To be able to receive love

It's amazing how when you are doing the work alone you can feel so strong. Then you add another person into the mix, a new relationship and suddenly you falter. Old patterns and old triggers emerge. This is where I'm at these days. I'm lucky I connect on an intimate level with my new partner and we are able to communicate effectively most of the time. I am understanding a lot about myself and how I got to where I am today. It's true it takes two to make or break a relationship, but I am seeing my part in the failure of all my relationships along the way and it's quite painful. I'm a woman who desires love, who wants connection, who wants fulfilment and challenge, who wants to grow. I want this for myself and I want this in a relationship. The breakup from Julian's Dad and the almost 6 months I spent alone allowed me to see how I can achieve these things for myself. The new relationship I am in now is showing me how I keep these things from myself. I am an angry person. Am I as angry as I used to be? No. Do I express my anger in most situations? No. But do those dating me or getting to know me on an intimate level feel it? Yes. My life is blessed right now. I have all I could want and more. I have nothing to be angry about. Yet it's there, beneath the surface, just simmering. I want it to go desperately. I think it involves feeling and acknowledging pain. I have been doing this, I feel for quite some time. It seems there's more to feel, more places to go that scare me. I'm going there, not kicking and screaming, but not willingly either. I understand that not going there will keep me from the life I want, the happiness I want, the love I want. It will keep me in a pattern of relationships that end or relationships that aren't truly fulfilling. I can feel this is a huge wall within me. It is the wall that keeps me from receiving love. It is the wall that shuts down my creativity, my playfulness, my joy, my curiosity my wonder of life. Truly it's the wall that keeps me from being the amazing being I see in my son. I don't think I am alone in having it. I think there are many of us who if we were honest know it exists within us too. I've talked a lot about being vulnerable and courageous and I was getting there alone. The Universe presented me with many gifts this last year and into this new year - my son, and a relationship and love I've only dreamed of. Both of these things I didn't have to effort my way into - they were given. This shows me that intuitively on a deeper level I know these things to be mine. I just haven't accepted them on a mental logical rational level yet. So to get my mind to accept what my Self knows. I don't know the way. It's scary and frustrating. I believe the way involves feeling everything. Being honest. Being courageous. Being vulnerable. It involves stillness and quiet. It involves patience. It involves perhaps most importantly being kind to myself - and I mean truly being kind. I have seen some small examples of this. I remember I took the scale out of the bathroom when Julian's Dad and I broke up. I started doing more restorative yoga and yin practice. I'm cooking good food for myself and Julian and my partner. I've recently let Julian cry it out a bit with the help of my partner so I can sleep better at night (he sleeps now a good 8 to 10 hour stretch!) I've done many things I would feel guilty about but the guilt is about doing something positive for myself. I used to always think guilt was a sign of an action you've committed that was wrong but I'm starting to believe guilt could also very well be a sign of an action you are doing that's positive and needed for your own personal growth. Guilt these days to me feels part of the process of surrender. Perhaps it's a guilt for neglecting this inner child inside of me for so long. Guilt for having pushed her to be so strong because she had to. Guilt for not giving her break after all these years. Guilt for still forcing her to be so strong when there's no need anymore.