We all want to be heard

This morning I woke up with that feeling of just UGH. The exhaustion of a month of a mom of two hit me yesterday like a ton of bricks. And after much crying, arguing, talking it out with my husband, I went to bed and woke up feeling like I'd just been through a storm. Not the greatest way to start the day, and so exhausted and thinking how can I do another day of this? Thankfully Julian was being watched by the neighbor for a few hours and Ada is taking her long morning nap she's been doing most days. It's been a month of Ada here and I was talking to Ian recently how quickly I feel back to my "old" self. With Julian, I didn't feel that till about 5 or 6 months, which was when me and his dad broke up. I dont' expect such drastic change this time around. Yet I can feel something is shifting as I learn from Ada, as I learn from this experience of a mother of two. How can it not? I'm not quite sure where it's bringing me, but I can see the lessons I'm learning are ones I haven't learned yet. So they keep coming up. I can only imagine that as I learn them then I will know where I'm ending up, what this new self may look like. Ian was sharing last night how he's frustrated that on his days off we just can't take off for a whole day because Julian or Ada are napping or we are running errands, etc. Now it's not that we can't take off - we could - but Julian naps for about 2 to 3 hours mid day and if he doesn't get that nap he's a total crankster the rest of the day and frankly, if I don't get some of that nap, or these days just a few moments of QUIET time, I am a total crankster too. Well anyway, Ian voiced this and it triggered something in me something fierce. I said things like - well, what do you want me to do? Not give him his nap? Keep the baby out all day? Are you saying you don't like the ordinary, our regular routine? Do you want to be somewhere else? And he told me he was just looking to be heard. He didn't want me to fix anything. He just wanted to be heard. In that moment, I realized I just wanted to be heard too. I realized I resort to fixing when I am in need, when I need to be heard, when I am not taking care of myself. And then came the tears. And I realized suddenly how very exhausted I was. A friend of mine messaged me on facebook and said she was thinking of me as a Mom of two and mentioned her second baby was just as difficult as her first. High needs. And she said Cheers to Moms who are up all night. I have a feeling she too was looking to be heard and I replied in a way that was perhaps a tirade - a wave of emotion, listing my ups and downs, and in a way, making it about me. Couldn't I find compassion and just hear her even if my experience is a bit different? Just say, I hear you Mama, that's rough. I am not up all night usually with my newborn. Ada is in fact a great sleeper. Long nap in the morning, long nap in the afternoon, to bed by 930 or so, and I'm up once to nurse her usually before she wakes to nurse around 5. Now her brother, my two year old, to bed by 8 or 9, if I'm lucky sleeps till 5 without waking, or on a not so good night, up once asking for mama but usually a quick hug and rock gets him back to bed. Anyway, I may not be up all night, but I am still exhausted. It's really the combo of the newborn/toddler as this mama friend of mine has said. I find that when I am taking care of myself well I don't need to be heard as much. Or rather I'm clearer on making my needs known as they come up, at letting my feelings and voice be heard. Now when I am exhausted and lacking time to myself and self care as I am now, I need to be heard but I'm not clear on that. I get so exhausted it's so much easier to just be silent when I have a moment, or go to sleep and frankly I am exhausted at times to the point I don't know where I'd even begin to be heard. I haven't had enough time to myself or stillness or quiet to formulate that. My days are filled with endless toddler chatter or baby coos and cries - no time to be inside my own head my own thoughts. So clearly I need some more time. I'm thinking of going back to taking yoga classes soon. I know I need to but I'm conflicted as it's so hard to leave. It became easy for awhile as Julian Ian and I settled into a groove. Then I became pregnant and I knew life was going to change soon so it became harder to leave Julian but with Ian's help in India he did a lot of things just he and Julian and I had time to myself, to be in my space. Then we came back and Julian's behavior changed as he knew something was changing - a baby was coming - so I felt compelled to take less time for myself. And frankly being that pregnant I just wanted to be home. Now Ada is here and I'm torn with time with them as they are growing up so fast and my days are filled with the pain and joy of seeing this. And wanting time with my husband as that time is rare these days but knowing without time for myself I can barely look at him, or listen to him, or truly hold space for him. So yes, I want to be heard too. I want to be a woman and a mother who can vocalize my needs and feelings without yelling or screaming or crying or lashing out but in a way in which I know I am deserving of being heard. I want to practice self care so that I can hear my husband and meet his needs, I can hear my children and meet their needs. For me at least, self care is a way to hear an inner child that hasn't been heard or had its needs met. That's a post for another day, but I've noticed mothering brings out that voice of my inner child as I see childhood through my children's eyes and become aware of what I missed in my own. Mothering is certainly one of the most powerful and profound ways to hear a voice that has perhaps been silent for some time. I find myself recollecting things I haven't remembered in decades from my childhood and even doing things I did as a child I hadn't done in ages and remembering I loved them - cartwheels anyone? I even sang new kids on the block the other day... the right stuff! I am hearing that inner child and feeling her feelings, and frankly she has a lot to say! Till next time....