George Michael knew what he was talking about when he said "You gotta have faith" I found out two weeks ago I was pregnant, and here I am 7 weeks. Faith, or as I like to call it, trust, is a huge part of my world right now. It is the heart of my yoga practice.
The first week I found out I was pregnant I was elated, excited and thrilled, and thought my boyfriend to have the same reaction especially since this was a planned pregnancy. He was excited, but was more quiet, thinking. The pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had my first pregnancy meltdown - does he want this baby? Will he be here for me? Waaa, waaa, waaaa. Where was my faith and trust? How quickly it left as our world began to change.
So I began to journal again. I began to share my news with those I loved. My boyfriend began to share his news too. We talked. We agreed to take it a little bit at a time and not think of everything that needs to be done at once.
And then begin my symptoms. Week 5 and 6 I had no morning sickness, but my small boobs became increasingly swollen and tender. And still are, LOL. I was so gassy and bloated, and was cramping, but no blood thankfully. My faith began to lose hold again as I read online (you can GOOGLE anything!) about my symptoms. Some women said all of this is normal, as did some of the expert sights, but then of course you read the cases were this lead to miscarriage. My mind of course wanted to focus there. So I turned the computer off. I practiced yoga, breathed into my body that I could feel was beginning to change, but was really still my own when it came to my practice. I called my Mom. She told me not to worry. And here I am 7 weeks and a lot of the gastrointestinal stuff is gone and I just feel tired and have swollen boobs and wonder.... am I really pregnant?
Century after century women have been giving birth with no ultrasounds, no doctors, sometimes on their own, and sometimes in the most horrid conditions. I remind myself this as I wonder what the heck is going on in my body, as I remind myself to trust my body knows what to do. A friend who is an ultrasound tech said she'd give me one before my first prenatal visit (at 9 weeks) and I told her thanks, but no thanks. Some people were shocked. Why wouldn't I want to see? I read online of women buying their own ultrasound kits so they could do it themselves as insurance often pays for just one or two, or makes you wait till end of first trimester. This is crazy! Women have turned from a place of intuitively trusting their own bodies and the change of pregnancy, process of labor. They have changed to a state of fear, operating from that place.
I will acknowledge my fear of going to this first prenatal visit and being told there's no heartbeat, nothing there, and recognize this fear is not based in reality, of anything that is known. I will focus on what is known - 3 positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, no period for almost 2 months. I will acknowledge my fears of the process of labor, having a natural childbirth, will I be able to do it, and recognize this is the unknown and like anything that is unknown I approach it with intention and presence. I will acknowledge my fear of being a bad mother and hold steadfast to my belief that YES LOVE IS ENOUGH.
When you acknowledge fear, you can set it free. You understand it is not based in reality, in what is known, when you examine it closely. Your recognize it's your trust and faith that have got you this far, not your fear. It is enough, it will carry you through.
I 'just happened' to see this link on FB. It is exactly what I needed to hear this morning. We are all on a beautiful journey of transformation, birth and rebirth and yes Love is always enough. Thank you for sharing your journey. Blessings to you, your boyfriend and your beautiful new life as it grows within.
ReplyDeleteTo my firstborn granddaughter, CONGRATULATIONS! I had begun to think I might never see the great-grandmother phase of my life and I am delighted that you are turning that negative into a positive. Your blog is well written and conveys to me your keen awareness of transition from self to self + one! You have begun to understand that unequivocally beautiful transition known only to a woman! Under your heart, you now carry a new life so precious, so beloved, so dear ~ you will instinctively bond and safeguard its being with your entire body and soul. Nor will that motherly instinct cease at birth. In fact, it will swell and transcend boundaries previously unknown to you. You will nurture with a profound and endless love. Like a marriage vow, the relationship between a mother and her child, and/or all her children, is everlasting "until death do we part".
ReplyDeleteI wish you a good, happy and healthy pregnancy, Mandy, shared by your loved one, and with your loved ones. A new little twig is growing on the Wilson branch of the Family Tree and I happily anticipates the fulfillment of time, when the new little one will be lovingly placed in Great-grandma's waiting arms.