Recognizing my mind, choosing my words

I have been trying to start a regular meditation practice this year. So far it has mainly been a class or two a week at South Boston Yoga where I sit for 30 to 45 min and on a good day actually feel myself slipping in so to speak to basically nothing - and nothing feels real spacious! Often though it's watching my mind and seeing how it gets pulled in one direction so easily and then I'm on a downward spiral. Thinking about what I want for breakfast, and that leading to the pancakes I had at my favorite diner, and then how that diner has a restaurant that serves dinner and how I should really try that sometime, and so on and so on. Exhausting! I believe that being aware of all the doings of my mind is a good first step. I also admit it's kinda fun to indulge my mind when I feel like it and day dream, fantasize, go off on these tangents. All of that though leads to suffering because attachment develops and a fantasy is just that - a fantasy. It has nothing to do with reality, what's happening right now. I've noticed that I like to fantasize, I like to day dream. This is something I've done since I was a kid. As a kid I was doing it mainly because the life I was in I wasn't too happy with. I had parents who at that time fought constantly. My house was not a fun place to be so I'd pour myself into books and go day dream of what my life would be like someday. I'm lucky enough now to be living a life I love. I get to practice and teach yoga, and surround myself with people who are loving and supportive. I have the relationship with my boyfriend I've always dreamed about but never thought I could have. My mind will tell me that my life is not enough some days, that I need more, or worse that it's going to fail. And what my mind comes up with a lot lately is that I am not connecting outside of my teaching and yoga community. I've been watching this pattern and what I notice is it happens when I am feeling fearful, when I am caught up in my story of how I think I should be, or what a relationship should look like. It doesn't happen when I am just in the moment enjoying whatever that may hold. My lack of connection in those moments when I am caught in my head comes from being disconnected myself, from anything that I already have. Isn't that crazy? Here I am feeling disconnected, talking about disconnection and it's all happening while I am not even involved in the present moment, just following a fear and story in my head. One of my biggest problems has always been when my mind is running rampant to want to blame someone else for it. To want someone else to say something, to do something to fix it. It doesn't work that way. I am learning to speak up in the moment if something is disagreeable in a non-confrontational way rather than shove it down, and let my mind have a field day with it until I blow. If I come home and Josh is playing video games and I want to unwind with him and do something else, say "hey babe, mind if I put on some music? It's been a long day. or hey babe, wanna watch some grey's?" instead of "have you been playing video games all day? why is it so loud?" etc etc I'm at a place where I am very aware of the patterns of my mind, and where it goes when I am afraid, insecure, etc I am still working on being able to choose my words in those moments, to speak with honesty, truth and from my heart. I think the more I can try to do this, the downward spiral won't happen so much, and those moments I am feeling disconnected, will go to being connected instantly when I honor my truth.

Intention high, Expectation Low

I taught an arm balance workshop this past Sunday and talked about the difference between intention and expectation before class. I think this is something that we confuse all the time, and it leads to a feeling of disappointment and sense of failure in our practice, and our lives. I thought this lesson was a good one to discuss before arm balancing because so many of us look at success in terms of getting the full posture - our crow, side crow, scissors, flying pigeon, etc We do not look at the important steps required to get into the full posture and feel a sense of accomplishment at working with those steps. I believe this is also how many of us approach our lives. We are hard on ourselves and others to do a certain thing, or attain something in our work lives or relationships. We become disappointed when we do not complete the task or the other person does not, and we feel like a failure or call them a failure. This is because with expectation comes attachment. When we expect something of ourselves or others, we are attached to an outcome. It is an outcome we've already planned out in our minds. This outcome is something that is in our minds, devoid of the present situation we are in, our present state. We leave no room for possibility. For example, you expect the man or woman of your dreams to be this height, have this job, like these things, etc etc You create what is truly a fantasy in your mind and then when the person walks in who is loving you for you, you can't see them because you're caught up with your imaginary person. And then possibility, a moment, is lost. Pretty sad, huh? So here is how intention works. With intention, we do not have an attachment to a desired outcome or result. We are open to possibility, to what form our intention may take. It means connecting to what you desire or want, and then letting it go. It involves trusting that the universe will bring to you what is for your highest good without you having to search hell and high water to find it, to create it. It takes the control out of our hands and allows us to simply be. We don't like this feeling because it causes us to wonder what our purpose is if we are not controlling and creating in our minds exactly how we want things to be. Imagine how much more space for creativity, for expression for POSSIBILITY would exist if you were not holding on so tight to expectation and attachment! Your life would be filled with freedom, with excitement, with joy. Intend the kind of person you want to be, intend the work you want to do, the relationships you want to have - let it come from your heart and not any preconceived notions of who you think you should be or who someone else tells you you should be. Let YOU define YOU. That is what intention is all about, and which expectation has no business being a part of.

The Weary Kind

It's the evening before another foot to 2 feet of snow and wintry mix fall on the Boston area. I am getting weary. I think it's snowed every week like clockwork since Christmas. And we're not talking storms that bring a dusting... we're talking storms that bring inches or feet. This began as the first winter in a long time that I've been feeling good about, excited about. I couldn't wait for it to snow. And now, well enough is enough! It's cozy and nurturing and all kinds of yummy goodness when you can stay in. When you have to drive in it, when you have no place to put the snow - the fun begins to end. The weary feeling starts to set in. Weariness at just hearing about another storm without even having to shovel yet.

I was feeling this as I went to yoga this AM to take class. I was running late and looking for parking in Southie on Foundry St. Many of the available parking spaces are covered in snow or ice since many folks don't move their cars and they just don't plow very well there. I found a space and knew as I pulled into it I was on ice. Tried to back out and spun my wheels smelling burning rubber for a few moments. I decided to let it be and head in to take class and then teach afterward. What could I do at that moment by keeping those wheels spinning except create more suffering for myself? I came out early afternoon and couldn't move my car - still stuck. I walked to the apartment building near there and asked for help. A young guy came out and threw some ice melt down, and moved my car out of the spot for me. I went to the store on my way home, got some ice melt, and threw it in my car. Lesson learned and so grateful for the kindness of strangers!

Winter really seems to bring our community together. People are often helpful because we're all in this together. That's a nice feeling isn't it? Community reminds me of the importance of asking for help. It's easy to do that with our loved ones, and other community of people (friends, work etc) that we trust and see all the time. It's harder to do with our larger community, the Boston community, the MA Community, the USA community, the World community. We forget our humanity. I'm just so happy it all exists. I am not alone. And I don't feel so weary anymore.

Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind

You called all your shots
Shooting 8 ball at the corner truck stop
Somehow this dont feel like home anymore

And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try

Your body aches
Playing your guitar and sweating out the hate
The days and the nights all feel the same

Whiskey has been a thorn in your side
and it doesnt forget
the highway that calls for your heart inside

And this aint no place for the weary kind
And this aint no place to lose your mind
And this aint no place to fall behind
Pick up your crazy heart and give it one more try

Your lovers wont kiss
Its too damn far from your fingertips
You are the man that ruined her world

Your hearts on the loose
You rolled them sevens with nothing lose
And this aint no place for the weary kind
- Ryan Bingham from Crazy Heart Soundtrack

A Year of Firsts

We are almost a month into 2011 and I am amazed at how positive and upbeat I am feeling about this year already. I went into the new year deciding to support my highest good, and within each moment, listening to what I needed or wanted. This is something I've always convinced myself I'm good at because I am such an intuitive person, but being intuitive doesn't mean you necessarily listen to what your intuition tells you :) That was my AH HA moment. I've realized I've been much more comfortable just going along with the flow, and often not speaking up when I needed to or should - and even when I knew what I needed at that moment.

So I started the new year out with yoga. I breathed, I sweat, I meditated, I chanted.... I celebrated community and the joy of being in this body, in this human experience, with about 100 other folks. It was amazing, and cultivated positive energy that has supported me thus far. It was a first for me. The first time I did not ring in the new year drunk. The first time I said what I was going to do without waiting to see what others had planned. The first time I didn't do the traditional new years kiss with my boyfriend. The first time I chose to spend new years without him. Leading up to this empowering choice of mine, I was freaking out. I was agonizing over choosing something I wanted and wondering what others thought of me. And you know what? The world didn't end, my boyfriend and my friends were still there the next day, some of my friends even came out that night to practice yoga. Through it all I started to understand that I actually have what I've always wanted - loving and supporting relationships. That I have become the women I've wanted to be - a woman who makes her own choices. It's allowed me to trust what I have - relationships, work, etc so much more and to just not question like I did. It's led to more firsts - making almost an entire dinner by myself for my boyfriend and I with recipes I chose, marketing myself more because I believe in my teaching and feel my students and friends want to hear what I'm doing, what to know what I'm thinking, hence this blog. Replacing fear with optimism and enthusiasm is quite liberating.

A Gift

I have been horrible about keeping up with this blog. I think of things all the time that I could write about, but haven't done it. I guess you write when you have a moment that truly transforms you, and tonight was it.

One of my regular students came to my 5:30 class tonight and said that she was a bit emotional this week so she may be working through some stuff on her mat. I told her that is of course ok - it's encouraged! She then went on to tell me that it was the anniversary of the death of her son. I said how sorry I was to hear that. She told me she had lost him 6 years ago when he was just 2 weeks old. It was a complete shock. He was born a healthy baby but contracted a bladder infection a few weeks later that killed him. I couldn't even imagine as she told me this how devastating this must have been. I told her that she was courageous to show up to her mat and she said she'd be lost without her yoga.

I was already planning to do a deep hip opening class with a special heart opening release at the end. It seems I already knew what she needed before she arrived. As we moved through class, I was definitely drawn to her but wanted to give her enough space to support herself on her own, but also enough attention to let her know I was there. You could feel everyone's energy syncing as we moved through practice and accessed the deeper parts of ourselves, peeling back layers, to reveal our raw yet tender hearts.

Before Savasana, we did something one of my favorite teachers did recently, but first when I was with him at Kripalu this past Feb and it was a major breakthrough. It seems simple enough. You sit with your arms by your side, and then slowly let your arms come up to touch palms, and then back again. But by slowly, I mean SLOWLY. The whole things takes at least 5 min, maybe more. Hands are extensions of the heart, and as you lift them, you feel the weight you've placed on your heart, and the layers you've placed over it to keep it protected. And as those palms slowly lift, it's an awakening of what you have had all along. This pure and tender heart, the beauty that is me, that is you. Our suffering and our joy. Everyone's experience is different but I could feel the energy shifting into complete surrender, and a lot of sadness. Sadness over what we've lost. But a joy over the simple fact that this heart still remains, and it can love.

After class, this student was sitting on her mat gently crying. I went up to her and wrapped my arms around her and she cried more. We were silent. And then I kissed her lightly on the cheek and told her THANK YOU. She had given me a gift by letting me share in her own process, her own grief. She had given us all a gift. I left there thinking of the ones I love and how blessed I am to see them everyday. I thought of the ones I've lost and how they had touched my lives. We all left that room more intimately involved with one other than we may have ever been, just through the ability to give the greatest gift that we have - our own heart.

2010.. the year of no expectations

You'll have to excuse me for all of my posts today. I am shutting down my website and just using blogger and my monthly newsletter and facebook to keep in touch, so I wanted to archive my old blog posts on here, but somehow I can't seem to change the date to 2009. Maybe I'll figure that out as I learn blogger more :)

I have had a great three months of the new year already. Can you believe we're already about 3 months in? I've traveled to Kripalu for the first time to study with David Vendetti and Todd Skolgund, I've begun practicing at South Boston Yoga much more, and I've started a daily yoga practice (30 days in TODAY). Not bad huh? And through it all I'm learning that one of my lessons this year is no expectations. I was always someone who put high expectations on myself, but often higher expectations of those closest to me. This made me very competitive, a perfectionist, control freak and quite demanding. Through my practice of yoga, and also perhaps the wisdom that comes as you get older, I have loosened those expecations on myself significantly. I know my strengths, I know my limitations, I know when I can push harder, and I know when I have to let go. That doesn't mean I still don't feel insecurities as to whether I'm doing my "jobs" well - as a yoga teacher, volunteer coordinator at yogahope, girlfriend, daughter, friend, etc I've realized when I worry less about these roles and more about just being me as much as I can I know I'll be doing my best.

The issue I've often had is dropping these expectations for others, particularly those I am closest to. I still am demanding at times, and finding myself disappointed and frustrated. I am the creator of my own suffering. The more I am present to what I am doing I start to realize how unfair it is of me to expect of others what I do not expect of myself. They are not robots and are human like me, and carry their own stresses and are sometimes distracted, in their head, tired, or just not feeling like their usual self. The ones I love the most give me the space to just be me, in whatever capacity that is for my current moment and situation, so shouldn't I do the same? I noticed in those moments when I have I receive more. When I am not expecting, I can see all around me, instead of just the wall in front of me. I am more aware, and have less tunnel vision. This allows me to be open to receiving. If I am not open, the universe will not send such gifts to me. I am understanding this lesson slowly and hoping to live it in 2010.

Stop seeking and receive

Wow, my last post was intense huh? Well, I’m happy to say I’ve definitely moved through some stuff into a place where I’m more grounded and confident and just simply, ok with me. I don’t think those old feelings of being unlovable and not good enough are completely gone (they’ve made their presence known here and there, and sometimes they are REALLY hard to resist) but I’m in a place now where the future is not as big a concern as it was. I used to constantly think about what’s next, having a goal in mind to keep my focus. Now, I’m happy with what is. I’m in the moment more, not striving toward one thing, but receiving blessings. I notice in this new place my mind can act up more from time to time because nothing is happening… or so it seems. The mind wants to seek out constantly instead of trusting that what is meant to come to you, will come. So my mind will get restless, and that’s when those old feelings will come up and I’ll focus on the negative. My lesson when that happens is to stop and remember where I am, what I have, and those thoughts will stop. It doesn’t always work, but more often than not. For example…. today I was in the shower, doing my thing, and I happened to notice something written on the bathroom window, that showed up as the window fogged up. It said “I love you” It brought the biggest smile to my face you can imagine. Josh had told me he’d written it there days ago but I just saw it today… you know why? Because I wasn’t seeking it out. When I seek it out, it doesn’t come. But when I let things be, those words and actions of love, and blessings abound. Truly something to remember as we move into the Holiday season and a time where people tend to expect and seek. How about you let go a little more and just see what gifts you will receive?