoga notes from TT in 2006/7 and noticed how it said one of my weaknesses I felt was that i don't ask for help. It's true, I don't. I've always been someone who just does it - something needs to be done, I do it. It's hard for me to understand people who need to be told what to do. This will get interesting with a child :) At the same time, there's times I feel i could use a hug, a friend to talk to, etc etc and I don't ask it. I wait and see if it is offered, and even then, don't always take it. It's not that I take pleasure in doing it all by myself. I guess in some ways it makes me feel accomplished capable but I can feel tired, sad, lonely without help. I don't think I asked for Josh's help enough and just assumed he'd pitch in, see what was needed - that was bad communication. I'm attempting to be better about reaching out for help - calling friends to talk to, inviting them over to chat over tea, having someone watch the baby so I can get out, etc It's difficult. There is a fear there - I guess of letting go of control? It feels safe to have that control. Fear feels safe but it doesn't let me thrive and live fully. Ive never really just done what i wanted - or even figured that out i guess. My gut tells me one thing and then my mind goes, nope, and I do that and it doesn't feel right cause my mind is trumping my intuition. I have agonized over what to buy for this apartment - simple things! I was picking out new couch pillows and I really liked the kinda bright green but was going to go with the blue cause it's not so flashy and then I just bought the green cause finally I said, no, it's what I like and it's not that flashy anyway ;) And a shower curtain - i bought this one that was ok, but kinda safe and boring when I really wanted this gold one. I went back to target today and there was another safe one in yellow, but no gold in yet and I'm holding out for it! I think I've always been afraid to say what I want because it brings up fear around people leaving or not liking me. How silly - not to like someone because they disagree with you. Who would want to be friends with them anyway? And as for people leaving me, I'm never alone when i recognize I am love. Love will always find me. My love for you is stronger than the strongest oak It pains me and strengthens me There is an understanding beneath our stories That binds us together It is not broken I had a beautiful dream about you where you said you fell in love with me all over as I became Mother I became strength and beauty in your eyes Your willingness to feel gave me wings You embody Father with your heart on your sleeve You are calm confidence and a warm smile

Monday, September 3, 2012

Everything must die in order to be reborn

We moved! We survived! I had thought moving with an almost 6 month old would be incredibly difficult, but it wasn't too bad. Julian is such a good teacher. He has always been easy going - happy in the old apt, happy there as chaos unfolded and we began to move bigger stuff out on Friday, happy in the new place with so much more space, and happy as everything is still a mess but slowly coming together. I tried to move a lot of the little stuff last week while Josh was away in VT, and on Friday and Saturday Josh took 5 trips in a van to move the bigger stuff while I watched the baby. Moving is physically exhausting but it's also mentally and emotionally exhausting too. I could tell we'd all outgrown our old space and needed something different. At the same time it's hard to let go of what is familiar, even if it's unhealthy. This new place is a ton of space for me and the baby, even for me the baby and Josh when he is here, but it's just what we need. I can breathe again. The week leading up to the move I couldn't stop crying. Now that I have space and can breathe again I'm slowly processing all the signs the Universe has been sending me and I am starting to have acceptance around the fact that everything must die in order to be reborn - or at least that's what the Universe seems to be telling me. This break or separation between Josh and I needed to happen. Julian's arrival - but truly his presence in my womb, even before he arrived in this world - shifted the energy between he and I and like when a fault splits and an earth quake happens, that began to happen to us. When we finally talked about it and he mentioned a separation rather than trying to fix the situation, I was thrown for a loop. I so wanted to just put a band aid on the situation. I don't think I could see anything else or get a clear perspective because I had been living in that energy in that apartment for so long. The week leading up to the move I was so so sad. I couldn't stop crying and just wished Josh was moving in with us as our happy little family but wishing wasn't making it happen. I just wanted to say something or him say something and boom, it's fixed. It didn't happen. Sue Jones, a lovely yogi mother and friend of mine posted on her Facebook "All things end" and this voice inside me said NOOOOO they just change, shift, but they don't end. The day of the move on Friday we waited for a funeral procession at a light as we went to pick up the van. Josh texted a pic of a black cat that just walked into our old apartment as he was loading stuff up in the van. There was a beautiful full moon the night we moved and Julian was also born on the night of a gorgeous full moon. I thought of the story of a good friend of ours who when her daughter was born years ago, split from her husband and when they got remarried 8 years later she spoke of how it was like who they were before was dead - was gone. All of these signs pointing to death, to things ending, to shifts and change. It was impossible to ignore. On Saturday after mostly everything was over I took one last ride to the old apt by myself, empty now, to do one last cleaning. As I cleaned the apartment, I thought of all the memories. I could be sad but I didn't want the energy of regret, of loss and instead began to say thank you. Thank you for when I moved in 2007 and needed space after a break up. Thank you for keeping a roof over my head while I quit my job and began teaching yoga full time. Thank you for being a part of meeting Josh and falling head over heels in love. Thank you for being the place Julian was conceived, where he spent his first months as a newborn. I cleaned the space saying thank you and leaving it with good energy for whoever crosses the threshold next. We will always be in that place - because we hold those memories close to our heart, whether happy or sad. Physically we can't erase all of our DNA and believe me when you have a baby, you leave a lot of it wherever you live in the form of breastmilk poop and pee! So as I embrace this new space and fall in love with it and my new neighborhood I trust that someday when I leave here I'll be saying thank you as well. I am trusting that being here requires the death and breaking of whatever was before. Julian himself is not the same baby he was in the old apt and Josh and I aren't the same people either. I am realizing now that we need to start from the beginning. We need to look into each others eyes and see each other - separate from our story. The story before we met, the story of how we met, the story of how we ended. If we can do that, we can move forward. It doesn't mean we forget but we don't stay stuck there. If Julian asks someday, I'll tell him it was a challenging time. I'll also tell him these are the times character is discovered - masks are dropped - and you get down to what is real. This is the unveiling of a me I want to stay with - a person who is dying and being reborn every single day. It's been a long time since I've had a consistent meditation practice but I seem to remember that being very much a part of it - the acceptance, perhaps realization that we are dying and being reborn all the time. Today I heard a beautiful song which made me think of Josh and our situation and this idea of dying and being reborn. It's called Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars. Here are the lyrics and a link to the song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-6EwdDiopQ You only know what I want you to I know everything you don't want me to Oh your mouth is poison, your mouth is wine You think your dreams are the same as mine Oh I don't love you but I always will Oh I don't love you but I always will Oh I don't love you but I always will I always will I wish you'd hold me when I turn my back The less I give the more I get back Oh your hands can heal, your hands can bruise I don't have a choice but I'd still choose you Oh I don't love you but I always will I always will

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

A love affair

It's Tuesday night. It's the last Tuesday night I'll spend in this apartment I've lived in for 5 years. On Friday night I'll be spending my first night in the new place. I took a drive over there today to drop off some things and though it doesn't feel like home yet, it's a place I can breathe in. There is so much space. This made me both happy and sad. I feel I need this space right now and it's clear Julian needs space as he's becoming more aware of his surroundings and wanting to explore them. Sad because it's a space for a family and I don't really feel like Julian and I are a family right now, I don't feel Josh Julian and I are a family right now. It's a space Josh had found and had thought to be perfect for us. I agreed and envisioned our family growing here and now I just don't know what it's going to look like. I keep reminding myself this is a good thing because I can create that with Julian and perhaps the three of us can create it together. Josh has said that we are still a family. Yes, it is true a child bonds two people together for life. This to me is not what makes a family. This is clear because when I look at the families in my life, my yoga family is one of my closest, and there is no blood that ties us together. Families love unconditionally. Families support. Families listen. Families are perhaps most of all important united. I don't feel united with Josh. I feel I am Julian's mother, he is Julian's father, but our family remains to be seen. I was looking at old photos of he and I today and I was struck by how happy we were. When you go through a break up or a rough spot in a relationship, you ask yourself - was I ever really happy? The answer is yes, most of the time. As I looked through these photos you could see where the distance started to come in - and where suddenly there were no more photos of us together. This happened around my pregnancy. A good friend said today that pregnancy and the resulting baby is a new love affair for the two people involved. This love affair, this falling in love with your child, can result in the falling out of love with the other person. This made so much sense to me. Josh and I both fell in love with Julian - completely - before he was even here. Yet it seems we have fallen out of love with each other. I don't know how we got here. It baffles me. I thought I had enough love to go around. Isn't that what I have learned through the work I've done and my yoga practice? Well, it seems I still have some learning to do. And then my questioning mind says, well how can I teach yoga if I have no love to give? But I do. Some days I go there beat up and bruised emotionally and I begin to teach and the love comes pouring out. I give and I receive. I don't know where Josh and I got stuck and are continuing to get stuck but my teaching at least shows me that yes - it is possible to spread the love around. Josh texted at one point today that he misses Julian. My heart sank that he didn't text he misses us. Yet then I thought, do I miss him? How can I miss him when he hasn't even been around enough to miss? It's sad, isn't it? And he can't miss me because I haven't been around enough to miss either. We've both been consumed in this other love affair, our son. All of this gets me thinking way way back to childhood. I remember finding out my name, Amanda, means worthy of love. I'd read that and smile thinking well people have to love me then! I didn't understand then that worthy of love means the love is already within me - it has been given already. It is mine to give freely. I birth this amazing child who needs me, who needs this love, and I give and I give and I give till I think I can't give anymore and there's still more to give. I've never known a love like this. I forget about the person whose love created this child with me. I forget that I have all the love I need within me to last a lifetime. And I feel empty. I feel lost. I feel lonely. Julian continues to grow. There will be a time if this continues between Josh and I where I will begin to know what he knows and he will know what I know. I will know what it's like to be without my child for days, possibly a week - he will know what it's like to care for him by yourself for days, a week. Julian will know what it's like to have his stuff in two different places, he will know what it's like to possibly have a step-mom, step-dad, half-brother, half-sister. These are things I think are in the future if they are happening - the far future - but they are things that will come to pass if Josh and I don't do the work. This is not what I wanted for my son. This is not what I wanted for Josh or I. I keep asking myself, why doesn't he want to do the work? I suggested couples counseling and Josh had said no. Perhaps it's possible we are doing the work - this is the work - and it has nothing to do with anything we might do together in a counselors office. If I'm in the moment, then it is the work, and that's that. Trust the process, I hear all the time. I have so many nights I want to text him, call him, talk talk talk but I often come on here and write. I can feel he has shut a door to me, though I can also feel it's not shut completely. I could bang and scream and try to kick it down but what would that do? I can only come here to sort it out in my words, let them speak for themselves, and he will come out from behind the door when he is ready. I have had so many folks reach out and thank me for being so honest and sharing my story, many of them surprised Josh has not said anything about me sharing it this publicly. I sometimes forget that people out there read this. I forget just how powerful ones story can be. I'm going to keep writing, I hope you'll keep listening and we'll see where this takes us. It's been a love affair unlike any other I've imagined!

Monday, August 27, 2012

It's ok to be angry

I am quite angry these days. And not at anyone in particular. Just angry. I believe it's deep rooted and has been with me for some time. So I'm sitting in it, doing a pretty good job of not deflecting it, and writing about it. Here's a recent poem: My practice brings up much fear anger and sadness these days Yet I still step onto my mat and breathe The breath encourages me to keep going I sense this fear anger and sadness has been with me for some time It's what prevents me from fully seeing another I feel lately I've never truly looked into your eyes or seen you until now Or seen myself I want to look away but I keep looking The voices in my head quiet a little more My heart beats stronger I notice the sensation of our feet touching under the table while we watch a movie Something is shifting within me Something is shifting around me My relationships with others seem different Even if no words are spoken I try to let silence come For in that lies understanding I'm tired of talking I don't know anything I must trust in everything I'm allowing myself to be angry When perhaps I never allowed myself this feelibg before The allowing will bring happiness Resistance kept me in the dark It feels good to be honest And still be loved

Saturday, August 18, 2012

The Power of Detachment

There is a calm when you let go. There is a calm when you surrender. There is a calm when you recognize while you may not be happy with what is, it is what is. So after two weeks of crying and a crazy roller coaster ride things are starting to settle. The purge has happened and now comes action. I am not saying there won't be sad days or crying but there is a grounded feeling that comes with surrender. I have and am surrendering. A friend sent me an email recently on the power of detachment and this really hit home for me. A light bulb went off, so to speak. I have always been someone who gives, who connects, who attaches. Easily. I don't think this is a bad quality but I always found myself getting lost eventually and having a hard time staying grounded when those I were attached or connected to were suffering. The art of detachment says to remain detached is to remain within your own power and your place in this world as a spiritual entity. This resonates with me now, where in the past to be detached I would think meant to be disconnected, heartless, or cruel. I am beginning to see the ways I've given up my power when I've been around those close to me who are suffering. When this would happen, I'd become unhappy, less passionate, less grounded, fearful and uncertain. I like this idea of practicing detachment around others to stay within your own power and thus remain more connected, instead of disconnected. I believe by doing this I'd be a better listener, I'd take more action for myself, lead by example, instead of try to fix something outside myself. I'm going to work on this. It begins with accepting that the future is uncertain. This is actually a reality already, but something I've always resisted. I am moving into what was to be my first home as a family for Josh, Julian and I. Now it will be my home with Julian. Josh will be welcome there of course to see his son, but he will be living elsewhere. I've agreed that space between us is better right now though every time I say this is what I want I have fear around it. Perhaps that's a good thing? I think if I thought back anything I've ever truly wanted has had fear around it. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be ok. Time has proven that to me already with previous struggles. I've got this, keeps popping into my mind. And interestingly enough, this summer has brought a lot of separation into my life. Friends ending relationships, people moving, and just within these last two weeks two relationships of friends I wouldn't have suspected ending, have ended. Or rather are changing. That's how I like to think of it. Separation which is in itself detachment creates space for great change and possibility.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Honest hell

Today has been a rough day. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster since Josh told me he loves me, but isn't in love with me. I brought up the conversation because I could sense a disconnect. It had been there for some time and my way of dealing with it was criticism, judgment, nagging I believe because I was scared and felt I wasn't being listened to. It's an unhealthy pattern I resort to when feelings are coming up and all I want to say is I love you, I'm here for you, tell me what's going on? Josh was never much one for talking about his feelings but I didn't always create a supportive environment. Well parenthood softened our hearts and when I asked him what's up, he shared. I thought it would be a rough patch, a bump in the road, but he seems to be thinking he needs space. I feel he's made up his mind without even talking it out or giving us a chance and that I find cruel. I think of the many months he's been feeling this way and how painful that must be. My heart breaks. I look at my son and cry. I have people who love me and have reached out already to offer support. I am blessed. I know I'll be ok however this goes and so will Julian because he has a mother and father who love him so much. I realize the work I've done and you can only make yourself happy - take care of your needs. So I will do that. Yet my love for Josh has not died, I don't believe it ever will, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I'd be lying if I didn't hope our family would be whole again. Finding myself in a place I didn't expect to be all I can do is just be. I have always been honest in the face of my struggles and it's made me a warrior. I'll continue to do so. I'll never close my heart to the beauty and love I know awaits me.