A love affair

It's Tuesday night. It's the last Tuesday night I'll spend in this apartment I've lived in for 5 years. On Friday night I'll be spending my first night in the new place. I took a drive over there today to drop off some things and though it doesn't feel like home yet, it's a place I can breathe in. There is so much space. This made me both happy and sad. I feel I need this space right now and it's clear Julian needs space as he's becoming more aware of his surroundings and wanting to explore them. Sad because it's a space for a family and I don't really feel like Julian and I are a family right now, I don't feel Josh Julian and I are a family right now. It's a space Josh had found and had thought to be perfect for us. I agreed and envisioned our family growing here and now I just don't know what it's going to look like. I keep reminding myself this is a good thing because I can create that with Julian and perhaps the three of us can create it together. Josh has said that we are still a family. Yes, it is true a child bonds two people together for life. This to me is not what makes a family. This is clear because when I look at the families in my life, my yoga family is one of my closest, and there is no blood that ties us together. Families love unconditionally. Families support. Families listen. Families are perhaps most of all important united. I don't feel united with Josh. I feel I am Julian's mother, he is Julian's father, but our family remains to be seen. I was looking at old photos of he and I today and I was struck by how happy we were. When you go through a break up or a rough spot in a relationship, you ask yourself - was I ever really happy? The answer is yes, most of the time. As I looked through these photos you could see where the distance started to come in - and where suddenly there were no more photos of us together. This happened around my pregnancy. A good friend said today that pregnancy and the resulting baby is a new love affair for the two people involved. This love affair, this falling in love with your child, can result in the falling out of love with the other person. This made so much sense to me. Josh and I both fell in love with Julian - completely - before he was even here. Yet it seems we have fallen out of love with each other. I don't know how we got here. It baffles me. I thought I had enough love to go around. Isn't that what I have learned through the work I've done and my yoga practice? Well, it seems I still have some learning to do. And then my questioning mind says, well how can I teach yoga if I have no love to give? But I do. Some days I go there beat up and bruised emotionally and I begin to teach and the love comes pouring out. I give and I receive. I don't know where Josh and I got stuck and are continuing to get stuck but my teaching at least shows me that yes - it is possible to spread the love around. Josh texted at one point today that he misses Julian. My heart sank that he didn't text he misses us. Yet then I thought, do I miss him? How can I miss him when he hasn't even been around enough to miss? It's sad, isn't it? And he can't miss me because I haven't been around enough to miss either. We've both been consumed in this other love affair, our son. All of this gets me thinking way way back to childhood. I remember finding out my name, Amanda, means worthy of love. I'd read that and smile thinking well people have to love me then! I didn't understand then that worthy of love means the love is already within me - it has been given already. It is mine to give freely. I birth this amazing child who needs me, who needs this love, and I give and I give and I give till I think I can't give anymore and there's still more to give. I've never known a love like this. I forget about the person whose love created this child with me. I forget that I have all the love I need within me to last a lifetime. And I feel empty. I feel lost. I feel lonely. Julian continues to grow. There will be a time if this continues between Josh and I where I will begin to know what he knows and he will know what I know. I will know what it's like to be without my child for days, possibly a week - he will know what it's like to care for him by yourself for days, a week. Julian will know what it's like to have his stuff in two different places, he will know what it's like to possibly have a step-mom, step-dad, half-brother, half-sister. These are things I think are in the future if they are happening - the far future - but they are things that will come to pass if Josh and I don't do the work. This is not what I wanted for my son. This is not what I wanted for Josh or I. I keep asking myself, why doesn't he want to do the work? I suggested couples counseling and Josh had said no. Perhaps it's possible we are doing the work - this is the work - and it has nothing to do with anything we might do together in a counselors office. If I'm in the moment, then it is the work, and that's that. Trust the process, I hear all the time. I have so many nights I want to text him, call him, talk talk talk but I often come on here and write. I can feel he has shut a door to me, though I can also feel it's not shut completely. I could bang and scream and try to kick it down but what would that do? I can only come here to sort it out in my words, let them speak for themselves, and he will come out from behind the door when he is ready. I have had so many folks reach out and thank me for being so honest and sharing my story, many of them surprised Josh has not said anything about me sharing it this publicly. I sometimes forget that people out there read this. I forget just how powerful ones story can be. I'm going to keep writing, I hope you'll keep listening and we'll see where this takes us. It's been a love affair unlike any other I've imagined!

It's ok to be angry

I am quite angry these days. And not at anyone in particular. Just angry. I believe it's deep rooted and has been with me for some time. So I'm sitting in it, doing a pretty good job of not deflecting it, and writing about it. Here's a recent poem: My practice brings up much fear anger and sadness these days Yet I still step onto my mat and breathe The breath encourages me to keep going I sense this fear anger and sadness has been with me for some time It's what prevents me from fully seeing another I feel lately I've never truly looked into your eyes or seen you until now Or seen myself I want to look away but I keep looking The voices in my head quiet a little more My heart beats stronger I notice the sensation of our feet touching under the table while we watch a movie Something is shifting within me Something is shifting around me My relationships with others seem different Even if no words are spoken I try to let silence come For in that lies understanding I'm tired of talking I don't know anything I must trust in everything I'm allowing myself to be angry When perhaps I never allowed myself this feelibg before The allowing will bring happiness Resistance kept me in the dark It feels good to be honest And still be loved

The Power of Detachment

There is a calm when you let go. There is a calm when you surrender. There is a calm when you recognize while you may not be happy with what is, it is what is. So after two weeks of crying and a crazy roller coaster ride things are starting to settle. The purge has happened and now comes action. I am not saying there won't be sad days or crying but there is a grounded feeling that comes with surrender. I have and am surrendering. A friend sent me an email recently on the power of detachment and this really hit home for me. A light bulb went off, so to speak. I have always been someone who gives, who connects, who attaches. Easily. I don't think this is a bad quality but I always found myself getting lost eventually and having a hard time staying grounded when those I were attached or connected to were suffering. The art of detachment says to remain detached is to remain within your own power and your place in this world as a spiritual entity. This resonates with me now, where in the past to be detached I would think meant to be disconnected, heartless, or cruel. I am beginning to see the ways I've given up my power when I've been around those close to me who are suffering. When this would happen, I'd become unhappy, less passionate, less grounded, fearful and uncertain. I like this idea of practicing detachment around others to stay within your own power and thus remain more connected, instead of disconnected. I believe by doing this I'd be a better listener, I'd take more action for myself, lead by example, instead of try to fix something outside myself. I'm going to work on this. It begins with accepting that the future is uncertain. This is actually a reality already, but something I've always resisted. I am moving into what was to be my first home as a family for Josh, Julian and I. Now it will be my home with Julian. Josh will be welcome there of course to see his son, but he will be living elsewhere. I've agreed that space between us is better right now though every time I say this is what I want I have fear around it. Perhaps that's a good thing? I think if I thought back anything I've ever truly wanted has had fear around it. It's not going to be easy but it's going to be ok. Time has proven that to me already with previous struggles. I've got this, keeps popping into my mind. And interestingly enough, this summer has brought a lot of separation into my life. Friends ending relationships, people moving, and just within these last two weeks two relationships of friends I wouldn't have suspected ending, have ended. Or rather are changing. That's how I like to think of it. Separation which is in itself detachment creates space for great change and possibility.

Honest hell

Today has been a rough day. The last two weeks have been a roller coaster since Josh told me he loves me, but isn't in love with me. I brought up the conversation because I could sense a disconnect. It had been there for some time and my way of dealing with it was criticism, judgment, nagging I believe because I was scared and felt I wasn't being listened to. It's an unhealthy pattern I resort to when feelings are coming up and all I want to say is I love you, I'm here for you, tell me what's going on? Josh was never much one for talking about his feelings but I didn't always create a supportive environment. Well parenthood softened our hearts and when I asked him what's up, he shared. I thought it would be a rough patch, a bump in the road, but he seems to be thinking he needs space. I feel he's made up his mind without even talking it out or giving us a chance and that I find cruel. I think of the many months he's been feeling this way and how painful that must be. My heart breaks. I look at my son and cry. I have people who love me and have reached out already to offer support. I am blessed. I know I'll be ok however this goes and so will Julian because he has a mother and father who love him so much. I realize the work I've done and you can only make yourself happy - take care of your needs. So I will do that. Yet my love for Josh has not died, I don't believe it ever will, and I hope he finds what he is looking for. I'd be lying if I didn't hope our family would be whole again. Finding myself in a place I didn't expect to be all I can do is just be. I have always been honest in the face of my struggles and it's made me a warrior. I'll continue to do so. I'll never close my heart to the beauty and love I know awaits me.

The in between

So the in between ain't fun but it's where the work happens. I'm trudging through, daily highs and lows. Writing in my journal, writing poetry. Here is tonight: I'm at a loss Disbelieving how I got here Unsure of where I'm going I took you for granted I didn't see you when you were allowing yourself to be seen What I see now is someone who's hurting and his actions don't speak to the man he is I'm in the dark Searching for your light When I should be searching for my own I said you don't think you deserve happiness It's me who yearns to feel gratitude for all my many blessings Who still feels broken after all these years Who feels I've once again lost what is given I still have it but can't see it within myself I never thought I'd come this far I never thought I'd lose so much

I step onto my yoga mat in black these days

Going through some stuff as we all do.. Moving Sept 1.. Excited but feeling lost as I realize it's been baby baby baby and my relationships with myself and Josh have been neglected. So connection needs to begin again, with me first. So many emotions, so many thoughts swirling around the best I can do is get on my mat and try to breath and try to put the words into poetry where I first expressed myself at the age of 11. So here goes: I step onto my yoga mat in black these days The color of my clothes reflects the color of the mat I gave you when our souls crossed The color of long days which turn into long nights Lonely endless This mat has become where I practice, where I let myself falter and crumble Under the weight of all the sorrow Until I step off and a blue eyed boy reminds me all is not lost I wear my black converse I wore in 8th grade They make me happy I am reminded of the girl who had spunk and passion Who wore these converse with her white lace dress to her music recital She was bold and daring and all things free When did I lose my passion When did I begin to feel less than And shifted from knowing me to Trying to shape what can’t be wrought as we are all perfect The shoe either fits as if it’s made for you or your toe bumps into the top and gets crushed I never thought I would be where I am I never thought it would be this hard I’m terrible at being ok with not being ok I step onto my yoga mat in black these days

Mama's Guilt

Last week was the first week Josh traveled since I had the baby. He was in NJ from Mon to Thurs night and it was me and Julian most days. In some ways, it wasn't that different. Josh has been going into the office more, and on those days often to aikido afterward, which means for a long day with the babe. I'd see him at the end of the day though, however brief, to check in, cuddle, talk about Julian. He'd also go into the office usually Tues Wed or Wed Thurs which meant I could get at least one yoga class in during the week. With him traveling, it meant no yoga classes. Just home practice. The first day I had to teach at noon so Josh's Mom came to watch Julian at the house. This was my first experience leaving him with someone else other than Josh or I except for when a yoga friend of mine took him for a walk at the studio while I taught. Julian started crying the moment I handed him to Josh's Mom and as I tried to explain a few things to her before I left, he just cried and cried and looked at me like "Why aren't you picking me up?" Believe me, I had to exercise some self control to not just scoop him up. I could have stayed a bit longer but left to get to the studio early and cried the whole way. I called my Mom as I knew she had been there before and could relate. I was amazed at how hard it was to leave him - it seems silly, but I was surprised at my attachment to him. I also felt mama guilt - is it bad we are so attached? Why is he crying with people he doesn't know as well when they hold him? Is it bad he prefers me over anyone else? I taught class and it felt as good for me as it did for the students. I got home, he was still kinda upset, but Josh's mom told me he slept for a bit and didn't cry constantly. I felt awful my kid was fussy with her and she simply seemed happy to have some time with him. We spent the rest of the week getting out to run errands, to visit with friends, and just try to stay cool as it was very hot and humid and Josh hadn't put in the AC before he left. We talked to Josh at the end of the day, usually at a time when Julian was fussy or getting ready for bed - between 6 and 7. I'd try to keep him up for Josh so we could face time on the Iphone and he could see him, but I felt frustrated trying to do that as much as I wanted them to have that time. Truly Josh would understand if Julian was asleep - he wouldn't expect him to be anything other than a baby on his own schedule. When I finally had an hour or so to myself when he went to bed, I was usually too tired to do much of anything but eat and get into bed, knowing he'd be up soon to eat. I felt myself getting depressed, and a bit edgy. Josh arrived home on Thursday night and instead of being happy to see him, I nit picked and nagged at him as soon as he got home. Put the AC in, take care of this, my car is making this noise, etc etc I knew I was doing it but I just couldn't seem to stop! I was stuck in a pattern, in a bad place, and instead of listening and vocalizing what I needed, I was attacking, reacting. I found myself exhausted and crying in the middle of the night as I woke up to feed Julian and Josh was sleeping beside me and I was like, what is going on? It took a few days for this to pass. More tears and processing on my own. I realized that getting to do something for myself each week, even if it's just once, without the baby, is very very important to my health and well being. I hadn't had that while Josh was away - it has been over a week with nothing of the sort for myself. I realized that even when the baby was asleep and I'd do a home practice, read, or something else for me, I'm still on in the sense I know the baby could wake up at any moment and I'd be needed. That once, twice a week I make it to a class I am able to truly let go and be with myself, and honestly not think too much about what's happening at home with the baby. Sometimes not at all! I think the tears were my realization of this need for myself, my frustration it wasn't being met, and taking it out on Josh, when there was nothing he could do about it, and not much I could either unless I wanted to get a sitter, which I knew I didn't. I wasn't vocalizing my needs assuming that no one would want to hear anyway - especially the person I am in love with and share this beautiful child with. And there was a bit of mama guilt that I shouldn't have these needs anyways - I am super mom! I am someone who doesn't feel guilty about anything anymore, after many years of feeling guilty for lots. And here I am swamped with this new guilt as a mother. I love the time I spend just Julian and I. I also love that he needs me, and at the same time, it's challenging how much he needs me. I love and cherish that I am the person he's the least fussy with and he prefers to have me take care of him, yet I feel guilty he doesn't feel that way with others yet and wonder if I am doing something wrong because of it. I love getting a class in for myself or a visit with friends and know how this supports me and makes me a better mother, yet I feel guilty for leaving him often at a time of day he needs me most - getting to bed. People ask if Josh and I have gone on a date night and I say no - mainly cause the thought of someone else watching him, especially at night, scares me. Even people I trust and love. I make the excuse that Josh and I don't need it that bad - we spend a lot of time together when he works from home, we enjoy family time, and we connect with the babe around... but I know deep down it would be nice for both of us to remember what it was like when it was just us. I've found I have to be really compassionate with myself on this one. Give myself a break. And do what I can. Am I ready to go on a date night.. maybe.. maybe not.. could I leave Julian for a couple hours in the afternoon before bedtime to go on a bike ride with Josh - yes, I think I could. Do I want to leave him crying to go teach a yoga class - no - but will I - yes because it's healing for me and he'll begin to learn others love and care for him too. Do I agonize when my kid cries when other people hold him or gets fussy - yes - is it probably cause he's tired - yes - and is he just a baby and babies cry - yup. Do I feel guilty I'm his whole world and he's mine - yes - should I - no - I carried him in my body for 10 months - I nurtured him then and I continue to nurture him from my body now as we breastfeed - I am his world and it is as it should be. It is as it should be. And I remind myself how fleeting it all is - that could be a whole other blog post! You look outside and see summer flying by, you realize how fleeting it is. Your newborn is almost a 4 month old who is rolling over and getting mobile and talking, and you realize how fleeting it is. You remember 2001 and graduating college like it was yesterday and here you are 12 years later... it is all so fleeting. The heart hurts at this notion but the heart knows it to be truth. The mind will resist and keep us from being in these fleeting moments - watching them go by instead of living them. This mamas guilt is a trap of the mind. I recognize it. I intend to move past it by living in these fleeting moments. And getting back into my meditation practice. I think my body does need some home practice when I can't make a class, but my mind needs a daily dose of meditation to keep the chatter out and keep these beautiful moments in. I feel grateful for the awareness to know what I need to do and to keep reminding myself to stay on my path and do it. Not just for me, but for Julian. My practice in so many ways is all for him.