Honest hell

Today has been a rough day. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster since Josh told me he loves me, but isn't in love with me. I brought up the conversation because I could sense a disconnect. It had been there for some time and my way of dealing with it was criticism, judgment, nagging I believe because I was scared and felt I wasn't being listened to. It's an unhealthy pattern I resort to when feelings are coming up and all I want to say is I love you, I'm here for you, tell me what's going on? Josh was never much one for talking about his feelings but I didn't always create a supportive environment. Well parenthood softened our hearts and when I asked him what's up, he shared. I thought it would be a rough patch, a bump in the road, but he seems to be thinking he needs space. I feel he's made up his mind without even talking it out or giving us a chance and that I find cruel. I think of the many months he's been feeling this way and how painful that must be. My heart breaks. I look at my son and cry. I have people who love me and have reached out already to offer support. I am blessed. I know I'll be ok however this goes and so will Julian because he has a mother and father who love him so much. I realize the work I've done and you can only make yourself happy - take care of your needs. So I will do that. Yet my love for Josh has not died, I don't believe it ever will, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I'd be lying if I didn't hope our family would be whole again. Finding myself in a place I didn't expect to be all I can do is just be. I have always been honest in the face of my struggles and it's made me a warrior. I'll continue to do so. I'll never close my heart to the beauty and love I know awaits me.