Embracing uncertainty

Hello October! It's been one month since we've moved and we are thriving! Julian is cutting his first tooth this week, scooting all over, doing downward dogs and other yogi poses, babbling and eating solids and I'm happy and blessed. I don't know where Josh and I are going. Some days I feel and think this could work out and other days I don't think so. The fact is we are going somewhere - and only time will give more definition to what it looks like. I am happy that most of my friends don't ask and rather wait for me to talk about it if I want to - I can be with them and we can talk about the baby, teaching, a movie I saw, what I did this weekend, etc etc My mother is honestly the one who asks the most but it worries her this uncertainty, and I can understand. I have a child too and it would probably worry me. I've come to find though that I am actually starting to LIKE this uncertainty, this I don't know that is my life right now. Before this situation came about I thought my life would look a certain way. I was comfortable, happy enough, living, but not thriving. I was safe and now I am not safe. I am completely vulnerable. I like being in this place though because every day is a world of possibility. I feel I am connecting more, seeing people more, hearing people more. I am loving more deeply and living more deeply. Saying I don't know takes me out of my head, takes me out of the need to mask my feelings, to put on a happy face when I'm not happy, to try so hard. I feel I can be myself again, and really enjoy me, and figure out just what I want right now. This uncertainty has caused me to be a better mother, a better teacher, a better human. I would always say, you just don't know where life is going to take you, so live each moment, but now I do know - you just don't know! Julian is growing so fast but I feel I am enjoying each and every blissful moment. Yes, I was a bit sad when I felt that first tooth coming through but I was more excited. Here I am witnessing these milestones, and they will be with me forever. I can tell already that I will look at him when he is a man and remember these blissful moments, and I look forward to telling them to him. I am sad that Josh is not around more to share them with me, but I do feel we've shared some of them together. It has been more of a separate journey though as we each step into our roles of mother and father. I feel each of us is at our best when with our son because he brings out this amazing vulnerability and love within us. We recognize that our time with him is uncertain, that our love will only continue to grow, and that all we can really do is let go and enjoy the ride. Hold onto nothing. And embrace everything. Being a mother has made me realize I can only deal now with emotionally available people. I'm done with the games and the drama and the bull shit and I just want to be real and connect. Put down the masks folks. I think when Julian was first born we were both holding on so tight as parents, going through the motion, not embracing fully this love he's given us. And I know for me at least I'm embracing it - it's scary but it's too hard not to. And this love makes me more human and raw and messy and vulnerable than I ever thought possible. But it's ok. Every moment I spend with Julian tells me it's ok. Because he's every bit as raw and vulnerable and messy and loving it. I don't want to see that ever change about him and I am so grateful he has allowed me to be that way again. And now that I'm here I can't go back. There's only moving forward, and whomever is walking with me on that path. There's no doubt Julian will be there so at least I have a buddy!