It's been over a month since I've posted. I would usually attribute this to having too much end of the summer fun. That wasn't it for me this year. I had plenty of time to write but have been feeling lonely, uninspired, disconnected, and just overall blah. I read an article in the latest Yoga Journal this afternoon on experiencing major change and then sat down to meditate in what has been the longest time. It hit me like a ton of bricks pretty suddenly - I'm grieving.
I've always been someone who handles major changes in my life in such a way that I become scared, super emotional and almost unable to deal as the change approaches. Once the change has happened, I am fine. I adapt quickly.
Yoga has helped me to weather the change in my life with more grace but it doesn't stop the emotions of change from coming through. This pregnancy for me has not been one of physical complaints at all thus far, but it has been one of many emotions. I think when people ask how I'm doing I always figure they are asking about the physical stuff, but there's a whole other component too. And it's a component that you just can't talk that easily about in the min before or after yoga class. It's one that takes more processing time.
I don't think I ever realized how big a part grieving is when it comes to change in our lives. We get it when someone dies (and sometimes not even then), but we dont' seem to get it when it relates to other change, especially happy change, such as a baby being born. I don't believe I recognized grieving as an important part of the process of change until now. I would always say yeah this stinks, or it's a happy thing so it's intense but ok, or it hurts now, but will get better soon... I never gave myself permission to say I'm grieving the loss of THIS, however good the change may be, or in the past, however painful THIS has been.
Yes, I know I will carry parts of me into me as a mother, parts I love, parts I don't like so much. I will change yet remain the same. At this time though, I need to recognize loss. I will allow myself to grieve for the loss of my selfish, individual life I have loved so much. I will grieve for all the things I haven't done and now wonder if I ever will. I will grieve for my childhood, my early adulthood, the times of freedom and expression and discovery. I will grieve for things I can't put to words but feelings I can feel.
And then will come acceptance. Joy. Embrace.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
Everyone connects differently
Practicing and teaching yoga has shown me that we all connect differently when it comes to our practice. Some of us connect physically, and like precise cueing that we can hear, or a pose that we can see demonstrated. Some of us connect to the feeling of a pose or movement, and enjoy less alignment, and more intuitively understanding what the body needs. Some of us connect more to what's said in class, the sound of a teacher's voice, the metaphors or spiritual insights they provide, and dont' care as much about what the body is doing. Most of us are a combination of these which demonstrated there's not one right way to your own truth.
I've come to my own truth (and when I say my own truth, I mean the privilege of knowing myself) through a variety of means. They were introspective as a child - many hours holed up in my room listening to music I connected to and writing depressing poetry for the emotions I couldn't quite process yet. As a teenager, and young college student, I connected through giving to another person, falling in love, and again dealing with the emotions I couldn't quite process or put my voice to through writing and experimental drug use. I came out of that fog numb and lost, and that's where yoga came into my life. For me, it was the final step in discovering my truth, in peeling back the layers that had built up, at finally processing the emotions underneath. What was left was me, raw and vulnerable. My beautiful truth had been revealed and I realized all was not lost afterall.
Here I am, about 10 weeks pregnant, connecting to my baby in my own way. I find the moments I connect the most are during my yoga practice or in quiet reflection. Sometimes I may talk as I rest my hand on my belly, but mainly I tune in, I listen. These early moments here are reminding me that as many times as I want to talk to my child, tell them how it is so to speak, there will be many more moments I'll need to listen. Only then will I know how to respond. Understanding my own process of connection has helped me to understand Josh's way is not my way. I tend to talk more than he does about hopes, fears, how I'm feeling and I used to think this meant he was disconnected. He's told me it's him remaining present to what is now - and not to dwell on what has not come to pass. I find that already a challenge as a parent to be and I admire him for keeping it simple. We get the usual question of if we'll find out the sex of the baby. When I tell them that we will, sometimes I hear "you should wait, it's the biggest surprise there is! be cool with the unknown, isn't that what yoga folks do?" etc etc I honestly thought I'd wait. I have a partner in this pregnancy and Josh told me immediately he wanted to know. I questioned him, and he said he's an inquisitive person. I thought more about it and realized this is HIS way to connect. He finds out it's a boy or a girl, and he can begin to place his hand on my belly and feel his son or daughter, or talk to his son or daughter, or just in his own time reflect on them. So no, I am not going to take the Draino test. Or hold a pendulum over my belly, or place a penny on my belly, or however many other old wise tales I've heard can detect the sex of the baby (though I did do the Chinese gender prediction test early on!). I'll keep connecting, practice what IS, and look forward to the knowledge of our son or daughter, news that will come one way or another :)
I've come to my own truth (and when I say my own truth, I mean the privilege of knowing myself) through a variety of means. They were introspective as a child - many hours holed up in my room listening to music I connected to and writing depressing poetry for the emotions I couldn't quite process yet. As a teenager, and young college student, I connected through giving to another person, falling in love, and again dealing with the emotions I couldn't quite process or put my voice to through writing and experimental drug use. I came out of that fog numb and lost, and that's where yoga came into my life. For me, it was the final step in discovering my truth, in peeling back the layers that had built up, at finally processing the emotions underneath. What was left was me, raw and vulnerable. My beautiful truth had been revealed and I realized all was not lost afterall.
Here I am, about 10 weeks pregnant, connecting to my baby in my own way. I find the moments I connect the most are during my yoga practice or in quiet reflection. Sometimes I may talk as I rest my hand on my belly, but mainly I tune in, I listen. These early moments here are reminding me that as many times as I want to talk to my child, tell them how it is so to speak, there will be many more moments I'll need to listen. Only then will I know how to respond. Understanding my own process of connection has helped me to understand Josh's way is not my way. I tend to talk more than he does about hopes, fears, how I'm feeling and I used to think this meant he was disconnected. He's told me it's him remaining present to what is now - and not to dwell on what has not come to pass. I find that already a challenge as a parent to be and I admire him for keeping it simple. We get the usual question of if we'll find out the sex of the baby. When I tell them that we will, sometimes I hear "you should wait, it's the biggest surprise there is! be cool with the unknown, isn't that what yoga folks do?" etc etc I honestly thought I'd wait. I have a partner in this pregnancy and Josh told me immediately he wanted to know. I questioned him, and he said he's an inquisitive person. I thought more about it and realized this is HIS way to connect. He finds out it's a boy or a girl, and he can begin to place his hand on my belly and feel his son or daughter, or talk to his son or daughter, or just in his own time reflect on them. So no, I am not going to take the Draino test. Or hold a pendulum over my belly, or place a penny on my belly, or however many other old wise tales I've heard can detect the sex of the baby (though I did do the Chinese gender prediction test early on!). I'll keep connecting, practice what IS, and look forward to the knowledge of our son or daughter, news that will come one way or another :)
Friday, July 8, 2011
Pregnancy: A Practice in Faith
George Michael knew what he was talking about when he said "You gotta have faith" I found out two weeks ago I was pregnant, and here I am 7 weeks. Faith, or as I like to call it, trust, is a huge part of my world right now. It is the heart of my yoga practice.
The first week I found out I was pregnant I was elated, excited and thrilled, and thought my boyfriend to have the same reaction especially since this was a planned pregnancy. He was excited, but was more quiet, thinking. The pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had my first pregnancy meltdown - does he want this baby? Will he be here for me? Waaa, waaa, waaaa. Where was my faith and trust? How quickly it left as our world began to change.
So I began to journal again. I began to share my news with those I loved. My boyfriend began to share his news too. We talked. We agreed to take it a little bit at a time and not think of everything that needs to be done at once.
And then begin my symptoms. Week 5 and 6 I had no morning sickness, but my small boobs became increasingly swollen and tender. And still are, LOL. I was so gassy and bloated, and was cramping, but no blood thankfully. My faith began to lose hold again as I read online (you can GOOGLE anything!) about my symptoms. Some women said all of this is normal, as did some of the expert sights, but then of course you read the cases were this lead to miscarriage. My mind of course wanted to focus there. So I turned the computer off. I practiced yoga, breathed into my body that I could feel was beginning to change, but was really still my own when it came to my practice. I called my Mom. She told me not to worry. And here I am 7 weeks and a lot of the gastrointestinal stuff is gone and I just feel tired and have swollen boobs and wonder.... am I really pregnant?
Century after century women have been giving birth with no ultrasounds, no doctors, sometimes on their own, and sometimes in the most horrid conditions. I remind myself this as I wonder what the heck is going on in my body, as I remind myself to trust my body knows what to do. A friend who is an ultrasound tech said she'd give me one before my first prenatal visit (at 9 weeks) and I told her thanks, but no thanks. Some people were shocked. Why wouldn't I want to see? I read online of women buying their own ultrasound kits so they could do it themselves as insurance often pays for just one or two, or makes you wait till end of first trimester. This is crazy! Women have turned from a place of intuitively trusting their own bodies and the change of pregnancy, process of labor. They have changed to a state of fear, operating from that place.
I will acknowledge my fear of going to this first prenatal visit and being told there's no heartbeat, nothing there, and recognize this fear is not based in reality, of anything that is known. I will focus on what is known - 3 positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, no period for almost 2 months. I will acknowledge my fears of the process of labor, having a natural childbirth, will I be able to do it, and recognize this is the unknown and like anything that is unknown I approach it with intention and presence. I will acknowledge my fear of being a bad mother and hold steadfast to my belief that YES LOVE IS ENOUGH.
When you acknowledge fear, you can set it free. You understand it is not based in reality, in what is known, when you examine it closely. Your recognize it's your trust and faith that have got you this far, not your fear. It is enough, it will carry you through.
The first week I found out I was pregnant I was elated, excited and thrilled, and thought my boyfriend to have the same reaction especially since this was a planned pregnancy. He was excited, but was more quiet, thinking. The pregnancy hormones kicked in and I had my first pregnancy meltdown - does he want this baby? Will he be here for me? Waaa, waaa, waaaa. Where was my faith and trust? How quickly it left as our world began to change.
So I began to journal again. I began to share my news with those I loved. My boyfriend began to share his news too. We talked. We agreed to take it a little bit at a time and not think of everything that needs to be done at once.
And then begin my symptoms. Week 5 and 6 I had no morning sickness, but my small boobs became increasingly swollen and tender. And still are, LOL. I was so gassy and bloated, and was cramping, but no blood thankfully. My faith began to lose hold again as I read online (you can GOOGLE anything!) about my symptoms. Some women said all of this is normal, as did some of the expert sights, but then of course you read the cases were this lead to miscarriage. My mind of course wanted to focus there. So I turned the computer off. I practiced yoga, breathed into my body that I could feel was beginning to change, but was really still my own when it came to my practice. I called my Mom. She told me not to worry. And here I am 7 weeks and a lot of the gastrointestinal stuff is gone and I just feel tired and have swollen boobs and wonder.... am I really pregnant?
Century after century women have been giving birth with no ultrasounds, no doctors, sometimes on their own, and sometimes in the most horrid conditions. I remind myself this as I wonder what the heck is going on in my body, as I remind myself to trust my body knows what to do. A friend who is an ultrasound tech said she'd give me one before my first prenatal visit (at 9 weeks) and I told her thanks, but no thanks. Some people were shocked. Why wouldn't I want to see? I read online of women buying their own ultrasound kits so they could do it themselves as insurance often pays for just one or two, or makes you wait till end of first trimester. This is crazy! Women have turned from a place of intuitively trusting their own bodies and the change of pregnancy, process of labor. They have changed to a state of fear, operating from that place.
I will acknowledge my fear of going to this first prenatal visit and being told there's no heartbeat, nothing there, and recognize this fear is not based in reality, of anything that is known. I will focus on what is known - 3 positive pregnancy tests, pregnancy symptoms, no period for almost 2 months. I will acknowledge my fears of the process of labor, having a natural childbirth, will I be able to do it, and recognize this is the unknown and like anything that is unknown I approach it with intention and presence. I will acknowledge my fear of being a bad mother and hold steadfast to my belief that YES LOVE IS ENOUGH.
When you acknowledge fear, you can set it free. You understand it is not based in reality, in what is known, when you examine it closely. Your recognize it's your trust and faith that have got you this far, not your fear. It is enough, it will carry you through.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
It happens for me, not to me
I have been reminded of the words of Byron Katie a lot lately - asking why things happen FOR me, rather than TO me. I can't say there is a particular reason for this. It's not as if life has thrown me any speedbumps lately. I am cruising along, happy.
I think an event a few weeks ago changed my perspective. I taught at Saluting the Spirit, an event in Boston that benefits Pathways to Wellness and yogaHOPE - two non profits that serve the Boston community in a compassionate, mindful and holistic manner. The populations served by these organizations are often those who are underserved, overlooked, neglected when it comes to holistic healing. This event featured many of the "who's who" of Boston - teachers I admire and look up to. I definitely didn't consider myself a "who's who" I was so stressed leading up to the event, wishing the day to just be over, so concerned about what people would think of me and my teaching. Silly, huh? The day of the event I taught my 20 min segment a bit nervously, and then assisted for most of the day. I was in the ZONE as I assisted. It was what I needed and from the comments from others, what they needed too. The whole experience made me realize how I created my own suffering - I was stuck in a mindset of something happening TO me. My ego was fully involved and engaged. When I could step outside of that box, create more space, I felt and understood why this was happening FOR me. The FOR me part does not involve ego. It involves the SELF - my ability to be a conduit of healing for others and thus myself.
Since that time, I feel much more empowered, which makes sense. When you are in a mind set of things happening TO you, you are a victim. You have lost your power. When you can transform that to things happening FOR you, you become empowered. It's a good feeling. It has stuck with me.
I taught a class this past Friday where we focused on headstands. Now at the studio I teach at, and other places I've encountered, no one really teaches headstands in a regular class. The inversions are forearm stand and handstand usually. People may say "go into your headstand if that's part of your practice" but no one actually TEACHES it. I decided to do it, though I thought to myself, "am I breaking a cardinal rule?" It was a great class. People were responsive. I approached headstand in a way that was safe and provided the students with building blocks toward the peak pose, and I reminded them constantly "if you feel unstable, you ARE unstable" And then this one girl toppled out of tripod on to her block when I wasn't watching. I had taken a glance earlier and she looked stable - not sure what happened. The student in front of her who was probably the most advanced asana wise I thought gave me a look as to almost say "how could you let this happen" Aha - here's my ego saying how could this happen TO me. I checked on the student, gave her a few tips to release her back which had hit the block, and continued with class. In the back of my mind, I wondered what that more advanced student thought. I taught a few more vatiations of basket headstand later, and then began to close the class with some restoration for neck and shoulders, as many students who are newer to inversions often create tension in those areas because they don't know how to engage their shoulderblades.
Now at the end of class I was still wondering if the class was successful and accomplished giving these students a basis to go into headstand safely. I decided to give myself a pep talk so to speak, as I talked to them. I told them how some teachers may say you don't approach a peak pose until you're a 6 year practicing Ashtangi, been trained by Iyengar himself, etc etc I told them my philosophy is that I believe anyone can learn the building blocks toward a peak pose and practice them. And if you are listening to your body as you should be during your practice, you will know what you are and are not ready for. I told them this is possible for all of them. I also told them that sometimes we don't listen, we fall, we injure outself. We could sit there and say "why did this happen to me? that teacher made this happen to me," etc etc or we can say that the fall or the injury happened FOR me. It's here to show me something, give me a greater awareness into my self. If you've ever read Matthew Sanford's book Waking (if not, read it!) he talks about this when he breaks his femur by pushing into a yoga pose and he talks about this major injury happening FOR him and where it took his practice and life.
I challenge you to do this daily. Ask yourself why is this happening FOR me rather than TO me. You will recognize the empowerment immediately as your own true nature.
I think an event a few weeks ago changed my perspective. I taught at Saluting the Spirit, an event in Boston that benefits Pathways to Wellness and yogaHOPE - two non profits that serve the Boston community in a compassionate, mindful and holistic manner. The populations served by these organizations are often those who are underserved, overlooked, neglected when it comes to holistic healing. This event featured many of the "who's who" of Boston - teachers I admire and look up to. I definitely didn't consider myself a "who's who" I was so stressed leading up to the event, wishing the day to just be over, so concerned about what people would think of me and my teaching. Silly, huh? The day of the event I taught my 20 min segment a bit nervously, and then assisted for most of the day. I was in the ZONE as I assisted. It was what I needed and from the comments from others, what they needed too. The whole experience made me realize how I created my own suffering - I was stuck in a mindset of something happening TO me. My ego was fully involved and engaged. When I could step outside of that box, create more space, I felt and understood why this was happening FOR me. The FOR me part does not involve ego. It involves the SELF - my ability to be a conduit of healing for others and thus myself.
Since that time, I feel much more empowered, which makes sense. When you are in a mind set of things happening TO you, you are a victim. You have lost your power. When you can transform that to things happening FOR you, you become empowered. It's a good feeling. It has stuck with me.
I taught a class this past Friday where we focused on headstands. Now at the studio I teach at, and other places I've encountered, no one really teaches headstands in a regular class. The inversions are forearm stand and handstand usually. People may say "go into your headstand if that's part of your practice" but no one actually TEACHES it. I decided to do it, though I thought to myself, "am I breaking a cardinal rule?" It was a great class. People were responsive. I approached headstand in a way that was safe and provided the students with building blocks toward the peak pose, and I reminded them constantly "if you feel unstable, you ARE unstable" And then this one girl toppled out of tripod on to her block when I wasn't watching. I had taken a glance earlier and she looked stable - not sure what happened. The student in front of her who was probably the most advanced asana wise I thought gave me a look as to almost say "how could you let this happen" Aha - here's my ego saying how could this happen TO me. I checked on the student, gave her a few tips to release her back which had hit the block, and continued with class. In the back of my mind, I wondered what that more advanced student thought. I taught a few more vatiations of basket headstand later, and then began to close the class with some restoration for neck and shoulders, as many students who are newer to inversions often create tension in those areas because they don't know how to engage their shoulderblades.
Now at the end of class I was still wondering if the class was successful and accomplished giving these students a basis to go into headstand safely. I decided to give myself a pep talk so to speak, as I talked to them. I told them how some teachers may say you don't approach a peak pose until you're a 6 year practicing Ashtangi, been trained by Iyengar himself, etc etc I told them my philosophy is that I believe anyone can learn the building blocks toward a peak pose and practice them. And if you are listening to your body as you should be during your practice, you will know what you are and are not ready for. I told them this is possible for all of them. I also told them that sometimes we don't listen, we fall, we injure outself. We could sit there and say "why did this happen to me? that teacher made this happen to me," etc etc or we can say that the fall or the injury happened FOR me. It's here to show me something, give me a greater awareness into my self. If you've ever read Matthew Sanford's book Waking (if not, read it!) he talks about this when he breaks his femur by pushing into a yoga pose and he talks about this major injury happening FOR him and where it took his practice and life.
I challenge you to do this daily. Ask yourself why is this happening FOR me rather than TO me. You will recognize the empowerment immediately as your own true nature.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Yoga teachers UNITE
I have been hearing a lot of talk lately whether on Facebook or just with friends I know in the yoga community about what does or doesn't make a good yoga teacher. Some people say creative and safe sequencing, advanced physical practice, attention to alignment are important in class. Some say a teacher who is spiritual and compassionate, and gives them a daily dose of insight. Some say just a teacher who looks hot and plays good music, a teacher you can have fun with in class.
All of this tells us that everyone's idea of a great yoga teacher is not going to be the same. We step onto the path of yoga at different places in our lives, and we walk on this path hopefully growing and changing in our practice, both physically and spiritually. I know that all of the above has spoken to me at one time or another.
Personally, I am in a place where I have done a good dose of spiritual work on my own, and with the help of some incredible teachers. I enjoy a creative sequence that challenges me and accesses new places in my body that I connect to through my breath. I don't care so much about good music (though it can help) or flow, or a teacher who is fun, but a teacher who guides me safely and is compassionate and confident in what they are teaching me. I am at a point in my practice where the teacher is truly myself. The teacher at the front of the room is not a god or goddess to me, but an inspiration. Some teachers are more inspiring to me than others, but this doesn't mean that whoever is teaching doesn't have worth in my eyes. When your practice becomes your practice, you can take with whomever and enjoy your class. You'll have your favorites but you won't judge the first time teacher who's leading you through a basic flow and probably nervous as all hell - cause I have been that teacher! You also won't judge that teacher who doesn't give you a dose of spirituality cause you got that all taken care of by yourself - you don't need someone else to make you feel inspired or happy.
The physical practice of yoga has been my connection to something deeper. The breath and challenge of more advanced postures has made me understand patterns of holding in my body, and ultimately patterns of holding within myself. I don't go in expecting this or that, but when something incredible happens, like when I was able to touch my foot to my head in pigeon the other day, the feeling was amazing. Not so much a feeling of accomplishment, but a feeling of elation, joy. Something shifted within me to make this possible. And yes, I look forward to the day I can balance in the middle of the room in handstand - cause I believe it will happen! My spiritual work is more my own now - listening, observing and being with what shows up for me in class as I breath, and I don't need a daily dose of spirituality to get there.
I think so many of us as yoga teachers eventually start to feel entitled and feel we can judge what makes a great teacher. It's all a matter of opinion. All we can do is teach authentically, with honesty. I know when a teacher gets under my skin so to speak it's something for me to look at. Why does it bother me this teacher has a larger class than mine? Why does it bother me this teacher can jump into crow and I can't? Why does it bother me this teacher is being raved about by someone and it's not me they are raving about?
I am the teacher who's continued practicing at a yoga studio after I had taught there and was told I wasn't a good fit. I am the teacher who practiced at a place I loved even though I could go for free elsewhere and eventually ended up teaching at this place. I am the teacher who has upset or had words with other teachers and then shows up to take their class. I have guts and heart. I challenge myself both physically and spiritually because I know that is the only way I am going to grow. Sometimes that challenge resides in less, sometimes it resides in more. We are here to be the human examples of change. Through this change is our potential, our purpose. So I am giving the shout out, yoga teachers UNITE. Quit your bitchin.
All of this tells us that everyone's idea of a great yoga teacher is not going to be the same. We step onto the path of yoga at different places in our lives, and we walk on this path hopefully growing and changing in our practice, both physically and spiritually. I know that all of the above has spoken to me at one time or another.
Personally, I am in a place where I have done a good dose of spiritual work on my own, and with the help of some incredible teachers. I enjoy a creative sequence that challenges me and accesses new places in my body that I connect to through my breath. I don't care so much about good music (though it can help) or flow, or a teacher who is fun, but a teacher who guides me safely and is compassionate and confident in what they are teaching me. I am at a point in my practice where the teacher is truly myself. The teacher at the front of the room is not a god or goddess to me, but an inspiration. Some teachers are more inspiring to me than others, but this doesn't mean that whoever is teaching doesn't have worth in my eyes. When your practice becomes your practice, you can take with whomever and enjoy your class. You'll have your favorites but you won't judge the first time teacher who's leading you through a basic flow and probably nervous as all hell - cause I have been that teacher! You also won't judge that teacher who doesn't give you a dose of spirituality cause you got that all taken care of by yourself - you don't need someone else to make you feel inspired or happy.
The physical practice of yoga has been my connection to something deeper. The breath and challenge of more advanced postures has made me understand patterns of holding in my body, and ultimately patterns of holding within myself. I don't go in expecting this or that, but when something incredible happens, like when I was able to touch my foot to my head in pigeon the other day, the feeling was amazing. Not so much a feeling of accomplishment, but a feeling of elation, joy. Something shifted within me to make this possible. And yes, I look forward to the day I can balance in the middle of the room in handstand - cause I believe it will happen! My spiritual work is more my own now - listening, observing and being with what shows up for me in class as I breath, and I don't need a daily dose of spirituality to get there.
I think so many of us as yoga teachers eventually start to feel entitled and feel we can judge what makes a great teacher. It's all a matter of opinion. All we can do is teach authentically, with honesty. I know when a teacher gets under my skin so to speak it's something for me to look at. Why does it bother me this teacher has a larger class than mine? Why does it bother me this teacher can jump into crow and I can't? Why does it bother me this teacher is being raved about by someone and it's not me they are raving about?
I am the teacher who's continued practicing at a yoga studio after I had taught there and was told I wasn't a good fit. I am the teacher who practiced at a place I loved even though I could go for free elsewhere and eventually ended up teaching at this place. I am the teacher who has upset or had words with other teachers and then shows up to take their class. I have guts and heart. I challenge myself both physically and spiritually because I know that is the only way I am going to grow. Sometimes that challenge resides in less, sometimes it resides in more. We are here to be the human examples of change. Through this change is our potential, our purpose. So I am giving the shout out, yoga teachers UNITE. Quit your bitchin.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
We are worthy
These days when we step outside everything is changing before our eyes. Doesn't it seem like we get a ton of rain one day and then overnight we wake up to grass and flowers and everything blooming? My life has felt this energy of change lately, too. It becomes harder for me to keep up with this blog and my periods of reflection because so much is happening around me that I am a part of. Perhaps you feel this too. The sluggishness of winter is falling away, and the upbeat excitability of Spring is here. More people want to get together, more people want to make things HAPPEN. It's a great feeling. Yet it can also be fearful as well, because we are encouraged to come out of our shells, our hibernation, and many of us are more comfortable out of the mix, rather than right in it.
Just last week I came home after a long day to find a voicemail and email and Facebook messages saying "Did you see? You're in Yoga Journal!" I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I discovered through friends that I was in this month's Yoga Journal on page 24, assisting the ladies of Hello House, a substance abuse treatment center I used to teach at for yogaHOPE, www.yogahope.org, a non-profit I also worked for. YogaHOPE and Sue Jones are a huge part of where I am today. When I was on the brink of change, in the Fall of 2007, wanting to teach full time but fearful if I could do it, Sue Jones and yogaHOPE showed me the way by hiring me as their part time Volunteer Coordinator - after I took the leap and quit my full time job! I had been teaching for yogaHOPE for some time then and considered it part of my giving back what yoga had brought me, to women who weren't likely to receive it, but could so benefit from yoga. I gave up my teaching position and part time position at YH about a year ago so I could make more space to grow my teaching and practice.
After hearing about this photo in YJ, (I still haven't seen it!) I contacted Sue and asked her about it. She said "Hey, maybe it's time for you to come back? Our new Trauma Informed Mind Body Programming is incredible!" And wouldn't you know it, she had a meeting that week about this programming on a night I could attend, for current and old teachers. I went and heard all about this programming we had dreamed about that was now in place and being implemented in a pilot facility. I was all excited to see how this year had shaped yogaHOPE, and reflected on how this year had shaped me as well. When I left yogaHOPE, I had been asked to teach at South Boston Yoga, my yoga community but certainly not a place I expected to teach at, because these were all my "gurus" so to speak. I was fearful of standing amongst my gurus, and was not sure I was worthy. And here I am a year later, part of the amazing teaching community there, and my teaching and personal practice has grown leaps and bounds as a result. How wonderful to see the same changes for yogaHOPE!
To place the icing on the cake to speak, Sue texts me the next day after this meeting to let me know that one of the teachers for yogaHOPE's main fundraiser, Saluting the Spirit, cannot make it and would I teach on that day. This fundraiser has been one of the biggest yoga fundraisers in Boston for a few years now. The lineup of teachers from the Boston area is incredible. And here Sue is, asking me, if I would join! I of course said yes, but not without fear. Who am I, to be considered, a voice says. Again, to be a part of something with the people I look up to and supporting a cause that is dear to me for what it brings to the community, and for how it has shaped my life - the emotions are almost too much to try and describe. Yet it's these emotions, these experiences that make me worthy.
So here I am, standing amongst the clouds so to speak, and still feeling my feet on the ground. What I take from all of this is that change is happening to all of us all the time. It's when we fear the most, that change is truly upon us. Every time something big has happened in my life it's because I've been willing to go there - to go to that place where the critical voice inside my head says who am I, this is not possible. Yet something believes. Something says I AM. Something says YES. In many ways it's a piece of God, of the Divine - that knows purpose and possibility. It is yours just as much as it is mine. We are worthy.
Just last week I came home after a long day to find a voicemail and email and Facebook messages saying "Did you see? You're in Yoga Journal!" I had no idea what anyone was talking about. I discovered through friends that I was in this month's Yoga Journal on page 24, assisting the ladies of Hello House, a substance abuse treatment center I used to teach at for yogaHOPE, www.yogahope.org, a non-profit I also worked for. YogaHOPE and Sue Jones are a huge part of where I am today. When I was on the brink of change, in the Fall of 2007, wanting to teach full time but fearful if I could do it, Sue Jones and yogaHOPE showed me the way by hiring me as their part time Volunteer Coordinator - after I took the leap and quit my full time job! I had been teaching for yogaHOPE for some time then and considered it part of my giving back what yoga had brought me, to women who weren't likely to receive it, but could so benefit from yoga. I gave up my teaching position and part time position at YH about a year ago so I could make more space to grow my teaching and practice.
After hearing about this photo in YJ, (I still haven't seen it!) I contacted Sue and asked her about it. She said "Hey, maybe it's time for you to come back? Our new Trauma Informed Mind Body Programming is incredible!" And wouldn't you know it, she had a meeting that week about this programming on a night I could attend, for current and old teachers. I went and heard all about this programming we had dreamed about that was now in place and being implemented in a pilot facility. I was all excited to see how this year had shaped yogaHOPE, and reflected on how this year had shaped me as well. When I left yogaHOPE, I had been asked to teach at South Boston Yoga, my yoga community but certainly not a place I expected to teach at, because these were all my "gurus" so to speak. I was fearful of standing amongst my gurus, and was not sure I was worthy. And here I am a year later, part of the amazing teaching community there, and my teaching and personal practice has grown leaps and bounds as a result. How wonderful to see the same changes for yogaHOPE!
To place the icing on the cake to speak, Sue texts me the next day after this meeting to let me know that one of the teachers for yogaHOPE's main fundraiser, Saluting the Spirit, cannot make it and would I teach on that day. This fundraiser has been one of the biggest yoga fundraisers in Boston for a few years now. The lineup of teachers from the Boston area is incredible. And here Sue is, asking me, if I would join! I of course said yes, but not without fear. Who am I, to be considered, a voice says. Again, to be a part of something with the people I look up to and supporting a cause that is dear to me for what it brings to the community, and for how it has shaped my life - the emotions are almost too much to try and describe. Yet it's these emotions, these experiences that make me worthy.
So here I am, standing amongst the clouds so to speak, and still feeling my feet on the ground. What I take from all of this is that change is happening to all of us all the time. It's when we fear the most, that change is truly upon us. Every time something big has happened in my life it's because I've been willing to go there - to go to that place where the critical voice inside my head says who am I, this is not possible. Yet something believes. Something says I AM. Something says YES. In many ways it's a piece of God, of the Divine - that knows purpose and possibility. It is yours just as much as it is mine. We are worthy.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
When life hands you a pile of crap...
When life hands you a pile of crap you....? I had to deal with this question recently. Literally. I came home after a long day of teaching and luckily saw this huge pile of crap on my doorstep before I stepped in it. I was shocked and curious more than angry, and had to laugh. I told Josh about it and said I wondered what it meant (Josh is my other half, if you don't know him) and he told me maybe it was just a pile of crap. I told some of my yogi friends and they, like me, started to look for the meaning in finding a pile of crap on my doorstep. One friend said fertilization, growth, another said something about taking care of my own crap, another said perhaps it had to deal with not taking other people's crap. I wasn't sure at that moment.
A few days later I received an email from a yoga colleague indicating that I had upset them with some recent wording of an event I was doing. I was very upset when I received this email as I had not intended to upset this person at all, and had instead used them as inspiration for something I was planning. I made a mistake, even with good intentions. And all of a sudden negative voices and emotions I hadn't heard in awhile got activated BIG TIME. My monster as Sue Jones would call it, was having a field day. Will this person forgive me? I never make mistakes! But my intentions were good! I don't want to admit I'm wrong! I don't want to take responsibility! How can I make this right? How can I sweep this under the rug? I want to be liked/loved!
I didn't want to admit that I hadn't taken into consideration all the hard work this person had done to develop their workshop. I didn't want to admit that I had acted hastily because I felt under pressure to do more since I'd had a recent change in my financial situation and was feeling stressed. I didn't want to acknowledge that I hadn't done enough of my own work to get the wording of the workshop to come from my authentic voice.
The old me would have taken this pile of crap and tried to manipulate it or throw it back into the faces of those I suspected had dealt it. I would blame and not accept responsibility. The old me would not have looked at this as an opportunity for growth and instead looked at it as another mistake I'd made and I'd make sure I felt guilty and ashamed about it. I would have cleaned this pile of crap up, but messily.
Instead I cleaned up this literal pile of crap with not too much complaint or frowning (ok, just a little - it did stink!) I emailed the person I had upset and apologized, accepting responsibility and chose to grow from the situation, and hold my head up high. So I ask you, what do you do when life hands you a pile of crap?
A few days later I received an email from a yoga colleague indicating that I had upset them with some recent wording of an event I was doing. I was very upset when I received this email as I had not intended to upset this person at all, and had instead used them as inspiration for something I was planning. I made a mistake, even with good intentions. And all of a sudden negative voices and emotions I hadn't heard in awhile got activated BIG TIME. My monster as Sue Jones would call it, was having a field day. Will this person forgive me? I never make mistakes! But my intentions were good! I don't want to admit I'm wrong! I don't want to take responsibility! How can I make this right? How can I sweep this under the rug? I want to be liked/loved!
I didn't want to admit that I hadn't taken into consideration all the hard work this person had done to develop their workshop. I didn't want to admit that I had acted hastily because I felt under pressure to do more since I'd had a recent change in my financial situation and was feeling stressed. I didn't want to acknowledge that I hadn't done enough of my own work to get the wording of the workshop to come from my authentic voice.
The old me would have taken this pile of crap and tried to manipulate it or throw it back into the faces of those I suspected had dealt it. I would blame and not accept responsibility. The old me would not have looked at this as an opportunity for growth and instead looked at it as another mistake I'd made and I'd make sure I felt guilty and ashamed about it. I would have cleaned this pile of crap up, but messily.
Instead I cleaned up this literal pile of crap with not too much complaint or frowning (ok, just a little - it did stink!) I emailed the person I had upset and apologized, accepting responsibility and chose to grow from the situation, and hold my head up high. So I ask you, what do you do when life hands you a pile of crap?
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