Thursday, June 5, 2014

A New Direction

It's a rainy Thursday afternoon. Julian, my son is downstairs playing at the neighbors. Ada, my one month old (today!) is sleeping with a cold, poor thing. I'm here writing to you, instead of watching Netflix, going through Facebook, cleaning the house, or a gazillion other things I could do. Having children has made me realize the preciousness of time, and how it's spent. I started to understand this with Julian, it became clearer during our three month trip to India, and now with the birth of Ada, it's smacking me in the face daily. Time is precious. We think we have so much of it, but we don't. My kids are growing so fast - yes even Ada - how is it possible a little over a month ago I was very pregnant awaiting her arrival and today she is a month, looking so different already than the newborn I gave birth to? I've noticed how easy it is for me to waste time - to rush to get things done, like cooking, or laundry or whatever so that I can "have time" to do something else, like enjoy my kids, and then the day is gone. Isn't that funny? Rushing through activities, barely present with them so we can "have time" and then when we finally "have time" we are too tired or the time has passed. I keep saying soon I will do something nice for my husband, Ian, he's so great to me and such a good father and how did I get this lucky... only to have the days and weeks go by and then it's a birthday or a holiday to remind me to do something special . I say today, I'm going to take care of myself, do some home yoga practice, try to cook that new healthy dish, and again a week goes by before it happens. Granted, I am quite busy. Sometimes I just can't get to it, with two kids to care for. But honestly, if I managed my time better, I could get to a lot. Or at least I'd have my choice of what to get to, what to do. This period for me, since I stopped teaching yoga last November has been the longest I've gone without working... um ever! I've always been someone who felt the need to DO. To accomplish. I've realized in this space of not doing for 6 months that one, I'm still doing a lot, and two, the need to DO was more centered on what others would think of me if I did do NOT, so to speak. And truly my judgment of myself if I was not doing. I was thinking the other day how I would love to get my second sleeve, my other arm tattooed and a voice goes, how can you do that? You aren't working or earning an income right now. And honestly I'm not sure when I will. I told Ian I wanted to just be a Mom for awhile (as if there is such a thing - to JUST be a Mom) and he supports me fully on that. I think the piece that has kept me from fully embracing it is that one, deep down I don't believe I deserve all this - that I can this blessed to have a loving and supportive husband, kind I only dreamed of, and two amazing gorgeous kids, and a lovely community to be a part of and share in - yeah Somerville! - and to just enjoy it all. People will tell me that's so silly... how can you believe that? But what can you do... we all often have these long held beliefs that however silly or whoever tells us it shouldn't be there... fact is, it's there. And for me it's coming up so strong these days as I lead the life I've only dreamed of, but not always fully in it, fully enjoying it. So I'm being JUST a Mom, knowing Ian will not be working on the farm come October (he's been working on an organic farm since May) and wondering what our lives will look like then. Living on the edge, but honestly, it's the only place to be these days for me. I tried to have that safety net underneath me and it never worked. And living the other way, on the edge so to speak, has left me the most alive, the most happy, able to have the life I want... so shouldn't I trust it will all work out? Back to this new direction... I was thinking as I ponder self care, self compassion and love and what I may want to do for paying work if I need or want to be earning again... and the best thing I could come up to address all of these is to write. I wrote from as long as I can remember. Journals at 8, 9, 10... first poem at 11... so I'm changing this blog to be about motherhood, and life. That's where I resonate these days. Happy reading!

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