Thursday, June 19, 2014

I'm done with pushing through

Do you know I've been writing this blog for 4 years? Some years more consistently than others. I have a tendency to slack in my writing when things are so called "good" and only write when things are "bad" Right now I don't think things are good or bad. There are days I'm truly happy and blissed out. And there are days I struggle and wake up feeling like I'm recovering from a hangover except the hangover is my LIFE. I find that most days there's a wave of emotions and I go from frustrated to confident to vulnerable to cold to happy to sad all in the span of the day. Hey, isn't that what they call bipolar? I was telling my husband that in many ways I think most of us exhibit these highs and lows but are grounded enough to ride them. I'm riding them! And those of in the midst of parenthood experience them more frequently, and I'll chalk it up to the simple fact that we are sleep deprived and exhausted, and often not realizing how much so, since we as human beings are incredibly resilient and can push through most things. But is this healthy - this pushing through? This staying the course so to speak? There was a time I would say YES it's what makes us STRONG. I'm not so sure anymore, as someone who's done it for many years, and still gets caught up in it. I try to avoid the news as much as possible but today I happened to glance at a story a friend shared on facebook. Well, this story was about a father who left his 22 month old son in a hot car in Atlanta accidentally. He was supposed to take the child to daycare on his way to work. He forgot, child was left in his car, he came out 8 hours later, realized shortly thereafter what had happened while driving, pulled over and tried to revive his child, completely distraught, but it was too late. He kept saying "what have i done what have i done" My heart breaks for this man. He will judge himself, many of us out there would judge him too, saying how could he do such a thing? Honestly, any of us who are parents if we are honest, would say I think, it could happen to me too. The exhaustion a parent feels with a young child is off the charts. Add to that daily living and all the things that supposedly need to get done - work, dinner, laundry, cleaning, picking or dropping kids off, etc etc and a person is overwhelmed, stressed out, and not present in their lives one bit. Or very little. This father loved his child, I am sure. I can picture it, a busy morning like we had here. This wasn't exactly our morning today but it has been. Just imagine this: 2 year old wakes up several times throughout the night, crying, seeming to have a bad dream though he can't tell you for sure. You bring him into bed which houses you, your spouse and your newborn, six weeks. Two year old wiggles like crazy making it impossible to sleep. Wife is up nursing the newborn so (dad) head out to the couch to get some rest, but the couch isn't that comfortable. Your two year old comes out around 5am saying daddy daddy let's play and you are half asleep wanting coffee but you didn't' get it ready night before and your wife is probably too busy with the baby to make it. You play with your two year old, while slowing waking up, realizing you better get in the shower soon so you can get out of the house by 7 to beat some of the traffic for your hour commute. You say hi to your wife who's coming out bleary eyed holding the newborn while struggling to make your son breakfast with one hand. The two year old is screaming he wants oatmeal but we don't have any so your wife is asking what other options he wants and he rejects every one while jumping up and down. The newborn starts to cry. You take a quick shower because your two year old is pounding on the door and as you get ready to leave the two year old throws his oatmeal on the floor, and some gets on your pants. Time to change and now you know that hour commute just go to an hour an a half. You rush out the door with no breakfast, no kiss for your wife, saying have a good day.. and your wife says don't you remember? you are bringing tommy to daycare today. You say yeah, sure sure, I forgot I gotta print something out I need to bring to work. Presentation today. Can you put him in the car? Your wife glares at your, hands you the baby and says think you could say hi to your daughter before you go? with tears in her eyes.. and she gets the two year old ready. You print what you need, wife is back and you zoom out the door handing her the baby. See ya later. You hop in the car (the two year old fell back asleep, perhaps since he was up at 5?) and you are off, turning on the radio to that heavy metal you can only listen to in the car anymore, remembering what it was like to be young and free. The hour commute turns into an hour and a half and you pull, in, rush into the office, cause you are late for that presentation. Do your socks match? you think.... So this is fiction what I wrote, but honestly, some mornings are an absolute shit show in our house. None of it excuses forgetting your child. But it's more the society we live in, the values it teaches, that contributes to this than human forgetfulness. Imagine if this man lived in a society that valued family? that valued slowing down, keeping a pace that was more conducive to being present to where you are at, to what is around you, to the most important people in your life - your kids, your spouse, your family etc This society is too plugged in. We are constantly being told more more more. And we are resilient, we are good worker bees - we keep on, keeping on. Why? If we listen closely, we may hear it's time to slow down. If we look at our physical selves we may see illness and disease, and still we don't listen to slow down. We schedule our kids into a zillion activities, day camp all summer. We worry what our bosses will think if we leave even 30 min early to see our kids in school play or heck just to beat traffic and be able to sit down to dinner with our family and not feel like we are rushing through. We feel guilty to want to stop, to pause, to go at our own pace. Who makes these rules that we have to push through, go go go? WE DO. Yes society keeps this pace but WE created this society. And I think most of us deep down would rather have something different. So we need to be the change, each of us, in our daily lives. We make choices daily that equate to pushing through, slowing down, recognizing our need to stop, recognizing we are completely and utterly exhausted. And done. Where are you pushing in your life? How do you justify it? Where can you find ease? I explore this daily as a Mom of two. This morning when Julian went to the neighbors I thought of all the things I should be doing but instead I just nursed Ada, sat and made smiles and faces at her and took a short nap, cause that is what I really wanted to be doing. And this afternoon when Julian went for his nap I came out here to write because I said I needed to for my own sanity and something is better than nothing. Even if no one reads this, I've voiced what I need to say, what often lies sleeping inside while I go through the daily caring of my children, supporting of my husband, in many ways the neglecting of my own needs. If anything, this blog is a way to address those needs, and then I can move on from there. This blog is a way for me to be honest with myself, to see my exhaustion is building, and that I too could have a breakdown. So I pause. I stop. I cry with Julian as he cries and he says are you frustrated I say yes, he gives me a hug. In many ways, my children are the ones I cry with, my children are the ones that see me trying to push through and just unable to do it. My children help me to give myself a break. They are with me. They see the journey. They are my saving graces.

1 comment:

  1. thank you for being real! i see so many parents who just muscle through and constantly smile for their children. i've been known to cry right along with anthony. we're all doing it together. xo

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