Be And Be Not Afraid

It took stepping back on my mat and replenishing my cup last Sunday, but I was able to ground myself again after a turbulent holiday week. Unlike many other practices that work to change you from the outside in, yoga truly lets the work come from the inside out. I have been feeling a shift within me that began around the time of the Open House and my emotional breakdown after being with family was the denouement so to speak, and now comes the insight. I think above all - dysfunction cannot continue. It's hold on me is done - in the sense I refuse to step into those patterns of dysfunction anymore. It's clear mine has always been the fix it, make everyone happy pattern. It's now time to see what makes me happy. To be selfish, as Josh told me the other day. I have always thought myself to be a selfish person but in many ways I never have been. I have been selfish in never being grounded in my emotions and letting these emotions run the lives of others, and not just my own. I make my emotional turmoil theirs. I have not had my own emotional grounding. When a shift happens and you can feel the other side, there's always a fear of going back. You aren't even sure of where you've ended up but you know it's better than where you were. Yet I am noticing already that when these patterns of dysfunction do come up, I am more aware to recognize them, hopefully not play them out, or at least know when I am and stop. Now to do this when I see my family again is another story but we'll get there when we get there... There's something about our families and being around them that makes these patterns of dysfunction ring loudly. It makes sense - they are who've shaped us and who we've spent much of our developing lives with! Josh and I are becoming friends. It is something that is happening without my effort or his - or whatever effort is there is organic. It makes Julian happy to have his Dad around more and it makes me happy to not have a huge wall there between us. I feel emotionally grounded to do this. My mind wants to attach to where the friendship will go but the fact is, it's going... I'm on the train... the destination isn't so important anymore. I feel I am someone with nothing left to lose - as I've lost everything I thought kept me safe - and now I realize I was never safe to begin with. And that brings me freedom and allows me to be truly alive. My pattern in relationships has been to take on the responsibility of anothers happiness even though they never asked me to. I then lose sight of my own. With our son, I've always been the one to text Josh Julian did this, here's this picture, this video, etc etc especially when he's traveling. I did it as a way to connect to him but also because I felt bad he wasn't able to be with his son. I realize this is his choice - to not continue our relationship - which unfortunately means less time with Julian. If a moment comes up that's particularly funny endearing or of interest then sure, mention it, send the picture or the video. But do not be responsible for his happiness or make our son a way to connect to him. So today when he was away for work I did not text all day. Evening time was coming and I thought why hasn't he called, doesn't he want to talk to JJ, etc etc and sure enough he texted asking if JJ was still up, could we face time. And he was. He enjoyed some moments with his son and I admit I started to tell about our day when he didn't ask - perhaps to fill the moment - when it didn't need to be filled because we were both enjoying JJ being JJ. I am learning. When I can relax and not play out my patterns, I am free to think, to feel, to be as I wish and it doesn't matter what anyone thinks about it. I am learning to play the guitar cause it's fun. I love the new sensation on my fingers and now almost a numbness that comes where the callouses are. I am searching for an artist to begin work on my 5th tattoo - biggest and boldest yet - something I've always wanted to do, and an artist I can have in years to come to integrate the work I already have done. While each tattoo represents a time in my life of importance and growth, they aren't a work of art. And I want them to be. I want to be a work of art! And not in a selfish way but as an offering of beauty. This is how I felt after this uplifting workshop with Les Leventhal this weekend. It was a backbending workshop and physically I did things I had not done before and fell on my head and it was exhilarating and liberating. I was so blissed out I lost my car in the Boston Common parking garage and had to ride around with the attendant in the golf cart to find it! Les at one point during an intense moment looked right at me and said "not so fierce" and there was this voice that said "but I am fierce!" Now he wasn't saying I was not fierce but my mind went there. There was this light bulb that went off that said I don't have to try to be fierce - I already am fierce! Just by showing up in my life with my an open heart. An open heart, vulnerability - that's fierce! I think for so long I have put on this face of fierceness, this warrior look - and yes I am a warrior, I've been to hell and back - but that doesn't have to define me anymore. I can relax and just be and those who like it will like it, those who don't don't matter. Les also talked about the practice of heart opening moving you into a place of selflessness. He talked about how when we see a homeless person we may give them a dollar (which I did not that long ago!) but what if we instead said - what do you need? Now that is scary! That is from a place of total love! The giving of a dollar is love but it makes us feel good in some ways more, right? Now we ask a person what they need - and we are making it about the other person, and we are just a vessel - thy will be done. We don't ask cause we are afraid that someone will actually need something and what if we can't give... or what if we can? Les made the point that asking doesn't mean we have to deliver - we can decide when they reply if it's within our means or not. I had mentioned how gratitude is something I am looking to practice more of. Well, so is this what do you need. I want to ask this more. I want to look people in the eye. I don't want to shy away. I have nothing left to lose and tons to give. I picked this Tracy Chapman song to learn on the guitar, Be and Be Not Afraid and the lyrics didn't hit me until I started to learn the song. I believe in mistakes and accidents That the nature of life is chaos and confusion That man's rules of law and order may not stand I should be and be not afraid to reach for heaven I may think that I know the true hearts needs My pride may bring me low, unable to see No closer than yesterday, but tomorrow I may stand Be and be not afraid, to reach for heaven