Julian James Puskarich was welcomed into this world on March 8, 2012, 715pm. He weighed 8lbs 13 oz. The finale to my pregnancy was not what I expected and was dealt with a lot of joy, tears, pain, fear and courage. Here's my story.
I had a terrific pregnancy. No complaints till the end, and those complaints were minor. I was able to remain active - teaching and practicing yoga. I have pictures of me doing handstand at 8 months! My practice become more restorative in my 9th month as I prepared for labor - but there was still a chatturunga in there sometimes ;) Well, I had dreams Julian was arriving early. But my due date came and went. And a week past my due date came and went. My anxiety built with each passing day. I was doing my best to enjoy my time with Josh just the two of us, to enjoy some me time before the baby, long walks with the warm winter weather, but it was challenging to just... wait. Really, to just be. I knew induction would start to be talked about. I was delivering with a midwife but at a hospital. I knew they didn't like women to go past 42 weeks and my blood pressure had been higher after I went past my due date, so they were concerned about that. I just felt so much pressure... so many watchful eyes... and I wanted this to be as natural as possible, just as Julian was created. The baby was probably causing some of my BP woes since he did turn out to be 8lb 13oz but I am sure my own anxiety did not help. I just wanted to be left alone... to go on a desert island to have this baby!
On March 6th I had a mid wife visit. We talked about induction but I said I'd really like to wait till 42 weeks to give him a chance to come on his own. She agreed to it in the office though later on that evening she called me and said she was really concerned about my BP being higher the past couple weeks and recommended I get induced that night. I said we'd come in the next day for another NST (non stress test) for me and baby which had shown him fine all along and talk about induction then. We went in, test was great for him, my BP still high, and we agreed to begin cervical ripeners as a form of induction to see if that would put me into labor on my own. So we were admitted to the hospital on March 7th and the cervical ripeners began around 12pm. I started feeling crampy, nothing significant, they suggested I order lunch. We relaxed, or rather I relaxed and Josh was pretty bored. Can't blame him! He took some walks, played with his Iphone. I got another dose around 4 and started to feel contractions but nothing major, a little more consistent. I ordered dinner, something light. I tried to sleep. The third dose began around 8 and we watched American Idol. I was feeling stronger cramps and contractions but nothing I couldn't talk through or handle at this point. Then I remember distinctly I heard a pop around 1030pm and I thought the baby had kicked me very hard. All of a sudden I realized something was different when I went to shift and gush after gush of fluid came out. There was so much! I said to Josh very calmly I think my water just broke. He jumped right up - finally something was happening! We were both excited. We got the nurse and she confirmed, said I was in early labor so try to sleep. How could I sleep? My baby was coming! I was full of adrenaline. Josh decided to get some sleep and I sat on the birth ball breathing, listening to my Hypnobabies Come Out Baby mp3. I walked around the room. I got on hands/knees for some cat/cow. I enjoyed this time. I felt the contractions coming close together and the peaks and valleys of them. I was glad for the rest in between. I would wake Josh to ask him to rub my back as I felt a lot of discomfort right in my sacrum. I felt most of my contractions or pain in my sacrum and low belly. Oh yeah - I didn't want any pain meds so was choosing to do this med free.
Well they checked my cervix sometime in the early morning hours - time frames get fuzzy here! I forget exactly how far along I was but it wasn't what they were looking for for the time I'd been in labor. I came in at 1.5 so a lot of cervical ripening had to be done. They said I was doing good so let's let you go along on your own a bit longer but time to think about pitocin to help the contractions become stronger. I was experiencing regular contractions (about 2 min apart) but they weren't increasing in strength. They all knew I wanted to let this run its course as natural as possible, but they were showing dips in the baby's heart rate sometimes and that concerned them. They believed he was head down but a star gazer - chin lifted rather than tucked, so when he would attempt to make his way down, he wasn't quite getting his head engaged to ripen the cervix. My cervix was still very posterior and needed to drop down. Well, at some point pitocin was given. I didn't handle it that well, and neither did the baby, so they didn't let us go with it for too long. At some point I was in the bath tub. That was heavenly. I took a snooze for a bit. I was definitely still able to talk just not during my contractions now, and I was certainly exhausted. So we began to talk about other methods of getting the contractions to pick up, baby to tuck his chin. They suggested different positions to labor in which I tried - childs pose, half lunge - but if baby's heart rate dipped again, I needed to shift. C section was brought up the longer I labored and still not a lot of progression. They knew this was a last resort for me so they suggested inserting a catheter into my cervix filled with a balloon of fluid that would cushion the baby's head. I had lost all my fluid by now and they thought baby might also have trouble coming down cause there was no fluid to cushion him. I said ok - we were now at about 24 hours, 12pm on Thursday. They wanted me to lie on my back for awhile for this and only shift side to side. I said ok, even though it was the last thing I wanted to do as I was having a lot of sacrum pain. They said this had to do with the cervix being so posterior. Well, this was a very invasive procedure. I had already had a number of cervical checks which kept feeling more and more invasive, and now I have people sticking this catheter up my cervix. There were more people in the room now. I was very scared at this point. I think Josh was scared seeing how much pain I was in as they did this procedure and then my contractions really picked up. They were coming 1 min apart about with no break and I was having such a hard time focusing and breathing without being able to move. Josh was holding my hands, locking my eyes, trying to keep me focused. They offered me a popsicle, I tried it and threw up. I was moaning in pain and writhing in pain. I was hoping beyond hope this was doing something - it felt like it was in my body. At some point finally I could move and I went and sat on the toilet. I just felt comfortable there! I would moved between leaning on the bed and sitting on the toilet to labor. Contractions were definitely more intense and my eyes would roll back in my head while in them - I couldn't focus on anything but them and couldn't do much in between. I had a bit more rest between contractions, and then they started to slow again. This is when they suggested more pitocin. I had been at 5cm for some time now. They thought my body was doing a good job but it was taking its time and baby was showing distress and dips in his heart at times. We were both exhausted. I said ok. They started it and I quickly knew I couldn't handle the pain. After laboring as natural as I could, I asked for an epidural, about 29 or so hours in... I wanted this to work but knew I needed some pain relief and rest for it to be an option. I was confined to the bed, a catheter was put in, more drugs and fluids pumped into me... I felt helpless and hopeless. It was good to rest, and I just hoped the pitocin would get me the vaginal birth I wanted. Unfortunately, it became quickly apparent the baby was not tolerating the pitocin. The spikes in his heart rate were concerning to the doctors. A c section was mentioned for a second time. They said I could continue as I was seeing if the pitocin would work, but they said it was apparent the baby was in more distress. I was so exhausted, so over wanting what I wanted, and just wanted more than anything a healthy baby boy in my arms. Josh had been so supportive during all of this, letting me choose the labor I wanted through it all. We both agreed to the c section at this point, knowing it was the right option for the situation we were in. I felt relief knowing I'd meet my son soon, but also scared as I'd never had surgery before let alone been in the hospital hooked up to so many things, so many drugs and such pumped into my body. Josh and I held hands and cried, more out of relief for me, sadness over not getting the delivery I wanted, Josh more out of fear I believe. He later told me he kept thinking how his whole life was on that operating table. Josh put his scrubs on and had to wait in the room while they got me into the operating room. There were so many people and voices in there. They kept me calm by talking to me and making jokes. It helped, though I was shaking so bad. They kept asking me if I was cold, I said no, just nerves. Shock really I believe at this point. They put an oxygen mask on me which freaked me out a bit and they made sure I couldn't move from my chest down as the epidural took further effect. They told me I was going to feel a lot of pressure and people kind of prodding, moving things around. Josh was finally let in and we held hands and locked eyes. There was a lot of pressure - I wouldn't say I felt pain initially but it was uncomfortable. It seemed like forever... but eventually they told me we're almost there, and then he's out! He didn't cry right away but very shortly after I heard his first cry. I can't even remember if Josh cut the cord. I know he didn't want to see them taking the baby out of me. Josh went to Julian as they cleaned him up and swaddled him. He had a good set of lungs. I could see a bit, and very shortly after Josh brought him right up to my face so I could say hi and give him a kiss and talk to him. We were both crying, happy, relieved. It turned out Julian's cord was against my cervix so every time the little guy would try to come down he'd press on his cord and drop his heart rate. That wad the trouble we were having the entire labor and possibly because he was so big, it was difficult to get him to turn, move or reposition. Josh went with Julian to the nursery while I stayed in the operating room to get closed up. I felt more pressure this time around and pain - the pressure was so intense. I found out they took my uterus out and then put it back in. I was starting to go into shock a little more now - having trouble staying focused. I don't know if they gave me something to relax or if I just passed out for a bit, cause I woke up and they were about done. I was wheeled off to recovery and finally allowed to hold my son and breastfeed. He breastfed immediately, like a champ. That made this mama happy. Once I held him, he opened his eyes and we locked eyes, nothing else mattered. He was perfect. How he got into the world didn't seem as important.
10 days later my hormones have finally started to settle. Instead of constant highs and lows I'm more grounded and vary from a state of elated happiness at getting to be this little boy's Mom and states of exhaustion, and crankiness. Each day gets a little easier, there's a little more of a groove. I start to feel a bit of my old self, and also begin to understand more this new self. And I take the time to grieve. I cry over what I didn't have in my birth experience. I cry over the trauma inflicted on my body - literally having my baby cut out from me. I don't know if every woman feels as I do, but I know my body knows something happened - in the sense the journey from egg and sperm meeting to our baby being born wasn't quite completed. It's like a short circuit. But breastfeeding my boy, holding my boy, singing and loving and sharing with my boy, closes that short circuit. And my body is healing fast... so fast.... which doesn't surprise me. I don't push it but I know I'll be back to a yoga class soon for the support of community and the guidance of some of my favorite teachers. In the meantime, I practice at home when I can. A down dog here, a forward fold there, this and that.... the focus less on building anything and more on healing and releasing. I think in some ways I'll always grieve over this labor and delivery, but the pain lessens over time. The compassion for myself and honoring and recognizing the strength and beauty in what I did go through, increases. I was able to labor naturally for quite some time and be in that experience and know my body has the ability to birth. I was able to labor with my little boy for 31 hours. I was able to provide the vessel from which he grew and came forth. And I know a VBAC is very possible for me in the future. I will keep savoring every moment with my little guy as I heal myself physically and emotionally.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Fear as my greatest teacher
Most of my Facebook posts are light, often about my teaching schedule, or what fun things I have planned for the day, who I am thankful or grateful for, or a spiritual tidbit/quote. Today I posted in response to something that keeps showing up: "Don't tell me what I should or shouldn't do. I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. I don't need to be fixed and neither do you. I trust that you are being guided by intuition and a bit of the divine. I trust that I am being guided by the same." What irritates or bugs us the most, and especially if it keeps showing up, is the Universe's way of saying, take a look at this - within yourself. The words I posted were a pep talk - to myself.
I have always been someone who does not like being told what I should or should not do. Or can and cannot do. It may be an oldest child thing, or a child growing up in an alcoholic family thing. Little adult at an early age. So I've always walked my own path and trusted that I know myself best.... or so I thought (about that last part, the trusting part)
I've realized over the years, and with the help of yoga for sure, that this pattern of not liking to hear the shoulds or should nots have irritated me more than most people. I had a harder time letting go when someone would voice an unasked for opinion on my life to me. Being pregnant has brought more of this on than before. People who are strangers, to acquaintances, to friends will offer up their opinions, advice, without me asking for it - and more so now that I am really showing and my due date gets ever closer. At first I'd brush it off, thank them politely, take it with a grain of salt. But apparently it affected me more than I wanted to admit or deal with. And then I asked what is all of this saying about me?
As someone who doesn't like to be told should or should not, I have lived in a place of fear. I put up a good front, say I know what I'm doing, but as soon as those words SHOULD came out I question my belief in myself. My so called trust in myself isn't as strong as I thought. And I get angry - it's directed at you, but I'm truly angry at me, for not believing.
It's most easy to see in others what you don't want to see in yourself. I'm good with being supportive, compassionate, offering suggestions but not dishing out my own should or should nots with friends, students, coworkers, acquaintances.... but when it comes to those in my innermost circle - family, my boyfriend Josh, my soon to be son... I am not so good at keeping my mouth shut.
This has come up most with my boyfriend Josh. I've found myself during my pregnancy telling him he SHOULD go to the doctor, get a check up... he SHOULD get to yoga more.... he SHOULDN'T be going out having drinks with his buddies.... he SHOULD be reading more pregnancy books, preparing for our son's arrival... etc etc Not once did I hear a SHOULD from him... he's never been the "let me treat you different cause you're pregnant" boyfriend and I so thank him for that. He's listened, been supportive, for my highest good.. I have not done the same for him. And the more I sit with this I understand it's my own FEAR coming up. The FEAR of him not being around and having to do this alone. The FEAR we won't be good parents, we'll screw up in some way. Loads and loads of FEAR.
I think we can all say when we dish out the should or should nots, when we try to FIX someone we do it with the best intentions. We care about said person so much. But what we truly care about is masking our own fear, taking the quick way out by reacting to another person so we don't have to deal with it - fixing them so we feel better. It's not about that person's highest good. And so the fear remains.
The work becomes trusting myself and what I intuitively know to be true - in my body, in my life, in myself. If I truly trust, when someone gives me a should, should not, when someone tries to fix me, I won't feel this internal bubbling of fear. I'll be able to smile, recognize that what they are saying is about them, and only I am the one who can make it about me. When I trust in myself, I will trust in another person's ability to do the same. I will trust that just as I know how to care for myself, Josh, and those I love, know how to do the same. It's scary to let go of that fear. It's been such a safety net, but I'd rather believe I can fly.
I have always been someone who does not like being told what I should or should not do. Or can and cannot do. It may be an oldest child thing, or a child growing up in an alcoholic family thing. Little adult at an early age. So I've always walked my own path and trusted that I know myself best.... or so I thought (about that last part, the trusting part)
I've realized over the years, and with the help of yoga for sure, that this pattern of not liking to hear the shoulds or should nots have irritated me more than most people. I had a harder time letting go when someone would voice an unasked for opinion on my life to me. Being pregnant has brought more of this on than before. People who are strangers, to acquaintances, to friends will offer up their opinions, advice, without me asking for it - and more so now that I am really showing and my due date gets ever closer. At first I'd brush it off, thank them politely, take it with a grain of salt. But apparently it affected me more than I wanted to admit or deal with. And then I asked what is all of this saying about me?
As someone who doesn't like to be told should or should not, I have lived in a place of fear. I put up a good front, say I know what I'm doing, but as soon as those words SHOULD came out I question my belief in myself. My so called trust in myself isn't as strong as I thought. And I get angry - it's directed at you, but I'm truly angry at me, for not believing.
It's most easy to see in others what you don't want to see in yourself. I'm good with being supportive, compassionate, offering suggestions but not dishing out my own should or should nots with friends, students, coworkers, acquaintances.... but when it comes to those in my innermost circle - family, my boyfriend Josh, my soon to be son... I am not so good at keeping my mouth shut.
This has come up most with my boyfriend Josh. I've found myself during my pregnancy telling him he SHOULD go to the doctor, get a check up... he SHOULD get to yoga more.... he SHOULDN'T be going out having drinks with his buddies.... he SHOULD be reading more pregnancy books, preparing for our son's arrival... etc etc Not once did I hear a SHOULD from him... he's never been the "let me treat you different cause you're pregnant" boyfriend and I so thank him for that. He's listened, been supportive, for my highest good.. I have not done the same for him. And the more I sit with this I understand it's my own FEAR coming up. The FEAR of him not being around and having to do this alone. The FEAR we won't be good parents, we'll screw up in some way. Loads and loads of FEAR.
I think we can all say when we dish out the should or should nots, when we try to FIX someone we do it with the best intentions. We care about said person so much. But what we truly care about is masking our own fear, taking the quick way out by reacting to another person so we don't have to deal with it - fixing them so we feel better. It's not about that person's highest good. And so the fear remains.
The work becomes trusting myself and what I intuitively know to be true - in my body, in my life, in myself. If I truly trust, when someone gives me a should, should not, when someone tries to fix me, I won't feel this internal bubbling of fear. I'll be able to smile, recognize that what they are saying is about them, and only I am the one who can make it about me. When I trust in myself, I will trust in another person's ability to do the same. I will trust that just as I know how to care for myself, Josh, and those I love, know how to do the same. It's scary to let go of that fear. It's been such a safety net, but I'd rather believe I can fly.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
What the body already knows
It's been hard to keep up with this blog. I'm almost 6 months pregnant, past the halfway part of my pregnancy, and find myself trying to slow down more, to enjoy this all because soon it will end. To enjoy all the kicks, jabs, rolls I feel, to enjoy the quiet moments at home, to enjoy time spent with Josh just the two of us, to enjoy the time to watch two movies, or a whole season of a show I like on netflix, to enjoy time spent with friends, loved ones, to enjoy taking a class as often as I can now, the list goes on and on. Enjoy now and appreciate, so I won't have regrets, and can enjoy Julian and the changes he brings fully when he arrives!
One thing that comes up more and more now in my pregnancy is fear. It's somewhat ironic that it's not the fear of labor. Perhaps that will come later, but for now, I feel very confident in my ability to delivery this baby as I feel so in tune with my body. I totally attribute this to yoga and the mind body connection it brings. If I think back, I think I knew I was pregnant very quickly before a test, but I doubted what my body knew because my mind was like "we've never done this before!" I could feel my hips spreading before I could TRULY feel my hips spreading and recognizing the need to modify my practice more (can you say Mula Bhanda?) I could feel Julian moving as early as 14 or 15 weeks but I didn't trust what my body was telling me completely as my mind hadn't understood it before. Isn't it amazing how often we all do this, wait for the mind to catch up to what the body already knows?
So this fear thing. My body has been feeling it for awhile. Shallow breath at times, tightness in shoulders and chest, general feeling of unease and uncertainty. I practice yoga, I breathe, I feel better. But I haven't been sitting with fear as much as I need to. This has become apparent because of my recent emotional outbursts in the last month or so. They've been minor, tears here or there when I feel Josh and I aren't connecting as parents, when I can feel the weight gain and wonder who's body is this as I don't feel as sexy as I used to, etc etc They pop up, I'd feel the fear in my body, and I'd kind of pass it off as silly, as come on, you know better. But that isn't really acknowledging fear exists, is it?
I love being pregnant. I feel beautiful - most days. Sexy, eh, not so much, but I'm trying. Beautiful, yes. This is when I embrace my experience. When I don't, fears come in about not being good enough, of resenting where I am, of remembering how it was. I have expected others to see me as I do during this time but I've realized, that won't necessarily happen. So it's up to me to see me as I want to be seen, as I feel when fully embraced in my experience. That is how I try to live each day.
So come the days when I get ahead of myself, and start thinking about parenting, about the next year, two years, 5 years, etc.. what will I be like? How will I handle this? All this talk of things yet to come, and perhaps things that may never come. I drive myself crazy with this fear, of the unknown. I talk to Josh and I drive him crazy, because neither of us know how we'll deal with it until we're in it. Until we embrace our experience fully. I worry so much about us not connecting as parents, that I don't give us a chance TO connect.
Case in point - Josh brings up how he wants Julian to learn Chinese. Josh is half Chinese and never got the chance to learn as his Dad said no - a mistake he has apologized for. Josh doesn't want the same thing to happen to his son. He feels learning Chinese would be beneficial in this world, and it's part of Julian's heritage. He talked about sending Julian to a Chinese speaking preschool. Well, I reacted, and I reacted strongly, throwing out all the half assed reasons of why this couldn't happen, all of them totally based in fear. I kept saying NO NO NO NO with nothing to back it up. I didn't even know why I was saying no. Later, I understood it was not an objection to Julian speaking Chinese. How amazing for my kid to be fluent in another language at an early age? To be able to converse with his grandma in Chinese, maybe his Dad too? To travel to another country where he can speak the language? To teach me perhaps? I was stuck in a place of fear and what I feared was losing him - of losing our connection.
This bond I have with him is so strong already. Now that I have it, I don't want to lose it. But how can I? I am his mother. This will always be. I am realizing that thinking about me and what I want in this journey is not going to work. Setting up Julian's life around MY fears is not the work of a good parent. So I am making the choice to look at these fears as they come up - as they will continue to do. To recognize their feeling in my body. To allow myself to feel and talk about them without judging myself. This is how I will be able to love more deeply than I've ever known, to be the best mother and human being I can be.
One thing that comes up more and more now in my pregnancy is fear. It's somewhat ironic that it's not the fear of labor. Perhaps that will come later, but for now, I feel very confident in my ability to delivery this baby as I feel so in tune with my body. I totally attribute this to yoga and the mind body connection it brings. If I think back, I think I knew I was pregnant very quickly before a test, but I doubted what my body knew because my mind was like "we've never done this before!" I could feel my hips spreading before I could TRULY feel my hips spreading and recognizing the need to modify my practice more (can you say Mula Bhanda?) I could feel Julian moving as early as 14 or 15 weeks but I didn't trust what my body was telling me completely as my mind hadn't understood it before. Isn't it amazing how often we all do this, wait for the mind to catch up to what the body already knows?
So this fear thing. My body has been feeling it for awhile. Shallow breath at times, tightness in shoulders and chest, general feeling of unease and uncertainty. I practice yoga, I breathe, I feel better. But I haven't been sitting with fear as much as I need to. This has become apparent because of my recent emotional outbursts in the last month or so. They've been minor, tears here or there when I feel Josh and I aren't connecting as parents, when I can feel the weight gain and wonder who's body is this as I don't feel as sexy as I used to, etc etc They pop up, I'd feel the fear in my body, and I'd kind of pass it off as silly, as come on, you know better. But that isn't really acknowledging fear exists, is it?
I love being pregnant. I feel beautiful - most days. Sexy, eh, not so much, but I'm trying. Beautiful, yes. This is when I embrace my experience. When I don't, fears come in about not being good enough, of resenting where I am, of remembering how it was. I have expected others to see me as I do during this time but I've realized, that won't necessarily happen. So it's up to me to see me as I want to be seen, as I feel when fully embraced in my experience. That is how I try to live each day.
So come the days when I get ahead of myself, and start thinking about parenting, about the next year, two years, 5 years, etc.. what will I be like? How will I handle this? All this talk of things yet to come, and perhaps things that may never come. I drive myself crazy with this fear, of the unknown. I talk to Josh and I drive him crazy, because neither of us know how we'll deal with it until we're in it. Until we embrace our experience fully. I worry so much about us not connecting as parents, that I don't give us a chance TO connect.
Case in point - Josh brings up how he wants Julian to learn Chinese. Josh is half Chinese and never got the chance to learn as his Dad said no - a mistake he has apologized for. Josh doesn't want the same thing to happen to his son. He feels learning Chinese would be beneficial in this world, and it's part of Julian's heritage. He talked about sending Julian to a Chinese speaking preschool. Well, I reacted, and I reacted strongly, throwing out all the half assed reasons of why this couldn't happen, all of them totally based in fear. I kept saying NO NO NO NO with nothing to back it up. I didn't even know why I was saying no. Later, I understood it was not an objection to Julian speaking Chinese. How amazing for my kid to be fluent in another language at an early age? To be able to converse with his grandma in Chinese, maybe his Dad too? To travel to another country where he can speak the language? To teach me perhaps? I was stuck in a place of fear and what I feared was losing him - of losing our connection.
This bond I have with him is so strong already. Now that I have it, I don't want to lose it. But how can I? I am his mother. This will always be. I am realizing that thinking about me and what I want in this journey is not going to work. Setting up Julian's life around MY fears is not the work of a good parent. So I am making the choice to look at these fears as they come up - as they will continue to do. To recognize their feeling in my body. To allow myself to feel and talk about them without judging myself. This is how I will be able to love more deeply than I've ever known, to be the best mother and human being I can be.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Grieving as a part of new beginnings
It's been over a month since I've posted. I would usually attribute this to having too much end of the summer fun. That wasn't it for me this year. I had plenty of time to write but have been feeling lonely, uninspired, disconnected, and just overall blah. I read an article in the latest Yoga Journal this afternoon on experiencing major change and then sat down to meditate in what has been the longest time. It hit me like a ton of bricks pretty suddenly - I'm grieving.
I've always been someone who handles major changes in my life in such a way that I become scared, super emotional and almost unable to deal as the change approaches. Once the change has happened, I am fine. I adapt quickly.
Yoga has helped me to weather the change in my life with more grace but it doesn't stop the emotions of change from coming through. This pregnancy for me has not been one of physical complaints at all thus far, but it has been one of many emotions. I think when people ask how I'm doing I always figure they are asking about the physical stuff, but there's a whole other component too. And it's a component that you just can't talk that easily about in the min before or after yoga class. It's one that takes more processing time.
I don't think I ever realized how big a part grieving is when it comes to change in our lives. We get it when someone dies (and sometimes not even then), but we dont' seem to get it when it relates to other change, especially happy change, such as a baby being born. I don't believe I recognized grieving as an important part of the process of change until now. I would always say yeah this stinks, or it's a happy thing so it's intense but ok, or it hurts now, but will get better soon... I never gave myself permission to say I'm grieving the loss of THIS, however good the change may be, or in the past, however painful THIS has been.
Yes, I know I will carry parts of me into me as a mother, parts I love, parts I don't like so much. I will change yet remain the same. At this time though, I need to recognize loss. I will allow myself to grieve for the loss of my selfish, individual life I have loved so much. I will grieve for all the things I haven't done and now wonder if I ever will. I will grieve for my childhood, my early adulthood, the times of freedom and expression and discovery. I will grieve for things I can't put to words but feelings I can feel.
And then will come acceptance. Joy. Embrace.
I've always been someone who handles major changes in my life in such a way that I become scared, super emotional and almost unable to deal as the change approaches. Once the change has happened, I am fine. I adapt quickly.
Yoga has helped me to weather the change in my life with more grace but it doesn't stop the emotions of change from coming through. This pregnancy for me has not been one of physical complaints at all thus far, but it has been one of many emotions. I think when people ask how I'm doing I always figure they are asking about the physical stuff, but there's a whole other component too. And it's a component that you just can't talk that easily about in the min before or after yoga class. It's one that takes more processing time.
I don't think I ever realized how big a part grieving is when it comes to change in our lives. We get it when someone dies (and sometimes not even then), but we dont' seem to get it when it relates to other change, especially happy change, such as a baby being born. I don't believe I recognized grieving as an important part of the process of change until now. I would always say yeah this stinks, or it's a happy thing so it's intense but ok, or it hurts now, but will get better soon... I never gave myself permission to say I'm grieving the loss of THIS, however good the change may be, or in the past, however painful THIS has been.
Yes, I know I will carry parts of me into me as a mother, parts I love, parts I don't like so much. I will change yet remain the same. At this time though, I need to recognize loss. I will allow myself to grieve for the loss of my selfish, individual life I have loved so much. I will grieve for all the things I haven't done and now wonder if I ever will. I will grieve for my childhood, my early adulthood, the times of freedom and expression and discovery. I will grieve for things I can't put to words but feelings I can feel.
And then will come acceptance. Joy. Embrace.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Everyone connects differently
Practicing and teaching yoga has shown me that we all connect differently when it comes to our practice. Some of us connect physically, and like precise cueing that we can hear, or a pose that we can see demonstrated. Some of us connect to the feeling of a pose or movement, and enjoy less alignment, and more intuitively understanding what the body needs. Some of us connect more to what's said in class, the sound of a teacher's voice, the metaphors or spiritual insights they provide, and dont' care as much about what the body is doing. Most of us are a combination of these which demonstrated there's not one right way to your own truth.
I've come to my own truth (and when I say my own truth, I mean the privilege of knowing myself) through a variety of means. They were introspective as a child - many hours holed up in my room listening to music I connected to and writing depressing poetry for the emotions I couldn't quite process yet. As a teenager, and young college student, I connected through giving to another person, falling in love, and again dealing with the emotions I couldn't quite process or put my voice to through writing and experimental drug use. I came out of that fog numb and lost, and that's where yoga came into my life. For me, it was the final step in discovering my truth, in peeling back the layers that had built up, at finally processing the emotions underneath. What was left was me, raw and vulnerable. My beautiful truth had been revealed and I realized all was not lost afterall.
Here I am, about 10 weeks pregnant, connecting to my baby in my own way. I find the moments I connect the most are during my yoga practice or in quiet reflection. Sometimes I may talk as I rest my hand on my belly, but mainly I tune in, I listen. These early moments here are reminding me that as many times as I want to talk to my child, tell them how it is so to speak, there will be many more moments I'll need to listen. Only then will I know how to respond. Understanding my own process of connection has helped me to understand Josh's way is not my way. I tend to talk more than he does about hopes, fears, how I'm feeling and I used to think this meant he was disconnected. He's told me it's him remaining present to what is now - and not to dwell on what has not come to pass. I find that already a challenge as a parent to be and I admire him for keeping it simple. We get the usual question of if we'll find out the sex of the baby. When I tell them that we will, sometimes I hear "you should wait, it's the biggest surprise there is! be cool with the unknown, isn't that what yoga folks do?" etc etc I honestly thought I'd wait. I have a partner in this pregnancy and Josh told me immediately he wanted to know. I questioned him, and he said he's an inquisitive person. I thought more about it and realized this is HIS way to connect. He finds out it's a boy or a girl, and he can begin to place his hand on my belly and feel his son or daughter, or talk to his son or daughter, or just in his own time reflect on them. So no, I am not going to take the Draino test. Or hold a pendulum over my belly, or place a penny on my belly, or however many other old wise tales I've heard can detect the sex of the baby (though I did do the Chinese gender prediction test early on!). I'll keep connecting, practice what IS, and look forward to the knowledge of our son or daughter, news that will come one way or another :)
I've come to my own truth (and when I say my own truth, I mean the privilege of knowing myself) through a variety of means. They were introspective as a child - many hours holed up in my room listening to music I connected to and writing depressing poetry for the emotions I couldn't quite process yet. As a teenager, and young college student, I connected through giving to another person, falling in love, and again dealing with the emotions I couldn't quite process or put my voice to through writing and experimental drug use. I came out of that fog numb and lost, and that's where yoga came into my life. For me, it was the final step in discovering my truth, in peeling back the layers that had built up, at finally processing the emotions underneath. What was left was me, raw and vulnerable. My beautiful truth had been revealed and I realized all was not lost afterall.
Here I am, about 10 weeks pregnant, connecting to my baby in my own way. I find the moments I connect the most are during my yoga practice or in quiet reflection. Sometimes I may talk as I rest my hand on my belly, but mainly I tune in, I listen. These early moments here are reminding me that as many times as I want to talk to my child, tell them how it is so to speak, there will be many more moments I'll need to listen. Only then will I know how to respond. Understanding my own process of connection has helped me to understand Josh's way is not my way. I tend to talk more than he does about hopes, fears, how I'm feeling and I used to think this meant he was disconnected. He's told me it's him remaining present to what is now - and not to dwell on what has not come to pass. I find that already a challenge as a parent to be and I admire him for keeping it simple. We get the usual question of if we'll find out the sex of the baby. When I tell them that we will, sometimes I hear "you should wait, it's the biggest surprise there is! be cool with the unknown, isn't that what yoga folks do?" etc etc I honestly thought I'd wait. I have a partner in this pregnancy and Josh told me immediately he wanted to know. I questioned him, and he said he's an inquisitive person. I thought more about it and realized this is HIS way to connect. He finds out it's a boy or a girl, and he can begin to place his hand on my belly and feel his son or daughter, or talk to his son or daughter, or just in his own time reflect on them. So no, I am not going to take the Draino test. Or hold a pendulum over my belly, or place a penny on my belly, or however many other old wise tales I've heard can detect the sex of the baby (though I did do the Chinese gender prediction test early on!). I'll keep connecting, practice what IS, and look forward to the knowledge of our son or daughter, news that will come one way or another :)
Friday, July 8, 2011
Pregnancy: A Practice in Faith
George Michael knew what he was talking about when he said "You gotta have faith" I found out two weeks ago I was pregnant, and here I am 7 weeks. Faith, or as I like to call it, trust, is a huge part of my world right now. It is the heart of my yoga practice.
The first week I found out I was pregnant I was elated, excited and thrilled, and thought my boyfriend to have the same reaction especially since this was a planned pregnancy. He was excited, but was more quiet, thinking. The pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had my first pregnancy meltdown - does he want this baby? Will he be here for me? Waaa, waaa, waaaa. Where was my faith and trust? How quickly it left as our world began to change.
So I began to journal again. I began to share my news with those I loved. My boyfriend began to share his news too. We talked. We agreed to take it a little bit at a time and not think of everything that needs to be done at once.
And then begin my symptoms. Week 5 and 6 I had no morning sickness, but my small boobs became increasingly swollen and tender. And still are, LOL. I was so gassy and bloated, and was cramping, but no blood thankfully. My faith began to lose hold again as I read online (you can GOOGLE anything!) about my symptoms. Some women said all of this is normal, as did some of the expert sights, but then of course you read the cases were this lead to miscarriage. My mind of course wanted to focus there. So I turned the computer off. I practiced yoga, breathed into my body that I could feel was beginning to change, but was really still my own when it came to my practice. I called my Mom. She told me not to worry. And here I am 7 weeks and a lot of the gastrointestinal stuff is gone and I just feel tired and have swollen boobs and wonder.... am I really pregnant?
Century after century women have been giving birth with no ultrasounds, no doctors, sometimes on their own, and sometimes in the most horrid conditions. I remind myself this as I wonder what the heck is going on in my body, as I remind myself to trust my body knows what to do. A friend who is an ultrasound tech said she'd give me one before my first prenatal visit (at 9 weeks) and I told her thanks, but no thanks. Some people were shocked. Why wouldn't I want to see? I read online of women buying their own ultrasound kits so they could do it themselves as insurance often pays for just one or two, or makes you wait till end of first trimester. This is crazy! Women have turned from a place of intuitively trusting their own bodies and the change of pregnancy, process of labor. They have changed to a state of fear, operating from that place.
I will acknowledge my fear of going to this first prenatal visit and being told there's no heartbeat, nothing there, and recognize this fear is not based in reality, of anything that is known. I will focus on what is known - 3 positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, no period for almost 2 months. I will acknowledge my fears of the process of labor, having a natural childbirth, will I be able to do it, and recognize this is the unknown and like anything that is unknown I approach it with intention and presence. I will acknowledge my fear of being a bad mother and hold steadfast to my belief that YES LOVE IS ENOUGH.
When you acknowledge fear, you can set it free. You understand it is not based in reality, in what is known, when you examine it closely. Your recognize it's your trust and faith that have got you this far, not your fear. It is enough, it will carry you through.
The first week I found out I was pregnant I was elated, excited and thrilled, and thought my boyfriend to have the same reaction especially since this was a planned pregnancy. He was excited, but was more quiet, thinking. The pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had my first pregnancy meltdown - does he want this baby? Will he be here for me? Waaa, waaa, waaaa. Where was my faith and trust? How quickly it left as our world began to change.
So I began to journal again. I began to share my news with those I loved. My boyfriend began to share his news too. We talked. We agreed to take it a little bit at a time and not think of everything that needs to be done at once.
And then begin my symptoms. Week 5 and 6 I had no morning sickness, but my small boobs became increasingly swollen and tender. And still are, LOL. I was so gassy and bloated, and was cramping, but no blood thankfully. My faith began to lose hold again as I read online (you can GOOGLE anything!) about my symptoms. Some women said all of this is normal, as did some of the expert sights, but then of course you read the cases were this lead to miscarriage. My mind of course wanted to focus there. So I turned the computer off. I practiced yoga, breathed into my body that I could feel was beginning to change, but was really still my own when it came to my practice. I called my Mom. She told me not to worry. And here I am 7 weeks and a lot of the gastrointestinal stuff is gone and I just feel tired and have swollen boobs and wonder.... am I really pregnant?
Century after century women have been giving birth with no ultrasounds, no doctors, sometimes on their own, and sometimes in the most horrid conditions. I remind myself this as I wonder what the heck is going on in my body, as I remind myself to trust my body knows what to do. A friend who is an ultrasound tech said she'd give me one before my first prenatal visit (at 9 weeks) and I told her thanks, but no thanks. Some people were shocked. Why wouldn't I want to see? I read online of women buying their own ultrasound kits so they could do it themselves as insurance often pays for just one or two, or makes you wait till end of first trimester. This is crazy! Women have turned from a place of intuitively trusting their own bodies and the change of pregnancy, process of labor. They have changed to a state of fear, operating from that place.
I will acknowledge my fear of going to this first prenatal visit and being told there's no heartbeat, nothing there, and recognize this fear is not based in reality, of anything that is known. I will focus on what is known - 3 positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, no period for almost 2 months. I will acknowledge my fears of the process of labor, having a natural childbirth, will I be able to do it, and recognize this is the unknown and like anything that is unknown I approach it with intention and presence. I will acknowledge my fear of being a bad mother and hold steadfast to my belief that YES LOVE IS ENOUGH.
When you acknowledge fear, you can set it free. You understand it is not based in reality, in what is known, when you examine it closely. Your recognize it's your trust and faith that have got you this far, not your fear. It is enough, it will carry you through.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
It happens for me, not to me
I have been reminded of the words of Byron Katie a lot lately - asking why things happen FOR me, rather than TO me. I can't say there is a particular reason for this. It's not as if life has thrown me any speedbumps lately. I am cruising along, happy.
I think an event a few weeks ago changed my perspective. I taught at Saluting the Spirit, an event in Boston that benefits Pathways to Wellness and yogaHOPE - two non profits that serve the Boston community in a compassionate, mindful and holistic manner. The populations served by these organizations are often those who are underserved, overlooked, neglected when it comes to holistic healing. This event featured many of the "who's who" of Boston - teachers I admire and look up to. I definitely didn't consider myself a "who's who" I was so stressed leading up to the event, wishing the day to just be over, so concerned about what people would think of me and my teaching. Silly, huh? The day of the event I taught my 20 min segment a bit nervously, and then assisted for most of the day. I was in the ZONE as I assisted. It was what I needed and from the comments from others, what they needed too. The whole experience made me realize how I created my own suffering - I was stuck in a mindset of something happening TO me. My ego was fully involved and engaged. When I could step outside of that box, create more space, I felt and understood why this was happening FOR me. The FOR me part does not involve ego. It involves the SELF - my ability to be a conduit of healing for others and thus myself.
Since that time, I feel much more empowered, which makes sense. When you are in a mind set of things happening TO you, you are a victim. You have lost your power. When you can transform that to things happening FOR you, you become empowered. It's a good feeling. It has stuck with me.
I taught a class this past Friday where we focused on headstands. Now at the studio I teach at, and other places I've encountered, no one really teaches headstands in a regular class. The inversions are forearm stand and handstand usually. People may say "go into your headstand if that's part of your practice" but no one actually TEACHES it. I decided to do it, though I thought to myself, "am I breaking a cardinal rule?" It was a great class. People were responsive. I approached headstand in a way that was safe and provided the students with building blocks toward the peak pose, and I reminded them constantly "if you feel unstable, you ARE unstable" And then this one girl toppled out of tripod on to her block when I wasn't watching. I had taken a glance earlier and she looked stable - not sure what happened. The student in front of her who was probably the most advanced asana wise I thought gave me a look as to almost say "how could you let this happen" Aha - here's my ego saying how could this happen TO me. I checked on the student, gave her a few tips to release her back which had hit the block, and continued with class. In the back of my mind, I wondered what that more advanced student thought. I taught a few more vatiations of basket headstand later, and then began to close the class with some restoration for neck and shoulders, as many students who are newer to inversions often create tension in those areas because they don't know how to engage their shoulderblades.
Now at the end of class I was still wondering if the class was successful and accomplished giving these students a basis to go into headstand safely. I decided to give myself a pep talk so to speak, as I talked to them. I told them how some teachers may say you don't approach a peak pose until you're a 6 year practicing Ashtangi, been trained by Iyengar himself, etc etc I told them my philosophy is that I believe anyone can learn the building blocks toward a peak pose and practice them. And if you are listening to your body as you should be during your practice, you will know what you are and are not ready for. I told them this is possible for all of them. I also told them that sometimes we don't listen, we fall, we injure outself. We could sit there and say "why did this happen to me? that teacher made this happen to me," etc etc or we can say that the fall or the injury happened FOR me. It's here to show me something, give me a greater awareness into my self. If you've ever read Matthew Sanford's book Waking (if not, read it!) he talks about this when he breaks his femur by pushing into a yoga pose and he talks about this major injury happening FOR him and where it took his practice and life.
I challenge you to do this daily. Ask yourself why is this happening FOR me rather than TO me. You will recognize the empowerment immediately as your own true nature.
I think an event a few weeks ago changed my perspective. I taught at Saluting the Spirit, an event in Boston that benefits Pathways to Wellness and yogaHOPE - two non profits that serve the Boston community in a compassionate, mindful and holistic manner. The populations served by these organizations are often those who are underserved, overlooked, neglected when it comes to holistic healing. This event featured many of the "who's who" of Boston - teachers I admire and look up to. I definitely didn't consider myself a "who's who" I was so stressed leading up to the event, wishing the day to just be over, so concerned about what people would think of me and my teaching. Silly, huh? The day of the event I taught my 20 min segment a bit nervously, and then assisted for most of the day. I was in the ZONE as I assisted. It was what I needed and from the comments from others, what they needed too. The whole experience made me realize how I created my own suffering - I was stuck in a mindset of something happening TO me. My ego was fully involved and engaged. When I could step outside of that box, create more space, I felt and understood why this was happening FOR me. The FOR me part does not involve ego. It involves the SELF - my ability to be a conduit of healing for others and thus myself.
Since that time, I feel much more empowered, which makes sense. When you are in a mind set of things happening TO you, you are a victim. You have lost your power. When you can transform that to things happening FOR you, you become empowered. It's a good feeling. It has stuck with me.
I taught a class this past Friday where we focused on headstands. Now at the studio I teach at, and other places I've encountered, no one really teaches headstands in a regular class. The inversions are forearm stand and handstand usually. People may say "go into your headstand if that's part of your practice" but no one actually TEACHES it. I decided to do it, though I thought to myself, "am I breaking a cardinal rule?" It was a great class. People were responsive. I approached headstand in a way that was safe and provided the students with building blocks toward the peak pose, and I reminded them constantly "if you feel unstable, you ARE unstable" And then this one girl toppled out of tripod on to her block when I wasn't watching. I had taken a glance earlier and she looked stable - not sure what happened. The student in front of her who was probably the most advanced asana wise I thought gave me a look as to almost say "how could you let this happen" Aha - here's my ego saying how could this happen TO me. I checked on the student, gave her a few tips to release her back which had hit the block, and continued with class. In the back of my mind, I wondered what that more advanced student thought. I taught a few more vatiations of basket headstand later, and then began to close the class with some restoration for neck and shoulders, as many students who are newer to inversions often create tension in those areas because they don't know how to engage their shoulderblades.
Now at the end of class I was still wondering if the class was successful and accomplished giving these students a basis to go into headstand safely. I decided to give myself a pep talk so to speak, as I talked to them. I told them how some teachers may say you don't approach a peak pose until you're a 6 year practicing Ashtangi, been trained by Iyengar himself, etc etc I told them my philosophy is that I believe anyone can learn the building blocks toward a peak pose and practice them. And if you are listening to your body as you should be during your practice, you will know what you are and are not ready for. I told them this is possible for all of them. I also told them that sometimes we don't listen, we fall, we injure outself. We could sit there and say "why did this happen to me? that teacher made this happen to me," etc etc or we can say that the fall or the injury happened FOR me. It's here to show me something, give me a greater awareness into my self. If you've ever read Matthew Sanford's book Waking (if not, read it!) he talks about this when he breaks his femur by pushing into a yoga pose and he talks about this major injury happening FOR him and where it took his practice and life.
I challenge you to do this daily. Ask yourself why is this happening FOR me rather than TO me. You will recognize the empowerment immediately as your own true nature.
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