No distractions

About a week or two ago, I decided it was time to get rid of as many distractions as I could that were keeping me from truly sitting with the emotions and thoughts that have been coming up for me. This decision came about after I was out driving on a Sunday morning with the baby to get groceries for the week and who do I see driving by me? Josh and his new girlfriend who I know. Ugh. Now I suppose I should have referred to him as my boyfriend or my ex months ago when he's been mentioned in here, but as you all know, I am not much of a private person, and he hasn't made a big stink about it, so Josh he remains. Anyway, I cried underneath my sunglasses on a gorgeous morning truly not caring who could see I was crying at this point, posted something about it on facebook, and my Mom called me and gave me a great reminder - that I had the best of Josh in Julian, and that really hit home for me. No matter what happened between us our son is the best of him and me. It was something about seeing the two of them together - the Universe giving me this great reminder that YES this is YOUR LIFE that I decided it was time to get rid of distractions. I unfriended him on facebook that day. He doesn't post much on facebook but when I'd get on there on my iphone I'd check his profile and see if there was anything new, and then I'd search for his new girlfriend, who I am not friends with on FB but I know, and then just seeing her would make me want to puke... you know the drill :) I also took the facebook application completely off my smart phone because I felt I was using facebook as a way to communicate with him and with others, without truly communicating, if you know what I mean? It's much easier to say something on Facebook than it is in person! It's much easier to text or email than it is to talk face to face or call on the phone. Facebook has been a huge source of comfort for me during this time of great change but I'm at a more grounded place now where I feel I need to process all of what's coming up and truly communicate with myself first, and then with others. This blog also has been a huge outlet for me during this but I feel continuing to write here, helps others, and there's no hidden agenda like there could be by posting or going onto facebook. So how has my life changed since no facebook? My hands hurt less! LOL I was glued to it on my phone and now my phone may still be nearby but I play music a lot more. I dance more. I interact with my son more. I am happier. I am discovering things I've wanted to do for a long time - like learn to play guitar. I went and bought myself expensive sexy bra and underwear for my upcoming birthday because even though I have no one to wear it for I'm wearing it for myself! That's a whole other blog post in itself... to be continued... I printed pictures I've wanted to for a long time and bought frames and hung them and feel so happy every time I see them! I'm finding I'm still connected with those that matter even without FB and even more connected actually. Life is happening and I'm IN it rather than trying to just capture it or observe it. No distractions has caused me to understand the feeling of truly missing someone. I was teaching the other day and I wasn't sad or thinking about Josh in particular but all of a sudden it was like BOOM I miss him. My emotions are becoming much more clearer. I also cut out all (well most) of my trips to the Portuguese and Brazilian bakery and more than one cup a day coffee because yes those too are distractions. I am watching for when I am treating myself because I am being good to myself and I am treating myself so I can push or shove an emotion down. I'm getting a better understanding of what I want though I don't know entirely. I am realizing I am still very much a passionate woman - she has not been lost - and I'm sharing that with those around me. I am understanding that I've had this tendency to stop being myself in relationships and that needs to stop. I'm understanding I have this great fear of failure but that isn't going to stop me from trying. I think I always tried to eliminate the fear - it can't be eliminated but by acknowledging it and still trying I'm giving it voice and living with courage. So that's what no distractions as been bringing. Keep it coming!