The beauty of not trying so hard

Lately I’ve been realizing the beauty of not trying so hard. It’s something I’ve realized in other areas of my life for awhile now, but it’s shifting into my intimate relationships for what seems to be the first time.

There was a time when I tried hard to succeed at everything, anything I did. I would only surround myself with those things I knew I could succeed at – school when I was younger, and the competitive sport of rowing. In college, it wasn’t so much the school thing but I knew I could succeed at being the girl who was the biggest partier around, always ready for fun in whatever form that consisted of – there weren’t many limits to how far I’d go to have the laughs and amusement of others. I took up running after college and went so far to complete a marathon to convince myself I could succeed at that too. When yoga came into my life after this time, I even tried to convince myself I was succeeding at that too. Slowly, through my practice, I realized the only thing I was succeeding in was creating my own suffering. By trying so hard to please everyone, to make eveything right, to fix everything, to succeed without even knowing what I was moving toward, I was creating a person who was angry and very lost.

I think I’ve stopped trying so hard when it comes to certain areas I used to deem success – career, money, right clothes, look, etc and that’s allowed me to focus more on me and what brings me joy in this world. I know I want to grow as a yoga teacher but I know that it’s something I don’t have to try too hard for because as long as I am dedicated to my practice, I will grow as a teacher as well.

Intimate relationships, sharing love with another, was always the area I tried the most at – and the one I always failed at. I’m finally in a relationship that brings me joy beyond any words can really say – the kind of joy where you want to wipe the glass to make sure that person you see in it with a huge freaking grin on their face is really you. And yes, it really is you! And yes, you’ve had that grin for months now, and yes the feeling of joy just keeps growing! And that is when my fear comes in of losing it all and then I start trying too hard to hang on to that feeling of joy, to that person that has helped bring it into my life, and this only results in tears, frustration and conflict. I am starting to realize when I can let go of my grip and trust I can be grounded in this joy everything flows, the relationship grows, I still have that big grin and I don’t have frustration tears or conflict.

The things that bring the most beauty in this life can’t be forced. They are delicate, they are soft and the only way we can enjoy them is to be IN them. To truly be IN them.