Everything changes

I'm surprised I actually have a moment to write. My 8 week old who had been sleeping very well started to change her patterns the past couple weeks as she's started to become much more alert - smiling tons, cooing, and trying her first attempts at rolling. My good napper only became a good napper if in the carrier and as soon as I put her down after she'd fall asleep she'd wake right back up. With summer now in full force, this has made for one hot mama and baby. Thankfully we have AC in the bedrooms so I'll pace back and forth there when the days are really hot. She also went from long naps to shorter ones, and waking a bit more at night to nurse. Two times instead of her one or none. With children you know this fact that everything changes, but when it happens, it's still such a shock. My two year old said to me the other day "I don't need a kiss" when I went to give him one and I know he's highly independent and self motivated already, and I laughed when he said it, but there was a part of me that said inside "already? he's only two!!!" As much as I know everything changes, and it's changing all the time right before our very eyes, it's still hard to accept that fact. I am reminded of one of my favorite authors Pema Chodron and how she says we're always trying to get ground under our feet, and that's the cause of our suffering. And it's true! As much as I know everything changes, I still don't want it to change. Well, my ego self so to speak doesn't want it to change. That's the part of me that's wrapped up in a big ole I and the attachment to that I and me always being the same, others around me too, the world at large. It doesn't want anything to change because it believes when it does, it will die. Yet we see when things change, we're still here. There's a larger force at work, our spirit, our soul. It's as fluid as water and it changes through the integration of life experiences. It adapts. And it recognizes that it cannot die. When I am feeling these moments of everything changing and I try to hold on, I simply become unhappy, grumpy. I was feeling this as I started to see Ada change from a newborn to a baby. Sure, she's still young but she's not that newborn I birthed in our bedroom just two months ago. I was realizing soon I'd be referring to my baby in months instead of weeks, and I felt how quickly time was passing. I became sad. I knew part of moving on was allowing the sadness to be felt - accepting where I was at - but also accepting the process of change, and seeing where that led me. It's led me to a few things. One, to enjoy her, my son, my husband, my life more. To practice gratitude. And to take a doula training! I knew after the transformative homebirth I had that something was coming but I didn't know what. I could tell in my meetings of moms in these two months Ada has been born that the Universe was trying to tell me something in how many of them were disappointed in their births, wanted a beautiful birth but didn't know how to get it. I felt it very important to begin to support and serve women like me, whose birth experiences were very important to them and they believed they deserved something beautiful! A doula training popped up happening in July in Somerville, so close I could walk to it AND I could bring Ada AND it was on a Monday which is Ian's day off so I'd have child care for Julian. I received the message loud and clear and signed up! I'm nervous and excited. I don't know where this is going to take me. I remember when beginning my yoga teaching journey seven years ago I had no idea where it would take me and it directly contributed to many friends and important events in my life including: teaching at some of the best studios around, my first trip to India, the birth of my son, meeting my husband, a second trip to India, and the birth of my daughter. All of this in seven years! Where will the next seven take me? I have to remind myself of this wonder when I am stuck in the daily grind and feeling overwhelmed at times, scared, confused. Things are always shifting. Simply listen! I was just thinking the other day how before my son was born I'd LIVE for summer... yoga and the beach every day, driving with the windows down my music loud, hot hot hot sun sun sun I loved it! Now... give me winter! Give me a cozy day inside with my kiddos to stay warm, slow down...give me AC and a shady tree in the summer and temps no higher than 80... I have a Moby tattoo on my right shoulder. I thought back then - I love Moby!!! Granted he's pretty cool, I like his music, but if I'm honest, I really got the tattoo cause I was infatuated with this summer fling of mine who had just been tattooed on his lower groin - ya know that spot girls love cause a fit guy is always really "cut" there? Haha. Well someday I'd love a huge back piece to turn that Moby tattoo into something else... though when I'm in the supermarket and someone taps me on the shoulder and says, I loved him in the 90's! it's fun. So it's time to quit being hard on ourselves. I'm hard on myself because my kid had a muffin for breakfast the other day, because I should be catching every single one of Ada's smiles when she's awake instead of trying to pay attention to what Julian is saying... I'm hard on myself because I should be paying attention to Julian in all his wonder and curiosity and not distracted because I haven't had a moment of self care, time to myself in weeks... I'm hard on myself because I should want to make love to my amazing husband who adores me and supports me but all I want is to be left alone ... I'm hard on myself because my body is slower to get back in shape and a chatturunga is the hardest thing ever these days... I'm hard on myself for many more reasons, every day. This is my pep talk, my reminder that everything changes, 5 years from now it will all be a memory, so it's time to live it, be grateful, accept where I'm at, and find self love and compassion. In a big way. Cause I need it!