It’s a rainy damp day and while I could grumble with the rest of the folks about how awful the weather is, I find myself joyfyul, content, happy. This creating space kick I’ve been on lately has truly opened up the door for me to be more joyful. I find my heart filled up most days and the mind kicks in to question whether this is truly a phase but I smile and tell it to go shed that negativity somewhere else. I think gratitude has started to come into my life and in a big way. Last night I was listening to music in the livingroom and Josh was cooking in the kitchen and one of my favorite Santana songs came on (Samba Para Ti) and he came out and danced with me. And I thought how lucky am I for this moment.
I remember my yoga teachers used to tell me gratitude has the highest vibration and I would say it myself in my classes but I never understood. Perhaps it’s what I’ve seen in India, or what I’ve realized I have here, but I am beginning to get how truly blessed I am. And getting that equates to joy.
I admit I’d like everything to continue to go my way. I think we all want that. But I know it probably won’t. Acceptance of that fact has brought on more joy because I can let go and surrender and create space instead of holding onto things I cannot change. I’m finding the more I enjoy all that I have the less I think about it getting taken away. I would hope that if it ever did and things shifted, I’d be happy for how much I enjoyed the things I had, the people I’ve loved, rather than regretting I never enjoyed what I had or showed those I love how much I care. It’s not easy, but it’s seemed lately the more I fill myself up this way, the more it just starts to spread.
I also credit my recent weekly trips to South Boston Yoga as a big help. David Vendetti is such a playful joyful individual and his classes have caused me to realize that as my own nature. I find myself bringing this playfulness, this joy into my classes more.
I don’t really know what’s ahead. I sometimes wonder if I’m not doing enough. But I know that if I’m aligned with joy I can’t be doing too bad.
Showing posts with label March 2009. Show all posts
Showing posts with label March 2009. Show all posts
Monday, March 15, 2010
Springing ahead and turning the page
I’ve been a real slacker with this blog. What can I say… It’s springtime or at least the brighter sunny long days give the illusion of spring and I find myself just wanting to enjoy more. Get out, celebrate life, and be active. So active usually involves not sitting in front of my computer though some days I’ll be caught in front of it but being active by facebooking instead. Life has been good. I think the space I’m creating in my life has been allowing for love to blossom and flourish in my heart. I’m happy. Just like the daffodils and crocuses opening their hearts to Spring, I too am shedding some layers.
Accepting things as they come
It’s almost 3:30pm on my day off. I had expected myself to do absolutely nothing today, just watching movies, reading, napping. I have done none of the above. After a call to the accountant this morning, I decided it was time to get my shit in order, so to speak. Last year was my first year teaching yoga full time, and during that year I taught at I think 11 different places for varying amounts of time. Needless to say, I had a number of W2’s, 1099’s and mileage to track. I can only hope I’ll be more organized for 2009. Organization has not been my forte but when I buckle down, I get it done.
My reason for writing all of this is that while I could be pissed I am doing tax stuff on my day off, I could develop a mood of frustration and anger while I press through it, I chose not to. When you take things as they come, you accept that whatever you are doing right now, is where you need to be in that moment. And when you do that, life just flows much more smoothly. I finished my tax preparation with the exception of a few small things, and can now head off to that hot bath I’ve been thinking about for my sore back.
I find that since I’ve been back from India life has seemed just too damn fast here and that I’ve wanted more and more to just be enjoying a day with nowhere to be with Josh, watching the cats, listening to the sounds around me on a day I’m alone in the house, such as today. Just the sound of Nomar, my cat, snoring next to me. Or my fingers clicking away on the keyboard. Or the cars passing by on the street. And life here doesn’t afford me to do that all day. I have a schedule, I have obligations and responsibilities, I have needs that I have to meet. So, I’ve felt myself frustrated when I am pushed toward something I don’t want to do at that moment. Or when my beautiful moment I’m having starts to shift. The key here is the awareness that comes knowing that if I choose to resist I’ll be in a moment I have no control over living it unhappily. If I choose to breathe, create some space, and just let things come as they may, I find my day flows easier, lighter, more free. It’s something I’m working on.
My reason for writing all of this is that while I could be pissed I am doing tax stuff on my day off, I could develop a mood of frustration and anger while I press through it, I chose not to. When you take things as they come, you accept that whatever you are doing right now, is where you need to be in that moment. And when you do that, life just flows much more smoothly. I finished my tax preparation with the exception of a few small things, and can now head off to that hot bath I’ve been thinking about for my sore back.
I find that since I’ve been back from India life has seemed just too damn fast here and that I’ve wanted more and more to just be enjoying a day with nowhere to be with Josh, watching the cats, listening to the sounds around me on a day I’m alone in the house, such as today. Just the sound of Nomar, my cat, snoring next to me. Or my fingers clicking away on the keyboard. Or the cars passing by on the street. And life here doesn’t afford me to do that all day. I have a schedule, I have obligations and responsibilities, I have needs that I have to meet. So, I’ve felt myself frustrated when I am pushed toward something I don’t want to do at that moment. Or when my beautiful moment I’m having starts to shift. The key here is the awareness that comes knowing that if I choose to resist I’ll be in a moment I have no control over living it unhappily. If I choose to breathe, create some space, and just let things come as they may, I find my day flows easier, lighter, more free. It’s something I’m working on.
It's becoming clearer
It’s March and it’s 12 degrees out. The 80 degrees I felt during my last days in India seems long gone now. My tan has faded and I am almost as pale as the rest of us out there.
So I’ve been home from India now about a month. I’m afraid the more time passes from when I returned that I’ll forget the trip, not remember all that I experienced. It will become like when you’re a kid and you try to remember your first house, first toys and you can’t. But I’m starting to feel that what I’ve taken away from the trip, what I’ve learned, is becoming clearer – simply becoming part of who I am.
One thing I took away from being there is how truthful life seemed. Everything is completely out in the open. Disease, death, poverty and corruption to wealth, and the richness and simplicity of everyday life, traditions and customs. Nothing is nice and pretty and put away in its neat little box like try to do here. It’s raw, but feels so alive. I felt so many emotions as I experienced new sites and situations and I think in some ways I had to keep these emotions under wraps in order to stay grounded amongst a new world. And if any of you know me, you know that’s very challenging!
This first month back I have been on an up and down rollercoaster. That first week I felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong here. I was afraid to be alone and felt unsure of myself, not sure what was expected of me. In India, I didn’t have any roles for 6 weeks. I was completely free to be me. My only responsibility involved showing up for a plane, train, car to my next destination. I come back to the States and roles are a part of life here – me as a yoga teacher, a girlfriend, a friend, etc. I know none of that mattered to me before but I felt how strongly these roles mattered to our culture when I returned. Practicing yoga and teaching allowed me to come back home to ME, getting grounded and trusting myself again. My heart was tender and a bit shielded, not sure how much to share about my experiences or what to share. Would people care or understand? I’m starting to realize now that being in India has helped me to have the courage to live my life fully with an open heart. What I saw has broken away any armour around my heart, showing me the truth of human suffering, and that all our needs are the same. We all want to be loved, feel safe, be happy. I find myself feeling more vulnerable lately but completely open and loving. It’s a feeling I don’t want to lose. It’s what I hoped I’ve brought back with me, what I hope will continue, and what I hope I can share.
So I’ve been home from India now about a month. I’m afraid the more time passes from when I returned that I’ll forget the trip, not remember all that I experienced. It will become like when you’re a kid and you try to remember your first house, first toys and you can’t. But I’m starting to feel that what I’ve taken away from the trip, what I’ve learned, is becoming clearer – simply becoming part of who I am.
One thing I took away from being there is how truthful life seemed. Everything is completely out in the open. Disease, death, poverty and corruption to wealth, and the richness and simplicity of everyday life, traditions and customs. Nothing is nice and pretty and put away in its neat little box like try to do here. It’s raw, but feels so alive. I felt so many emotions as I experienced new sites and situations and I think in some ways I had to keep these emotions under wraps in order to stay grounded amongst a new world. And if any of you know me, you know that’s very challenging!
This first month back I have been on an up and down rollercoaster. That first week I felt so out of place, like I didn’t belong here. I was afraid to be alone and felt unsure of myself, not sure what was expected of me. In India, I didn’t have any roles for 6 weeks. I was completely free to be me. My only responsibility involved showing up for a plane, train, car to my next destination. I come back to the States and roles are a part of life here – me as a yoga teacher, a girlfriend, a friend, etc. I know none of that mattered to me before but I felt how strongly these roles mattered to our culture when I returned. Practicing yoga and teaching allowed me to come back home to ME, getting grounded and trusting myself again. My heart was tender and a bit shielded, not sure how much to share about my experiences or what to share. Would people care or understand? I’m starting to realize now that being in India has helped me to have the courage to live my life fully with an open heart. What I saw has broken away any armour around my heart, showing me the truth of human suffering, and that all our needs are the same. We all want to be loved, feel safe, be happy. I find myself feeling more vulnerable lately but completely open and loving. It’s a feeling I don’t want to lose. It’s what I hoped I’ve brought back with me, what I hope will continue, and what I hope I can share.
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