A love affair

It's Tuesday night. It's the last Tuesday night I'll spend in this apartment I've lived in for 5 years. On Friday night I'll be spending my first night in the new place. I took a drive over there today to drop off some things and though it doesn't feel like home yet, it's a place I can breathe in. There is so much space. This made me both happy and sad. I feel I need this space right now and it's clear Julian needs space as he's becoming more aware of his surroundings and wanting to explore them. Sad because it's a space for a family and I don't really feel like Julian and I are a family right now, I don't feel Josh Julian and I are a family right now. It's a space Josh had found and had thought to be perfect for us. I agreed and envisioned our family growing here and now I just don't know what it's going to look like. I keep reminding myself this is a good thing because I can create that with Julian and perhaps the three of us can create it together. Josh has said that we are still a family. Yes, it is true a child bonds two people together for life. This to me is not what makes a family. This is clear because when I look at the families in my life, my yoga family is one of my closest, and there is no blood that ties us together. Families love unconditionally. Families support. Families listen. Families are perhaps most of all important united. I don't feel united with Josh. I feel I am Julian's mother, he is Julian's father, but our family remains to be seen. I was looking at old photos of he and I today and I was struck by how happy we were. When you go through a break up or a rough spot in a relationship, you ask yourself - was I ever really happy? The answer is yes, most of the time. As I looked through these photos you could see where the distance started to come in - and where suddenly there were no more photos of us together. This happened around my pregnancy. A good friend said today that pregnancy and the resulting baby is a new love affair for the two people involved. This love affair, this falling in love with your child, can result in the falling out of love with the other person. This made so much sense to me. Josh and I both fell in love with Julian - completely - before he was even here. Yet it seems we have fallen out of love with each other. I don't know how we got here. It baffles me. I thought I had enough love to go around. Isn't that what I have learned through the work I've done and my yoga practice? Well, it seems I still have some learning to do. And then my questioning mind says, well how can I teach yoga if I have no love to give? But I do. Some days I go there beat up and bruised emotionally and I begin to teach and the love comes pouring out. I give and I receive. I don't know where Josh and I got stuck and are continuing to get stuck but my teaching at least shows me that yes - it is possible to spread the love around. Josh texted at one point today that he misses Julian. My heart sank that he didn't text he misses us. Yet then I thought, do I miss him? How can I miss him when he hasn't even been around enough to miss? It's sad, isn't it? And he can't miss me because I haven't been around enough to miss either. We've both been consumed in this other love affair, our son. All of this gets me thinking way way back to childhood. I remember finding out my name, Amanda, means worthy of love. I'd read that and smile thinking well people have to love me then! I didn't understand then that worthy of love means the love is already within me - it has been given already. It is mine to give freely. I birth this amazing child who needs me, who needs this love, and I give and I give and I give till I think I can't give anymore and there's still more to give. I've never known a love like this. I forget about the person whose love created this child with me. I forget that I have all the love I need within me to last a lifetime. And I feel empty. I feel lost. I feel lonely. Julian continues to grow. There will be a time if this continues between Josh and I where I will begin to know what he knows and he will know what I know. I will know what it's like to be without my child for days, possibly a week - he will know what it's like to care for him by yourself for days, a week. Julian will know what it's like to have his stuff in two different places, he will know what it's like to possibly have a step-mom, step-dad, half-brother, half-sister. These are things I think are in the future if they are happening - the far future - but they are things that will come to pass if Josh and I don't do the work. This is not what I wanted for my son. This is not what I wanted for Josh or I. I keep asking myself, why doesn't he want to do the work? I suggested couples counseling and Josh had said no. Perhaps it's possible we are doing the work - this is the work - and it has nothing to do with anything we might do together in a counselors office. If I'm in the moment, then it is the work, and that's that. Trust the process, I hear all the time. I have so many nights I want to text him, call him, talk talk talk but I often come on here and write. I can feel he has shut a door to me, though I can also feel it's not shut completely. I could bang and scream and try to kick it down but what would that do? I can only come here to sort it out in my words, let them speak for themselves, and he will come out from behind the door when he is ready. I have had so many folks reach out and thank me for being so honest and sharing my story, many of them surprised Josh has not said anything about me sharing it this publicly. I sometimes forget that people out there read this. I forget just how powerful ones story can be. I'm going to keep writing, I hope you'll keep listening and we'll see where this takes us. It's been a love affair unlike any other I've imagined!