The guilt trap

This weekend was lovely! I was able to have some babe free mama time celebrating a friends 40th on Saturday and seeing the Cantata Singers at the Longy School of Music. At the friends 40th, I was surrounded with so many people I would not have met, if it had not been for Josh. I met them through the aikido community. And here they were, my friends, and Josh was not there celebrating. Nor was the girl he is seeing who is part of this community. It was only as awkward as I allowed it to be. Clearly some people weren't quite sure how to act around me, but most treated me like their friend, and not some person who needed their pity. I went to a concert at the Longy School Sunday one of my yoga students was in and this was so a new experience for me. I was surrounded by people who were more educated than me in the academic sense - I know virtually nothing about classical music. Yet here I was listening to these soloist for the most part (at times they would sing together) singing in their soprano, tenor, barritone voices. And it was beautiful! The beauty for me lay in how they were sharing their gift with an audience - not shying away from their own light. They were connected to Spirit - whatever we conceive that to be - but it's that moment that when connected we shine and we are just being, rather than thinking our way through or feeding our egos. I was humbled by their courage and bravery, though for some it may be easier to stand up there and shine, but for many of us, we are afraid of our own light. Marianne Williamson says that's what scares us the most - our own light, not our darkness. All of this brought me back to guilt which I've been thinking a lot about lately. I honestly can't think of much I harbor guilt around these days, but I do remember a time I felt extremely guilty. Guilt is beneficial in that it allows us to recognize our mistakes, but it becomes an act of self hatred when we act out of guilt, rather than doing what we truly want. We punish ourselves by acting out of guilt over and over. We don't discover our unique gifts or learn to act out of joy because of this. We have a hard time letting go of the guilt because the guilt is such a big part of our story, our past - who we define ourselves to be. It may even go deeper than that and the guilt is associated with this belief that we are a bad seed - not entitled to happiness or joy. A belief that was placed upon us when we were very young and unknowingly we let this belief become our own. We act on it thinking this is what we must do and instead not realizing we have a choice to believe something different! What an awful cycle. Acting out of guilt does not help anyone - certainly not yourself. Acting out of guilt is closely related to one I identify with - the acting to be nice or wanting to be perceived as nice. This, like acting of guilt, is done with the intention of trying to get something back. It may not be literally getting something back from the person you are performing the action to - but in the sense by acting out of guilt, you do something nice, you feel less guilty. It only lasts a short while and then you must do it again. As for acting to be nice, we are hoping the other person will take our actions as reason to give us what we want - usually their love. At the party I was at this weekend, a guy who recently broke up with his girlfriend said "but she's so nice!" and I said that's not a reason to date someone! Unfortunately I think Josh and I fell into this pattern and are continuing to play it out, though I'm much more aware of it than I used to be. When we first split, I found myself doing many nice things for him (and still do) because deep down I wanted him to love me again. Him loving me meant I was safe, which is often the end goal of someone acting out of being nice - to create that safe feeling. But he ended up seeing someone new and I'm thinking, why the hell was I being nice? Now, I don't want to be mean. But do I have to be nice? I'm no longer that girl who would make a scene because frankly while what he has done and is doing seems wrong to me and many others, he is a human being on his journey like I am, so respect he's doing the best he can and I know he isn't hurting me maliciously. Many people don't understand this and want to say "what an awful guy" and I get it - you are my friends, you love me. I'd want to stand up for my friends too. Yet I have been where he has been - I've been the person making mistakes, hurting others, screwing up. I just don't share those stories but if you wanna know, I'll tell you. I've hurt many people and done some major screwing up! I think it comes back to the guilt trap though. When I was feeling guilty about all these things and living in a pattern of self loathing and hatred for myself, these mistakes were all I'd focus on. And I acted out of guilt all the time - which got me into more bad relationships and situations and hurting more people. Vicious cycle! It stopped when I took responsibility for my actions and all that I had done. It stopped when I was able to say what has been done has been done. It stopped when I chose to believe something different about myself - I am not a bad seed, I deserve and can give love. It stopped when I became more compassionate to myself. It stopped when I faced my issues. And this allowed me to truly see what I wanted - and what I wanted could be mine. It allowed me to move forward with grace and dignity. Guilt is such a heavy burden to bear! Josh has been doing a lot of stuff to take care of me and Julian - financially, things we need from store, fixing things, etc etc But emotionally he has not been there. I get the sense he is acting out of guilt though he has not told me he is. I don't know if it's guilt around our situation or guilt from his previous relationships, or even childhood. It's probably both. But him acting out of guilt, if I am correct, makes me feel icky to be matter of fact. I wish he'd act out of what he truly wants. And maybe he is doing what he truly wants. I just don't know. If he is acting out of guilt I feel pity toward him. I remember what a burden guilt was for me to bear. So I want to do something nice to make him feel better, to fix it. I think I was doing it originally to win him back so to speak, but now I just want to stop his hurting. Yet when I do something nice it probably just makes him feel more guilty. What a pattern! So I am trying to be as conscious in my interactions with him but it is super super hard. I'm trying to not be nice all the time, but as I said I don't feel like being mean, so what do I be? Just me. And sometimes I am just thoughtful and that's ok. I'm trying to find that middle ground. And then perhaps this pattern will break and we'll be where we need to be. I find the pattern doesn't show up as much when I am not in a relationship but it's a pattern that has been very common to many of my relationships. So it's time to end the guilt trap, the being nice trap and just get to what I really want or believe or feel - and just plain do it and say it!