Thursday, June 5, 2014

Free Range Parenting

Have you heard this term lately, free range parenting? I laugh every time I hear it because it makes me think of a bunch of half chicken half kids running around. Some examples include not hovering over your toddler at the playground, letting your first grader walk to the corner store alone, letting your kids play outside alone, letting your kids walk to school, or cook unsupervised or with minimal supervision, or leaving your kids in the car while you run into Starbucks, the bank - a quick errand. I read an excellent article on this subject by a woman who left her 4 year old son in the car for about 5 min when she went to run an errand and the legal drama that ensued for her as a result. Check it out here: http://www.salon.com/2014/06/03/the_day_i_left_my_son_in_the_car/ Some quotes I took away from it: "We live in a society where most people believe a child can not be out of your sight for one second, where people think children need constant, total adult supervision. This shift is not rooted in fact. It's not rooted in any true change. It's imaginary. It's rooted in irrational fear." And "... too much information - parenting books, birthing classes, a gazillion blogs and parenting sites and magazine... I think all the info, all the conflicting extreme philosophies of parenting (attachment vs. cry it out, etc) makes us NOT trust ourselves." And one more "I worry what other parents will think if I hang back on the bench, reading a book, while my kids are playing at the park... And so I accompany when I don't need to. I supervise and hover and interfere. And at least half of the other parents are probably doing the same. This is America and parenting is now a competitive sport, just like everything else." What has happened? I think all of us who are parents currently with young ones - those of us in our 30's in particular - can remember playing unsupervised a lot when younger. My brother and I were always running around in our backyard and surrounding woods without our parents. I rode my bike down the road to my friends house about a mile away and in the surrounding development without a helmet all the time. My brother and I rode in the back of our parents Izuzu trooper with no seat belts often. The list goes on and on. I would say that I am a free range parent without really knowing I was. I remember when Julian was a baby and I was alone for a week with him while his Dad was traveling. I was living in Watertown and really wanted some sushi from this place down the street. Breastfeeding makes you ravenous as you mamas know, and I needed some protein! I ordered it, but I had to pick it up. No delivery. I drove there, he fell asleep in the car and I did not want to move his car seat for fear of waking him. And I knew I'd only be a few min picking it up. So... I left him in the car. I don't think I've ever told anyone about this because I was ashamed thinking I was doing something wrong, but honestly, it felt like it was the ok thing to do in the situation. That was the only time I did it. I don't regret it. In our home, I never childproofed anything. This doesn't mean I leave knives out for him to play with, or chemicals handy or things to tip over on him, but it does mean there have never been any baby gates, even when I knew my son could open the door to our front stairs. There's never been anything over our outlets. I've never locked cupboards. My kids have free range of the house. My eyes and ears are open but I am not always in the same room or if he wanders I don't follow. I trust him to know the rules of our home and I trust myself to know if I have left anything out I shouldn't have. I've even left him alone with his new sister for a few moments as I start to trust he understands the need to be gentle. At the playground, I am not on top of my toddler. I let him roam free for the most part unless it's something he's climbing on that's a bit big for him. I would agree with the author that we live in a world of irrational fear. It is a result of too much information. I have felt it, before children and yes it's been stronger with kids. So what do I do.. I don't read a damn thing. I turn off the news. Nowadays, facebook too. All of this helps me to trust myself, and more importantly trust and know my children better. To know when they are ready for something, or not. The truth is I can't control all of the thousand things I could think about that could happen to me or them. I am in control of very little, truth be told. This is scary as Julian gets more and more bold and strong. I cringe as he jumps and climbs just wondering if we will have a hospital trip for broken bones or stitches. We had a moment while in India where he fell on the playground and we had to bring him to the hospital because the cut looked bad on his chin. We survived it, he survived it. It's hard to know I can't control them getting hurt, and for me even more so when it comes to emotionally getting hurt. I think of our older cat Kubie and Julian having to experience his loss someday, or worse the loss of a loved one. I think of Julian's friend Will who lives downstairs. Julian sees him often during the week and Will will be moving in about a year when his Dad graduates grad school. How will Julian take losing the bond he's had with his friend? I think of the first time his heart will be broken. Or when he finds out there is no Santa Clause - that devastated me. These things hurt my heart more than any physical harm, though of course the thought of a broken bone or a stitch hurts too. Even though I know it will hurt to see him in pain, I don't try to prevent any of it. In many ways, it may hurt us, the parents, more than him. Kids are fairly resilient. We as parents bring these children into the world and realize we are the most vulnerable we've ever been in our lives. And then at the same time, we realize there's nothing we can do to control their suffering. What a moment! Parenthood is painful, no doubt. But it's beautiful and joyful. If we can embrace that vulnerability, we become whole again, through them. This issue of trusting ourselves... again too much information out there. Too many distractions. Trusting oneself comes from truly being quiet, silent, and in that silence and stillness, then we know. We sit long enough and we know our strength. We connect to intuition. When I was planning a HBAC, I read one book my midwife recommended to me on healing trauma from birth, and that was it. I didn't read any other books, attend any other classes. With my midwife's help, I trusted in my ability to birth my baby at home. And I did! The worrying what other parents, other people think - that's been a struggle of mine. Even as a second time Mom, when I show up to the park and my baby is in short sleeves and no socks cause I know she runs warm while all the other babies are bundled up, I judge myself for a moment. Should I be doing something differently? At the same park, when I lose sight of my toddler for awhile cause I'm sitting with other Moms enjoying our newborns and then I see him with the older kids getting himself soaked in the water fountain and drinking dirty water from the water fountain, I think, does someone think I'm a bad mother? The thing is - I'm a damn good mother, and so are all of you! My kids are fed, clothed, listened to, and loved every day. I have to pee but I sit down to play 10 more min of trucks. I am starving but I feed my babies first. I am exhausted but I do my best to listen anyway. So free range parenting or not, lets drop the labels and support one other as the excellent mothers we are.

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