The strength of community

This past weekend I learned of the death of a fellow yoga teacher in the Boston community, Gabriel Feld. I did not know Gabriel personally, but I felt a deep sadness of learning of his death, especially at the young age of 24. As I talked with my fellow yogis, those who teach and practice, I began to learn a bit more about Gabriel and how much he was loved and respected in the Boston yoga community. I found that there were many of us who didn’t know him but also felt deeply connected and saddened by his death. As more of the story unfolded, I learned that his death was a suicide. It was a shock to me to know that someone who was so loved and supported in this community would take his own life, and leave his family and friends wondering why. Yet the more I have sat with this sadness I know and understand that his suffering was my own. Whatever darkness he felt I have felt too. My good friend Heather told me that as yogis we are much more intuitive and connected with ourselves, so this includes the darker more hidden aspects of our lives and personalities. I think we can get overwhelmed by this understanding (I know I do) and sometimes feel alone. But as soon as I talk to my yogi friends, step on my mat to practice or simply teach I understand that my experience is my students experience, my friends experience…. We all have the same fears. I didn’t know Gabriel well enough to speculate on what he was thinking in those final moments, but I do know that he wasn’t alone. And perhaps that’s what we can all learn from. We are spreaders of love and light but that is not all we carry. We carry our own suffering and that too can be shared.

Out with the old, in with the new

Lately I’ve been noticing something about my yoga practice. My left hip and hamstring are slightly tighter than my right. This is a new development. When I first started yoga, it was always the right. I attribute being tighter on the right to being in a competitive mindset when it came to yoga, or much of anything in my life. I was harder, more agressive, not as kind to myself. It seems things have shifted. I can feel that competitiveness is long gone. It’s not important anymore. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I’ve began to love myself much more deeply and therefore am able to love others that way too. I think the reason I’ve been tighter on the left recently is that this love is so great, so deep, I am not very grounded in it yet. It is overwhelming at times and hard for me to fully accept and be in. Love for myself, love for Josh, love for my students and my friends and sometimes when I’m truly open, every person I meet. So even though I am not grounded in this feeling yet, and it can be unsettling, I’d much rather be in this place. I’d much rather have the ability to love this deeply rather than be back where I was hard, on edge, and in a lot of pain. It’s a good change, and I look forward to seeing where it takes me.

Roll with it

Yesterday I was looking forward to taking yoga at my usual Monday spot, noontime with Jene. I had stuffed myself silly on Easter with pasta and garlic bread, more so than any kind of chocolate candy. I needed to sweat out the carb bloat. About 15 minutes before class Jene called me and informed me she was way too sick to make it too class – a last minute can’t leave the bathroom kind of sick. She asked if I could teach and I didn’t hesitate to say yes. We’ve all been there with that kind of sickness right? It’s awful. Now I knew Jene was a popular teacher and people weren’t going to be too happy that she wasn’t teaching. They come just for her class. And add to that the humidity wasn’t working either. You have some grouchy yogis. I walked in around 12 and informed them there was a change of plans. The daggers immediately came out. Now when that happens I can have two reactions – fight back with indifference, negativity, anger (ie if they are going to be nasty, I’ll be nasty back) or try to diffuse that energy with my own grounding, accepting, take it as it comes kind of energy. I told them all this could be great real life yoga practice for them. Taking the unexpected and dealing with it head on instead of resisting and creating more suffering. And you know, they did a good job taking an unexpected situation and turning it into a positive one. The energy shifted from daggers and resistance to a group who was focused and connected.

We have that ability to diffuse negative energy in any situation. It’s not always easy, but if you meet resistance with acceptance, it has to change. If you meet resistance with more resistance, you breed a whole lot of suffering.

Everything in it's right place

Everything in its right place
Two posts in one day? Lord have mercy! I am writing because it simply amazes me how sometimes everything falls right into place for a moment that can last a short while or a long while, but when it does, you are so connected, wide eyed and awake riding that energy. That happened to me today. I usually go to South Boston on Wednesdays with David who is terrific. But it’s a Josh and Me thing and tonight Josh wasn’t able to go. I kept saying I’d go, keep the routine, but something inside me right around 3:30 pm said I wonder who’s teaching the 4pm at Prana, and it was Jacqui. I felt that Jacqui was who I needed to take class with. I show up and it turns out there is no one to do the door/check people in, so since I do it other days during the week, I open up and begin checking people in. Sign one of being in the right place. Then there was Jacqui’s class. Her presence with us, her ability to help us create space, the way I felt physically emotionally spiritually – completely connected. Joyful. At peace. One thing she kept repeating was how we need to walk through our life our practice. She used the example of being in a car and when you ride in a car not paying attention to what passes you by. You walk the same path to get to the same place as in the car and you see so much more. So we walked through our practice, giving attention to everything and anything and that is just what I needed.

I think we all have moments like this whether they are in a yoga class or eating at a certain restaurant, watching a certain movie, meeting a certain person – whatever it is, you can feel it is aligned perfectly. It seems the more present we are to how we are feeling during the day more moments like this can be created.

It's a path we take together

I didn’t have the best start to a day off today. It probably began last night.

Josh had been stressed last Sunday about this work meeting he’s had all week because they were going to discuss Sunday travel for the consultants and having to travel into the office when they are not on site somewhere. Two things he did not want to do and which would make a job he otherwise enjoys a bit more intolerable. Well, he found out yesterday that he is exempt thus far from both of those things. I was happy, I thought he’d be happy about it. We were chatting in bed last night (the best place to chat for a couple, I swear) and I couldn’t quite figure out why he was still so stuck in his head about the whole thing. He told me he wanted the changes that applied to him to apply to everyone – he was concerned about the whole group. I didn’t understand and he said while he was happy for himself for like 5 minutes, that quickly changed. He said it was selfish to care just about himself in this situation. Needless to say, him saying that, brought up my monster and it started to feed on me saying ”yes, look how selfish you are, can’t you think about anyone else but yourself?” Even though he had not called me selfish at all.

The truth is I am selfish. But the also bigger truth is so is everyone else sometimes. I couldn’t think of that though at this particular moment, even when Josh reminded me of that fact. I let my monster feed on me for awhile thinking about what an awful selfish person I was and how could he love me until I asked him does it bother you I am that way and he said no. Then I started to think about how compassionate he was and how I was not, more monster feeding. Somehow I feel asleep with the knowledge that I was “ok” in his eyes. Or rather the monster was able to sleep. I found acceptance and that lulled me off to sleep.

So onto this morning. He wakes up early because he has to head into the office again and I’m laying in bed half asleep half awake waiting for him to come kiss me goodbye. This is something he does anytime he leaves the house – whether it’s 7am, 2pm, 9pm, whatever… he never leaves without kissing me goodbye. I have come to expect it, to be honest, but also to look forward to it. Well this morning, I hear him puttering around and then poof he’s out the door, and I have no kiss. My mind panics, thinking about last night, and wondering if I am really so selfish as to not deserve this kiss. I wonder what I did. I text him quickly and soon after I hear his car outside and him coming up the stairs to kiss me, saying he was in his head this morning about something else, he was sorry he forgot. I feel relieved, but then he leaves, and I burst into tears.

There was a huge fear the moment something unexpected came into my life – something as simple as him not doing what he usually does. I fell to sleep for another 45min or so eventually and when I woke, the monster had settled and my mind was clearer.

I realized to expect him to behave as he always does is unrealistic because he’s not a robot. And neither am I. I think the more connected we are to our hearts life will be more middle ground, we won’t be so stuck in our heads. But until then, we’re going to sway back and forth. We are going to be human. We won’t be in the moment always. And in many ways this swaying back and forth is good practice for us to release our fears and deal with the unknown. To allow each of us to be as we are – selfish, stuck in our heads, sometimes insensitive, whatever it is – to be that along with all those great qualities that make us shine. I’ve realized it’s easy to understand someone when you see that they are just like you – they too are striving toward the light, and sometimes stumbling back into head and ego. It’s a path we take together.