Sunday, June 22, 2014

Have you told a Mom lately she's doing a great job?

I'm about 10 hours in to my first solo venture with two kids. Ian is traveling to NYC on some business for an art show he's curating in August and will be back tomorrow late afternoon. We've had a great day! I dropped Ian off to teach his meditation class this morning, then took the kids to Target where I let Julian be out of the cart for a bit helping me push it around the store. This is as a first as anyone with a toddler knows - they love to run and to pick stuff off the shelves! He didn't run much, and when I told him to put stuff back, not much fuss. We went to our usual park this morning while Ian taught his meditation class. I can let Julian run free easily while nursing Ada. I know he's really comfortable at this park. Then we picked Ian up and all went to Davis Square to have some falafel lunch before dropping Ian off to the T. We came back home, and Julian had fallen asleep in the car. He luckily transferred easily upstairs for his nap. I took Ada out of the car first and walked her up our many stairs, then took Julian up - you get strong carrying a sleeping dead weight toddler up stairs! Of course since Ada slept the morning she woke up when Julian went to sleep, but I was ok with that. It was just nice to put my feet up on the couch, nurse her, and check out Drumlin Farm, a place I want our family to visit sometime soon. While doing so, I discovered an open position that looked great for Ian to apply to since he's done working on the farm come October. I even got a little snooze and when Julian woke around 3 we watched some Sid the Science Kid (really fun PBS show) and got ready to go to a new playground - the Hodgkins Curtin park near Davis Square. We were pulled over along the way for a brake light out, but no kids cried, and I didn't freak out and just got a warning to get it fixed. At the park, I was nervous about getting us all in as I was bringing a few of Julian's dump trucks because I knew one of the great things about this park was all the clean sand! We managed well - Ada in the carrier, and Julian holding my hand, and my other hand holding the dump trucks - diaper bag over my shoulder. Parking near the park helps. It was a lovely park! He played in the sand and I saw a Mom I had met at another park recently. She was telling me her son was in a horrible mood today - to excuse him - and I said we call it Mr. Grumps when Julian is in one over here. My Mom started it when she was visiting. The woman laughed, and said, yeah, sometimes you just gotta laugh it off. I thought how hard we are on ourselves as Moms. We think our kids should be in perfect behavior the entire time and we get frustrated and often embarrassed in public when they aren't. We forget they are just kids still learning to express their emotions and heck even talk for many at this toddler age! They aren't robots and neither are adults. It's a reminder I have to give myself when I am having a Mr. Grumps day as I often feel as an adult I should have it together all the time, as should everybody else. And we don't! My kids certainly give me more compassion for myself and others. I talked with another Mom there of three boys whose kids didn't look like a lot of the other kids there. They didn't look like the other kids in the sense they were dirtier, and less timid and more free in their play. She definitely seemed like more of a free range parent like I was talking about in another blog post - not hovering, letting her kids get dirty, letting the kids climb the slide or take their dirty dump truck onto the slide where other kids come down. I liked it. I think I had always thought that as you add more kids, one to two to three etc you need more rigid scheduling and authority but she did a great job of keeping her kids safe while letting them have freedom. She clearly knew her kids - in the sense of this one likes to run, this one needs to hang close, etc I find myself being more of this type of parent though sometimes I still get caught up in what others may think or what I should do or my own fear around letting go more when it comes to watching them. It's not to say a parent who schedules heavy or is constantly watching their kids is wrong. It's just that the behavior this Mom was showing with her three boys felt more at home with me and how I'd like my children to grow. I also chatted with a Mom of a three week old. She was at the park with her 3 year old daughter, and mom, and looked pretty bleary eyed, as I'd expect. First thing she said to me was - tell me - does it get any easier? I told her what I found exhausting having two, and what I enjoyed and we began to talk some more. She said how her three week old has the same digestive issues as the first one and she's up a lot of the night. Her three year old goes to bed late, and she's just exhausted to the point of crying. I told her I could relate on that exhaustion though I didn't have as high need of a newborn. We also swapped birth stories and she told me how she was induced with her first and had a c section because her daughter was positioned incorrectly and she couldn't push her out and how she ended up with a c section with the second because the baby was breech. Such stories which I've heard MANY lately send off warning bells in my head and continue to further my desire to be a doula (which is for another post) but I listened with an open heart and simply told her: "You're doing a great job" She smiled weakly, but seemed to appreciate it. How often do we tell a mother, you're doing a great job? If you are one of the lucky ones, you hear it often. But most of us, hardly to never. It doesn't mean we have bad spouses, partners, family, friends. It's simply that the role of a mother is taken for granted. The work that goes in day in and day out. I think it's taken for granted because many of us kick ass moms out there (and there are a lot of us!) we WANT to do this work. I know I do. I chose to have two kids, close in years, to not work currently, to be a FTM. Yet just because we want to do something, doesn't mean we don't need appreciation for it. And that goes for any of us out there! I used to think this wasn't the case, but my views have changed as I've grown wiser. I need to hear, I'm doing a great job as a mom and because I need to hear it, I'm going to make sure I voice it to other Moms out there. Sure, I need to toot my own horn too, but I also need support. And even if you aren't a Mom, you too need to toot your own horn and have support. I'm working on doing it for myself and other Moms, and I'm working on doing it for my husband and other friends and family too who are all doing hard work and want to feel appreciated. And there's a difference between wanting to feel appreciated and complaining. To complain, is to not really find gratitude for the hard work you are doing. With gratitude, comes acceptance and compassion for what may be challenging in what you love to do, and you can then offer the same acceptance and compassion to others. So to all the Moms, you're doing a great job! And please please, let other Moms know.

No comments:

Post a Comment