This is my life

There is a beauty and power that comes from fully embracing something - whether it be a decision, a song, food, a scent, falling in love - you name it. There is beauty and power in surrender which is truly what embracing is, though we often think that the power comes in holding on tightly to something and a preconceived notion of how something should be. There is only struggle and pain in that. The mind will tell you YES this is how it's SUPPOSED to be. Yet your body is very much telling you NO if you listen. My mind still tells me no sometimes these days but my body and my whole being keeps saying YES with my life now and it's current course. I feel outside myself when I am stuck in my head and my mind is saying this isn't how it's SUPPOSED to be, this isn't what I expected. I breathe then, I listen and my body gives a resounding YES. And I smile. This is my life. I would recommend to anyone starting a family that they become clear on what kind of partner or relationship they need to support them into their role as parent. The thing is, I thought I knew what I needed, but it wasn't until becoming a mother that I realized I didn't have what I needed in a partner or relationship. This is the case for many of us unfortunately. How can we know as first time parents? I believe that I knew I wanted to be a mother, for as long as I can remember. I didn't always know I wanted a long term relationship, a partner in life. My actions wouldn't support that idea since I have been in many relationships over the last almost 20 years, but the truth is these relationships were a means of seeking attention, safety, of a man to care for me, to fix me, to save me. And the relationships always failed once the fixing or saving was done, once I had moved into a new phase in my life, my womanhood. I admit I thought the relationship that brought Julian into this world was different. It was in that for the first time I chose to be with this person - it wasn't just something I fell into. And we fell in love and had all kinds of hopes and dreams for the future. I think my problem lay in that I hadn't fully acknowledged my pain. Deep down I expected this relationship with him to fix that pain. I had had to be strong for so long. I had to put up walls to protect and shield for as long as I can remember. The trauma occurred early in my childhood where I felt the need to do this (unconsciously) and in adulthood I was still carrying around those walls, though I think I wanted to let them come down with Julian's father. So in many ways I fell in love with him, but I fell in love in where I imagined we could go. A deep and true intimacy like we'd never known. I think I expected this to happen while he stayed up on his white horse so to speak. It couldn't happen unless he chose to get off and I believe we both knew one of the reasons I chose and was drawn to him was because he was strong - he didn't need anybody just as I didn't need anybody. I thought this could be the basis of something great because we'd choose to want to be with one other. I see now I was mistaken. When we both become the most vulnerable we could be as parents, we needed one other, yet didn't know how to say it or change it since we'd played out this pattern of not needing one other for so long. I then felt pain like I've never felt before as our relationship disintegrated and I realized there was a whole other pain there left - a pain that had been for some time. I was sitting in meditation with my new love last night and I had very vivid images come up. An image of a disheveled frightened girl in so much pain. Images of happy moments between Julian's father and I. I felt and was overwhelmed by this great pain. A pain that has been with me for so long. And then I saw a meadow, light, my new love and I in the comfort of our home. The Universe has given me a gift in this new relationship. The gift of having the life I've only imagined. Living it now. With so much possibility and excitement. I'm able to see that I am a person that wants to LIVE that wants adventure and rich and vibrant life experiences. I had pushed that down because I didn't feel worthy of it. I didn't see people around me modeling it so I couldn't see why I would deserve it too. Yet unconsciously or consciously I was making choices to support that adventure and richness in life - rowing in school, going to London as a teenager, going away to college, living away from home, relationships, drugs, traveling to Italy, India, yoga, quitting my job to teach yoga, teaching at my dream studios, writing writing writing, different cuisines and people, tattoos, having a child... These aren't the choices of someone who doesn't want to live. I took on false beliefs of how I should live, how I should love and here I am at 33 finally free to live the live I've only dreamed of. A life I can't see how it's going to look. A life unfolding now. It's amazing. My mind gets stuck still and I feel guilty that here I am and others aren't, that who am I to have this, the fear of what happens when I fully surrender and let go of this pain, what happens when these walls are gone - will they ever be? I don't expect my new love to rid me of this pain nor does he try to. We support each other where we are which fosters a deep intimacy. It's the feeling that it can only get BETTER. And that time is our friend. I struggle with if these last walls could go. I think I'd like them to. I'd like to be fully me, all the time, everywhere, everyplace. No roles, no need to hide. It's a process and a process that I am lucky to share with another and the wonderful people in my life. It's not what I imagined it to look like, but honestly, none of my life has been. I had thought I'd be married with three kids by the time I was 25 and I am blessed to be 33 with a son and a love who makes me giddy and family and community to support me. I consider that to be what I would call blessed. This is my life. And I love it.