I'm done with pushing through Part 2: Getting to the heart of the matter

So tonight I was faced with the realization that it's not that I'm done pushing through - it's that I can't. I can't do it anymore. I'm six weeks in as a mother of two and the exhaustion of trying to essentially do it all and keep things the same has caught up to me. I've tried to make the transition as smooth as possible for Julian but to do so it involved me going back to putting him to bed and it expends a lot of my energy and time. Before Ada came along, I had this vision of Ian really being with the kids at night, and mama getting a break. Well, it hasn't been that way. I've been with the kids and on 24/7. Ian comes home and helps out but I've been the one to put Julian to bed, which some nights can take an hour or more. I've made it this way. As I sit hear and write this and listen to my son cry for me as Ian puts him to bed, I cry along with him. I am realizing many things. The birth of Ada in many ways is the loss of my baby. Julian has been my baby. And with being a single Mom for awhile, he and I have been particularly close and connected. Embracing Ada means letting go of my baby. I can't push through this knowledge anymore. I can't stuff it down, the feelings. It's expending all of my energy and leaving nothing left for my husband or me. I've been pushing through to protect him, to shelter him, in many ways living the life of a single mom again as a mom of two. I'm holding on to the pain I've felt around the loss of my relationship with his dad, the worry of how it affects him, of who he will be. My son is now a little boy and growing up and moving into a new phase of life. Julian is just two years 3 months but he is so independent. The kid could probably go to a 5 day a week almost full day school and do just fine. He'd say "bye mom, see ya later!" He seems three already to me in much of what he does and how he speaks. My heart breaks again at the loss of my baby as it embraces the boy he's becoming. I think this happens again and again. It did the first time when he turned a year, when I stopped nursing him, and now with the birth of Ada. I fear losing him but know he's not lost. All of this is a part of growing, of changing, of moving on. It's so hard though. And I'll have to do it all over again with Ada. She's been sleeping in our bed and transition to her crib will be the start of it. I don't think I am alone in feeling this way. I don't expect it to get easier. It's a part of being a parent and the acknowledgment of it what fosters the most individual growth. But tonight my heart breaks. But