I am a single Mom

Single Mom. When I heard that word I thought of Jerry Springer to be honest. Women who have children whose fathers are not in the picture. Women who are loud and foul mouthed. Women who sleep around. I don't consider myself any of those things. Yet I am a single Mom. Josh would get defensive when I would tell him I felt like a single Mom. He'd say, I'm here, I watch JJ, I pay the bills, I help if you ask. All of that is true. What is missing, and has been missing for some time is the emotional support. I am definitely on my own when it comes to that. And frankly so is Josh. I thought we'd have each other to reach out to but that has not been the case. I began to find the emotional support elsewhere - in my yoga community, my friends, my family, other moms and dads. I don't feel alone anymore. I told my mother the other day I believe this whole situation happened for me and she laughed, but it's true. If this situation did not happen, I'd still feel emotionally unsupported and alone. What I remember about the summer is Julian and I holed up in my tiny apt in the bedroom. Now that all of this has happened, I feel emotionally free. Julian and I are thriving in our new space and creating many memories already and I've been having a Fall I'll remember. Josh told me last week he is seeing someone at his dojo who I know. It was another blow I wasn't expecting. Yet once I had time to process it, it made complete sense why they would be together right now, and why he and I are not. It also gave me the space to realize that while I may be financially tied to him currently, I don't have to be emotionally tied. I was recognizing it hurt more to see him than to not see him, and that I needed to take action for myself to heal even if that meant he would see his son less. I think during this whole situation I've catered to Josh and what Josh needed - I knew Julian was a great source of comfort and joy for him. I didn't really check in with what I needed. Well, him saying he was seeing someone caused me to do that. I've reached out to others to watch Julian so I can teach or take a yoga class and not surprisingly people have offered. I don't have to rely on Josh to do something without the baby as I once did. One of my friends said when I told her I couldn't pay her that she simply enjoyed being a part of our family and watching Julian grow. How blessed am I to have friends like that? I am not having to rely on Josh as much and it feels good. Then when he sees Julian it's a choice he's making rather than me saying "I need you to watch him" The financial piece will be slow to come as we both value my role as a mother and full time caregiver to Julian, but I've been subbing and looking at picking up more classes nearby. I am feeling really good about where I'm at despite my circumstances and the uncertainty of the future. Emotionally I am in a very good place. Do I still hurt? Of course! I hear a song, or visit a restaurant we'd go to, or see a picture of us, or remember a time we had fun together and my heart aches. I feel the emotion, I cry if I need to, and then I come back to the present, my reality, and the joy that exists there. I don't believe there can be great joy without great sadness and the two are coexisting for me right now. Truly they always are because that is one thing we parents who are emotionally in it get - the joy and sadness side by side. Day by day. I've never spent so much time as I am right now enjoying my life - cooking tons, sitting on my porch with Julian on a sunny afternoon, dancing with him around the apt, going for long walks, having people over, connecting.... connecting.... connecting! And Julian is so my buddy... we just know each other as two people who spend a lot of time together do. He is becoming such a loving independent high energy funny and joyful boy. I get upset when people tell me Julian is yours, he looks like you etc etc as if that will make me feel better or even matter. Julian has a Dad and I don't mind at all if I see Josh in him. Julian chose us as his parents and if he did, there's something to be said for that when I see how amazing he is. I know for myself there's a light in Josh that even if no one else saw it, I did. I don't think it's gone. But it's not up for me to find it or shine it again. I do hope he lets Julian see it. Julian needs a father. Yes a grounded Mom like myself is setting a good foundation but there's things a boy can learn from his father and which I hope Josh is ready to teach him. As for Josh and I, there is an us in that we will always be Julian's parents but the us is very different from what it was before. Do I still believe in love? You bet. I have no regrets for all my experiences brought me to right where I am today. I wouldn't change a thing, really. :)