Press pause

Some weeks it seems the flood gates are just wide open and I get more than one blog post in a week because realizations are coming and I can't keep myself from writing. After I wrote my last blog post No Distractions on Monday, I was reading old blog posts and remembered I started this blog when I returned from India in 2009, right at the very beginning of my relationship with Josh - the first 6 months. Reading those posts showed a relationship in many ways vastly different in roles than it is now. I was the one feeling more insecure scared unable to trust while Josh was the one being more open. Or at least that was the perception then. And I feel right now I am the one wide open, vulnerable and raw, sad and blissful at the same time, not safe at all, and he is the one closed off to emotion, shut down, playing it safe. I was really struck by it all as I read and decided to call him after about 15 min or so of picking up the phone, putting it down. We see each other a few times or more a week cause of Julian, but we text to correspond and I haven't called him just to call him in.... I don't know how long. So I decided to do it cause I felt it was what I wanted to do. And he picked up. And I talked for about 15 min and he listened not saying much, and then said that he had to go, but if I wanted to talk again soon, we could. Saying that to a Scorpio is like turning on Niagara Falls! And if he knows me, which I feel he does, he knows this - I was hooked. I don't think he intended to be manipulative - but it was. He was unconsciously playing with my emotions by telling me I could talk to him which I desperately want to do - but also not opening up himself. I have a feeling he learned this well from someone very close to him. It has worked on me in our relationship and it was working yesterday and today. Till I paused. Yesterday was a day the Universe spoke loudly to me. About a month ago I was teaching at South Boston Yoga and a man and his traveling companion took my class. They were jovial nice yoga loving guys. He was visiting his son and grandson named Ananda in Boston. I wished them well. Here we are a month later and I'm visiting a friend of mine and her son in Davis Square. We sit with our babies next to a couple with their baby. Conversation strikes and we learn their son is named Ananda. I think this is too different of a name to be a coincidence so I ask, and sure enough it's his dad I met a month before. He calls his dad right then to tell him. We all continued to chat and connect and it turns out he and his partner have been on again off again since the birth of their child - struggling too. And I find out this guy grew up a few towns over from where I did, and the girl rowed crew as I did. So I invite them to this Open House I am having Sunday and as it turns out his Dad is in town and will come too! This guy is an artist who teaches yoga and art and meditation and I go on his web site, and he's been to India! So of course the mind wants to make a story out of all of this... Josh saying I could talk to him means this, this guy who loves yoga and meditation and who I can clearly see I'd have something to talk about and it would be so much easier to communicate with and who understands what it means to be a parent means this... After I emailed him inviting he and his partner and their child to the Open House and I'm waiting all day to see if he emails back wondering what will he say.... I'm thinking of Josh all day searching online about emotional repression, narcisistic mothers, scorpio capricorn astrology texting him about it and even thinking of being so bold to just text him "hey the baby is asleep. wanna fuck?" Excuse my french. I actually have my sex drive back post baby even with my lack of sleep but alas! And truly I just desire that connection so bad as much as I am afraid of going there with someone. I am being brutally honest here... Suddenly I'm like what the hell is going on? I pause, I breath and I reel myself back in. I read the Daily Om a friend sent to me yesterday which struck home when it said "There are people whose psychological problems prohibit them from having a long lasting relationship. These people are married to their pathology - their story. You chasing them will not break their defenses, resistances and impairment" Hello, wake up call. Truth be told I still love Josh so very much. Truth be told I want my family to be whole and intact so very much. Truth be told it can't happen unless Josh is emotionally available. I've done my work, I'm doing my work, and I'm just glad I have yoga and my community and the love and support around me to keep me in check. I may stumble, I may even falter a bit, but luckily it hasn't been too much of a detriment. I know I'm doing the best I can. Josh said when we talked on Tuesday he's simply trying to move forward. The truth is we don't have to try to move forward at all - life is happening. Julian is a beautiful reminder of that. Life moves forward without any action of ours at all. So the more we can sit and press pause and reflect on our feelings, our actions, our state of happiness or lack thereof, and then act accordingly, the better we will be for it.