Something is happening, but I don't know what

I’m prompted to write after 2 weeks that have kind of blown me away and left me feeling something is happening, but I don’t know exactly what it is. I gave my first private reiki treatment on Sept. 18 and after that treatment something changed. I suddenly felt a new energy or rather an old one that hadn’t left me. I was angrier, more lonely, sad, frustrated… and I began to take it out on the one closest to me. Now you’d think a yogi would know not to do that, but I was hit so suddenly with these old emotions I had thought had left, but apparently made a come back. I hate feeling this way. It reminds me of my bad relationships when I felt this way all the time. I got out of that, into a great relationship, a place where I’m very happy in my life, yet all of a sudden it seems lost. I feel helpless and sometimes hopeless. I’m making mistakes and screwing up left and right. I’m acting very selfishly, which I’ve always been selfish, but not this bad. I feel almost like I’m possessed and something is fighting to get out and sometimes it does in fits of crying and yelling. It’s exhausting.

I’ve been trying to tap in with all this energy and see what it’s trying to tell me, to figure out what is happening. The only conclusion I have come to is the death of my old self, the birth of a new self. I don’t follow astrology exclusively but all my horoscopes keep saying I’m missing out on how wonderful and amazing I truly am. That I have so much to offer. I always thought I believed that but I think I’m realizing that way way way deep down, I don’t. I’ve always felt unlovable and not good enough. That’s what’s fighting to get out. The only thing I can hope is that it’s fighting because it knows it’s dying. This energy knows I won’t accept that for long, that I too will be strong again. And that I too will realize my worth. For real this time. I think it’s all coming out now as I approach my 30th birthday, as my boyfriend finally puts the last of his past behind him with the selling of his house from his divorce, and this leaves me with a future. A real future. And I think this is happening now so I can be strong and ready for it. Cause that old energy, it won’t stand up, heck it won’t even come close to giving me the future I can see. It’s like here I am in the now with one leg still clinging on in the past, and another stepping into the future, and I’m being torn to bits in the middle. I have to understand how to pick up that other foot and move it ahead. That is what I am calling out to the universe to show me and I need to prepare myself to receive. I know it won’t come until I am ready to receive it. So here’s to making that happen.