I Love You With All of My Heart

You aren't told that being a mother is lonely. You aren't told about how this love you feel for your child brings you immense joy and sadness at the same time. It's lonely feeling both of these emotions so intensely as you watch your child grow. I truly feel only other mothers know. It's so hard to put into words but with a glance of knowing into each others eyes we understand. Dads may get it too, I don't come from a Dad's perspective, but Dad's seem so much more focused on the growth, the "look what my son/daughter did!" and Mom's more on the "i can't believe how grown my baby is" I feel this so intensely already at this early age. I have moments Julian and I are utterly united in joy over his learning and growth, and then I have those moments where we share a tender embrace, touch, as we look into each others eyes and he makes a sound or no sound at all and we hold that space and I know this is fleeting, this moment. And I tear up a bit. I tell him they are happy tears, but there is a little sadness in there too. A joyful sadness, cause as mothers we want to see our children grow and experience the world, to see the people they'll become, but we want to hold onto those fleeting moments as babes when you are each others world. My Mom sent a package for Julian this week. It's been hard on her being a grandma and living farther away so we keep in touch on face time through the Iphone. Yeah technology! I never thought much of my Mom's experience as a mother until now. She had always told me this or that, and I've always been so independent, so a lot of it would go in one ear and out the other. Sorry Mom! But she's always had a way of showing her love, and I've always thought it a bit too much at times - I still have to call to say I'm home safe when I get back to MA from a trip to PA or NY even when I am almost 33! I've always been one to feel things immensely but harder to show them. I feel the love just comes pouring out with Julian - there's not much I can do to not show it! It overwhelms me sometimes - the joy and sadness mixed together - and I try to remember to breathe. Well this week my Mom sent along a book I can read to Julian since he's enjoying books now. This book though was something she had bought for me in 1999 (yes, 13 years ago!) and had misplaced and never given to me. I think it was meant to be as this book meant something very special being given to me now. It's called "I Love You With All of My Heart" A young polar bear is told his mother loves him with all of her heart and he is curious how this is possible and goes on a journey to find out, asking all of his friends how their mothers love them. It's a beautiful beautiful story. My mother would always write inside of books she gave to me and in this one she wrote "2/14/99 Amanda, No matter where you are in life, when days are great or not so great, when you feel out of sorts and falling apart, know that I love you with all of my heart!" I get it Mom. I think I've found an understanding with you we didn't have before. I love you.