Happy Birthday Julian!

Dear Julian, Well baby boy, here we are, your first birthday! And what an amazing year it has been. There have been so many changes since you have arrived in this world! Changes in you as you've grown from a babe into a little boy, changes in me as I've grown into the role of your mama, changes in all of those who have been touched by your presence! Mama was teaching her usual back to back Saturday morning yoga classes this week at Open Doors, one of the highlights of my weekends for many years. I was finishing up my second class, they were in Savasana (you'll know the bliss of Savasana one day!) and I suddenly was struck by so much emotion. I wept as my students rested, composed myself to finish class, and continued weeping when the studio was empty and I was alone again. I wept because I was overjoyed we have made it this far and I am seeing you grow into a loving, kind, spirited, funny little boy. I wept because I am realizing a time that existed between us is ending. This time of you and I solely being each others worlds. Ending may not be the right word - it's shifting. It's clear though, that a time that was, is past. When you get older and ask when you were a babe, there will be lots to tell. This first year of your life was a challenging one for me. The challenge was not you - you were and are the most amazing gift I could ever receive. You've brought me on the most incredible journey - that of being your mama - that will last a lifetime! Your daddy and I created you, though I do believe you chose us. We created your physical form but you, your essence, has and will always be a part of this world. You simply decided that Daddy and I had something to learn by having you in our lives and let me tell you, you are an amazing teacher! We are learning everyday. I won't speak for Daddy, I am learning, but I would say that he agrees. You will probably have questions about what happened between Mommy and Daddy as you came into this world and why Mommy and Daddy are no longer together. There's really no easy answer for that one, buddy, as there are no easy answers to many things in life. I will tell you this - there always was and always will be love between your Mommy and Daddy. You were created out of love. You are precious and loved so much by your Mommy and Daddy and are lucky enough to be loved by so many in our circle of friends and family. Growth is why we are here, love. Evolution of consciousness, of ourselves. You are already a sign of that - how much you've grown in a year! So on this path of growth, things change constantly. And nothing is certain. You just have to love yourself, know yourself, and live from that place and grow from that place. Sometimes this will mean relationships with others will shift and that's ok. Nothing lasts forever. Some relationships will grow with you, and fear not, if some pass, others will come into their place. Your birth was the denouement of a beautiful journey together Mommy and Daddy had traveled. Now we are traveling this journey with you, and still learning, though just not quite as we thought it would look like together. That's ok. Life often does not look like we expected, but if we let go of how it should look, we are able to embrace the mystery of the unknown, of the NOW and the miracles that occur there. Mommy is honest, and honestly bud Mommy had reached a point where she wouldn't want to date herself, and if I didnt want to date me, certainly no one else would either! I needed some time alone, and luckily with your birth, I didn't have to do it alone. You were by my side, helping me as I grew. I will tell you also that some of the things Mommy has realized about herself as a result of no longer being with Daddy are very important lessons, and lessons that would not have been learned with him as we were before you were born. I believe in many ways you are my greatest teacher, my son. You have already just by being here revealed to me so much about myself. I am so grateful to you for that! I believe as you grow and communicate on different levels with me you will continue to teach me so much. Here is what you have taught me already: I cannot control anything. Life is in a constant state of change and flux and nothing is certain. The one thing I have control over is my choice to live in the now, to be happy, to feel worthy of love and belonging and to receive it. You daily show me that you embrace this constant state of change and you still love and life fully! Once I accept I cannot control anything, I am set free. To be me. I am working on this one daily, and I am reminded that I don't have to try so hard because simply being aware that I am working with it, is enough. That brings me to this - I don't have to try so hard. I can just be me and that is enough. You've shown me that trying so hard only frustrates me, those in my circle and pushes people away. You've shown me how important it is to find gentleness and ease within myself and translate that to every area of my life. Your mama has had to be strong for a long long time to feel safe but my son, I intend to never have you have to know what that feels like while you are in my care. You will be safe in my arms, in our home, in the people I surround you with. You can be free to live the childhood I never did and will find your own strength when you are ready, and as you step into adulthood and of course with me waiting in the wings to remind you you are loved, you have someone in your corner, when you feel that you don't. You've taught me that letting go is the greatest gift I can give you, I can give to myself, to my relationships, to my life. Letting go and that process of surrender allows me full freedom to love and to trust. You've shown me how I've spent my life trying to be perfect, trying so hard to hold it together, to be what people expect of me, to consider always what others want of me and how this has caused me to live inside of an extremely fragile shell of a person. Because of you Julian, because of your love, because you have chosen me as your mother I have blossomed. I am more authentic than I have ever been. I am kinder. I am wiser. I can look at myself and see my contribution to all my mistakes, my failures, in work, love, you name it. I can see my role in them all. I weep today recognizing my part in keeping me locked down, my part in pushing people away, my part in creating this illusion of self I had held onto. You've shown me I am enough. The Universe has trusted me with this gift that you are and with that trust has said I am enough. You've shown me love can be easy simply by showing up. You've shown me the process is the journey - the work is always happening - there is no fixing or final destination. This is it, right NOW so live and enjoy it! Worry no more, let the pain of the past go as it's not happening now. That has been the hardest one my son, as the past is quite painful, and happy memories are shrouded in a lot of hurt, but each new day with you shows me the more I hold onto that hurt, the less I get to enjoy you. And I want to enjoy you and grow with you and love you this day and every day - for always. You are my son. And with you, I am eternally blessed. Thank you Julian James Puskarich. Thank you thank you thank you! I love you Chunkadoos. May we always have cheesy smiles, and dancing, and tickles and laughter and smashing peas on our noses, and all other kinds of silliness. xoxoxo