Detox with Stillness

It's March and finally we can see the grounds and sidewalks again. It's a muddy, dirty and often hilarious mess. I've found not only the Christmas tree we placed out before one of our many storms between Dec. 26 and early Feb, but a hairdryer and small fan in our melted snowbank. I look at this mess and I think DETOX. Yard needs to be picked up, branches cleared, sidewalks cleaned and soon we will see green grass growing, flowers and trees blooming, people walking about. This detox applies to us as well. During the winter we hibernate, we plant seeds for our spring growth and hopefully do some internal work for what is to bloom. Sometimes more often than not, we're eating heavy foods, being lazy and watching episode after episode of Grey's Anatomy on our couch - myself included.

One thing I made a routine this winter, in addition to keeping up with my yoga practice, was a meditation practice. I started taking class once or twice a week at South Boston Yoga and attempted to add in some time during the week at home. I began this because I found during my meditation class when I sat for 30 to 45 min that my mind was going in all kinds of directions. It made me realize that if it was doing this while I was still, it must also be doing it while I was moving around, even during my yoga practice, and that I was never truly PRESENT. This was scary to me, in the sense I didn't want to live my life that way. I wanted to fully show up for my students, my friends, my boyfriend, my family, etc.

There was a great article on Elephant Journal recently http://www.elephantjournal.com/2011/03/why-yogis-dont-meditate/ which talked about why yogis don't have a regular meditation practice. I admit I was one of these yogis. The only times I've been able to commit to a regular practice is with a teacher - first years ago with a Buddhist monk at the Concord Buddhist Center and now at South Boston Yoga. I kept telling myself before my regular practice that I didn't need to sit to meditate - I'd meditate while practicing, teaching, doing the dishes, etc. Some of this was true. I have found that teaching is one of the places I am truly in the moment - most days :) But within my yoga practice it depended on the teacher. If I was with a teacher who encouraged rest and doing what worked for me, I could get out of my head. If I was a teacher who was tougher, more vigorous, I became competitive. And in my daily life, I was a horrible listener with friends and family, often stuck in my head, zoning out.

It's a practice, but I find I am able to listen better, to look people in the eye, to HEAR them and to notice when I am not. I am able to be there for my students more, and for myself in my own practice. I take challenging classes and teachers and modify, rest as I need to. I am not fully present all the time, but I am calmer, able to be ok with stillness and not just filling space with endless chatter. I am even considering a 10 day silent meditation this June. http://www.dhara.dhamma.org/ns/ My meditation teacher recommended it to me recently and my first reaction was completely from my head "what? me? are you sure?" I was in total fear. He reassured me and then I thought more about it, and said, why not? What better way to detox than to be with myself in the most intimate format? I was telling one of my students about it and he said "Heck no! I'd go crazy." I'm not saying this type of retreat would be right for everyone - some people need to talk it out. For many of us though, we've talked it out until we are blue in the face and sometimes we still play out old patterns or are still unhappy. If you think you'd go crazy, more reason to do it, right? That's how I see it. My meditation teacher said it would take my teaching to the next level, as well as my relationship with myself and others, and I have no doubt he's right. Deep down, it feels like just what I need over any kind of yoga workshop or teacher training. Don't get me wrong - I love to study with my favorite yoga teachers and new ones and learn new ways to approach my practice, but I don't feel it will give me right now the kind of transformation I am seeking.

Meditation has been the detox I have needed. Detoxing with stillness has led to more insight into the nature of my mind - the restrictions and holds I place on myself and others based on fear, where my mind likes to roam to escape (fantasy, daydreams about future) and it's shown me in terms of my body how things work or don't work. It's also give me a great gift - stillness, nothing, emptiness. I have felt it here and there in my meditation practice and it's incredible to know that exists for me, that I can rest in it and feel love and joy, instead of fear. I make healthier choices all around. My Meditation practice won't take me out of this world, as I've heard many anti-meditation folks speak about, but it will allow me to live more fully in it.