I own my mistakes

I am sitting in the Whole Foods parking lot typing out this blog in notes on my IPhone. Julian passed out in his car seat after an exciting couple hours at a new friends house while mama taught yoga. It's 230 and he's been up since 530 with maybe a 30 min cat nap around 9am so a mama has gotta do what a mama needs to do so her babe can sleep and she can get some real food into the house! I find myself embracing imperfection more. This fact that no I do not have it all together but that's fine. Confusion is clarity as my friend said today. She took a workshop where the teacher mentioned this and it makes such sense. It's only when we truly let it all go whether on our mat or off and we aren't sure where we are going but we know that we are on the path that things start to make sense. It's the imperfections, the journey itself, the day to day that matters more than the figuring it all out. Cause you know once we think we have it figured out life will throw a curveball to remind us we don't :) I had told a friend of mine last week that I'd take her dog out on Fri afternoon. Fri came, I taught yoga, I got busy with Julian, I'm heading out to my first yoga class in a week because Josh has been traveling and she calls - how's my puppy doing? Her dog is like her Julian if you know what I mean. And I found myself fumbling my words, starting to lie like I have witnessed people in my family do when they are caught so to speak, and then my mind goes "what the fuck? This is a good friend of mine" So I tell her I made a mistake. I completely forgot. No excuses. I forgot. I could tell she was of course upset. I kept apologizing perhaps too much but I felt awful! She made sure her dog was ok by calling another friend who lives nearby and then called me back to let me know and was very compassionate and kind saying it happens, people make mistakes. It happens. People make mistakes. Even me. I know this but I realize I have tried so hard not to make mistakes - and when I have caught other people in a mistake I have almost relished letting them know they messed up. Well at least the me before my life got turned upside down did these things. Getting caught in a mistake this past week was a perfect opportunity to see how perfectly flawed I am and that the amazing thing is people still love me for it. This friend is still my friend. I feel I've always thought that making a mistake means people won't love you anymore. When you grow up in a dysfunctional family, and your role is the one who's "perfect" and that holds the family together, you deep down do believe that you messing up means the ruin of those around you and the loss of their love. Oh childhood. So in the past I would try to lie my way through mistakes, cover them up, hide them. I would try so hard not to make a mistake. Trying so hard made me feel so locked up in a way, walking on eggshells around my own emotions which is probably why I was so ungrounded in them when I did feel them. I wasn't able to just feel relaxed with who I am. I was more rigid and judgmental of myself and others and less passionate, creative, fun, spontaneous, sensual. It was great to make this small mistake. To know I will make many more. Especially as a parent. To know I am still loved. Realizing I am perfect in my imperfections as people say sets me free to have the life that I want. I don't have to settle because there's no shame around who I am - mistakes included - and when you aren't striving for perfect you can relax, intuition speaks louder, and divine guidance steps in. I am not religious, but yes, when you aren't striving for perfect you are connected with Spirit and this is an energy very much alive and very much a part of you. So to connect to it is to find and live your purpose. I am understanding that what serves me in a relationship is not just someone who is kind, loving, accepting, free - but someone who knows their emotions and can express them when the situation arises. I am done with dysfunction and games and living just outside and not at the heart of things. There's this book one of my teachers often refers to in yoga and I believe it's called Go In and In and yes, that's where I'm at now. I am recognizing that others aren't going to want to jump in like me and they may want to get their toes wet first and slowly work their way in and I am fine with that - as long as they are willing to go in. Those are the kind of people I need and want in my life. Life is too short for all the other bull shit. I will finally have the life I desire. And I have no idea what it looks like :)